atleast i think i am

anonymous asked:

can hypersexuality and simultaneous fear and disgust of sex be the result of only abuse and not csa? (as in i was abused but not sexually, atleast i think so) i know this is very incoherent and oxymoronic but i am in fact sexrepulsed but also cant stop thinking about sex and masturbating and having disturbing (UNWANTED!!!!) sexual thoughts and urges and "kinks" (idk what other word to use here) that leave me feeling like im a horrible, fucked up person

honestly i wish we could do some research and check this because i really don’t know. i feel really strongly with what you’re going thru, and i’m both sex repulsed and hypersexual at points, but as i have gone thru csa i connected it to that. I can imagine physical and emotional abuse can also affect very strongly to how you relate to physical touch, your body, and sex in general, if you’ve been undergoing humiliation, pain, disgust, dehumanization and have been greatly undervalued and invalidated, it is logical you will expect things like that to happen to you in the most intimate moments, and it’s logical you’d be repulsed from it because being hurt while that vulnerable is unberarable to imagine, and at the same time your brain can crave the adrenaline and endorphin high that the abuse would give it, and if it was more destructive and sexualized, it would be a more powerful high as well. 

this is as much as I can say, it does feel like regular abuse would greatly mess up someone’s relationship with sex, also being exposed to porn would definitely mess it severely, so that might be a factor as well. But in any case, you are not a horrible or fucked up person, this is something you’re struggling with because you were exposed to a lot of pain and abuse and you’re not trying to hurt anyone. It’s impossible to control the damage that the abuse causes to your brain and your relationship with touch, and you couldn’t have stopped it either. You’re trying really hard to understand it and that’s a great step towards healing and slowly getting back to healthier thoughts.