Of course, as you and I both know, it is never a good idea to attempt to make important decisions at 3 AM, just as it is never a good idea to leave electrical appliances near water and it is never a good idea to try to drive a delivery truck with a blindfold over your eyes and both hands tied behind your back.
—  A fake Lemony Snicket quote I wrote the other night when I couldn’t sleep. So sue me.

The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I’m sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children’s woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.