at the expense of people whom he cared about and hoped to protect

anonymous asked:

What do you know about Georges Washington de Lafayette

All sources from Lafayette by Harlow Giles Unger: 

Georges Washington de Lafayette was born on December 24th, 1779. Adrienne wrote to her husband rather icily at his army camp. She offered sarcastic recognition of her husband’s many responsibilities in the military, she scolded him or not being with her and their new child. The baby’s full name wsa Georges Louis Gilbert Washington de Motier Marquis de Lafayette, he would always call himself George Washington Lafayette. The one he was named after, George Washington, became his godfather.

May 1781, Adrienne wrote that Georges “nearly died teething” and left her “weakened by anxieties”. During Gilbert de Lafayette’s second-to-last visit to America in 1784-1785, his returning ship ran aground and repairs delayed his departure home for a week. General Greene and Henry Knox had come to see him off, and the three spent long hours together reminiscing with Alexander Hamilton. Lafayette urged Greene, Hamilton and Knox to send their boys to him in Paris for several years of European education. He promised in turn, he would send his own boy, George Washington to them. Lafayette said he wanted his son educated at Harvard.

Unlike other European parents, Adrienne and Gilbert did not keep their children at a distance with tutors; they adored their children openly, embraced them spontaneously and showed them off to all their guests. Benjamin Franklin listened with a smile as seven-year-old Anastasie and five-year-old George sang children’s songs in English. Georges used to also help his father attach his sheathed sword and other military trappings.

When Georges was ten years old, one guard unit sought to make him an honorary second lieutenant, his father turned the honor into theater: “Gentlemen,” he proclaimed to the assembled militiamen, “my son is no longer mine; he belongs to you and to our nation.”–and the troops roared as Georges stepped forward and stood at attention in his snappy-looking new uniform in the Paris guards. Felix Frestel was his tutor, starting when he was eleven years of age; he was a principal of the College de Plessis, his father’s secondary school, the Lafayettes retained him to tutor their son privately until he was old enough to enroll in classes.

During the Reign of Terror, while Gilbert de Lafayette was in prison and Adrienne was just being arrested. The police nearly to their home, Adrienne ordered a governess to flee with ten year old Virginie to a nearby farmer’s house, while thirteen year old Georges and his tutor Frestel rushed into the woods and fifteen year old Anastasie hid in a secret in cubby in one of the towers. Unaware of her husband’s fate, Adrienne (on house arrest) grew fearful for the survival her only son–the only person who could inherit his father’s name and fortune. Every once and a while, Frestel would descend from the mountain hideaway late at night and report on her son’s health and his future. They agreed on a plan to obtain a false license and passport as a merchant and go to the port at Bordeaux with Georges, who would feign the role of his apprentice.

When Adrienne was released by Elizabeth Monroe’s manipulation, James and Elizabeth Monroe both aided Adrienne in acquiring a fake passport, ID and changed Georges name in order for him to be able to travel to the United States undeterred. Monroe obtained government counterstamps on their passports for them to go to America, with the boy traveling as “George Motier.” Adrienne gave Frestel a letter for president Washington written in French, which she hoped the American president would be able to read and understand:

[Translated French-English] “Sir, I send you my son… It is deep and sincere confidence that I entrust this dear child to the protection of the United States (which he had long regarded as his second country and which I have long regarded as our sanctuary), and to the particular protection of their president, whose feelings towards the boy’s father I well know. The bearer of this latter, sir, has, during our troubles, been our support, our resource, our consolation, my son’s guide. I want him to continue in that role… I want them to remain inseparable until the day we have the joy of reuniting in the land of liberty. I owe my own life and those of my children to this man’s generous attention… My wish is for my son to live in obscurity in America; that he resume the studies that three years of misfortune have interrupted, and that far from lands that might crush his spirit or arouse his violent indignation, he can work to fulfill the responsibilities of a citizen of the United States… I will say nothing here about my own circumstances, nor those of one for whom I feel far greater concern than I do for myself. I leave it to the friend who will present this letter to you to express the feelings of a heart which has suffered too much to be conscious of anything but gratitude, of which I owe much to Mr. Monroe… I beg you, Monsieur Washington, to accept my deepest sense of obligation, confidence, respect and devotion.”

At Olmutz prison, Adrienne coaxed the prison commander to let her write to specific family members, whom she had identified with each letter obtain approval. He read every word she wrote and rejected a letter written to her son. The received occasional news from the outside, the rest of the Lafayette family heard Georges arrived safely in Boston in September of 1795. Adrienne did not know was that her son’s arrival plunged his godfather, the American president, into a potentially embarrassing political and diplomatic situation that posed dangers to the Lafayette family. George Washington was unable to publicly offered sanctuary to Georges in the America because the French might consider it a threat to their neutrality. Washington decided to leave the boy in New England until the government recessed later in the year and he could move to Mount Vernon. Washington asked Massachusetts senator George Cabot to enroll young Lafayette incognito at Harvard college, “the expense of which as also of every other means for his support, I will pay.” Washington also wrote to his godson: “to begin to fulfill my role of father, I advise you to apply yourself seriously to your studies. Your youth should be usefully employed, in order that you may deserve in all respects to be considered as the worthy son of your illustrious father.”

In America, Georges studied at Harvard, was a house guest of George Washington at the presidential mansion in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and at the Washington family home in Mount Vernon, Virginia. Young Lafayette chose to make his way to New York where he waited in hopes to join Washington in Philadelphia and lived with the Washington’s for the next two years. He also stayed with Alexander Hamilton in his New York home.

The Lafayette family, Georges’s two sisters, his mother and his father were released from prison in 1797, but it wasn’t until 1798 that Georges was able to return to France. In February, on a sunny day, Georges–who had just turned nineteen–arrived back in Europe to the embrace of his family; he also brought with him a letter from George Washington. His father had not seen him in six years. Initially at Cambridge, then a few weeks with Alexander Hamilton in New York, before going to the Washingtons in Mount Vernon after the president’s retirement. On his return to France, George first went to Paris, where he found only blackened stone shell of his beautiful boyhood home on the rue de Bourbon. George’s arrival in Holstein revived the spirits of all exiled families.

“He is perfect physically: tall, with a noble and charming face. His temperament is all that we could wish is all that we could wish. He had the same kind heart that you remember, and his mind is far more mature than is usual for his age.” Lafayette wrote to his Aunt. Virginie wrote to her as well, “My brother is grown so tall, that when he arrived we could scarcely recognize him, but we have found all those qualities in him that we always knew. He is just as good a brother as he was at Chavaniac. He is so like Papa that people in the streets can see immediately that his his son.” While attempting to retain the family land that the Lafayette’s lost when it was all confiscated, Adrienne returned to Paris for a second time to try at negotiation–this time she brought Georges with her, who, she believed might intimidate government clerks more than Virginie.

Georges also was a prod at his father, who was writing his Memoires and who would grow impatient when Georges wasn’t there to coax him to write it. Mid-1799, Gilbert grew impatient with Adrienne’s constant absences, “It is two years today, dear Adrienne, since we left the prison to which you came, bringing me consolation and life… How can we arrange our spending the winter together?”

In the Spring of 1802, George Washington de Lafayette married Emilie de Tracy, the daughter of Destutt de Tracy, a renowned philosopher who had served in the Constituent Assembly with Lafayette and as a cavalry commander under him at the frontier in 1792, just before Lafayette fled France. Pere Carrichon, the priest who had blessed three of Adrienne’s family members as they marched up to the guillotine, performed the ceremony. After the wedding, the Lafayette’s and the de Tracy’s went south together for a long visit to the Chavaniac–”to share our new found happiness with our old aunt, who still had all her faculties,” according to Virginie.

Italy rebelled against French rule and Georges and his brother-in-law were called to military service. His mother and his father were responsible for caring for his wife, she had just given birth to a little baby girl. He served as a second lieutenant in the French Army under Napoleon Emperor Napoleon blocked every promotion for Gilbert’s son and sons-in-law, prevented them from ranking up in the army despite the highest recommendations of their commanders. During one battle, George suffered a minor wound saving the life of General Grouchy to whom he was an aide-de-comp for and had given up his horse for during battle.

1805, Russia and Austria joined Britain in a new coalition against France, but French armies swept northward through Austria and crushed a combined Austro-Russian army at the decisive battle of Austerlitz in Moravia (now eastern Czech Republic). Two days later Austria sued for peace, and the Russian army limped home to Mother Russia to lick its wounds. In 1806, Napoleon destroyed the Prussian army at Lena and extended the French empire eastward to Warsaw. With peace at hand, with no chance for promotion, and with their military commitments complete, Georges Washington and his two brother-in-laws resigned their commissions. Although his father grumbled at the emperor’s pettiness, Adrienne rejoiced to have the boys home safely; she wanted no more knights in the family and reveled in the presence of the three young couples and their children, all of whom made La Grange their permanent home.  

August 1807, Georges and his father went to visit the elder Lafayette’s Aunt Charlotte and inspect the Chavaniac properties. In their absence, Adrienne developed terrible pains and high fever; she began vomiting uncontrollably, unable to retain any food or liquid. They moved near Paris and Lafayette and George raced up from Chavaniac from La Grange. Both refusing to leave her bedside.

In March 1814, George introduced his father to the young duc d’Orleans. 1821, they both returned to their home on the rue d’Anjou. In his father’s later years Georges was always hovering at his side. Georges helped him with his Memoires and his voluminous correspondence. At six each evening, the courtyard bell sounded dinner, and as many as thirty people poured into the huge dining room–Lafayette’s children and grandchildren. Virginie and Anastasie sat opposite their father as hostesses, Georges always sat beside him. 1820, thirty nine year old Georges and Lafayette organized a group of young liberals into a new political club, Les Amis de la Liberte de la Presse. In the Autumn of 1821, King Louis XVIII posted spies outside La Grange, considering arresting Lafayette and Georges.

On Gilbert de Lafayette’s last trip to America, Georges accompanied him. “My brave light infantry!” his father cried out once, “That is exactly how their uniforms looked. What courage! How I loved them!” In an accident, a boat they were taking sunk and they were assured into lifeboats and rowed to shore. At bunker hill, Lafayette gathered soil from the ground, placing it into a tiny flask and told Georges to sprinkle the soil across his grave when he passed so that he would be apart of two countries when he was buried. Throughout most of the trip, he stayed close company with his father’s secretary, Auguste Levasseur. They visited Mount Vernon again and Georges got to meet Thomas Jefferson at Monticello. 1826, Lafayette and his son thought of America and sailed away towards home.

In 1832, Lafayette sent Georges back to La Grange to help Anastasie and Virginie cope with the needs of the family and the villagers,while he remained in Paris to help the government deal with the emergency. During the battle of the Bastille, Georges managed to hustle his father from the fighting and blood. After the death of his father, Georges Washington covered his father’s coffin with the dirt they gathered at bunker hill.

Georges Washington de Lafayette had five children total with his wife, Emilie de Tracy:

Oscar Thomas Gilbert Motier de Lafayette (1815–1881) was educated at the École Polytechnique and served as an artillery officer in Algeria. He entered the Chamber of Deputies in 1846 and voted with the extreme Left. After the revolution of 1848, he received a post in the provisional government; as a member of the Constituent Assembly, he became secretary of the war committee. After the dissolution of the Legislative Assembly in 1851, he retired from public life, but emerged on the establishment of the third republic, becoming a life senator in 1875.

Edmond Motier de Lafayette (1818–1890) shared his brother’s political opinions and was one of the secretaries of the Constituent Assembly and a member of the senate from 1876 to 1888.

Natalie de Lafayette who married Adolphe Périer, a banker and nephew of Casimir Pierre Périer.

Matilde de Lafayette who married Maurice de Pusy (1799–1864, son of Jean-Xavier Bureau de Pusy).

Clementine de Lafayette who married Gustave de Beaumont.

None can direct agnatic claim to the Lafayette name. It disappeared after Georges sons both died before having a male son. He spent the remaining years immediately following his father’s death organizing Lafayette’s letters, speeches and papers and compiling together his Memoires and more of his writing which was published in a six volumes in Paris in 1837-1838 he retained is seat in the Chamber of Deputies until the summer of 1849, remaining a loyal member of the ultra liberal minority his father had organized to oppose the restrictive dicta of King Louis Philippe. He lived to see the third French revolution of his life in 1848. 1848, Georges won reelection to his old seat in the Chamber of Deputies, but he failed to win the following year. He died in November 1849, never achieving the celebrity of his father.

anonymous asked:

You could explain more about "you don’t have to love me back” trope and abuse? It reminds me of my own experience with abuse so I'm curious.

(sorry for taking so long to reply; i’ve been writing this for days). Sure! Well, to summarize, abusers love these words; Abusers feel stronger when they realize their target is vulnerable. In the book “Women Who Love Too Much”, therapist Robin Norwood analyzes this whole situation, esp in Chapter 1 - “Loving The Man Who Doesn’t Love Back”:

No one becomes such a woman, a woman who loves too much, by accident. To grow up as a female in this society and in such a family can generate some predictable patterns. The following characteristics are typical of women who love too much, women like Jill and perhaps like you, too.
1. Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a care-giver, especially to men who appear, in some way, needy.
3. Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man whom you can again try to change, through your love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help” the man you are involved with.
6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.
7. You are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship.
8. Your self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. You have a desperate need to control your men and your relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control people and situations as “being helpful”.
10. In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation.
11. You are addicted to men and to emotional pain.
12. You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.
14. You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such “nice” men boring.
[p. 13-15; These are discussed further in the next pages 21-31].

The book ”Dangerous Liaisons: How To Recognize & Escape From Psychopathic Seduction“ by Claudia Moscovici also offers approaches to the development of harmful passion.

He carefully nurtures expectations of mutual honesty and love. Then he sticks a knife into her back through a pattern of intentional deception and abuse. Let me now offer a second, more poignant, example. I remember many years ago being horrified when I read in the news about the rapes of Bosnian women by ethnically Serbian men. What troubled me most was a true story about a Serbian soldier who “saved” a Bosnian girl from gang rape by fellow Serbs. He removed her from the dangerous situation, fed her, protected her and talked to her reassuringly and tenderly for several days. Once he secured her trust, gratitude and devotion, he raped and killed her himself. Afterwards, he boasted about his exploits on the international news. This degree of psychological sadism exceeds that of the brutes who raped and killed women without initially faking niceness and caring. What he did to her was more insidious, duplicitous and perverse. All psychopaths behave this way towards their partners, at the very least on an emotional level. They gain your love and trust only to take sadistic pleasure in harming you. Each time you forgive their behavior and take them back, they enjoy the thrill of having regained your confidence so that they can hurt you again. How can you possibly make your parents, his parents and your mutual friends—all those who have had contact primarily or exclusively with the charming side of the psychopath—understand that you’re dealing with such a deep and intrinsic level of perversion?
[…]. But, as we’ve seen, they’re incapable of loving anyone deeply or even of being “in love”. They confuse momentarily wanting, desiring or wishing to possess someone with loving that person.
[p. 177].
[…]. ”Psychopaths tend to select strong women at their most vulnerable moments. Sandra L. Brown elaborates, “Predators have a natural ability for reading women who are lonely, bored, needy by nature, emotionally wounded, or vulnerable”.“ [p. 207]

Many women attempt to cure their bf through love (much like in "Beauty & The Beast”), but that rarely works (for obvious reasons). As Sandra L. Brown observes, “His insatiable need for power and dominance is so nonstop that it feels unquenchable to her” (p. 211). & Claudia Moscovici also identifies this problem (which apparently, as we can see here in this hell site, many feminists have forgotten about this very important part, unfortunately):

[Men] especially relish creating rivalry and jealousy among their partners. They instigate feelings of mutual disrespect and even hatred. Watching several women fight over them validates their ego. It also offers priceless entertainment.[p. 109].

Women in toxic relationships will always be my top priority. & I would also highly recommend Susan Forward’s book “Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them” [PDF]; see Chapter 5 - “What Keeps Women Hooked?” and Chapter 7 - “How Women Learn to Love Women-Haters”:

Whenever a client tells me that her partner abuses her, I ask, “Why do you put up with it?”. Often the answer is, “Because I love him,” or, “Because I’m afraid to leave him”. Some say simply, “Put up with what?” indicating that they do not make any connection between their unhappiness and their partner’s behavior. Or, as Jackie told me after ten years of marriage, “I know he yells at me sometimes but underneath it all, we’re really crazy about each other". All of these answers indicate the same thing: the woman is hooked into a relationship in which she is being mistreated.
A relationship with a misogynist is very intense and confusing. Many powerful emotional forces are at work, which makes it difficult for the woman to see clearly what is happening. However, once we learn what these forces are and how they keep the woman hooked, the reasons why she tolerates her partner’s mistreatment become more understandable.
[…]. But good feelings, no matter how intense, are only half the story. The dark side of a misogynistic partnership is that in order to experience the good times, a woman must also tolerate a great deal of pain. […]. Addictive love works like any other addiction, whether it is to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or food. There is a compulsive, driven need for the other person. When a woman is in an addictive love relationship, she experiences intense pain and suffering when she is deprived of her partner; she feels that she cannot live without him. The relationship provides a “high” that nothing else matches—and in order to get those highs, she will tolerate a great deal of abusive treatment. […]. Remember, the misogynist’s jealousy and possessiveness have already seriously limited her world, which further enhances his importance to her. It is a vicious cycle. The more dependent she becomes, the more important he becomes. The more important he is, the more she is willing to give up for him, so that there is less left in her life that is free of him. […]. The misogynist’s outbursts as well as his tenderness generally have little to do with how his partner is behaving. He is driven by his own inner demons.
[…]. Fear in intimate relationships operates on several levels. On one level, there are the survival fears—fear of making it financially on your own, fear of being poor, fear of being the sole provider and nurturer for your children, and fear of being alone—which keep women from leaving abusive relationships. (See Chapter 15 for an in-depth discussion of these fears and the ways in which they can be handled). But fear is present in the misogynistic relationship long before the woman begins to think of leaving. […]. Such incapacitating fears are not unusual for women in misogynistic relationships. The physical and emotional distress that result from incurring the misogynist’s displeasure can be so painful that women will do virtually anything to avoid it, including tolerate their partners’ irrational behavior. It’s important to remember that no matter how much distress a woman is in, her partner views her pain as her fault. She is not allowed to say “Ouch” when he hurts her, especially if her pain is a reaction to his behavior. […]. Unfortunately, the misogynist has other tactics to keep his partner hooked in, one of which is to make her believe that she is at fault for everything that goes wrong between them.
[…]. Many people are frightened to take a look at the forces that shaped their characters and their backgrounds, believing that the past should be buried and that looking back might mean wallowing in self-pity and old wounds. But self-discovery can open up exciting new choices and options for us. The more we understand what shaped us as individuals, the more tools we have to free ourselves from behaviors that no longer work for us. […]. If a child’s early treatment teaches her that she is bad, inadequate, worthless and unlovable, she will find ways to set up her life that support this view. […]. While our self-images are developing, we are also learning, through identification with our mothers, what it means to be a woman and how women are supposed to behave with men. Our fathers, on the other hand, are our first references for how men behave and how they treat women. […]. The messages we receive as children become the core information we use about ourselves and our position in the world for the rest of our lives. Often, however, we do not consciously realize that this information even exists. One of the greatest benefits of reexamining our backgrounds is that we discover what messages we got from our parents. Although this discovery process is painful, it assists us in our efforts to change our current behavior and even our feelings about ourselves. Messages, after all, are learned; and anything we learned can be unlearned.
[…]. A battered woman demonstrates to her daughter that a woman must tolerate anything in order to hold on to a man. […]. When Lorraine continually submitted to Nate’s abuse, she was communicating to Jackie that she couldn’t survive without her husband. Jackie told me: “I could never understand why my mother, who I saw as wonderful, stayed with my father when he treated her so miserably. […]. I’d ask her why she stayed, especially when she was crying after he’d screamed at her, and she’d say, “Where would I go? What would I do? Who would take care of us?”.“
The messages that Jackie received from her parents’ interactions—that the world is a scary place for a woman without a man, that women are helpless and dependent on men, and that men have all the power in relationships and women have none—were etched deeply into Jackie’s attitudes and perceptions. She grew up firmly convinced that a woman must have a relationship with a man at any price, even if that price is her dignity and sense of self-worth. […]. As I pointed out in "The Paradox of The Powerful Woman”, a woman may be a fully independent adult in her business or professional life, and still react as a helpless child in her most intimate relationship. […]. Most women whose fathers were tyrannical and whose mothers were passive make their primary gender identification with their mothers, but they may also take into their characters some of their fathers’ aggressiveness. In families where one parent is obviously a lot more powerful than the other, a child often, without being aware of it, takes into his or her character many attributes of the more powerful parent, even though that parent may be of the opposite sex. But Jackie, like many of the women I’ve seen, believed she could use the power she took from her father only in her professional life.

If you want to learn more about child abuse, jsyk Susan Forward also wrote the book ”Toxic Parents“. Although Forward argues that being submissive is not simply a case of being masochistic, it is important to recognize that being "feminine” requires sacrifice. Some women (e.g. sex-positive LibFems) “feel good” about having self-sacrificing behaviours bc they get implicit approval from society. & remember: Bosses admit they would discriminate against women not wearing makeup, + many women view sexual assault as normal behavior.

Our personal troubles are usually connected to social issues (see “The Myth of Individualism”). Stevi Jackson is definitely my fave second-wave feminist, bc her critical theories are focused on the politics of heterosexuality + gender socialization. Here Jackson explores Janet Holland’s book “The Male In The Head - a detailed investigation of the social construction of heterosexuality:

What do they mean by "the male in the head”? The term is intended to capture the ubiquity and pervasiveness of male power within heterosexual relations and the ways in which that power governs every aspect of young women’s and men’s sexual desires and practices. […]. Moreover, we are also well aware of sexual violence and coercion as well as more subtle manifestations of male power within heterosexual relations. We have also been alert to the ways in which our own desires have been shaped by the patriarchal and heterosexist culture within which our sexualities are formed. […]. Usually, the contrast between the understandings of sexuality expressed by young men and women are understood as two separate masculine and feminine worlds of meaning which collide when a heterosexual couple meet. This, indeed, is how the WRAP team at first saw their findings. However, they became increasingly aware that rather than there being two contrasting masculine and feminine versions of heterosexuality, young men and women were taking up different locations within the same institution and were actively “constituting and reproducing male dominance” (p.11). Both men and women were simultaneously creating and being regulated by “the surveillance power of this male dominated and institutionalised heterosexuality”. The phrase “the male in the head” is intended to capture this internalised power of surveillance, the way in which male dominated heterosexuality affects not only sexual practices, but the minds and desires of women as well as men. […]. Informal talk among friends also serves to reinforce the masculinity of heterosexuality. The dominance of male sexual discourse circumscribes girls’ talk. Girls’ generally distance themselves from the ways in which boys talk about sex, but are then left without a language of their own. […]. What girls learn from their friends is not so much about sexuality as “about the boundaries of feminine identity and the social mechanism of sexual reputation” (p.68). Within adolescent culture, it is boys who dominate “the definition of the sexually explicit and of the female anatomy” (p.70). […]. Boys prove their masculinity through displaying their knowledge and experience in the stories they tell. While boys know that some of these stories are invented or exaggerated, talk within the male peer group remains “a critical site for inducting young men into what it is to be a man”. Even those who do not conform to the norms of dominant masculinity “are still complicit in the collective construction of the male peer group and subject to its power” (p.71). So important is this talk that it is one of the reasons young men badly want to gain sexual experience. As one nineteen year old succinctly put it: “Sex means I’ve got something to tell my mates” (p.86). […]. Male power becomes more explicit when they resort to coercion or violence. While the young women were not explicitly questioned about sexual violence or coercion, about a quarter of them talked about experiences of sexual violence or being pressured into unwanted sex. […]. Moreover, women can feel pressured simply by virtue of the dominant construction of male desire as a driving need; many men and women saw women as responsible for a man’s arousal and hence under an obligation to satisfy him.[This article was originally published in "Trouble & Strife” magazine; Issue 39, 1999].

For a more in-depth analysis of Femininity in general, see @questioningfemininity + the article “Imagining A World Without Gender”.
Anyway, in films, the “You Don’t Have To Love Me Back” trope is much like the “Brooding Boy, Gentle Girl” trope… which is much like the “All Girls Want Bad Boys” trope (the worst trope ever). You know, it’s basically like, “He’s a notorious mercenary with a Dark & Troubled Past and whose heart is deeply wounded as a result. She’s an Artificial Human with the innocence and sweetness of a child”. For example, Nine & A Half Weeks“ (1986) and ”Dance of The Damned“ (1989) perfectly represent the "Brooding Boy, Gentle Girl”. These are not exactly baaad films, but they need to be criticized and analyzed (see also Linda Holtzman’s book “Media Messages”). “Nine & A Half Weeks” (which caused some controversy at the time for being the most explicitly sexual big-budget film since “Last Tango In Paris” (1973), & for depicting bizarre sex games) is an erotic story about a bored woman who gets involved in an impersonal affair with a mysterious troubled man. They use each other solely for sexual gratification and nothing else; He’s a selfish bastard, she’s needy. & eventually, she finally realizes that his seduction is dangerous, and then leaves him.
& “Dance Of The Damned” is not an erotic story; it’s a very melodramatic film, but it’s still about a sad & vulnerable woman (who happens to be a sex worker) who slowly “falls in love” with a sad & lonely guy (who happens to be a vampire); and she eventually leaves him (well actually, he dies… i think?).
These specific cases of self-harming behaviors are further discussed in Chapter 7 from “Attachment-Focused Trauma Treatment For Children & Adolescents”:

Related to self-harm, and potentially more lethal, is the tendency to engage in dangerous behaviours. Sometimes these appear as compulsions, other times they involve confusion and internal pressure around sexual behaviours, thrill-seeking arising out of a need to feel emotion other than sadness, anger or despair, or an alter who is acting out one of many feelings or urges with little concern about the impact it has on the whole self. Amie would sneak out and hang around street corners at night in a neighborhood known for young prostitutes. She maintained that she wasn’t planning to engage in prostitution, but she enjoyed the excitement of being approached by men for sex. She was never sure she would say "no” until the moment came. She also would go out drinking, sneaking into bars while underage. Because she had been given alcohol at a very young age by her mother and her mother’s male friends, alcohol and the feeling of being drunk triggered the activities of a sexualised alter who liked to taunt the police and then run away through back alleys while they chased her. John liked to walk on railroad bridges and jump off when the train was coming. He felt numb and empty, and enjoyed the rush of adrenaline he would get. Kalli had an alter who craved excitement and didn’t feel fear. She would cruise BDSM chat rooms, pick up men and arrange to have them take her to parties. These behaviours are life-threatening, frightening and often more clinically challenging than self-harm. These are complicated symptoms that have multiple motivations and secondary gains. When there is a self-harm component, it’s often hidden. In the examples above, the young people denied trying to hurt or kill themselves. “Fun”, excitement and challenge were more likely to be given as reasons. At the same time, risk of harm or death weren’t enough to stop the behaviours, because these young people saw injury and death as more acceptable than feeling numb or empty. Many of the children and adolescents I work with refer to themselves as being “bored”. This word frustrates adults, but it often means something other than the way we understand it. “Bored” is the word that best describes the emptiness of feeling no meaningful connection or emotion. Escaping this numb emptiness is motivating, and yet to connect to real feelings, our young clients would need to experience the overwhelming pain connected to their trauma and loss. In order to solve this dilemma, they get caught up in an escalating search for “excitement”.[p. 99-101].

~ stay safe, Anon! :)

anonymous asked:

Yugbam, bambam bullies yugyeom around a lot but at the end of the day, bambam is the little spoon

warnings: uhhhhHHHH

word count: 4.6k 

author: angel

a/n: guess who’s filling a prompt which isn’t even on her prompt list T.T I’m so very sorry for how disorganised I’m being about this but this prompt kinda just hit me and I just kinda- yeah. and omg the amount of irrelevant crap that’s in here (I blame Bi entirely, it’s all her fault ):<) and this was supposed to be short and angsty but I think I’m physically incapable of writing sad endings or short fics T.T so here I am. sigh :(

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Protective/Possessive BTS: Brother Edition

Everyone seems to enjoy this series most (including myself) so I thought we shouldn’t let it die down and continue with another part :* I have many more ideas for this series, so even if this part is disappointing to you in any way, we’ll have a better part of the series next time :* 

Parts we already did: Boyfriend / Kdrama Boyfriend / Sunbae / Husband

Please enjoy it well <333 Dedicated to the bae @kimseokjinsprincess.

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Jin: *Is really irritated that there’s a man in your life whom you spend more time with than him*

Him: “I swear, ______, ever since you’re dating your classmate you have forgotten about your brother. Remember how we used to play Mario together? Or how you used to give me a hug when I came home on the weekends?”

You: “I’ll give you a hug here and now if you fry me some chicken”

Him: “[Desperate] Okay, deal”

Originally posted by jinsthighs

Suga: *Only let’s you watch Kpop, kdramas etc. if they’re not too sexual which results in you having never heard Rap Mon’s mixtape but being able to sing along to Bangtan’s Eco Driving Song*

Him: “[Grandpa Yoongi] Safety first! Yay!”

You: “[Under your breath] Just you wait, oppa, I’ll buy ‘Expensive Girl’ from the black market if I have to”

Originally posted by pdmin

Rap Monster: *You were just talking to the cute boy next door when Namjoon comes up from behind and ruins the mood*

Him: “Hey guys, what’s up, huh? Should we go to the amusement park this weekend? Now that I have my driving license, I can take you places. Let’s have fun, shall we?”

You: “God help me

Originally posted by the-rap-man

J-Hope: *Always takes your hand when you go outside even though you’re already a teenager. People have asked you multiple times if your brother is your boyfriend because of it*

You: “Oppa, I’m old enough to cross this street by myself, you don’t need to hold my hand like a toddler’s”

Him: “Shut up and stay close. The city centre is dangerous. I won’t let my sibling get run over by a car. Now be a good girl and look left and right”

Originally posted by hobilu

Jimin: *Chimchim always checks up on you. For instance, if you laugh to loudly watching a variety show, he’ll stick his head into your room and check whether you are alright. It’s a bit obsessive, yet at times you are happy that there’s always someone around who would take care of you*

You: [Screaming because of a jump scare in a movie]

Him: “[Is at your door in no time] _______, are you okay? There was some loud noise?”

You: “Oppa, I think it would be better if we watched this movie together, it’s quite scary to be honest”

Originally posted by queenparkjimin

V: *His heart is breaking when you go on an exchange trip abroad, leaving him proud but worried and longing to have his sibling back*

Him: *I wonder if the host family is treating her well? And what about her new calssmates? They won’t make fun of her because of her English accent, will they? Is she eating enough? God, I just want her to return to Korea safely*

Originally posted by kpop-kdrama-kvariety

Jungkook: *Your immature boyfriend just broke up with you via text, leaving you devastated and crying in your room. Kookie comes in cautiously and tries to comfort you*

Him: “What a douchebag, seriously. How dare he treat a wonderful girl like this. Should I go teach him a lesson, _______? I might be younger than him but he’s no match for me. He really has to learn that he shouldn’t treat people like that, it makes me furious, what an arrogant prick”

Originally posted by btsfunboyz

The boys meeting your daughter's boyfriend for the first time (requested)

Ashton: “Where do you think you’re going missy” your daughter tried to head to the door as quietly as possible, but not quite enough.  “Out” she turned around, her face facing the ground, “where too?” Ashton crossed him arms across his chest, “to dinner” she mumbled, “with whom?” she mumbled a name that Ashton couldn’t hear, “who?” “Nathan” she finally met his eyes. “As in a date?” your daughter slowly nodded her head, “you haven’t left yet? I thought Nathan was picking you up?” you walked into the room, “you knew she was going out” “yes Ash, I did. Relax, she’s 16 she is allowed to have a boyfriend” “boy-boyfriend?” Ashton couldn’t believe what he was told, “yes dad, we’ve been going out for 3 months” “why didn’t you tell me?” your husband sounded broken, his own daughter didn’t tell him about her first, well he was hoping, her first boyfriend. “Because I knew you would act like this, and he means a lot to me, mum you’ve met him, help?” your daughter turned to you with hoping eyes. “He is a nice guy, I didn’t tell my parents about how we were going out for about a year after we started going out, so you have no right to act like this” you told Ashton, “you really care about him?” he turned to face his daughter, “yeah dad, I do, and he really cares about me, I know he does” “then tell him to come inside, I want to meet him” your daughter smiled, nodding her head before going outside, coming back in a minute later with a nerves boy following her inside, “hi Mrs Irwin” he smiled towards you, “hello Nathan” you smiled back. “Hi Mr. Irwin, I’m Nathan” he held out his hand, waiting for Ashton to respond, “Where are you taking my daughter tonight?” Ashton ignored his handshake, “out for dinner, at Parrazie, I’ll have her back by 11” “that place is expensive” “y/d/n only deserves the best” Nathan was still shaking, “have her back by 11, one minute late-” “Ashton” you stopped him from talking, “I promise you she’ll be home, safely by 11” Ashton nodded, “bye dad” your daughter took Nathans hand, and started walking towards the door, “Nathan” Ashton stopped him, “nice meeting you” Nathan smiled, knowing that Ashton didn’t hate him, “nice meeting you too sir, bye” he smiled before walking out the door.

Michael: “What’s gotten you into such a good mood?” Michael asked, as your daughter smiled happily into the lounge room when you and Michael were watching tv. “no reason” she shrugged, before her phone went off, she smile even brighter, “who’s that?” you asked, “no one” she didn’t take her eyes off of the screen, “who’s Ben heart heart heart?” your younger son came into the room, reading over your daughters shoulder, “yes y/d/n, who is Ben, heart heart heart?” Michael asked, “my boyfriend” she mumbled, not taking her eyes off her phone, “I want to meet this Ben” Michael told her daughter, “you’re not mad?” she smiled, “depends what he’s like”
*few nights later*
“what time is he coming” you asked, as your daughter was sitting on the kitchen bench playing with her thumbs, “anytime from now”- “and how long have you been going out for?” you heard Michael taking, “just over a month sir” you heard a younger boy stumble, “dad!” your daughter yelled, running to the front door to see Ben still standing outside, and Michael asking him questions. “Ben, come inside” your daughter pushed past Michael, grabbing hold of Bens hand, walking through the house until she got to the kitchen where you were. “Mum this is Ben” she smiled, “Hi Mrs. Clifford” he smiled to you.
For the rest of the night, Michael never stopped asking Ben questions, until “how did you too meet?” “well actually, she was in my science class, sitting at the back, some people were picking on her-” “y/d/n how come you never told us?” you asked your daughter, “it’s okay mum, it hardly ever happened, plus it doesn’t happen anymore, because Ben came up and sat down next to me and told the guys that if they ever talked to me again, they would regret it” “so you think violets is the answer?” Michael asked, “No sir, of course not, I’m just trying to protect y/d/n” “protect her huh?” “Yes sir, I’m always going to protect her.”

Luke: “so um… dad? Mum?” your daughter walked into your bedroom, “yeah sweetie?” Luke answered, “um, so you know Tim right?” you and Luke stayed quiet, only nodding your heads, “well um… I kind of want you to meet him” she stumbled, “where did this come from?” you asked, “unless, did he ask you out?” “Dad, stop trying to act like one of my friends” your daughter laughed, “we’ve been going out for a while… and yeah, I really want him to meet you guys” she smiled at the fact that neither of you were angry for keeping the secret. “That would be great, how about we all go out for lunch tomorrow?” you suggested, “sure.”
*next day*
Your daughter lead the way to the table where Tim was sitting, she quickly walked up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek while he wrapped his arms around her waist, but quickly pulled apart when he saw Luke staring him down, “hi Mrs and Mr Hemming’s, I’m Tim” he held out his hand, “hi Tim nice too meet you, please call me y/n” you shook his hand, “keep it Mr Hemming’s” Luke said, taking his hand, continuing to stare him down.  
When Tim left to quickly go to the bathroom, it left you, Luke and your daughter sitting at the table, “dad can you stop being rude, you were fine last night” your daughter told Luke, “you are breaking up with him at the end of this lunch, that is final” Luke stood up walked out of the café, with your daughter following. “Dad, why are you so against him?” she begged, “I don’t want you having a boyfriend” he stressed out, “why not?” “because you’re my baby girl, if you get a boyfriend, then thing you’re moving out, getting married, having kids, you’re meant to me my 3 year old who would come running to me when you got a cut on your knee, not going out with some stupid teenage boy” without a second thought, you’re daughter wrapped her arms around her dad, “I’ll always be you’re baby girl dad, I don’t plan on moving out, or getting married anytime soon, I still need to finish school” she laughed, “which is coming to end for you, so you need to be studying” “dad, Tim means a lot of me, I’ve known him since year 7, please can you just trust him?” she asked again, “can you please go back inside and be nice, I really want you to like him” she gave him the puppy dog eyes, “please dad?” she begged, “if it’s want you really want” he sighed, giving her another hug before finally accepting the fact that is baby girl isn’t going to be a baby for much longer.

Calum: “Who is this?” Calum held up your daughters phone in front of her face, showing her lock screen of her and a boy kissing her check, “Zac” she told him, taking the phone from his hands, “who is he?” “My boyfriend” she stated like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “when am I meeting him?”  He asked, still annoyed that his own daughter didn’t trust him enough to tell him this. “He’s coming around in a moment to take me out” “I thought you said you were going out with Lilly tonight, anything else you’ve lied about?” “that’s not a lie, I’m going to the movies with friends tonight, including Zac and Lilly” she told Calum, “I’m meeting him tonight, if I don’t like them then you’re not going” “dad, that’s not fair” “yes it is and that’s final”
When Zac finally come to the front door, Calum quickly answered the door, your daughter panicking behind him. “Hi Mr. Hood, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Zac” “Zac, hey” your daughter came up behind him, trying to push past you, “where are you two going tonight?” Calum continued to ask questions, “I’m taking y/d/n, to see a movie with some of our other friends from school” Zac said, “Which movie?” “Catching Fire, sir” “when will you have her home by?” “Dad can you please stop with the questions?” your daughter begged, “well?” Calum waited for an answer, “no later than 11, I can promise you that” “10:30 is the latest” Calum ‘corrected’ Zac, “no later than 10:30” Zac repeated after Calum, showing him that he understands. “Come on, let’s go” your daughter tried to leave, “nice meeting you Mr Hood” Zac shook his hand again, “likewise” Calum replied.

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