My Ace Relationship (AKA How I Found I Was Ace Too)
This is a happy relationship story, despite my own acephobic reactions at one point :D
I’ve been in a relationship for eleven and a half years now with my fiancée. I’m very sex-orientated, and at one point was actually borderline addicted to it - long story short, I had a hell of an upbringing and that combined with the fact I’m trans and an ex-sex worker meant a lot of my issues went into personal contact. I didn’t know when we started going out that my partner didn’t enjoy sex and figured other people were just saying they did to sound cool/because of peer pressure - and she didn’t know about asexuality at that point. I always thought there was something off a bit, but at that point I wasn’t mature at all and neither was she, really, so we didn’t really talk about it - and I could also get quite…manipulative about it as well, thanks to above issues and me not realising I was doing it.
Fast forward about five, six years, and we both find Tumblr, and suddenly my partner discovers a name for how she feels: sex-repulsed asexual. Suddenly she’s not ‘broken’ in her mind, everything makes sense and the relief she must have felt…we’d both grown up by this point, but now she had to tell me - the very sex-orientated, sex-enjoying transguy that felt his only worth was physical - that she didn’t like sex.
Now, we very, very much loved each other - still do - and I’d grown and learned that I’d been manipulative and packed that in pretty quickly. I still had my problems, as you’ll soon see, but I tried my best to try and stop them. But the sex petered off, and me being me, I assumed she was rejecting me so…kinda asked about it and got pretty defensive with it. I could hear the old nastiness coming out so I was trying very hard to be non-defensive and manipulative, even warning her to tell me if she thought I was be so that I could stop that before it happened.
And then she blurted out she was Ace and…I didn’t react well, immediately taking it personally. I’m not going to go into details as I’m sure you’ve heard most of the things. Suffice it to say I took it personally, like she was taking a toy away from a child. There were a couple of other things not related to the asexuality that made it worse, so it wasn’t entirely acephobia behind it and was more mixed with ignorance, but yeah. I was a dick, and I wince thinking about it now.
Her being the wonderful person she was, she actually suggested an open relationship, which I immediately went ‘oh hell no’ to as a kneejerk reaction. We did nearly break up over it, though as I said, there were other factors at play. But yeah. It was serious stuff.
Anyway, it took me a couple of weeks to chill out and think it over, not helped by the other factors (not to do with this so not being mentioned here). After I’d worked my way through them and apologised for upsetting her with me being an ignorant twit, I actually asked her about it - all of it - and listened, which I should have done at the start but was too defensive and bull-headed to. She told me about asexuality, about being sex-repulsed, about how it had nothing to do with how she felt about me emotionally. That honestly, it had nothing to do with me at all - she just really did not like sex. Orgasms were great, sorta, but so was playing Mass Effect - she just didn’t care about them enough to want to get through the ick.
Eventually we agreed to trying the open relationship thing. I’m now in a happy polyamorous relationship with her and my Koto, and we’re stronger because of it - god, I couldn’t be happier.
BUT it doesn’t end there.
See, my fiancée pointed me in the right direction to read about asexuality - this blog being the first I looked at - and I read everything. I wanted to understand this, so I could make her happy without making her compromise - because she tried, for me, but it was making her miserable so we decided to stop it. It was how I discovered about romantic and sexual attraction not being the same. And slowly, I discovered several somethings about myself in reading all of this - that I’m quoiromantic, and that I myself sit very squarely on the Ace spectrum - first as demisexual, and then as I learned and grew, as an asexual person myself. I’m still very sex-positive and treat it more as a chocolate bar - I enjoy it if it’s there, but I’m not going to bother getting out of the chair to go to the shops if I haven’t got it. I also realised that I don’t really experience sexual attraction. I can appreciate aesthetics, and if I’m in a sexual situation then whoop, but outside of it I’m just…not bothered.
My fiancée now is so much happier with who she is and relaxed, as am I, and our relationship is so so much stronger because of it. I do have sex with my Koto, but I no longer feel the driving need to have it all the time like I used to (another thing to chalk up to addiction there). We’re heading towards the sixth year with all three of us, and I can’t imagine it could be any better, honestly :D