at a redbox

funny story

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We never had a second date.

Awkward Valentine's Day/Date Starters
  • “So…I can’t afford Netflix, but we can Redbox and chill if you want?”
  • “Roses were sold out everywhere, so I got you a bucket of chicken instead.”
  • “The date was great! Well … until we got to his apartment where his dog kept trying to hump me.”
  • “Every year I tell you the same thing; I don’t like white chocolate!!”
  • “Not only did he take me to McDonalds for Valentine’s, he used coupons to pay for it.”
  • “All the stores were sold out of condoms…”
  • “I think there was something wrong with the food because I don’t feel so good.”
  • “We need to cut this date short because I’m going to shit myself.”
  • “PLEASE tell me your credit card did NOT just get declined.”
  • “What do you mean you’re in labor, the baby’s not due for another month and these tickets weren’t cheap!!”
  • “Did you get any of those rose petals stuck between your ass cheeks?”
  • “Are you okay?! I swear I didn’t mean to pop the cork into your face!”
  • “He not only showed up to our date wasted, but broke a $200 bottle of champagne over his head.”
  • “So not exactly the surprise you were hoping for, but we’re having a baby.”
  • “There weren’t any nuts in those chocolates were there?”
  • “I think I’d rather have been home alone with a pint of ice cream than to have come out on this date with you tonight.”
  • “I’m sorry my overwhelming libido put you in the hospital.”
  • “I’m sorry, I can’t help it; I’m lactose intolerant.”
  • “I can’t drink any champagne because … I might be pregnant.”
  • “He asked if he could ‘lick my pussy’ and I told him I didn’t have a cat.”
  • “Quick, call 911; the stove’s on fire.”
  • “Wait, if you don’t have a car, how are you taking me out then?”
  • “I don’t think drizzling chocolate on the bed was a very good idea … ”
  • “I’d kiss you but there were red onions in my dish … ”
  • “Either I’ve got food poisoning or the baby’s coming.”
  • “I wanted to propose to you tonight but I think our waitress … kinda stole the ring.”
  • “I know spending Valentine’s in the hospital isn’t very romantic, but I can’t tell you how happy I am that you stayed.”
  • “So, um, I don’t think we can have sex tonight. I just got my period.”
  • “If you’re going to fart in my car, at least give me a warning next time.”
  • “My/Your dress totally ripped up the back and now my/your ass is hanging out.”
  • “We weren’t even ten minutes into our date before he pulled his dick out and started jerking it under the table!!”
  • “I don’t mean to be rude, but did you brush your teeth with garlic or something?! The smell is overwhelming.”
  • “Not only was he/she late to our Skype date, but I could see his/her side guy/chick in his/her bed in the background!”
  • “Well, being handcuffed and arrested certainly made the date exciting.”
  • “No, we’re going to have to cancel our reservations, I can’t find a sitter.”
  • “Even though I peed myself in the middle of our date, we still had a good time.”
  • "Well, I had bought you a really nice Valentine’s gift, but one of the kids thought it’d be funny to flush it down the toilet.”
  • “I’m the master of the microwave.”
  • “Oh. Um, they must have mixed up our plates. That ring isn’t for you.”
  • “I was so nervous for the date, I forgot to put deodorant on. That might be why they haven’t called me in a few days.”
  • “If you’re expecting an engagement ring tonight, then I’ve got bad news for you.”
  • “He tied me to the bed, told me to call him daddy, and next thing I know, he’s face down between my legs, snoring.”

Make It Everlasting So Nothing’s Incomplete by (9k)

Trying to be conspicuous so he doesn’t startle him, Harry sidles up to Louis and asks, “How’s it going?”

“Alright,” Louis muses, turning his head so he can smile at Harry. “I wish there were explanations about what each of the flowers mean on labels or something, though.”

A thrill runs up Harry’s spine, and he can’t quite temper the grin that spreads across his face as he asks, “Well, I could tell you, if you’d like?”

“Oh, only if you have time, I don’t want to keep you away from your work -”

“Louis,” Harry laughs, gesturing around the empty shop. “There is nobody here and, as luck would have it, there is literally nothing I would like more than to talk to you about flowers.”

your heart is glowing (and i’m crashing into you) by anyadisee (11k)

If this were a fairytale, maybe even a Young Adult novel or a chick flick, this would be the moment where Louis would stare right into his soul and whisper, “You. It’s you, Harry,” before pulling him in for a kiss right there and then in the middle of the sidewalk. They’d confess their never-ending love for each other then hold hands for the rest of the walk home, and then they’d go to uni together and become the ultimate power couple of their campus. They’d start a family together a few years after they graduate, find a large house somewhere nice and preferably warm, get two pet dogs and five cats, and then adopt enough children to start a football team. If only men could get pregnant as well, Harry thinks wistfully. He’d love to carry Louis’ babies given the chance.

But. This isn’t a fairytale, nor is it a movie based off the latest YA bestseller. This is real life.

(harry is in love with love, volunteers to hand out valentine gifts for a week, and somehow becomes the football captain’s secret admirer.)

Keep reading

Tips for lifting games and movies!

So this method does involve money but it’s worth it. So purchase a prepaid card and load 5-10 on it. (You could go less it all depends on how many games and movies your getting) You don’t want to use a credit card or debit card because you don’t want it tracing back or charging you.
Now go to your local redbox and rent what you want. Now never return them and you just got games and movies for $5!

Please fire me. A customer just tried to convince my manager and I that the policy “opened CDs, DVDs, and Blurays may not be returned…” means that they “may” possibly be returned. She claimed to be an English teacher.

If you stay with me, I promise I will make every second count. If you stay with me, I will make you breakfast in bed, I will warm your towels before you get out of the shower, I will bake you your favorite desserts. If you stay with me, I will give you massages every night before bed, give you random kisses, and play your favorite video games with you all night long. If you stay with me I will listen to you talk about how horrible your day was after you come home from work, I will always come to the door to give you a hug and kiss hello, I will always be there for you. If you stay with me I will learn how to tie a tie so every Saturday morning I can tie yours up and give you a kiss, I will iron your shirts and make you chicken soup when your feeling sick. If you stay with me I will take you to places we’ve never been, show you parts of me that nobody has ever seen and seranade you with our favorite songs. If you stay with me I will take pictures of you constantly and put them on social media for the whole world to see. I will show you my favorite songs and listen to yours too. If you stay with me I will cuddle you tight on nights when your falling apart. I will spoil you and buy you the best brands you could imagine. I will hold your hand at every concert and music festival we go to. If you stay with me, I will spot you at the gym and scare off all the girls who walk by. I will talk about you with galaxies in my eyes. I will make all my friends jealous because of how amazing you are to me. If you stay with me I will make midnight runs to tacobell and rent a movie from a redbox machine on the nights you can’t fall asleep. I will light candles around the house and we will dance to slow music on our anniversary. If you stay with me I will book hotels along side the ocean for last minute rendezvous. I will chase you down the beach with a water gun and some water balloons. I will set up a bunch of blankets and pillows in the back of your truck so we can lay in there one night and stargaze. If you stay with me, I will find our favorite spot in the city to watch the sun go down. I will plan roadtrips to the mountains where we can snuggle and camp out by the bonfire. I will listen endlessly to you talk about all the things that make you happy. I will stare at you like you are made of gold. If you stay with me I will fill the house with helium balloons and your favorite things on your birthday. I will give you goodmorning and goodnight kisses. I will teach you how to smile through everything. If you stay with me I will calm your anger and kiss you hard when you’re upset about something. I will make you look in my eyes and tell you that we will get through this together. I will hug you untill I can put your heart back together. If you stay with me I will watch your basketball games and route for you from the side lines. I will practice with you and fill your water bottle for you. I will take you out for icecream after all your games and tell you how sexy you looked. If you stay with me I will prove to you that monster energy drinks actually taste like blended up green candies. I will take you through every little shop in the city so we can share all those memories. I will take you to unknown cafes and we will eat the craziest things. If you stay with me I will never go a day without telling you how much I love you. If you stay with me baby … I will make your wildest dreams come true.
—  She’s in love

anonymous asked:

Something I'm curious about you: how did you get into Star Trek?

Well, Nonie, I’ll tell you.

This Christmas, I visited my folks. I’m an only child, and pretty tight with my dad. We’re like, the exact same, except he’s crazy intelligent.

Anyway, we rented Beyond out of redbox. I had a vague impression of a dude named Spock and bad special effects, but that’s all I knew about Trek.

I fucking loved it. 

Leonard McCoy, in particular. I remember thinking, “Who the hell is this Bones guy, and why have I never cared?”

Well, turns out, my dad is a total Star Trek fanboy, and I just never knew.

We spent the rest of December binge-watching TOS. 

We had a blast. I fell in love, and Dad let me babble to him. When I saw him most recently, I admitted to him that I was writing fanfic. 

I had to explain the concept a couple of times, but after a moment of confusion, he was 100% on board.

An actual conversation, later that weekend - 

Dad: What you writing?

Me: Scotty spills his tea on the navigation panel.

Dad, without missing a beat: Nope. Scotty spills his scotch on the navigation panel.

So really, Nonie, I owe this entire blog and everything on it to two people in particular - @outside-the-government, who first encouraged me to write, and my dad, who awoke in me a love of Star Trek and has continued to support my every (crazy) endeavor. 

anonymous asked:

I give u the 'who is the fucker that hasn't returned my favorite DVD yet' trope. I wish u the best (*whispers i love u btw)

(*whispers* i <3 u too anon)

Contains: swearing, dorks being in love, viktuuri, all that shit

Viktor is… what you would call a generally nice man.

Ask anybody, for the matter. Ask his landlord, ask his dog, fuck, even ask that lady down the street whom Viktor once helped with the groceries. Viktor said good morning to the street vendor he always passed by and was the absolute epitome of happiness and sunshine and rainbows. Viktor was kind and gentle and never snapped…

Unless some fucker decides to ruin movie night with Makkachin-

“Listen, sir,” the guy who worked at Redbox says, eyes void of any fucks to give. “The customer who borrowed the DVD still hasn’t reached his due date yet-“

“I don’t CARE.” Viktor huffs, feeling Makkachin nuzzle into his leg. “I’ve been waiting for that DVD for three days. “

“Sir, we have different assortments of other dog related DVD’s you can choose from-“

“But Makkachin specifically likes this one movie, or he’ll immediately fall asleep.” Viktor whines helplessly. “Isn’t there any other copies of that movie? And who the hell is the DVD hoarding dickface who can’t return ‘A Dog’s Purpose’ on its due date anyways-“

A cough behind him.

Seconds later Viktor finds himself staring at Yuuri Katsuki, his coworker at this (insert random desk job here), that guy who can incapacitate enemies with his smile, and is probably the most beautiful man in the world. Who, by the way, just witnessed Viktor Nikiforov indirectly call him a ‘DVD hoarding dickface’.

Ah, what a wonderful world.

“Uh, I believe it’s me?” Yuuri says, slightly narrowing his eyes at Viktor as he slides the DVD unto the counter. Viktor had these frozen mannequin smiles on, you know, the ones you put on when you’re forced to smile whilst a boss is yelling at you? Yeah, those smiles.

“Yuuri!” Viktor forces through gritted teeth, his smile unbearingly wide. “What are you doing here?”

Yuuri raises an eyebrow, staring Viktor from top to bottom. “What about you? For an executive, I certainly didn’t expect you to be borrowing from Redbox, of all places.” Yuuri flashes an apologetic look to the cashier. “No offense.”

Viktor chuckles nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “Ah, Netflix can be a bitch sometimes.”

Yuuri purses his lips, pulling out a few dollar bills for his fee. “So you say.” Viktor just registers the small ball of fluff that was connected to a leash that Yuuri was holding. Makkachin seemed to take a liking to the smaller dag already. Viktor resisted the urge to immediately tackle it.

“Oh my, you have a dog?” Viktor squeals excitedly just as Yuuri was going to walk out of the store.

“What’cha think?”

“Okay, hold up; hold up, how about we watch the movie together, yes? As fellow dog owners?”

Yuuri resisted the urge to smile. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll be called a ‘DVD hoarding dickface’ again.”

Viktor pouts. “Yu-uri~

The Japanese man laughs.

“Fine, I’ll think about it.”