asktheironinfidel

She opens her jaw and leans towards you like a shark, without thinking you jerk your head forward in a desperate headbutt. Last ditch, pathetic, all you have are the muscles in your neck. The angle was wrong. A sharp flower of pain blooms in your forehead and circuits behind your eyes up to the root of your damaged horn—and she doesn’t even let go.

By the time you’ve blinked your eyes open her breath is harsh in her throat, and she’s fisted her claws in your hair.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” she rasps.

“You’re going to kill me.” Your voice is tight, shaking.

Read the rest here at AO3

ooc: Happy Halloween! This little story is a collaboration a long time in the making. It is beautifully illustrated by the wonderful Anna (ask-the dolorosa), lovingly beta’d and midwived by Holly (askhisdisciple) and Ari (askthedevoteddisciple)–praise be unto them for their endless patience, support and inspiration–and written by yours truly. We hope you enjoy, and have a happy and safe Halloween!))

anonymous asked:

to the mod: you seem to work with asktheironinfidel a lot, are they your Dolorosa's official Signless? If so that's actually kind of cute.

All Signless Are Belong To Dolo

———————

(ooc) but in all seriousness asktheironinfidel’s mod and I met through our askblogs and I am so supremely lucky to now call her one of my best friends. We work together a lot because we talk a lot, and a not insignificant portion of what we talk about centers around Signless and Co. so we tend to collaborate on a lot of things.

I can’t say her signless is my official signless, because our headcannons and timelines do differ on several points, but considering the sheer number of headcannons and stories we have created together her signless is as close as any other blog is gonna get :3

((ILU Ash <333)))

2

You are the PRIEST OF BLOOD. Your job these days is to DISCERN the idiosyncrasies of COMPLICATED INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS between your  WARRING FACTIONS TEAMMATES and BIND them together with the CHAINS of this troll disease called FRIENDSHIP. The FORECAST for your continued immortality is looking pretty GRIM, because of your willingness to take HEROIC STUPID RISKS to get everyone out alive.

However, you find yourself spending a lot your time MEDIATING DRAMA in what often feels like a REALLY TERRIBLE ROMANTIC COMEDY.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ARE YOU KIDDING ME

WHAT THE ACTUAL OOZING GRUBFUCKING HELL. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME, IN LIGHT OF THE LAST THREE QUESTIONS OR SO AND MY EXTREMELY VIRULENT AND WELL-STATED RETICENCE TO MAKE HUGE FUCKING BLANKET STATEMENTS ABOUT ENTIRE GROUPS OF PEOPLE, TO MAKE A HUGE FUCKING BLANKET STATEMENT ABOUT A WHOLE RACE OF ALIENS I HAVE NEVER PERSONALLY, PHYSICALLY ENCOUNTERED? MY ONLY EXPOSURE TO HUMAN IS IN THE QUESTION ABOUT LIMEBLOODS—OR MAYBE IN SOME OF THESE OTHER QUESTIONS—I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, AND GUESS WHAT, I DON’T FUCKING CARE! AND THANKS ASSHOLE, YOU MADE ME USE A SHOUTPOLE. I HOPE YOU’RE FUCKING PLEASED WITH YOURSELF.

REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I’VE HEARD OF ALIENS THAT HAVE CLEAR, VISCOUS BLOOD BEFORE, OR STALK EYES AND UNIFORMLY GREENISH BLOOD. SO THAT ALIENS HAVE WEIRD ICHORS ISN’T THAT STUNNING A REVALATION TO ME.

I DON’T KNOW, THEY’RE FUCKING PEOPLE! THAT’S ALLL THAT MATTERS.  

I MEAN, I GUESS IT’S KIND OF A WEIRD COINCIDENCE THAT THIS SPEICES BLOOD IS LIKE MINE. MAKES ME FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD.

 BUT THAT’S MY OWN FAULT, AND I’M A GENETIC ABBERATION FROM MY SPECIES, AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HUMANS.

FUCK.

I—FUCK IT—THIS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? 

I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER ANSWERED THIS QUESTION FOR A STRANGER BEFORE. FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, I GUESS.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A NIGHTMARE AT FIRST. 

I FELT LIKE THE AIR IN THIS PLACE I COULD BARELY SEE WAS LIGHTER THAN THE AIR ON ALTERNIA OR SOMETHING. EVEN THOUGH I COULD BARELY MAKE OUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING, IT ALL FELT REALER THAN WHEN I WAS AWAKE.

I COULD HEAR THINGS. LIKE LAUGHTER, AND SINGING. BUT IT WAS WEIRDLY QUIET, AND THE LANGUAGE SOUNDED GARBLED. I COULDN’T MAKE OUT MUCH, BUT THE MAIN THING I REMEMBER NOTICING WAS TOUCH. PEOPLE WEREN’T FLINCHING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, EVEN WHEN THEY’D APPROACH THEM FROM BEHIND.

I’M NOT SURE IF I CAN CONVEY HOW BIG A DEAL THIS WAS–YOU DON’T JUST APPROACH PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY FROM BEHIND. AND YOU SURE AS FUCK DON’T TOUCH THEM, UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET YOUR OCULAR GLOBES TORN OUT.

AND THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING–SOMEONE BEHIND ME. BUT I WASN’T SCARED.  I FELT LIKE THEY WERE AN OLD FRIEND OR SOMETHING, AND THIS LUMP STARTED UP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER. BUT NO FEAR.

THERE WAS NO FEAR IN THIS PLACE.

THEY WERE WARM–NOT LIKE A GHOST WOULD BE. THEY HAD A HEARTBEAT. I COULDN’T TURN MY HEAD TO SEE THEM–I WAS FIXATED ON THE SCENE IN FRONT OF ME. IT WAS LIKE TURNING AWAY WOULD MAKE IT DISAPPEAR.

THEY TOLD ME SOMETHING…I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS, BUT I JUST STARTED TO–

I WAS FIVE SWEEPS OLD, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. 

ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I OUGHT TO FEEL SOMETHING PARTICULARLY SPECIAL ABOUT THIS?

SHE’S BEEN A RAINBOW DRINKER FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. FUCK, PLENTY OF PEOPLE HAVE RESTRICTED DIETS—FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND LOADS OF HUMANS HAVE SPECIAL INTOLERANCES TOWARDS CERTAIN FOODS. SAY YOUR PARENTAL UNIT OR FRIEND HAS SUCH AN INTOLERANCE. DO YOU GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT ALTERNATIVES THEY EAT INSTEAD TO KEEP THEMSELVES ALIVE AND HEALTHY?  

SHE DOESN’T DRINK FROM TROLLS THAT OFTEN ANYWAY, AND EVEN THEN IT’S ALMOST ALWAYS ONE OF US.

I GUESS IF I HAD TO GROPE AROUND FOR SOME WEIRD ASS CONFLICTED FEELING ABOUT IT, I’D HAVE TO SAY I WONDER WHY SHE DOESN’T TAKE BLOOD FROM ME WHEN SHE CAN HELP IT. AND BEFORE YOU ASK, NO, SHE’S NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO MY FACE ABOUT IT AND HER DIETARY HABITS AREN’T ACTUALLY A COMMON TOPIC OF CONVERSATION—FANCY FUCKING THAT.

WHATEVER. I SEE IT AS A WAY FOR ME TO GIVE BACK AT LEAST A FRACTION OF WHAT SHE’S DONE FOR ME, BUT I HAVE TO ASSUME HER ISSUE IS MORE NUANCED. SHE DOESN’T SEEM TO LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT MUCH.

OR MAYBE MY MUTANT BLOOD JUST TASTES REALLY SHITTY, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.  

  • Listen
Play

MY EARLIEST MEMORIES, IF WE’RE TALKING ABOUT COMMUNICATING VISUALLY, ARE LIKE ANYONE ELSE’S.

FUZZY AND FUCKING INDISTINCT.

BUT I DO REMEMBER HEARING THIS, THOUGH. 

((OOC: I probably won’t do this type of response often, but if you guys liked it–or hated it–please let me know so I’m making content you guys actually enjoy!))

MORE FIRST TIME QUESTIONS!

MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT PREACHING? 

DO YOU HAVE SOME VISION OF ME JUST SWAGGERING UP TO A PODIUM IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN SOMEWHERE AND BELTING OUT TO A CONVENIENTLY ASSEMBLED CROWD HOW TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER? AND THEM ACCEPTING THAT LIKE A FLOCK OF RETARDED WOOLBEASTS? 

ALLOW ME TO SHATTER THAT ASININE VISION WITH THE REALITY: I STARTED OFF MORE OR LESS MUMBLING AWKWARDLY TO MYSELF IN CROWDED MARKETPLACES WHILE PEOPLED JABBED ELBOWS BETWEEN MY RIBS AS THEY HURRIED PAST. 

ONE DAY, SOMEONE LISTENED. THEY DIDN'T NECESSARILY AGREE OR UNDERSTAND, BUT THEY LISTENED. ABOUT THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE SHOWED UP OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, SO I DECIDED TO SET A TIME AND A PLACE THE NEXT DAY JUST TO AVOID REPEATING MYSELF. I DIDN’T EXPECT MUCH.

SOMEHOW THOSE THREE PEOPLE MANAGED TO PROMPT AN UNGODLY FUCKTON OF CURIOUS ONLOOKERS. I NEARLY SHIT MYSELF, NEVER HAVING SEEN MORE THAN SIX PEOPLE GATHERED IN ANY ONE LOCATION FOR AN EVENT THAT WASN’T A GRUESOME PUBLIC EXECUTION, AND I BRIEFLY WONDERED IF THE SUBJUGGALATORS WERE ALREADY ON THEIR MERRY WAY AND THEY WERE JUST WAITING TO SEE A STUPID EIGHT-SWEEP OLD’S HEAD GET BASHED IN. BUT I MUST HAVE STARTED TALKING AT SOME POINT.

OVERALL, I’D HAVE TO SAY THAT IT COULD HAVE GONE A LOT WORSE. 

CURRENT MANAGEMENT OF ILLEGAL ENDEAVORS

WELL…TO BE HONEST, I DON’T. WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS FOR THEM TOO. I MEAN, THERE ARE PRECAUTIONS I HAVE TO TAKE, LIKE OCCASIONALLY TRAVELLING IN AND OUT OF TOWNS DURING THE DAY, BUT IT’S NOT AS SIMPLE AS ‘HIGHBLOODS ARE ENEMIES’ AND 'LOWBLOODS ARE ALLIES’. 

YOU SEEM TO BE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT ONLY HIGHBLOODS DON’T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. FUCKING NOT TRUE. I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID THAT LOWBLOODS HAVEN’T TRIED TO KILL ME BEFORE. ONE OF THE WORST INJURIES I EVER RECEIVED WAS DEALT TO ME BY A FUCKING MAROON-BLOOD. 

HIGHBLOODS AREN’T THE ONLY ONES COMFORTABLE WITH THE SHITTY WAY THINGS ARE NOW. 

AND GIVE THEM SOME FUCKING CREDIT, A LOT OF HIGHBLOODS HAVE BEEN MORE RECEPTIVE TO MY IDEAS THAN I WOULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED WHEN I FIRST STARTED THIS. AND FOR THEM TO EMBRACE ANY PART OF WHAT I SAY OR NOT RIPPING OUT MY BLOODPUSHER AFTER AN ENCOUNTER IS JUST AS DANGEROUS FOR THEM AS IT IS FOR LOWBLOODS.

BUT WORDS, EVEN IF YOU’RE WILLING TO RISK YOUR LIFE FOR THEM, ARE PRETTY FUCKING CHEAP ON ALTERNIA. AND SINCE MY LUSUS AND I ARE PRETTY GOOD WITH NEEDLES, WE’VE FOUND THAT SEWING UP WOUNDS AND THE LIKE HAS GOTTEN US AMNESTY OR AT THE VERY LEAST SILENCE WITH HIGHBLOODS WHERE WE MIGHT HAVE OTHERWISE HAD TO DEAL WITH A FUCKING CALL TO AUTHORITIES HIGHER ON THE PROVERBIAL TOTEM POLE THAN POLISLAYERS OR LEGISLACERATORS.

MEDICAL SCIENCE IS MORE THEORETICAL THAN ANYTHING AROUND HERE, YOU SEE, AND THE TROLL HIPPOCRATIC OATH EXPLICITLY ENDORSES REVENGE.

AND EVEN IF THEY DO COME TO CALL, CONSIDER FOR A MOMENT THAT I’VE BEEN A FUCKING FUGITIVE SINCE THE DAY I WRIGGLED OUT OF MY EGG. CONSIDER ALSO FOR A MOMENT THAT SINCE THEY DAY I WRIGGLED OUT OF MY EGG, I HAVE ALSO BEEN NOMADIC ON TOP OF BEING A FUCKING FUGITIVE. WE’RE VERY FUCKING GOOD AT HIDING.

SERIOUSLY, EVEN HIGHBLOODED MAYORS DON’T EXACTLY LIKE TO CALL DOWN LAUGHASSASINS AND SUBJUGGULATORS ON THEIR CITIES OR TOWNS IF THEY CAN POSSIBLY AVOID IT. BECAUSE THOSE FROTHING LUNATIC MURDERCLOWNS TEND TO TURN HIVE-CALLS INTO A FUCKING NIGHTMARE CIRCUS OF INDISCRIMINATE SLAUGHTER. ITS BAD FOR THEIR ECONOMIES, AND DEPENDING ON HOW WHIMSICAL THE AUTHORITIES ARE FEELING, THEIR IMMEDIATE MORTALITY.

HOWEVER, WHEN THEY ARE SUMMONED TO CULL OUR HERETIC ASSES, WE DO EMPLOY A STRATEGY. A STRATEGY SO REVOLUTIONARY AND COMPLEX IT MIGHT BLOW YOUR FUCKING THINKPAN.

OH WAIT, NO, THERE ARE ONLY A FEW WAYS TO DEAL WITH AN INSANE CLOWN POSSE HIGHER THAN GODDAMNED KITES ON BLOODLUST AND MURDERJOLLIES:

ABSCONDING THE FUCK OUT.

 WELL, THERE YOU HAVE MY CURRENT POLICIES. ALTHOUGH I DO ADMIT THAT WE’LL HAVE TO GET SNEAKIER FROM HERE ON OUT. WE HAD A CLOSE CALL A FEW PERIGREES AGO, AND…

FUCK, I’M RAMBLING. 

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

WHAT KIND OF INSIGHT CAN YOU POSSIBLY HOPE TO GAIN FROM THIS QUESTION.  I MEAN, IT’T NOT EVEN SPECIFIC. WHOSE BUTT? THE BUTTS OF THE PEOPLE IN MY IMMEDIATE VICINITY, MY FAMILY? MY FOLLOWERS? THE BUTTS OF ALL ALTERNIA?  ARE WE TALKING OBJEJCTIVELY OR SUBJECTIVELY? IF THE FORMER, WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I CAN EVEN ANSWER SUCH A QUERY. DO YOU THINK I HAVE IN MY HEAD SOME ABSTRACT IDEAL OF WHAT MAKES THE BEST BUTT? OR ANYONE? THAT WEIRD FUCKER IN THE CAVE WITH HIS SHADOWS MAYBE, BUT ME NOT SO MUCH. AND IF THE LATTER, WHY DO YOU EVEN GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT WHO I THINK HAS THE BEST BUTT?

THIS IS WEIRD, HOW MUCH TIME YOU THINK I EVEN SPEND THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE’S BUTTS.

TA: why diid you bother to an2wer thii2s que2tiion

TA: iif iit wa2nt on your miind at all

TA: that ball thing iis comiing up—

CG: SHUT YOUR FACE. THE ONLY BUTT I’M THINKING ABOUT IS MINE AND HOW TO COVER IT, BECAUSE I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I’M GOING TO WEAR TO THAT BALL THING.

TA: wow…ju2t…wow.

TA: you have no iidea how that sounded diid you

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. GOD. DON’T POST IT, I’M FIXING IT–

((TA has posted WHYTHEFUCKDOYOUCARE.doc to ASKTHEIRONINFIDEL))

CG: FUCK!

((OOC: Hey peeps. I’ve gotten several requests for this, so I thought I’d go ahead and make this song available for download (I was going to save it for Mother’s Day but I have a better idea now, bwahahaha). I’m actually shocked it got the reception from you guys that it did, and I’m glad to see that so many of you enjoy it. For those of you who are interested in my other musical dorky Homestuck shenanigans  I run a Harmonious Nepeta blog, but I also do songs for other characters occasionally as well.  Anyway, enough of my blather. Here you go. ^w^))