ash man

10

I present to you: My attempt at a fandom shitpost to end all fandom shitposts.

Thanks to @crystalitar and @thegreyturtle for letting me borrow their icons to make it look more authentic

(Un)worthy

Based on this post. ( @clementinecastiel @theironfam here you go!)


Tony was dying.

Okay no, that was dangerous phrasing, he was not dying – not anymore at least – and those kind of thoughts should be shoved into the scarce parts of his brain that didn’t work. But he was absolutely, pissing tired.

Pulling all-nighters of at least 72 hours of no sleep and bare minimum of food was starting to be a bad idea (somewhere in the back of his mind he heard a voice – ‘Starting to?’ – which sounded suspiciously like Pepper) and Tony was hit with the friendly reminder that he was very much human and on the wrong side of forty.

“A few steps to the left, boss. That’s a wall, not the kitchen. To the right. That’s a painting.”

Thanks, Fri. He would’ve said it aloud, but blurry edges on his sight combined with a notoriously LSD-like color burst, dizziness and muffled hearing kind of hindered his ability to speak at the moment. Coffee. God I need coffee, bowls of it – no, bathtubs of it.

With Friday’s aid, Tony stumbled into the common area and headed for the kitchen. He vaguely registered some murmur, indicating some of his team – yeah right, team – was present. Probably catching up with dear ol’ God of Thunder, who had finally decided to show up for the fiasco that was Civil War and its aftermath, and Banner. Who Tony still had yet to talk to, but felt as if he would only turn another team – ha, team – member against him.

You know, for trying to do things right and failing. Again.

“Mr. Stark! That’s the rice cooker. The coffee maker is to the left!”

Peter’s voice sounded a little less farther away than the others, but still muffled. Tony guessed he was on his favorite bar stool wearing the Spider-Man mask. Not unusual, his identity was a secret to everyone but him of all the Avengers. Wonder how Captain Freezerburn would react if he knew he had fought a 15 year old kid, Tony thought, even though he himself was still wary of Peter’s contribution to the superhero troop.

“Bless you, kid,” he mumbled in response, because despite everything, this spider kid was the one good thing in his life. He still didn’t know how the fuck that worked out, but.

He moved, barely catching Peter’s, “Oh careful, that’s—!” as he took in the splotchy eye-to-brain input of something square and metallic, picked it up and placed it out of the way – were he less zombie-like he’d have heard the heavy tinny sound it made – and made it to the coffee machine. He couldn’t help the noise of triumph when he managed to punch the right button and the mug filled halfway, dripping coffee everywhere in his haste to bring it to his mouth.

Sweet, sweet coffee. He could actually feel the world shift around him now that he had the power of caffeine.

“Ah, that’s the stuff, thanks kiddo. By the way, what the hell are you doing here? Don’t you have school? Are you skipping school again? I vividly recall us having this talk, Web-head,” he said, blinking the world back into clear sight. “Or do I have to call Aunt—what? Do I have something on my face?”

Peter’s eyes – well, the animated specs on his mask – were wide in a gobsmacked expression, mouth clearly open behind the mask. Was he impressed by the coffee? Kid was pretty excitable and Tony just downed the whole mug in one go.

But the others in the room were openly staring at him too, most of them with a similar expression of astonishment, and they’d seen him do that twice in a row, so that made no sense. He felt exposed for some reason, uneasy at the now acknowledged presence of Team Cap, Natasha and Thor in the room.

Uh…

“What?” 

What did I do now?

Barton’s plate of pancakes went tumbling to the floor, shattering into pieces right next to Barnes, but the ex-assassin didn’t even flinch, eyes glued to Tony like he had just discovered the secret behind the creation of their universe on his face.

“Tony…?” Rogers breathed, but Tony obviously wasn’t going to look, not at him, so he just turned to Peter with his best what-the-fuck face.

At clear loss for words, he pointed at his left hand. What? Tony hadn’t even realized he was holding something there. Frowning, he glanced down.

Oh.

Oh.

OH.

The Mjölnir. Tony had picked up Thor’s hammer. To move it aside. For coffee. Like it was nothing.

“WHAT?!”

Well.

OKAY BUT

Every time I watch this moment I get super annoyed by the laws of gravity here LIKE??? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO ME????? 8U

MAHIRU IS JUST HOLDING SAKUYA BY THE JACKET. AND HE SHOULDN’T DANGLE THERE LIKE THAT????? HOLDING HIM BY THE SHIRT MIGHT MAKE MORE SENSE?? BUT THE JACKET???? I FEEL LIKE THIS WOULD JUST HAPPEN INSTEAD?!?!?

MAHI YOU HAD ONE JOB. im so sorry everyone

It’s okay, Saku’s a vamp. He’ll live, I hope. 0v0;;

The only logical explanation I could think of btw:

0v0

this has been a daily dose of crack bai

Great comet, renamed
  • Prologue: hi we're the characters
  • Pierre: Sad Man is Sad (tm)
  • Moscow: Everyone is a little afraid of Marya.mp3
  • The Private and Intimate Life of the House: The In-Laws are messed up
  • Natasha & Bolkonskys: The In-Laws Suck ft. Harmonies from Hell
  • No One Else: I Love Andrey.mp3
  • The Opera: Holy Fuck Gelsey Bell
  • Natasha and Anatole: Say No To This
  • The Duel: Pierre's Plot Point
  • Dust and Ashes: Sad Man is no Longer So Sad But is Still a Little Sad (tm)
  • Sunday Morning: CHURCH.mp3
  • Charming: nineteenth century gay
  • The Ball: Natasha No
  • Letters: Sad Man, Confused Girl, Lesbian, and Thot write letters
  • Sonya and Natasha: Natasha PLEASE
  • Sonya Alone: Sonya Has Sense.mp3
  • Preparations: Anatole Your Thought Process
  • Balaga: this musical is depressing so here's a character who drives recklessly
  • The Abduction: Thot Detected
  • In My House: Everyone Is Afraid of Marya.mp3
  • A Call To Pierre: Thotslayer Summoned
  • Find Anatole: Thot Patrol
  • Pierre and Anatole: Begone Thot ft. PETERSBURG
  • Natasha Very Ill: Look What You Did Anatole
  • Pierre and Andrey: Great Googly Moogly It's All Gone Wrong
  • Pierre and Natasha: You're Sad Well I Love You Don't Be Sad
  • The Great Comet of 1812: Sad Man Is Officially No Longer Sad (tm)

Rise and shine, Mister Freeman. Rise and… shine. Not that I… wish to imply you have been sleeping on the job. No one is more deserving of a rest, and all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until… well, let’s just say your hour has… come again. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. So, wake up, Mister Freeman. Wake up and… smell the ashes…

Hello all! Man, am I happy with out this came out! My friend and I were talking about the jacksepticeye-protection-squad and how all of the boys are beans. Then I came up with an idea.

What if there was an assassin Jack?

We talked back and forth on it, and we both really like the idea. We’ve even gotten a name for him and everything!

Ash the assassin.
Probably the worst assassin you’ll ever see. Clumsy little guy. Falls on his face just by walking while other assassins can leap from rooftop to rooftop and shit. Bright green colors. That really gets rid of the whole point of being sneaky. Loud as fuck. Usually by falling or screaming. A little septic eye follows him around everywhere. He can’t get his damn work done >:00

This took me about an hour or more, but I am so happy with how it turned out!
@therealjacksepticeye