at least the way I felt with nine and ten

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Originally posted by aomg-jaypark

Finally! Able to move! It felt like heaven being able to move again. It felt like it’s been years but it’s been like a day or so, at least that’s what Soyoung told me. She explained to me what happened and why I was in the hospital. And of course I forgave her for hitting me. It gave me a wake up call to get my shit together. I introduced Seulgi and Soyoung. She took to her almost immediately. She calls her Aunt Soyoung. It’s adorable the way she says her name. Seulgi’s pronunciation isn’t that great. If I was to rate her pronunciation 1 to 10, it would be about a 7. And that’s kinda my fault for being lazy when teaching her. 

I was still in a little pain and a little stiff. I sat up and groaned out in at the pain. “You good?” Soyoung asked. “I’m fine.” I lied. Seulgi sat in my lap and I played with her hair. “Aunt Soyoung!” “Yes Seulgi?” “Do you know my dad?” Seulgi asked. My eyes widened as Soyoung’s. We both looked at each other. “No. Never met him.” “But you said you were always hanging out with my mom. Did you see him at least once? Please tell me.” Seulgi begged. “Stop begging! She’s never met your father! Don’t beg! I didn’t teach you to do that!” I scolded. 

She folded her arms and pouted. I sighed and wrapped my arms around her little body. “Mommy’s sorry for yelling. There’s just something about your dad, I can’t let you know right now.” I admitted. “What’s so bad about my dad that I can’t know who he is?” She asked. “Seulgi, don’t upset your mother. She and your father share a dark chapter and she doesn’t wish to talk about it.” I heard my phone go off. Good to know it wasn’t damaged in the accident. It was on the nightstand next to the bed. I picked up the phoone and answered it without looking at it. 

“Hello?”

“Y/N! Where in the hell have you been?! I’ve been calling you all night?” 

Speak of the devil. 

“Jay can we talk about this later? I don’t really have the time to talk.” 

“Bullshit! Right now! Where are you?! You’re not at Stephanie’s! You’re not with any of your friends! You’re not even at Sunghwa’s!” 

“Wait. You checked to see if I was with Sunghwa?”

It became clear. Why I was here? I was looking for Sunghwa. He’s the reason why I’m in this fucking hospital. I was fucking looking for Sunghwa! I hung up and put my phone on back on the nightstand. “Fucking asshole.” I said under my breath. “What happened?” Soyoung asked. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it. When do I get out of here again?” “Tomorrow. They just have to run a few more tests and you’ll be free to go.” She answered. I only frowned and looked down. What the hell am I going to do with Seulgi and her desire to know her father? Oh shit! I still haven’t told Ye Eun aboout Seulgi! There goes another person who I have to tell.

.

I woke up to the shaking of my shoulders. I opened my eyes and saw Soyoung. I stayed over her apartment because I didn’t want to see Jay’s face right now after my accident. “Morning kid.” “You’re like a couple of weeks older than me. Don’t call me kid.” She only smiled. “Get up.” I slowly arose for the mattress trying not to hurt myself. Moving too fast hurts. I stood up even slower. “Hey, my cousin is coming over for a bit. I haven’t seen him in awhile.” She said. “Of course. I get it. I’ll just be quiet and probably go to a park with Seulgi.” I gathered some clothes I brought from Steph’s. I took a hot shower, dried off my body slowly trying not to affect any of my wounds or stitches. And put on the clothes as slowly as a person could. I put a new bandage over the terrible wound on my forehead. I wrapped my left arm with the bandage to cover the marks that the road did to my arm that still haven’t really healed up. I heard the front door open and closed. I walked out ready to meet her cousin. She he seemed to be her favorite. She loved to talk about him. I still don’t know his name. “Hyukwoo!” I heard her shouted. Wait a minute. I saw her hugging someone. When she left go, he stared directly at me. “Y/N?” “Hyukwoo?” “You two know each other?” Soyoung asked. He didn’t answer he just walked closer to me. “What the hell happened to you?!” He asked almost yelling. He pulled out his phone, dialed a number and put his phone to his ear. “Who are you calling?!” I asked. 

“Yeah! I found her. She’s at my cousin Soyoung’s apartment-” He was talking to Jay. I grabbed his phone, hung up, and threw on the ground. “Yah! What the hell is your problem?!” “Mommy. Who’s the man yelling? He’s scaring me.” I heard Seulgi’s faint voice. “Mommy?” Hyukwoo repeated. She rushed over and hid behind my legs. “You have a kid?” Hyukwoo asked. “Please don’t tell Jay! I’m begging you! Please don’t tell!” I begged rubbing my hands together. My knees hurt too much to get down on them. “How can you hide a human life from both Sunghwa and Jay when they are both so in love with you?!” Hyukwoo shouted. Tears of guilt were forming. There was a knock at the door. Does Jay know her address? What the fuck? “Seulgi-ah, go in the guest room. Please. Don’t make a sound. Don’t you dare come out of that room until I say so. Okay? And lock the door, okay?” She nodded and rushed into the bedroom, locking the door behind her. 

Soyoung opened the door and in walked both Jay and Sunghwa. Sunghwa looked terrible. He looked like he had a rough night which consists of alcohol. “Y/N!” Jay shouted running over to me. He hugged me tightly, hurting me. I yelped out in pain. He let go and took a good look at me. “What the hell happened? Are you okay? Tell me who did this!” “Jay, I’m fine. Please don’t worry.” I looked over to Hyukwoo who looked disappointed in me. He walked out of the apartment. “What’s his problem?” Sunghwa questioned. Jay put his hand on my jawline to force me to look at him. “Don’t run away from me anymore. Please don’t. Okay?” I looked behind him and saw Sunghwa looking down. I pulled away from Jay and turned around. I couldn’t face either one of them. It was killing me just to see them in the same room. “Can you guys leave? I don’t feel comfortable with either one of you right now. Please leave.” I explained. “Okay. Please let me know when it’s an okay time to hang out with you again.” Jay said walking out with Sunghwa. I dropped on my knees ignoring the pain tears falling. Soyoung rushed to my side and helped me over to the sofa. 

“Mom?” I looked over at the guest room door and saw Seulgi staring at me. “Was that daddy?” I could only nod. She walked over and hugged me tightly. I cried on her shoulder. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. She was going to find out soon anyway. “Be strong mommy. Just like you have always been.” To hear those words come out of her mouth made me cry even more. To hear her say say something so damn motivation and being so young makes me want to sob. I let go of her and wiped my eyes. “Whatever happens. I love you, Seulgi.” “I love you too mommy.” I pulled her into my lap and held her as tightly as I possibly could. I kissed her forehead and turned on the TV. We watch a TV show that came on. Soyoung had to leave for work. I promised to look over her place for her. 

-Jay’s POV-

She’s hiding something. Why was she so uncomfortable seeing me? Hyukwoo and her shared secretive looks. He also looked toward that room that was directly behind her. Was there something in that room? He knows something. I need to find out what it is. Right fucking now. I pulled Hyukwoo aside and made sure no one else was around. “Be honest with me. You know something about Y/N that I don’t. Tell me.” “You’ll find out soon. Look at the bigger picture. You’ll see everything you’ve been missing. And why she doesn’t want to be with you again.” He answered walking away. What the fuck did he mean by that? Was that an insult? Y/N! What the hell are you hiding from me? Why are you hiding it?


Here’s the next chapter. Two chapters in one day? We’re happy people are actually enjoying this series! Thank you so much for the love and support on this. This series may end very soon. But we don’t know for sure. Sorry for any mistakes. We hope you enjoyed this chapter. And thank you so much for reading. Admin Kai and Admin June

Originally posted by zevzekadamcom

Stendan and Stug: Everything Right and Wrong in a Relationship and Why it's Not What You Think

In response to brendanbradys answer to http://brendanbradys.tumblr.com/page/3 this anon. It got a bit away from me so I did a separate post. 

‘Mostly I really don’t get why they stayed together for so long’. Let me introduce you to a concept in psychology called graduated commitment. The general gist is that the deeper you get into a situation, the harder it is to get out. I always saw Stug from Ste’s side as very much that. I think at the beginnning they were very good friends and I think Ste was in denial about Brendan and wanted to avoid him and all the rest of it, and I think Doug was just there for him. I think if he’d gone into business with any other character who had conveniently turned gay, he’d have latched onto him as well. In my mind, Stug to Ste was never about what it was but rather about what it wasn’t. And you just can’t build a relationship on that no matter how much you want to. 

I think quite simply, Stug was about Ste getting in too deep and actually not being able to get out. It would have been fine if he and Doug hadn’t have gone into business together, but they did, so that already gave him an extra layer of commitment to Doug that he wouldn’t have had otherwise. He was his friend and he had wanted to do well with him and now he was already going into business with him. Another interesting point with Stug was that their 'major’ developments, and by major, I’m meaning buying the Deli, getting engaged and even getting married were fueled almost solely by Doug’s insecurities about Brendan. if you watch their storyline in tandem with Brendan’s, when Brendan’s 'peaks’ as it were and Ste is involved - for example, when Brendan gets blown up and is in hospital, that’s when Doug proposes or at the very least, forces the issue and I felt at those times Ste chose to do what he did not necessarily out of desire but rather out of guilt, as nine times out of ten, Doug would do a big speech about how he was still hung up on Brendan or how he still had feelings for him, and I always interpreted Ste then obliging Doug as a way of him basically trying to 'prove’ otherwise. Both to Doug and himself in a way. I believe very much that Ste wanted Stug to work and that he tried to force himself to make it work and for a while it worked because Brendan made it so easy for him in a way in behaving the way he did towards him. It was only later when Brendan started to change that the very reason that Ste was in a relationship with Doug - because Brendan wouldn’t change, vanished and he realised that actually, there was nothing standing in his way anymore. And that scared him and that was what Doug picked up on. The foundations of Stug were crumbling beneath him and he was just trying to cling on as much as possible to this man whom he genuinely loved rightly or wrongly with all his heart. I sometimes think if Doug had been less paranoid, less intent on setting Brendan up, would it have been as 'easy’ for Ste to choose Brendan? And by easy, I don’t mean easy in one sense, although I do in another, I just mean that Ste was with Doug because he was esssentially the opposite of Brendan, but with Brendan changing, and Doug actually reverting to Brendan-esque tactics to ruin Stendan, Ste started to see that actually, there wasn’t as much difference between the two men as he had previously thought. So with that in mind, he might as well choose the man he wanted all along. 

'I also hate that the writers always refused to acknowledge that they were a pretty unhealthy ship just because apparently emotional abuse is not as bad as physical abuse’

This. Just…this. Stug were never ever a healthy ship to me for the aforementioned reasons of it being based on what it wasn’t as opposed to what it was, that Ste was essentially with him to avoid Brendan, and Doug was just so insecure. None of that is the foundation for a healthy relationship. It hurts all parties involved. Doug never hit Ste, that much is true, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusive. He made him feel worthless, he checked his phone, he went behind his back, He emotionally manipulated him to the point that Ste would have to explain every single one of his actions, to the point that Ste would lie to him to visit Brendan, to the point that he was made to grovel and justify himself. That is not a healthy relationship. Trust me, I know, I’ve been there. No, Doug never hit Ste but that didn’t mean that I didn’t feel uncomfortable watching some of their scenes. They were just that bit too close to home for me at times.

Stendan were actually a lot healthier in this respect. I could breathe more watching their scenes. This does not mean that I’m saying that the abuse at the beginning was okay. I’m not. In any capacity. What I am saying however, is that in the later stages when Stendan were properly together, it was healthier. Yes, they were co-dependent and obsessive and toxic but there was never that emotional manipulation. My evidence? The arguments. But you know what? That was good because they both got up in each other’s faces and got everything out in the open there and then. They shouted at each other, insulted each other and then that was it. It was done. And they moved on. They forgave each other and just moved on, with both parties knowing exactly where they stood with each other and with no lingering guilt on either side. That was good. Stug were never healthy because they were never honest with each other. They never said ‘right, cards on the table, this is how I feel, what you gonna do about it?’ They never had that sort of open relationship where they knew that the foundations were secure enough for them to metaphorically push and shove each other and know that the walls would not collapsed. If Stendan were a castle in the strength of their foundations, Stug was a house of cards. Both were too worried about upsetting the other/ being honest, that they never said or never allowed themselves to realise what needed to be said or what needed to be thought.

I also think this was kind of linked obviously to Doug’s insecurity, but what I think is actually really interesting is that both Doug and  Brendan were incredibly insecure in their relationships with Ste, the only difference was the type of insecurity and also how they went about it. Doug was insecure from the get go. Why? Because he was always insecure about Ste’s love for him. He never truly believed that Ste loved him in the way that he loved Brendan and Doug’s actions were almost solely guided by this insecurity. He was paranoid about Ste not loving him, so he asked him to marry him, he was paranoid about Ste getting back with Brendan so he asks him to move to America with him, etc etc. Essentially his actions focused on getting Ste away from Brendan to the point that it actually impacted his treatment of Ste.

Brendan on the other hand didn’t have that insecurity. I’ve always believed that Brendan knew that Ste loved him so already the foundation of his relationship with Ste was stronger, however what he was insecure about was about whether he deserved that love. He was insecure and never believed himself worthy of that love. How did this impact his behaviour? Well, interestingly, it never impacted his treatment of Ste per se. Obviously, before they got together, his insecurity tended to manifest itself in him physically removing himself to the nearest Church or Ireland, but then into his relationship with Ste, he actually settled a lot and the only way in which it did impact was when it was triggered. For example, when Amy reappeared and wanted the kids back. Brendan’s main solution to the problem was to end his relationship with Ste. When Ste was asking about what happened with his dad, Brendan told him to ‘walk away’. Etc, etc. They key thing here is Ste never did, whereas I think if Doug had truly been intent on ending it, I don’t think Ste would have put up much of a fight beyond the initial reaction. A key example would be the airport scene where Doug gave him the ticket to Dublin. In my opinion, this showed that Doug did genuinely love Ste in a very that was very similar to Brendan and I do believe he would have done anything for him, but he finally realised that he could not keep fighting him. He wanted Ste to be happy and so, to quote that old saying, ‘If you love someone, let them go’ Of course, ‘if they love you, they’ll come back’. Who did Ste go back to? Brendan. Who, incidentally, had let him go. On many, many, many occasions.

It is for this reason that I believe that Stendan was ‘pure’ love. And by ‘pure’ I don’t mean right or wrong or healthy or anything else, I mean pure as in both partners were invested in that relationship, heart, mind, body and soul, and not only that, they both knew it. They both knew that they were deeply, devotedly, scarily loved by the other and that they would do anything for them. They knew that all the love declarations where they promised to love each other forever were true, and they also knew there was no one else. They were secure, not in the conventional sense, but they were secure in each other’s love, and that to me, is what ‘pure’ love is. It’s not hearts and flowers and all that, it’s devotion and dedication and being able to back those words up with actions.