Tips for coming out as asexual, Queenie edition

So apparently people are under the impression that I am some kind of coming out guru.  I’m not.  But it’s nice of you to think I am, I guess!  But, anyway, I keep getting asks about tips for coming out, so I figured I’d drop them here, just in case people want to take advantage of my not-guru-ish powers.

Standard disclaimer: I am not a coming out guru.  I am actually pretty awkward at it a lot of the time.  These are problems/responses I’ve specifically run into when coming out, and ways I’ve come up with to make the process smoother. These are tips specifically for people who are coming out as asexual, but I think some of them could probably be adapted to coming out in general.

Also, I’ve written a bit about coming out before here and here.

Anyway, tips for coming out as asexual, Queenie edition!  (This is huge, because I am incapable of writing anything concise.)

Don’t submit your orientation for approval.

This is mostly a question of how you come out.  Don’t apologize.  Don’t say you might maybe be kind of asexual-ish.  (If you are unsure, that’s totally okay!  Personally, I wouldn’t recommend coming out as questioning to people who are unlikely to respect that.  However, if you’re portraying yourself as questioning because it seems like a safer bet than saying, “I’m asexual and I know it in my BONES,” take a second to figure out why you feel that way.  Are you wanting to phrase it that way because it seems less aggressive?  Are you afraid that people will take it badly?)

Generally straight forward works best.  "Just so you know, I’m asexual.“  Hey, that wasn’t too bad!  If you don’t make a big deal out of it–and don’t give any impression that you’re looking for approval–people will be less likely to give you trouble for it.  If you say, "Gosh, I dunno, I might maybe be asexual, but I’m not really sure.  I’m sorry,” people will tend to start whipping out the “maybe you’re just confused” cards.

If you’re nervous, do a practice run.

I did this all the time when I was first coming out to people.  It sounds pretty silly, but sometimes it helps to just sit down and tell your teddy bear (or tea mug or pillow or other convenient object), “Hey, just so you know, I’m asexual.”  When you’re faced with an actual human being, saying that simple sentence can seem as difficult as reciting a Shakespearean sonnet while wrestling a crocodile, but if you remember that it’s just a single sentence that you’ve said before (and not died from saying!), that makes it a little bit easier.

Better yet, if you have a friend you trust (who you’re already out to) and you’re planning on doing Asexuality 101 when you come out to people, practice with your friend!  Get them to throw the most weird, awful questions at you possible, and if you can answer them with grace and poise (or at least without faceplanting everywhere), you’ll almost certainly do okay when you’re actually coming out.

Keep reading

Sooooooo I don’t like soap boxing. I don’t like sharing super personal information about myself on social mediums, but I feel like this is moderately important. Mostly because keeping it to myself and going on like I’m ok has been destroying my psyche. So here goes. 

A few weeks or month(s) (depending on when I have the courage to post this) back I went up to the cities, to a rather popular club with some friends. While there I drank a ton, more than I should have and went to a back bar with some people that in my state I should have avoided like the plague. While there they got rather handsy with me and while none of them were anyone I found attractive, (asexual) my body under the influence was responding to the situation as one would expect it would to stimuli. Over the course of my previous relationships I learned a few things. 1. Making out is something I enjoy a great deal. 2. Cuddling is 100% ok in my book. Which is how everything started out. And I was fine with it. How ever this group of people started getting a lot more aggressive towards me, and I stopped being into it once someone had there hands down my pants with out my consent. Again though my body reacted to the situation as one would expect, however I kept saying no, but they kept trying to convince me to go further. Kept urging me to take my pants off, reaching for my belt. Being a weak and timid individual like I am eventually I just took them off my self because they wouldn’t of been able to take off my singlet if they tried, and I hoped once they got what they wanted they’d let me leave.  And I was able to get away and join my other friends. We promptly left the bar and had what was one of the most intense drives home I thank god my friend Charlie was there to help me, out with driving back as I wasn’t in a state too. I’ve ever had the displeasure of having to go through. 

After telling my father what I went through he brought me (in a rage) to the cities a few days later to file a report with the police, They listened to my story, and while they were sympathetic, they stated with no physical evidence, and given the fact that it was to busy in the bar for anyone to be able to confirm my story or deny it would of become case of “he said he said.” so they can’t really go any further. I didn’t even bother to list names though I still have them. But it was never even super important to me to have them locked up or punished severely. Karma works it’s own wonders. I just wanted this ordeal to be over and done. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

To be honest I’m actually mostly over the physical stuff anyway.

What truly fucked me up, out of everything was the blatant disrespect they had for me and my sexuality. The things they said…

they were disgusting insulting things. 

It was more than rude it was damaging, to my psyche and made me feel disgusted with not only them but myself as well.

Their words and taunts made me sick. I couldn’t look at myself, and they ruined my night, week, and the weeks that followed. Echoing in my head like the taunts of playground bullies.

I want to set the record straight. 

Asexuals are capable of having sex. It’s nothing all of us are completely against. Some of us still do it, some of us eat cake instead, the point is we can still do it. The definition of Homosexuality is someone who finds the same gender sexually attractive, Heterosexuals find the opposite sex attractive. An Asexual finds finds very few people to no one sexually attractive. It’s really that simple. Because of this lack of sexual attraction to other genders it typically isn’t often we engage in sexual intercourse of any kind. However this doesn’t mean we are celibate by any means. Asexuals still have labidos for the most part, and everything down stairs still works.  (I've FOUND that through getting to know a person better, I have been able to see them as sexually attractive, but these have been people I’ve spent time talking to and getting to know, people I trust deeply.)

As many will probably tell you, you don’t need to find some one sexually attractive to have sex with them, it helps I’m sure but it isn’t a necessity. For me I have had one consensual sexual partner who, though I can admit was a handsome person, was no one I found to be anymore sexually attractive to me than a rock. And though what we did was pleasurable and I got off, he couldn’t get me completely up, it lasted two hours and I got bored.

Asexuality has it’s spectrum, just like homosexuality, bi sexuality, and heterosexuality. An asexual can still preform sexual acts. An asexual can still post the videos, and photos I do because they don't contradict the definition of an asexual. It doesn’t mean I’m specifically asking for a sexual partner, it doesn’t mean I want SEX, and it doesn’t mean I’m SEXUALLY REPRESSED, nor does it contradict those statements. I post the videos because I’m drunk half the time and I think they are funny as hell. I post the pictures that I do because you guys seem to love them, and though myself confidence was, and still is moderately high, I’d be lying id i said that your kind words to me didn’t warm me, and make me feel just as good about myself as i did when I took those pictures.  And I thank you all for you’re kind words.

It took me a long time to discover what my sexual orientation was, and an even longer time to become ok with it. It meant a lot to me. Sexual attraction is something I struggled with since I was first learning about sex in the 5th grade. They told us how we’d start noticing things, like romantic feelings, and sexual attraction, and thought romance is something I had felt for my best friend, a sexual attraction was never something that came up. It wasn’t until high school (after my first suicide attempt) that I noticed something was wrong. I had developed feelings for my best friend, and though I loved him a great deal, so much so that I’d have done anything to spend the rest of my life with him, there was no sexual attraction to him what so ever. These sort of problems persisted for the next few years I noticed I only ever developed this attraction to men making me believe I was gay, but still very rarely felt sexually attracted to them, whenever sex would come up we’d get close to actually fucking but than I’d make an excuse to bail, because I didn’t get wood at all, at first I thought i wasn’t able to get it up, but a trip to the doctor assured me I wasn’t suffering from ED at an early age.

But still these problems plagued me, It wasn’t until I met my last boyfriend, that I even knew what asexuality was.nor did i really believe such a thing could exist, but actually, after 4-6 of the most amazing months I had with him, (before we broke up, over the way he was treating me like a child, and the fact that I didn’t think I could truly make him happy.) I learned so much about asexuality, it all made sense to me, and for the first time in years, I felt comfortable, truly and unbelievable comfortable in my own body again. My asexuality finally was an accepted part of my identity. I took as much pride in myself as anyone else did, My asexuality was just as important to me as anyone else’s. Especially after the hardships I endured to find it. 

Yet in under an hour, 3 strangers took all of that away from me. I spent the weeks that followed waking up every 20 minutes because I would have a nightmare, it wasn’t until Christmas I got my first full nights sleep (because I drank myself into a coma) and even now, I have rarely been able to sleep well and keep myself awake on Tumblr, so that I dont have to deal with the night terrors. Hearing their words echoing through my head, their laughter, the ridicule at my expense. I’m over the sexual acts part of the night, bottom line I consented, I took back my consent, they tried harder, they let me go. open shut. I’m moving on because they are people I never want to seen nor will I ever see again.

Honestly I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking to start a crusade, I’m not even looking for justice or vengeance. i want people to become more educated about asexuality so no one ever has to question their own identities ever again. If you have a friend who is ace or ace questioning don’t mock them, don’t pity them, don’t convince them them they are wrong. Don’t call them confused or sexually repressed. If anything help them, reassure them, be a comfort and a friend to them. Listen to what they have to say, especially if they come forward to you about there orientation and what they are OK with and not OK with. Trust is important to all friendships and Important for them in such a time of confusion and mystery. Just be there for them. I’ve lost so many important friends over this. I’d hate to see it happen to any of you.

Navigating adolescence as an asexual

This month’s Carnival of Aces is about the intersections between asexuality and age/ageism.  (You can read the submission post here!  And you can read all the posts for the carnival here!)  Since I can’t really address the older end of the age spectrum (yet), I thought I’d take a moment to talk about the difficulties of going through puberty/adolescence as an asexual, and why it is that so many aces only realize/accept that they’re asexual once they’re in their late teens or early twenties (and sometimes even later).  

I was actually talking to one of my friends (who is openly gay) about this exact topic a couple of months ago.  I mentioned that I realized I was asexual much later than my other LGBTQ+ friends, most of whom came out between the ages of 13 and 16.  He said that he also knew a lot of kids who came out in high school (he was included among the bunch), and then added, “It seems like it’s not uncommon for asexual people to realize they’re asexual pretty late.  At least, my other asexual friend didn’t start identifying as asexual until college.”

Of course, that got me thinking.  Why is it that so many aces take so long to realize/accept that they are ace?  Is it just a lack of education?  (That was certainly a contributing factor, in my case.)  Or are there social expectations that stop people from identifying as asexual?  (Those were also contributing factors!)  After a lot of thinking, I came up with four reasons that it takes a really long time for some aces (myself included) to realize/accept that they are asexual: the “coming out window,” fear of coming out as the “wrong” orientation, education and visibility, and the “late bloomer” excuse.

Keep reading

On the Stigma of Asexuality/Asexuality as "Illness"

Anonymous asked: Hi. Umm … So a lot people have recently been telling me things like, “Oh, asexuality is a mental disorder, you need help,” and, “It’s hormonal/a brain tumour / something horrific.” I know it’s not, but - I don’t know, that attitude’s all I’ve heard recently, and it really frightens me because how would I know? Sorry to bother you with this; I just feel kind of lost, and some reassurance would be really nice right now. I didn’t know where to turn other than the internet … I hope you don’t mind!

My dearest darlingest anon,

You are NOT bothering me at all and I do not in ANY universe mind! The reason I started this blog was to help people who are feeling lost since I myself have been there.

My answer may be kinda long, but since you came to me so sweetly and trustingly looking for help, I wanted to do your request justice and be as thorough as I could :) I hope you don’t mind!

In no universe am I qualified to diagnose people, but I DO have a degree in Psychology, was a member of the national honors club in that field (PsiChi) and graduated cum laude, so I do know what I’m talking about when I say I know the history of mental disorders.

Most diagnoses are made based on the APA (American Psychiatric Association)’s DSM, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The first edition was published in 1952.

It listed homosexuality as a sociopathic personality disturbance.

This diagnosis was not removed until 1974.

Unfortunately, there are still some people today who view homosexuality as a sickness. But those people are few and far between. Nowadays, most people accept homosexuality as an inherent part of one’s being and as something that people cannot control. It is not a lifestyle. It is not an illness. It is part of one’s identity. There are television shows, movies, musicals, books all featuring homosexual main characters.

They are not depicted as mentally ill.

You are not mentally ill. Can a lack of libido/sexual drive be a symptom of an illness or a side-effect thereof? Absolutely. Does it have to be? Not at all. It is mostly indicative of a problem when someone with a high libido suddenly feels a sharp decline, which could be a sign of a mental/physical problem. This is probably what people are thinking of when you tell them.

But just glimpsing from the limited information you have given me, this does not sound like you. You are not saying that you feel listless or that your libido is dwindling or that you are lethargic.

You are saying that you are asexual.

You don’t feel asexual.

You are asexual.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not alone. The world is still slowly adjusting to the idea that asexuality might just be completely okay, and just one of many complex identities belonging to the glorious and infinitely complex creatures known as humans. Being asexual doesn’t mean you’re missing out on one of the “key experiences of being human” or that it’s “something horrific.” It makes you more human. Because as humans, we have the ability to define ourselves, to use introspection to find out more about who we’re meant to be. By saying that you have the ability to look at what you want and need and put a name to it, even if that’s only the name that makes sense for now, even if it changes later, you are actually helping yourself on the way to self-actualization. You are looking at who you are and you are making discoveries and you are being brave enough to share those discoveries with others. Maybe they don’t understand. Maybe they don’t react the way you’d wish they would. But you tried. And you shared a little piece of your soul. And that is very brave and very beautiful.

I think some people feel sad for asexuals because they feel like they won’t be “complete.” But I think these people confuse sex with love. Life would be very, very sad without love. But I bet you don’t live a life without love. Even if you’re asexual and aromantic, I bet there’s love in your life.

Maybe you love your family. Maybe it’s not even your biological family, but the family of friends you’ve made over the years. Maybe you love your pets. Maybe you love your teachers. Maybe you love the characters from Harry Potter or Doctor Who or freaking Gossip Girl.

Maybe you love to paint. Maybe you love to write. Maybe you love to sit at home in your pajamas, watching mindless TV and eating nutella out of a jar while listening to rain outside on a summer afternoon.

I know I do :)

TL; DR - You are not mentally ill. It is not something horrific. It is a sexual orientation. Nothing less, nothing more. You are beautiful, you are perfect, you are always welcome to talk to me. I really hope you’ll drop me a line and let me know what you thought of my response - I’d like to know if I was able to be comforting in any way so I can better help people in the future.

If any other brave explorers read this, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts as well. Anyone else wanna chime in for this lovely AnonyMouse?

Asexuality is not a disorder

Many people seem to think that asexuality is just hypoactive sexual desire disorder, and while in some cases this may be true, many studies have shown this not to be the case, and say that if someone identifies as asexual, then a diagnosis of this type of disorder should not be made. Below are links to various studies and writings involving asexuality. If anyone would like to add more, please do so.

Asexual Awareness Week 2015 dates!

Dates for Asexual Awareness Week 2015 have been announced! AAW 2015 will take place from the 19th-25th of October, so let’s start getting ready!

I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem afraid to ask honest questions about asexuality for fear of being offensive, so I just want to say this here:

  • Questions asked from a place of honestly trying to educate yourself are not offensive.
  • If you ever have questions about asexuality, feel free to ask.
  • No one expects you to automatically know all about asexuality. We’re 1% of the population.
  • Seriously feel free to ask and I’ll do my best to answer as openly as I can.
AVEN has released a statement regarding 'A is for Ally'

LGBT rights organisation GLAAD’s recent campaign, entitled “Got Your Back”, promoting allyship, has garnered much attention in regards to its tagline “A is for Ally”. The AVEN board of directors and project team would like to share the following statement:

A is for Asexuals, Aromantics, Agender people… and for Allies

GLAAD, an internationally renowned LGBT rights organization, created a campaign called “Got your back” with the tagline “A is for Allies”. At AVEN we hugely value the role that allies play in our community and in the wider LGBTQ+ movement. However, “A” stands for Asexual, Aromantic and Agender people as well as Allies.

The phrase “A is for Allies”, used in isolation, conjures memories of marginalization and exclusion from LGBTQ+ groups for many asexual, aromantic and agender people, for whom invisibility and erasure are still huge problems.

We applaud the many activists who brought this issue to wider attention. We also applaud GLAAD for revising their campaign accordingly and acknowledging asexual, aromantic and agender people, and the issues they face. GLAAD illustrated the allyship that they celebrate as an organization by correcting their honest mistake and taking a firm stance on the inclusion of agender, aromantic, and asexual people in the LGBTQ+ community.

We hope to work closely with GLAAD in the future, both to ensure better representation of asexuality, aromanticism and agender identities in popular culture, and to act as good allies ourselves for the wider LGBTQ+ movement.

For more information, visit, or write to for general information and for media requests.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to explain my sex-positive asexuality.

So sex to me is like playing video games. And it means about as much to me as playing video games does.

Video games can be fun, but there are other things I like too. I love dancing and singing and knitting and soccer, so I don’t need to play video games to be happy. I have a lot of other things I enjoy doing, and I could go a really long time without playing video games and it really wouldn’t bother me at all. Video games can be fun, but they’re not necessary for me to be happy.

You can play video games by yourself and still have fun, you don’t really need a partner, and usually it’s less of a hassle just to play alone.

If you have the right partner, sometimes it’s more fun to play video games with someone you enjoy spending time with, especially if they’re good with teamwork. But video games aren’t fun with two players if the other player gets easily frustrated or is uncooperative. In that case it’s better to play by yourself. No skin off my bones.

And I can’t just look at someone and think “I’d love to play video games with them” as soon as I see them. But in the end I don’t care who I play with as long as they’re a team player. I usually don’t look for a partner, but if someone asks to play with me I’ll usually think about it. The game stays the same no matter who I play with, so I’m not too picky with partners.

So yeah basically sex to me is just another fun activity like video games, and even though I might enjoy the act of sex or masturbation because it feels good I identify as asexual because I don’t feel sexual attraction and I don’t feel the need to find sex partners.

“Here are the 11 biggest asexual myths busted” - Gay Star News

“Think asexuals are completely different from gay people? Think again as we bust some myths.”

An article by Joe Morgan from his interview with an asexual, debunking some of the more common myths and misconceptions about asexuality. 

You can read the article here

I have actually had this conversation more than once
  • Me:[explains asexuality]
  • Random person:Well, maybe you're just a late bloomer.
  • Me:Or maybe I'm a gymnosperm.