ataulfomango

Tumblr: Round One

I’ve been thinking a lot about the first time that I was on Tumblr. I was freshly detransitioned - barely so, in fact. I was angry. I lashed out, I mocked the ideology of trans-identified females because it still felt so real to me and quite frankly I was jealous. I was jealous of the fact that they were feeling the same things I was, but that all they had to was identify as trans and stick themselves with testosterone to alleviate it and I was stuck on the high road - alone. I knew where they were coming from and it was all so fresh in my mind but I refused to go back. I had stuck myself for the last time and dammit I was going to learn how to be female no matter what. I had seen the poison that is testosterone in action.

Pretty quickly after detransitioning and actually signing up for Tumblr I found @gaynotqueer and ataulfomangos and I didn’t feel quite so alone. There was trouble, though - we were all very recently detransitioned and all pretty angry about it. There wasn’t anyone in our tiny little community that had come out the other side of detransition satisfied with their lives - we were all wading through the same muck. We supported each other but none of us had accumulated enough life experience as detransitioned individuals to have come around to the positives of embracing life as our biological sex, so we had no one to look to for what living this way could mean. For what seemed like forever (but was really less than half a year) the four of us battled hard. …Then we were down to three, and then just the two of us. Eventually I got fed up and left too, but X has been here blogging the whole time (hi hardscum <3).

I think a lot about how we didn’t have resources when we came together, and then we left and we didn’t leave anything behind. We were all angry and scared- GNQ’s life was being threatened on a regular basis, and I was getting plenty of hate mail myself from females who were very, very angry that I was talking about dysphoria outside of the transition narrative (I’m sure the Mangoes were too). We all got put on Toni’s list and I was drowning in suggestions to kill myself. I was so focused on my own survival and trying to grasp at my mental health that I didn’t think at all about the fact that there were more of us out there, more of us that would need these words and these early discussions to help sorting out detransition. I deleted- blank slate, as if I had never been here. Even I can’t find my old posts.

I wish that I could’ve had the foresight to leave some breadcrumbs, some inkling that detransition could lead to a satisfied life and wouldn’t just leave you crippled with untreated dysphoria. I hate that I wasn’t a part of the solution earlier, and that I completely withdrew into myself to deal with this on my own for so many years while I could’ve been sharing and growing with a strong community of womyn learning and teaching each other how to do female different.
I’m glad I’m here now. I am unbelievably thankful for the sisterhood that we’re creating, and the way we support each other. Tumblr now feels very different to me than it did my first time around, and I’m not sure if that’s who I’m associating with or if the climate is shifting ever so slightly - but I’m really happy to be a part of this.
Knowing that I could’ve helped and had a positive impact years ago and that I didn’t keeps me pushing forward and driven to help those in need now. Now, I’m healthy and stable - I’m on the other side of detransition, and while I still deal with dysphoria, I’d consider myself a generally healthy person mentally and physically. Now I’m fit to help, so now I’m here. I just hope I can make up for lost time.