Sooooooo I don’t like soap boxing. I don’t like sharing super personal information about myself on social mediums, but I feel like this is moderately important. Mostly because keeping it to myself and going on like I’m ok has been destroying my psyche. So here goes.
A few weeks or month(s) (depending on when I have the courage to post this) back I went up to the cities, to a rather popular club with some friends. While there I drank a ton, more than I should have and went to a back bar with some people that in my state I should have avoided like the plague. While there they got rather handsy with me and while none of them were anyone I found attractive, (asexual) my body under the influence was responding to the situation as one would expect it would to stimuli. Over the course of my previous relationships I learned a few things. 1. Making out is something I enjoy a great deal. 2. Cuddling is 100% ok in my book. Which is how everything started out. And I was fine with it. How ever this group of people started getting a lot more aggressive towards me, and I stopped being into it once someone had there hands down my pants with out my consent. Again though my body reacted to the situation as one would expect, however I kept saying no, but they kept trying to convince me to go further. Kept urging me to take my pants off, reaching for my belt. Being a weak and timid individual like I am eventually I just took them off my self because they wouldn’t of been able to take off my singlet if they tried, and I hoped once they got what they wanted they’d let me leave. And I was able to get away and join my other friends. We promptly left the bar and had what was one of the most intense drives home I thank god my friend Charlie was there to help me, out with driving back as I wasn’t in a state too. I’ve ever had the displeasure of having to go through.
After telling my father what I went through he brought me (in a rage) to the cities a few days later to file a report with the police, They listened to my story, and while they were sympathetic, they stated with no physical evidence, and given the fact that it was to busy in the bar for anyone to be able to confirm my story or deny it would of become case of “he said he said.” so they can’t really go any further. I didn’t even bother to list names though I still have them. But it was never even super important to me to have them locked up or punished severely. Karma works it’s own wonders. I just wanted this ordeal to be over and done. I was ashamed and embarrassed.
To be honest I’m actually mostly over the physical stuff anyway.
What truly fucked me up, out of everything was the blatant disrespect they had for me and my sexuality. The things they said…
they were disgusting insulting things.
It was more than rude it was damaging, to my psyche and made me feel disgusted with not only them but myself as well.
Their words and taunts made me sick. I couldn’t look at myself, and they ruined my night, week, and the weeks that followed. Echoing in my head like the taunts of playground bullies.
I want to set the record straight.
Asexuals are capable of having sex. It’s nothing all of us are completely against. Some of us still do it, some of us eat cake instead, the point is we can still do it. The definition of Homosexuality is someone who finds the same gender sexually attractive, Heterosexuals find the opposite sex attractive. An Asexual finds finds very few people to no one sexually attractive. It’s really that simple. Because of this lack of sexual attraction to other genders it typically isn’t often we engage in sexual intercourse of any kind. However this doesn’t mean we are celibate by any means. Asexuals still have labidos for the most part, and everything down stairs still works. (I've FOUND that through getting to know a person better, I have been able to see them as sexually attractive, but these have been people I’ve spent time talking to and getting to know, people I trust deeply.)
As many will probably tell you, you don’t need to find some one sexually attractive to have sex with them, it helps I’m sure but it isn’t a necessity. For me I have had one consensual sexual partner who, though I can admit was a handsome person, was no one I found to be anymore sexually attractive to me than a rock. And though what we did was pleasurable and I got off, he couldn’t get me completely up, it lasted two hours and I got bored.
Asexuality has it’s spectrum, just like homosexuality, bi sexuality, and heterosexuality. An asexual can still preform sexual acts. An asexual can still post the videos, and photos I do because they don't contradict the definition of an asexual. It doesn’t mean I’m specifically asking for a sexual partner, it doesn’t mean I want SEX, and it doesn’t mean I’m SEXUALLY REPRESSED, nor does it contradict those statements. I post the videos because I’m drunk half the time and I think they are funny as hell. I post the pictures that I do because you guys seem to love them, and though myself confidence was, and still is moderately high, I’d be lying id i said that your kind words to me didn’t warm me, and make me feel just as good about myself as i did when I took those pictures. And I thank you all for you’re kind words.
It took me a long time to discover what my sexual orientation was, and an even longer time to become ok with it. It meant a lot to me. Sexual attraction is something I struggled with since I was first learning about sex in the 5th grade. They told us how we’d start noticing things, like romantic feelings, and sexual attraction, and thought romance is something I had felt for my best friend, a sexual attraction was never something that came up. It wasn’t until high school (after my first suicide attempt) that I noticed something was wrong. I had developed feelings for my best friend, and though I loved him a great deal, so much so that I’d have done anything to spend the rest of my life with him, there was no sexual attraction to him what so ever. These sort of problems persisted for the next few years I noticed I only ever developed this attraction to men making me believe I was gay, but still very rarely felt sexually attracted to them, whenever sex would come up we’d get close to actually fucking but than I’d make an excuse to bail, because I didn’t get wood at all, at first I thought i wasn’t able to get it up, but a trip to the doctor assured me I wasn’t suffering from ED at an early age.
But still these problems plagued me, It wasn’t until I met my last boyfriend, that I even knew what asexuality was.nor did i really believe such a thing could exist, but actually, after 4-6 of the most amazing months I had with him, (before we broke up, over the way he was treating me like a child, and the fact that I didn’t think I could truly make him happy.) I learned so much about asexuality, it all made sense to me, and for the first time in years, I felt comfortable, truly and unbelievable comfortable in my own body again. My asexuality finally was an accepted part of my identity. I took as much pride in myself as anyone else did, My asexuality was just as important to me as anyone else’s. Especially after the hardships I endured to find it.
Yet in under an hour, 3 strangers took all of that away from me. I spent the weeks that followed waking up every 20 minutes because I would have a nightmare, it wasn’t until Christmas I got my first full nights sleep (because I drank myself into a coma) and even now, I have rarely been able to sleep well and keep myself awake on Tumblr, so that I dont have to deal with the night terrors. Hearing their words echoing through my head, their laughter, the ridicule at my expense. I’m over the sexual acts part of the night, bottom line I consented, I took back my consent, they tried harder, they let me go. open shut. I’m moving on because they are people I never want to seen nor will I ever see again.
Honestly I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking to start a crusade, I’m not even looking for justice or vengeance. i want people to become more educated about asexuality so no one ever has to question their own identities ever again. If you have a friend who is ace or ace questioning don’t mock them, don’t pity them, don’t convince them them they are wrong. Don’t call them confused or sexually repressed. If anything help them, reassure them, be a comfort and a friend to them. Listen to what they have to say, especially if they come forward to you about there orientation and what they are OK with and not OK with. Trust is important to all friendships and Important for them in such a time of confusion and mystery. Just be there for them. I’ve lost so many important friends over this. I’d hate to see it happen to any of you.