I got out of the shower to the sight of Sheba McEntire EATING FOOD OUT OF HER BOWL WITH HER HANDS. Briefly considered stopping my shower music and taking a picture & instead slowly crept to the door to get my son to actually witness it.
She looked over her shoulder as if to say, “bitch, I’m not doing it again….
Maybe cats are assholes because they remember all of their past lives. And they’ve all been worshiped in glorious places and done wonderful things. Now they’re stuck in apartments and houses, pooping in boxes and having cameras pointed at them incessantly for the amusements of a far lesser being.
I feel like life with Jacob or John and peaches would be really funny.
Like Jacob walking into the kitchen in the middle of the night for something to eat or drink and he turns the light on and there’s a whole ass cougar sitting on the counter and Jacobs like
“Peaches, get the fuck off the counter.”
And y'all know how cats are, they’re assholes. Big cats are no exception.
So Peaches would start meowing at Jacob and he’d be like “don’t sass me, get off the counter. I’m gonna count to three.” And you just wake up because you hear Jacob straight up arguing with a fucking cougar.
But with John, it would be totally different. I feel like he would be scared SHITLESS. Like he’d turn the light on and jump back once he seen Peaches chillin on the counter and he’d be like
“P-Peaches.. you… you know you’re not… not supposed to be on the counter.”
And Peaches, knowing John is scared shitless, would hiss at John and smack at him if he got closer and John would be like
“NOPE. DEPUTY. I CAN’T DO THIS. GET YOUR COUGAR OFF THE COUNTER.”
Warnings: Starts out angsty, with some arguing and
swearing, but mostly just a fluff piece with a happy ending.
Word Count: 1,583
Summary: A sad Tom doesn’t want you to go out of town for
work, which leads from an argument to a much bigger, more important question. Small
mention of jealous!Tom over Chris Evans.
A/N: Haven’t written in a while, but this little one-shot
popped into my head last night and I just had to bring it to life. :) Enjoy! (Not my gif, obviously)
You had found over the many years with Tom, that it was
never good when he was quiet. It meant that every gear in that beautiful head of
his was turning. Calculating. Drawing conclusions without merit.
In many ways, you noticed that he paralleled his infamous
character Loki. In that, he was calculated, measured, and observant. This was
one of those observant times.
So, it was no surprise to you that as you came into your
home and began shedding your jacket, Tom’s voice carried across the room barely
above a whisper, and cool beyond belief.
so @okieclover and I have an au in which a hero!Hitoshi and villain!Deku are dating each other without knowing the other’s affiliations for a while, and then it gets hilarious bc villain!Deku causes headaches and more work for his beloved hero
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
but they have some quiet nights/days when they put aside their hero/villain work and just chill in Hitoshi’s apartment, and when Aizawa comes for a visit he sometimes find them like this
Wait, wait, what do you mean he put Goop in the fridge??
So Goop is… Well. He belonged to a hoarder lady running an unlicensed rescue, then my old friend’s “friend” (idk the guy) adopted him from her as a kitten. He was always throwing parties and I guess thought it would be cool to have a party kitten. He gave him back to the lady after he “stopped being cute” and got bigger tho.
So my friend adopted him. She calls me sobbing because she’s had him .5 days and can’t keep him. “My dad said he was allergic but I didn’t think he was REALLY ALLERGIC!!”
I told her I did not want a goddamn cat!! No matter what! And don’t bring that cat over here cause I DON’T WANT A CAT.
So she brings the cat over and y’know now I own a cat. God damnit. It’s my personal theory that no one seeks out a cat, one day, you just obtain one. So I obtained Julian. AKA Dolce Gabbana (the name she gave him for .5 days). AKA I renamed him Kaiju cause Pacific Rim just came out and he ate the poster I had.
ANYWAYS. I had to learn a lot about cats. My dog knowledge is limitless but I probably spent 1,000 hours reading about cat language and slowly blinking at him. It took some adjustments.
BUT THEN HE STARTS JUMPING IN THE FRIDGE??? And I was pissed. “get out of the fridge you idiot!” He would not. So I closed the door. “that’ll learn him.” I open it back up and he’s doin’ just fine doesn’t fucking care at all. I bring it up to the friend who gave him to me thinking it was some weird ass cat shit cause cats make no sense.
“Oh hee hee, Greg used to keep him in the fridge all the time!! So he wouldn’t claw things. HE LOVES IT!”
This asshole stockholm syndromed my cat into thinking he’s fucking macaroni salad! Goddamn Cole Slaw!! A gallon of almond milk!!
Poor Kaiju. How did he get the name Goop? Well that’s an entirely different disgusting story.