ashamed of myself but still fangirling


An apartment I worked on for a thing I’m working on because I am perpetually working on things but never actually finish the things even though I post stuff like this to hold myself accountable but I still won’t finish because I have no shame and am lazy and won’t finish the things anytime soon… Did I use too much green? I kinda feel like there is too much green. How do you decorate? I am no good at this. Is there such a thing as too much clutter? 


I touch my chest. “Trust me, I know. I’m a sexpert.” I never thought I’d be able to say that without blushing or feeling ashamed. I bite my gums to keep from smiling. I’m proud of myself, and it’s a weird thing to be. I revel in this triumph. I’m nearing the last stretch of a long bumpy road, bruised from falling, but still running. It feels good.

( 08 / 01 ) - to this part-time superhero and part-time fairy who not only inspired me but also made me laugh with her goofiness and fangirl moments, made me cry as she fought her battles and won them, made me proud when she finally believed in herself and realized that she’s strong. lily calloway, you made me love you in ways i never expected. you really have superpowers and you’re truly magical. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILY.
Regarding “Trash”

I’ve been in fandom for a very long time. Over half my life, and going on two decades. I’ve seen a lot of fandom fads and terms and expressions come and go in that time, and none of them - none of them - bother me as much as the idea that people in various fandoms or shipping various characters are “trash”.

I’ve been trying to put into words why it bothers me so much. Others have written up beautifully articulated posts about the same thing, but it doesn’t quite capture what makes it so personal for me. Why when I see someone using it, I literally cringe and have to look away from my computer screen until I can stop clenching my teeth.

The thing is, for me, I spent a long time thinking I was trash, and not in the fun, “Oooh, I love this character so much!” way. When I was in my early-to-mid-20s, my life was going nowhere fast, I was depressed more often that not, and the only thing that allowed me an escape or a reason to smile were my various fandoms, which often felt like something I should be ashamed of. It took years - years - to get over that feeling, to understand that it was okay to have addictions to movies or TV shows, that it was okay to love them as much as I did.

Sometimes I still struggle with this, although my fangirl tendencies have allowed me to do more and see more and meet more people than I ever imagined I could, and that’s something I hold onto whenever those thoughts start creeping back in.

Because I will never again allow myself to be ashamed of it. I will never again allow myself to think that I’m garbage because of who I am or I things I love.

And I will never respect people for using that term, because it is not cute, it is not hip, and it is not okay for people who might be out there thinking the way I used to to see their thoughts verified by people they may like or respect.

I’m posting this now because I’ve recently unfollowed some people - good friends included - who use this term a lot. Please understand, I still love you, I just can’t see that word pop up on my dashboard or my timeline so often. It makes me feel sick, and I won’t do that to myself.

I hope you understand.

This has been your unscheduled PSA. Thanks for listening, and please return to fun things now. ❤