I am an 18 year old female, and I think I’m a hetero-romantic grey-ace, but I’m not sure. This is what’s been on my mind:
At age 4 I distinctly remember asking my grandma if there was a way of having a baby without sex, and she told me with a chuckle that most people want it the other way around, and I didn’t understand that concept.
At age 9 I had a crush on 2 different boys in my class, but instead of fantasising about kissing either of them, I thought about being a boy kissing this girl from school. I didn’t think that was weird.
At age 11, after I moved schools, I liked another boy, and I became curious about sex, but at the same time as thinking about him that way, I was disgusted by it. Then one day I realised, “this is not what I want, we are just kids. We’re just kids!” And I never wanted sex with that boy again.
Then when I went to high school, I don’t remember anything traumatic happening but I was terrified of anything to do with sex, e.g. dick'n'balls graffitied onto the back of bathroom doors; anyone mentioning breasts; nudity, especially my own (even while bathing with nobody there and the lights off); and I became a proud prude, clothing wise - low necklines made me physically uncomfortable.
At age 13-14, I found myself struggling with a persistent invasive thought that told me I liked this woman who was probably twice my age. This brought up the once-innocent, now-confusing memory from when I was 9. But that same awesome grandma I mentioned before helped me come to the conclusion that I wasn’t bisexual because I didn’t like her in a sexual way.
I continued to have crushes on guys who were too old for me. Sometimes I got hormonal and secretly thought about having sex with them, but it still disgusted me simultaneously, and usually I didn’t want to. I also NEVER EVER wanted to do it in real life. I continually promised myself that I would never have sex, because the thought of it made me feel violated and repulsed.
At age 16 I had an 18 year old boyfriend. It didn’t work out (cos I was basically still in love with someone else who didn’t feel the same way). We kissed and I felt really uncomfortable and I didn’t feel anything positive. He broke up with me after 7 weeks because the relationship was “missing something. like excitement maybe”. No regrets, but I’m glad it’s over.
But because he was the only person I’ve ever kissed, I don’t know what it’s like to kiss a person I like/love that way. And I want to find out. However, nobody I have liked that way has ever liked me back that way. With past unreciprocated crushes I’ve felt sure that it would be different [from my experience with boyfriend] if I were to kiss them [unrequited crush], but now I’m considering asexuality, I’m not sure if it’d be any different with someone I have strong romantic feelings for.
Now I’ve also been worrying that I might not be asexual after all, or that my sexuality may change over time, so say when I’m 25 I might want to have sex and I might actually act on it. And the thought of that sickens me. It’s like when I was younger I never admitted to crying or making mistakes, but now, being mature, I do; but even then, the voice in my head telling me that I shouldn’t admit those things is still there, locked in a cage. My mind controls my body, and it is my older mind that locked my past values in that cage. I’m worried that that will happen with my asexuality. I don’t want to have sex, and I don’t want to WANT it, if you understand what I mean!
My sister is demisexual, and she was the one who told me I might be ace, so I thought she was the only one who understood and was on my side about it, but now even she is telling me that I’m just inexperienced and I might change my mind. I really don’t want her and literally everyone else I've told, to be right.
So I’m reaching out to tumblr in the hope that ANYONE ELSE?? feels this way? or understands where I’m coming from? without telling me I’m just straight and I’m gonna do it one day?
Admin, if you have any advice, add it on the end please? (I don’t know if you can do that with these types of post; I’m still new to tumblr.) Also if you can, please tag it #apvpcpmp so I can track the post when I log back in? Thank you :)
Admin: Hi! I will write you a proper response later this weekend :) I’m busy over the next few days but I promise to reply. I will tag it for you when I do - Ninny