astrology follow

The signs and haircuts:
  • Aries: can't decide whether they want short or long hair
  • Taurus: never has time for one they're too busy buying food
  • Gemini: gets one like every month they enjoy it so much
  • Cancer: hates getting their haircut and regrets it after
  • Leo: switches between long and short hair quite a lot
  • Virgo: they like their hair curly and quite long
  • Libra: likes mid-length hair
  • Scorpio: one word: fringe.
  • Sagittarius: too busy dying their hair to get it cut
  • Capricorn: won't ever let go of their long hair
  • Aquarius: will stick with one style for ages then mix it up all of a sudden
  • Pisces: hardly ever gets one but when they do its dramatic
Signs as things my boyfriend has said to me

Aries- “you know how they have daddy kinks, we should make an uncle kink.”

Taurus- “it sure is pretty hot out here, sweating a storm”(it was 10 degrees)

Gemini- “I wish my neck was as long as a giraffes, maybe then people would get out of my way”

Cancer- “you kind of look like a dead corpse today”

Leo- “pet me like you wanna give me a bath”

Virgo- “whether I die or not this will be fun”

Libra- “I bet you’re only wearing that eyeshadow to hide your eye bags”

Scorpio- “I’m literally smiling through the pain”(talking about how his mac and cheese wouldn’t cool right)

Sagittarius-“ if you don’t want a stupid answer then don’t ask a stupid question”

Capricorn- “I’m tired of eating carrots to make my eye sight better when alcohol can make my vision double anytime”

Aquarius- “im a dolphin…bark”

Pisces- “don’t underestimate the power of orangutans. ”

some zodiac superlatives
  • most competitive: SAGITTARIUS, ARIES, libra, cancer, taurus, scorpio
  • most aggressive: aries, taurus, scorpio, leo
  • most extra: ARIES, leo, gemini, cancer
  • most #thirsty: gemini, sagittarius, leo, scorpio
  • most aloof: pisces, gemini, sagittarius, aquarius, capricorn
  • most tenacious: TAURUS, pisces, aquarius, scorpio, virgo, leo, capricorn
  • most venturesome: sagittarius, leo, virgo, aquarius, gemini, aries
  • most hedonistic: taurus, scorpio, leo, libra, gemini, sagittarius, virgo, capricorn
  • most "hipster": CAPRICORN, PISCES, CANCER, scorpio, gemini, sagittarius
  • most comforting: cancer, pisces, libra, leo, virgo
  • most confident: leo, sagittarius, aries, gemini, capricorn, scorpio
  • most chill: sagittarius, taurus, libra, capricorn
  • most secretive: scorpio, taurus, cancer, capricorn, aquarius
The signs at the beach
  • Aries: but like... do we have to go? I don't think I can handle going out twice in one day
  • Taurus: as long as we bring a picnic or something I'm keen
  • Gemini: *swims... fuckkk it's cold... imma tough it out tho... yeah nah it's too cold.
  • Cancer: *pretends they know how to swim well but gets in over their head... literally, haha
  • Leo: guyssss be careful k? You're all so dumb honestly
  • Virgo: I'll save you!! *jumping in the water and showing off their amazing skills
  • Libra: cmon guys you're so slow, come enjoy the water
  • Scorpio: *stripping down to their bikini immediately... so... where are the boys?
  • Sagittarius: are you telling me I can't wear my sneakers in the sand? Watch me...
  • Capricorn: where are the paddle boards at tho?
  • Aquarius: *being extra in the water
  • Pisces: GUYS COME IN THE WATER!! *doesn't leave the water for like 2 hours straight
  • Aries: Nope nope nope nope nope.
  • Taurus: Oh my god how do I handle this.
  • Gemini: Probably their friend and now they're worried about making it awkward.
  • Cancer: I COULD talk to them... nah I'll just stare at them from afar and sigh.
  • Leo: I'M TELLING THEM!! I'M GOING FOR IT!! jk jk jk.
  • Virgo: Will hyperventilate when their crush asks them for a pencil or something.
  • Libra: Drops really obvious hints until they understand.
  • Scorpio: Hey, we should bang.
  • Sagittarius: I hate you so much. no wait. yeah I hate you stop being so... ugh.
  • Capricorn: Am I in love or are you just my super-ultra best friend??
  • Aquarius: They might not even like me... but... what. if. they. DO????
  • Pisces: Avoids them at all costs.
The Signs As Suburban Dads
  • Aries: John, Age 43. 4 kids. The dad that gets really competitive in neighborhood cooking/BBQ contests. Wears a lot of polo shirts, probably a DILF. Was really wild as a teenager and his wild side still probably shows through a lot.
  • Taurus: Thomas, Age 42. 3 kids. The dad that loves to spoil his kids and take them to lots of baseball games. Treats his daughter(s) like princesses and his son(s) like royalty. Loves going to neighborhood block parties, although always tends to drink a bit too much at them. Major DILF, has all his daughter's friends swooning.
  • Gemini: Ian, Age 45. 3 kids. Loves his kids and wife more than anything, is always trying to show off for them and please them. Goes to every single one of their kids' sports games and probably has coached at least 3 baseball teams.
  • Cancer: Brian, Age 41. 2 kids. A major stay-at-home dad. Is very smart and is always helping his kids with their homework. Wears a lot of hats and enjoys golfing any chance he gets. Probably really tall.
  • Leo: Steve, Age 45. 5+ kids. The typical BBQ dad. Loves throwing house/block parties, always tends to drink way too much at these. Loves his trophy wife, probably sells weed throughout the neighborhood.
  • Virgo: Nathan, Age 46. 1 kid. Is very quiet and reserved at parties, doesn't really like to socialize much. His favorite time of the week is family game night, where he gets super competitive. Loves cooking dinner for his family, makes the best meals ever.
  • Libra: Chuck, Age 47. 2 kids. Used to always smoke cigars, recently switched to vaping since it is way more 'hip'. Loves going out at night to bars and stuff with his wife, smokes a lot of weed and probably has a twitter, snapchat, instagram, and tumblr.
  • Scorpio: Chris, Age 41. 2 kids. Makes a lot of dad jokes, wears a lot of baseball hats. Is always making business calls on his blackberry, gets super into holidays and always makes it a competition to buy the best gifts. Volunteers at the school a lot. Hates his mother-in-law.
  • Sagittarius: Mark, Age 42. 4 kids. The "cool" dad. Is always trying to keep up with the new trends, always wants to take his kids hiking and to baseball games and just outside doing stuff. Is probably super tall, eats a LOT at dinner, major DILF.
  • Capricorn: Jeff, Age 46. 3 kids. Has a strong disliking towards the neighbors, is always traveling on business trips and stuff. His favorite day of the year is 'take your kid to work' day. Bought the biggest house he could find for his family. Has a really obnoxious mom.
  • Aquarius: Michael, Age 43. 2 kids. Watches a lot of sports, is always playing golf on the weekends and in his free-time. Secret stoner, sneaks out to the porch to sneak a quick joint way more often than he probably should. The "fun" dad, gets into fights at his kids' sports games and adores his wife more than anything.
  • Pisces: Tim, Age 44. 3 kids. The hot dad. All of his daughter's friends are so obviously in love with him. Has a trophy wife, loves drinking champagne and fancy drinks. Dresses in polo shirts and khakis, works a lot but always manages to make time for his family.
  • Aries: All right. Rock, paper, scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave.
  • Taurus: It's a Sunday. I don't move on Sundays.
  • Gemini: I'm glad we're having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
  • Cancer: I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.
  • Leo: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
  • Virgo: So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay, huh?
  • Libra: I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love.
  • Scorpio: You know, I think I don't care.
  • Sagittarius: Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
  • Capricorn: All right, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put career before men.
  • Aquarius: I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
  • Pisces: Couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Because I think, actually, mine's growing back.
The Signs Relationship With Kai



Gemini:Ex Girlfriend

Cancer:Secret Admirer


Virgo:Older Sister

Libra:First Love

Scorpio:Wine Aunt




Pisces:Best Friend

The signs as things my friend Maya has said to me
  • ARIES: Why is the wind trying to take my umbrella? It owns to me.
  • TAURUS: Fire plus water makes the fire go "what?"
  • GEMINI: Maybe Spongebob got emancipated.
  • CANCER: Did I say something? . . . I was worried I just said something really embarrassing.
  • LEO: Whoa, you can take that train back to the station.
  • VIRGO: My feet are screaming at me.
  • LIBRA: Have you completed this game to completion?
  • SCORPIO: What type of twattery?
  • SAGITTARIUS: Seesaweed.
  • CAPRICORN: The swamp - it gives you something what you have to know!
  • AQUARIUS: Do you even understand the concept of a llama?
  • PISCES: Sweaty man is where?
The signs as sleeping arrangements
  • Big spoon: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio
  • Little spoon: Aquarius, Gemini, Cancer, Sagittarius
  • Don't fucking touch me I'm trying to sleep: Capricorn, Aries, Leo, Libra