I really dislike venting. It comes from I don’t want people to think I’m weak and have to take on my problems for me. I don’t like being a burden to people. Even when people tell me that I’m not, I still feel like I am.
In the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling horrible. I can’t get this underlying feeling of guilt and anguish out of the pit of my stomach, and I didn’t understand why until today.
As most of you probably know, I somewhat infamously ship Zer0 and Athena together. Weird pairing, I know. This has been going on for the good part of two years now. Pretty much, before TPS came out (you can see where this is probably going).
For the past few months, I received nothing but hateful messages from people. Some of them had the borderline vitriol of “Kill yourself.”, “You’re a piece of shit that deserves to die.”, and “You’re worthless.” among other angry tidbits. I didn’t tell anyone about these daily messages for a few reasons:
-I didn’t want to clutter anyone’s dash with them.
-I made a promise to my 30 or so followers back in December that I would try my hardest to not post anything like that on my blog. I still plan on keeping that promise.
-I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems.
As I said, this went on for a few months. The same hate-spewing messages from, what I assume to be, the same hate-spewing people. In short, it went on for quite a while for the same reason: that one ship.
Now, one day (June 23rd if my memory is correct) my resolve and armor cracked. I let the words get to me. Maybe it’s because I had been away for almost a week and the messages piled up, or something different. No matter what, I crumbled, and I crumbled very, very hard.
The secret was out and it didn’t make me feel any better knowing that people had knowledge of what had been going on. I think this is when I started getting into these “mood swings”. One moment I would be fine and the next I would feel like garbage and wanted to lay on the floor and sob. I didn’t, of course (too swag for that).
I think I figured out why. During those months, I had been publicly posting about the ship. I suppose, deep, deep down (and I mean deep ) I felt like I was forcing people to see something they didn’t. To this day, despite almost never posting about that ship, I still feel like I force people to read and think about them.
Hell, today I almost had a breakdown (I presume it was one) because I couldn’t handle sending headcanons about the ship to someone. It made me feel so terrible and full of such guilt that my stomach started to throb in pain.
I can’t stop this feeling, too. It happens, it happens.
I suppose, if you’re still reading up to this point, then kudos. I feel better typing this out without anyone interrupting me to say, “It’s fine.” Also, I’m sorry for typing this because my blog was not made for these types of posts.
That’s about all. How do I end this…?
Uh… vent over?