A little insight.
So hello my darling followers. i am home from school again because my mom is worried about me still. so i decided to just let out my feelings instead of sitting in complete boredom and depression. i decided to tell about the oh-so-complicated story of me and my best friend/crush. you have probably heard of him here and there in some of my stories. what you don’t know is the completely complicated and messed up story of us. again im hoping he doesn’t read this but for some reason he always does. so here we go:
i don’t remember the exact day i met him. i just remember how it was during snack time during afterschool. i remember how he was running up to me and friends, right behind one of my other friends. he was just another young kid to me back then. i was in 8th grade and he was in 6th. our worlds were so far apart at that time. when i first saw him i never knew he would mean so much to me. i didn’t know. all i knew was that my friend was now introducing me to some forgettable 6th grader. that day was so forgettable. all i remembered was him running to us. after that, or even before that, i do not remember what happened. i do remember though that he added me on facebook soon after and i was surprised. i still remember the profile picture he had when i first added him.
then there was one day, the day i wish i could take back. my group of friends all went to my best friend’s house and i wasn’t allowed to leave my house because my mom wouldn’t let me. so my best friend, well ex-best friend now, videochatted me to “include me in the fun” when in reality it just made me feel all depressed. so i hung up the video call and just stared at the computer screen. a few minutes later i went on facebook and the first name i saw was his and i said hey and asked for his aim. we started talking that night. he was nice and actually cool to talk to. he actually cared about the conversation which was refreshing. you know to meet someone new and be able to talk to them without awkwardness is such a blessing. we talked and talked and talked almost every night. and somewhere in all of that talking, he said that he loved me. he was the first guy to ever say that to me. i didn’t know it then, but i do now, that he didn’t mean it. he was young and said it to everyone. i didn’t know so it meant a lot to me the first time. i remember one time he said it to me, i was at my friend’s house. and i didn’t even notice he had responded so i was still joking and laughing with my friends. but she saw it and was like “omg look” and i was just like what and then i stared at the screen and he responded with i love you and i was like so, because he always said it. and she said “so do you like him, like if he asked you out would you say yes?” i just shrugged. i hadn’t really thought about him like that but after she said that i started to think about him like that. and i guess that was the day i started to like him.
i honestly don’t know what is so great about him. like he has 390034958049385093480958 flaws. obvious flaws too. hes not the most muscular guy out there. none of my friends think he’s attractive. hes so awkward too. and he makes me feel like he doesnt give a shit about me. but still i ache for him. i ignore those flaws. i think he’s fine just the way he is. i find him very cute. i accept his awkwardness because i am awkward too. and even if he doesn’t give a shit about me, i care SOOO much about him. i think i always will.
i fell head over heels for him. we would hug each other every time we saw and each time the hugs got longer. and even though we said nothing really while talking , our conversations meant the world to me. and then he met my ex-best friend. everything literally went downhill from there. he would talk to her everyday the second she got on aim, would call her beautiful every chance he could, and say i love you to her like every chance he got. he even woke me up at 8am on a saturday morning just to tell me how beautiful she was and how he wanted to talk to her so bad. yeah i was annoyed and jealous. hell fucking yeah. that was the first time i ever had such strong emotions and a pit dropping in my stomach. and the worst fucking part was she knew i liked him. she fucking knew. but she still rubbed it in my face. she sent conversations between them to me and giggled about it over video chat. i couldn’t fucking stand it. one day i just burst out at her that he never called me beautiful or pretty. and she told him this and aimed me soon after, saying ‘i never said you were ugly’. and i told him i never said that. and he said you are pretty. and it just meant shit to me. because he had to be forced you know?
me and my ex-best friend soon stopped being friends. she told me that i was a whore even though i’ve never had a boyfriend or did anything except hug a guy. she also told me she was growing a hatred for me and that pretty much did it for me. i ignored her after that even after she tried to talk me into being at least hi and bye friends. through all of this he was still talking to both of us. and one day she had asked him to talk to me about her and see if i said anything bad. it really fucking pissed me off when i found out. i mean i didn’t say anything bad about her i just simply expressed how hurt i was by my best friend but still it was my trust he had broken that day. i didn’t talk to him for a few days after that. i was really mad and that was one of only two times I've been pissed at him in these whole two years. my friends all convinced me to just give him one more chance. boy was i wrong to listen to them.
he told me that i was one of his best friends and that none of his friends are as trustworthy or great as me and blahblahblah. stuff i believed. i thought he was going to start treating me better but the next day things went back to normal. but it was too late i was already trapped in his web.
it’s been a blur until this year. for one whole year and some months it was just blah. it was me talking to him, him barely responding like he could care less about our conversations or me in general. it was me confessing my undying love to him about three times. it was him rejecting me about three times. it was him never giving me a chance to prove to him how good i am for him. it was him telling me about all his fail crushes. it was me trying to get over him. it was me failing to. it was me telling him all my secrets. it was blah.
then came November 21st, 2011. it was one month and a day since he was dating his first girlfriend. he called me that afternoon and i was so confused why because we had talked even less since he started dating her. but i answered and he sounded upset so i skipped my after school activities to go comfort him- after all we were still best friends. me and my other friend kept him company while he talked about the problems in his relationship and how he thought she was going to break up with him soon and i tried to hold in all my bad opinions of his
whore girlfriend. i told him to just break up with her before she did but he went with my other friend’s advice and decided to give her a few more days. well she broke up with him that night over aim. worst part? his birthday was the next day. so he was upset his whole birthday. the only bright side was i got my best friend back.
he was so depressed though and i felt so bad. so when i went over to my best friend’s house for thanksgiving i invited him with me. it was harmless fun until two of my friends left to the store and the other two were cooking in the kitchen. that left me and him alone in a room with a bed. we laid down next to each other and he asked, “do you want to play the nervous game?” and i just automatically said yes. i think in terms of the game i won because i never got nervous and he touched my chest and i just laid their thinking what am i doing. after we sat up and he said “i feel like i made you feel uncomfortable” and i told him he didn’t i just thought that maybe …i was his rebound. and he automatically said “no, you’re not.” we just sat there awkwardly until my two other friends came back from the store. that night we kind of flirted online and he asked why i didnt take more action. i dont know why but i responded with, “i’m sorry, i will next time ;)” or something along those lines. i didn’t expect the next time to be so soon. i dragged him along with me for black friday shopping with me and my best friend the next day. it was kind of a mistake because he bumped into his ex at the mall and was depressed the rest of the day. me and my best friend tried our hardest to cheer him up. we were going to my other best friend’s house so we just decided to drag him along. he was still upset and i felt so bad watching my usually happy best friend like this. so we started to play truth or dare. one of the dares was for me to strip and i refused to take off more than just my shirt so all i had was my undershirt that was tight over my boobs. and then there was another dare to go and play 7 minutes in heaven with him in my friend’s private bathroom. as soon as the door clicked shut he started to touch my chest again but he was like “this is awkward” and dropped his hands. that’s when something came over me and i walked closer to him in the tiny bathroom and said do you want to play the nervous game? and started from his chest all the way down. he still didn’t say he was nervous when i got there. so yeah you can guess what happened from there, this is getting rated r.
we decided to just forget what happened that night, i kind of didn’t but he did so we did. he told me he regretted it because his ex said she would do that for him. blah. after that things went back to normal and by normal i mean he ignored me as usual. i couldn’t make him happy like at all. he kept saying how his ex was the closest friend he has ever had and i just sat there reading those words, about cry or scream with pain. it just proved that no matter how much you are there for someone they couldn’t care less. his other best friend had no problem making him feel better though. he told me that she was the only one who could truly make him feel happy again and that made me feel like shit. he got closer and closer to her and started to like her while im sitting here like shit. i was trying so hard to hold on while he was trying so hard to let go of me.then there was the day tumblr saved my life and he found out about my suicidal thoughts and everything i said about him on this blog. he came to my house and told me a whole bunch of bullshit like, “you’re beautiful”, 'you don’t deserve this" “blahblahblah”.i was pretty much silent the whole time. he disowned me as his best friend soon after. he told me i had emotional fits and me liking him was ruining our friendship and that we shouldn’t talk for awhile. during those few days of not talking my friends told me finally about how he talked to them about me. he told them how i was emotionally unstable and looking for attention from him. and that hurt. hurt because of what he said and how he couldn’t even say it to my face. i was boiling with anger for the second time in two years and i was prepared to never talk to him again. and then he aimed me saying he was sorry that he treated me like shit and i gave him one last chance, i really shouldn’t have.
we went back to the same shit the next day as usual. we were still friends but he disowned me as his best friend for good. but there were still nights where i stayed up, almost passing out in school the next day from sleep deprivation, just to give him advice. i never stopped being there for him. when he was lonely i skipped my after school activities to hang out with him after school. i went out of my way to invite him to where i went with my friends. and then there was another time at my best friend’s house again when we… :x
but then slowly as time went on he didn’t need me as much. we didn’t hang out as much. he had found new people to hang out with, to talk to. leaving me alone. leaving me feeling even more depressed. and that is when i made the plan to kill myself. he found out again. he stayed up late for once to help me. he wouldn’t leave my side the night i was going to do it. he suddenly cared when i finally wanted him not to. now that i am alive and getting the help i need i want him to care again. but at the same time i want him to continue to not care. asdfghjkl; i don’t even know anymore.
If you’re reading this, Andrew, i love you. i don’t exactly know when i realized it but i do love you. i love you so much. as a best friend and as more. i don’t care if you think this is ruining our friendship. because i don’t think it is. there is nothing wrong with me liking you. excuse me, i mean loving you. and you are probably dating your newest crush now. she’s beautiful, as everyone you like is. i guess that is why you don’t like me. it’s okay. i’ll stop burdening you now, i swear. i just couldn’t leave you without you knowing that i love you. i see past your age, your flaws, everything bad about you straight to your heart which is pure and beautiful. and no matter how many girlfriends you have i just want you to know that i love you and i always will. even if you never give me a chance, i want you to know i love you. i’ll be waiting for you forever probably. okay bye.<3