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How to Snag Potter

By Draco Malfoy


1. Midnight Rendezvous: Invite him to a duel and then bond over shared rule-breaking. Didn’t work because Weasley insisted on coming along. Reported them to Filch instead. 

2. Midnight Rendezvous, second attempt: Inspire gratitude by helping him deal with illegal dragon. Possible small talk about my name? Caught by McGonagall

3. Show off amazing Quidditch skills and really cool new broom. Nope. Granger said I bought my way onto the team (NOT TRUE) and I’m pretty sure Potter believed it. 

4. Send carefully composed and endearing Valentine (the only good thing Lockhart has ever done). I don’t think he liked it very much, despite the brilliant lyrics I composed. Ended up shifting blame onto the Girl Weasel. Fairly certain he doesn’t suspect.

5. Become gravely injured in order to appeal to his Savior Complex and inspire feelings of protectiveness. DO NOT ATTEMPT AGAIN. Was nearly murdered when I insulted that giant filthy chicken, and yet Potter decided that IT was the victim?! Unacceptable. I will not rest until that beast is put down.

6. A fun prank! He seems to enjoy stuff like this when the Weasley Twins do it, so I’m sure he will laugh. Learn to sew. It turns out that Potter has no sense of humor as well as very poor vision, because he nearly killed me with that damn Patronus Charm. Although I must admit, it is kind of hot that he can already do a Patronus.

7. Support him with Triwizard Tournament badges! Okay, this one was probably my fault. Pansy saw me experimenting with them and I changed the messages at the last minute. Why can’t he just realize that I don’t mean it?

8. Report Potter’s tragic story to the Prophet to increase sympathy and support. Exaggerate if it will get him more attention. I realize now that Potter does not like attention. Also Skeeter made out like Potter is in some sort of love triangle involving Granger, which is not even remotely acceptable. This was a mistake.

9. Show respect for his friends by composing an encouraging song in Weasley’s honor. Apparently making the title sound complimentary isn’t enough to negate other more insulting lyrics. Honestly this was doomed from the start because there is literally nothing good about the Weasel except his best friend.

10. Impress him with your status and power by leading the Inquisitorial Squad. Umbridge is an absolute menace and I am an idiot.

11. Make him jealous: Flirt excessively with Pansy. I don’t think he even noticed.

12. Show him your sensitive side by crying in the girls’ loo. Fuck.

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. 

13. Realize you’ve been a complete arse for your entire life. Regret everything. Do your best to become someone who does the right thing. Don’t identify Potter when asked. Stop cronies from killing him. Apologize sincerely after he gets you off at your trial. Invite him for dinner. 

14. Invite him for drinks. 

15. Buy him a birthday present. 

16. Kiss him. 

17. Go back to his flat. 

18. Refuse to leave his bed. This only works for so long.

19. Attempt to make him breakfast.

20. Come out to the Prophet together.

21. Date for three years.

22. Say “yes.”

anonymous asked:

omg! pandabubba's cronnies! NOW that I remember, there was a deleted scene in astoryboard video on youtube by Jeff Allen X (who worked on XS) were they had kind of a gay scene (onesided tho) they were flying in a wu and the bald one said "I really enjoy flying with you" and the other cringed. It was so funny! Sadly JeffAllenX left Youtube, I don't know if you guys ever get to see it.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

ARE U TELLING ME

THAT I WAS ACTUALLY SPOT-ON WHEN I THOUGHT OF THE SAX VERSION OF “CARELESS WHISPER” THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE SCENE

(who said it necessarily had to be one-sided tho (   ͡°  ͜ʖ  ͡°))

@ JEFFALLENX COME BACK WE NEED OUR AWKWARD MAFIA ROMANCE

wardyrose  asked:

I'm having a FB conversation with a libertarian about why I can't accept libertarian ideals. We got to the point where he claimed my criticisms aren't for capitalism, that some propaganda machine is telling me that society's ills are caused by this imposter system people call capitalism, that he wants the true pure capitalism ™, which would be the best thing ever. Waiting for him to respond to my question on wtf he'd call this, what we had in the past, and wtf that pure form would look like.

It’s ironic that he argues that propaganda is being used against capitalism to equate it with the imposter corporatist system, because “we have corporatism, not true capitalism” is itself very much a piece of bourgeois propaganda intended to keep people within the defined limits of political discourse while making them feel edgy and subversive – basically the Matrix fan theory that there were two layers to the Matrix, to get people who escaped the first layer to think they succeeded in challenging the machines’ authority, all while still remaining completely within the Matrix boundaries.

“True capitalism” inevitably sets up the conditions for “corporatism” to flourish. When you have a small class of elites controlling the larger productive capacities (something characteristic of both “true capitalism” and “corporatism”), they’ll inevitably mingle with the political process to shape policy to align with their interests. Private/public collusion has been relatively constant since capitalism’s not-so-humble beginnings. In this sense, right-wing libertarians are correct in that we’ve never had “true capitalism” – capitalism where the state does not interfere in the process – but they deliberately ignore how essential the state is for capitalism to function properly. “Big government” (minimum wages, corporate regulations, welfare) is the state desperately trying to reconcile capitalism despite the latter’s innate flaws and tensions. Without the implementation of some “big government” concessions, people would’ve called for complete overhaul of this system ages ago. Furthermore, private property rights over the collective means of production and the subordination of labor to capital are systemic qualities maintained through the state, which grants them legitimacy and a police force to crush protest and popular struggle against concentrated power.

You’re totally right, too – when called out on the capitalism/corporatism distinction, the argument shifts around to either “we once had it” or “we never had it”. If we once had it, it was the glorious days of the Founding Fathers™ where “small government” was the way (despite, ya know, the rampant imperialism and repression of anyone who wasn’t a property-owning white dude); in that case, right-wing libertarianism becomes an obvious case of reactionary propaganda. If we never had true capitalism, then it’s because the state has always interfered and we just need to “get it out of the way” or smash it – more realistic in its understanding that we’ve always had “corporatism” but less realistic in its understanding of history and the way capitalism actually functions. Either way, we have capitalism when it’s convenient for a narrative (when you’re using a computer, for example – “capitalism made that!”) and we have corporatism when it’s convenient for another narrative (when you’re demanding systemic change, for example – “we’ve never had capitalism so how can you oppose it?!”).

Tell him that leftists don’t seek out “big government” or top-down managing of the economy – both of those things are fundamental aspects of the capitalist epoch, the former being the band-aids and Elmer’s glue designed to hold this crumbling system together and the latter being the defining feature of capitalism (private/top-down ownership over the means of production). Tell him that traditional notions of ACTUAL “small government” came from socialists, specifically through libertarian Marxism and anarchism (which has consistently had an anti-capitalist foundation, until Murray Rothbard thought he could make a fine bit of propaganda in the form of “anarcho-capitalism”). Tell him that of the variety of ways social deliberation can be handled, autocracy (decision by one or a small subset) and democracy (decision by most or all) are the two broad umbrellas they all fall under, and capitalism relies on autocracy in pretty much all of the social deliberations that deal with power, influence, and access to resources – in other words, concentrated power and “big government”.

I used to be a “we never had true capitalism” right-libertarian so I understand where he’s coming from, but the sooner he understands how fundamentally propagandistic it all is, the closer he’ll get to embracing genuinely anti-authoritarian ideas.