as wonderful as it is emotionally destructive

anonymous asked:

can u do one where the reader is dating josh, but one night he goes to a party without her and she sees pics of him and debby together and she gets really jealous and insecure? thank you, love your writing :)

so i’ve gotten a couple anons with similar requests, so i decided to go with this prompt. enjoy xx. and be on the lookout for @kylielo22​ and i’s new shared writing blog @topfics​ she’s already posted an imagine and i’ll be posting one tonight, so go follow us!

JOSH DUN IMAGINE

“Wish you were here…”

Josh’s text came through your phone only about an hour after he had left the house.  

You slide to reply.  “Just try to have some fun, babe.  You deserve a night out.”

Moments later, the typing bubble pops up, indicating another message would soon come through.  

“I’m just saying, it would be a lot more fun if you were here.”

You smile to yourself, slightly smug that Josh missed you so much.  He had practically begged you to go to this party tonight, but after the day you had, all you wanted was to cuddle up in a blanket and stay home.  You weren’t one for going out much, anyway.  

“I promise I’ll go with you to the next one” you text back.

As the night goes on, you start to feel increasingly guilty for not going.  Josh would be leaving soon for the second half of the tour, after all.  You should have tried to spend every moment you could with him.  You make a point to stay awake until he got home.  That way you could at least cuddle and talk with him a bit before going to bed.  

To pass the time, you throw on a show from your Netflix watch list and start to scroll through your phone.  You mindlessly check your social media accounts, instagram first, then twitter.  

You weren’t even really paying attention until you came across a picture of Josh from the party.  He was smiling happily, and looking like he was having fun.  That made you feel a little less guilty.  

Every time you refreshed your feed, new pictures of Josh would surface.  They were all pretty repetitive.  Him smiling with fans.  Him smiling with friends.  Until one popped up that really caught your eye.

Josh was giving his signature cheesy grin, only this time, his ex-girlfriend was planting a wet one right on his cheek.

You knew you’d regret it, but you clicked on the picture anyway, watching as the comments flooded in.

Jebby is back!

I’m screaming, why are they so cute together!!!

does this mean Y/N and Josh broke up?

honestly Jebby is better than Y/S/N was ever gonna be…

they look so happy!!!!

And they did.

They looked happy.

You trusted Josh.  You really did.  You trusted him with everything inside you.  You knew he wasn’t cheating.  You knew him and Debby weren’t dating.  But that didn’t keep the bubble of jealousy inside of you from growing.

You knew you should close your phone and just wait for him to get home.  But you were pretty much the queen of emotionally self-destructing behavior, so you continued to scroll through the comments, refreshing and reloading, and rereading words that made you hate yourself.  

Josh and Debby just belong together tbh.

he’s so obviously in love with her

The picture blew up.  It spread like wildfire.  People were retweeting it.  Jebby started trending. And you felt like you might be sick.

But you couldn’t help but stare at the picture and think, maybe they really were better together.  

You bit your lip, wondering why someone like Josh would ever fall in love with someone like you.  Especially after what he had with Debby.  She was so good for him.  Beautiful.  Talented.  Fun.  She was in the same business as him.  She knew LA like him.  She wasn’t afraid to go out and have fun on nights like this.  

You didn’t really try to hold back the tears that were falling down your face, glistening from the light of your phone screen in the dark living room.  The TV played in the background, the noise feeling so distant and muffled.  You sat, curled up on the couch and wondered how long it would take Josh to break up with you.  

It seemed unavoidable now.

You finally lock your phone up and wrap your arms around yourself, squeezing tight and trying to hold your aching insides together.  

You sigh and decide that waiting up for Josh that night wasn’t really appealing to you anymore, so you find the energy to lift your body off from the couch and make your way up to bed.  

Your thoughts raced as you stared up at the spinning ceiling fan.  You weren’t good enough for Josh.  The concept had finally resonated with you.  You weren’t good enough and you never would be.   People like Josh deserved people like Debby.  People who were confident, and adventurous…

Just then, you hear the door open and close from downstairs. You immediately roll over so that you’re on your side, back facing the door.  You close your eyes and pretend to be asleep.  This way you could avoid a conversation with Josh.  

Moments later and you can hear his footsteps approaching the bedroom.  He cracks the door quietly before entering.  You can tell he’s trying to be light on his feet so as not to wake you.  You stay still, practically holding your breath.  You wait until the bed dips beside you to let out a soft exhale.  

Maybe it’s your imagination, but he feels further away than usual.

The next morning, you’re up before Josh.  

You putter around the kitchen, trying to stay as quiet as possible while putting together a small breakfast for the two of you.  

You’re surprised when he comes down the stairs before nine o’clock.  That was unusually early for him.  

“Hey,” he says, in his sleepy morning voice.

“Morning,” you say, “how was last night?”

“It was good,” he says, pulling up the stool from the counter so that he can watch you flip pancakes.  “Would’ve been better if you were there, though.”

You can’t help but suspect he’s lying.

“I saw some pictures on twitter, looked like you were having fun.”

“Yeah we did.”

Who was we? you thought. Him and Debby, no doubt.  Your insides squirmed.  

Don’t be jealous.  The voice in your head said.  It’s not a good look on you.  

“They had so much free food, you would’ve been in heaven—“ Josh starts to ramble on about the night, but you weren’t paying attention.  You couldn’t.  You were too overcome with this feeling of dread.  You had a weight in your stomach, dragging you down.  All you could think was I’m not enough.  I’ll never be enough.

You’re suddenly pulled out of your trance by Josh calling your name loudly.

You look up to see the pancakes you’d had been cooking in the pan had turned charcoal.  You gasp loudly and pick the pan up off from the burner, smoke rising.  It quickly hits the fire alarm and sets it off.  The loud noise echoed throughout the room.  

You rush to the trash can and dispose of the burnt pancakes, before practically throwing the metal pan into the sink.  

Could you do anything right?

You fall to the floor then, bringing your knees tightly to your chest and resting your forehead on them before letting out a sob.  Your hair falls around your face like a curtain, you were grateful.  It hid your shame.

Josh quickly rushes over.

“Hey,” he soothes, kneeling beside you.

“I mess everything up,” you cry out.  

“It’s okay—“ he places his palm on your curved spine, rubbing circles with the pads of his fingers.

You look up finally, your eyes already puffy.

“I’m not good enough,” you whisper, staring straight ahead at the cabinets.  “I’ll never be good enough for you.”

“What?” Josh says, confused.  “Y/N, they’re just pancakes, we have more batter… we’ll just make some more—“

He clearly doesn’t get it.

“It’s not just the pancakes, Josh. It’s everything.  I’m not good enough for you—“

“Why would you even say that?” he stutters, placing his other hand on the floor for balance.  

“I’m boring! I stay at home while you go to parties.  I’m in bed when you get home.  I can’t follow you on tour or go to half as many of the shows that I’d like to.  You deserve someone who’s better…” you pause. “better suited to your lifestyle.  Someone fun and pretty.  Someone like Debby!”

You throw it all out there.  Hoping he doesn’t focus solely on the last bit.  

Josh doesn’t say anything at first.  He just stares at you.  It’s hard to gage what he’s thinking, too.  Was he mad?  Hurt?  In agreement?  You couldn’t tell.  

“I saw the picture,” you sigh finally, hating his silence.  “Of the two of you.—“

“I promise nothing happened…” Josh immediately interjects.  “We’re just friends, she didn’t even stick around that long, just enough to say hi—“

“I know,” you say back.  “I trust you and I know you’re not cheating on me, but like…” you struggle to find the words.  “Everyone was commenting, saying how much better she is for you than I am.  And at first I was jealous.  But then I thought… What if they’re right?”

“Baby…“ he says, his voice sounding so empathetic and sad.  He sits with his back against the cabinet and pulls you over onto his lap.  You don’t even protest.  He rocks with you like that, all folded up and coiled into his body.  He kisses the top of your head.  “They’re not right.”

You open your mouth to protest, but Josh cuts you off.  “Plus it’s not up to them.  You love me exactly the way I need to be loved, and there is no one better for me.”

You sigh against him, letting your head rest on his chest.  

“I can tell you don’t believe me,” he says against your hair.  

“I’m trying to.”

“I’ll remind you for the rest of my life if I have to.  I love you so much,” he says.  “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he rocks with you back and forth to the beat of the words.

You finally smile.  Realizing how much Josh cared about you.  

“I love you too,” you finally sigh in relief.  The voices had finally quieted down, maybe one day you would really believe you were enough.

“Now come on,” he says, helping you to your feet.  “Let’s go out and get some breakfast, cause I’m not touching those pancakes…”

2

Gintama manga chap 650

Dear Gintama gods and Sorachi-sama,

How can I even begin to thank you? You made me so unbelievably happy with this chapter!  Sometimes in my more delusional moments, I almost start to believe that you are reading my letters and granting the wishes I have asked for in them accordingly. I know, that is clearly my insanity at work, but you sometimes craft such perfect scenes that seem so tailormade for my shipper heart to go all aflutter, the simple explanations of misinterpretation or coincidence just do not seem to be enough. Now, before I make you projectile vomit with my rabid fangirling, I must first say how truly grateful I am that everyone I care about on Earth in the Gintaverse is well and accounted for. After so many weeks of fighting and mourning and suspense, it was definitely a big relief to know that in addition to the rest of the gang being thankfully alive, the threat from space is finally over, communication between the terrestrial and space gangs have been re-established thanks in part to the cessation of Gengai’s nanomachines, and most importantly, our wonderful dragon hole guardians have finally reunited and are ready to do something about those pesky yet destructive Altana geysers popping up all over Edo.  In a word, PROGRESS! Yes! Although, I probably shouldn’t be too happy about that since it’s just one step nearer to the final showdown, but I also have a dreadful feeling that you plan to throw a monkey wrench in the proceedings somehow and we will most likely get punished emotionally for that one step forward. As I mentioned previously, I do not like the fact that Utsuro knows about the guardians’ existence, it makes me extremely nervous and a little scared, especially for the safety of our beloved Sadaharu and that adorable Komako. I can only hope even you think they are simply too precious and cute to be seriously harmed in any way.

And now to the parts which made my heart sing the most: first of all, I was already happy enough last time thinking that Kamui pulled Gintoki from the rubble, but to find out he actually saved Gintoki from his foolhardy attempt at going against Utsuro alone just made their moment that much better for me. I’m glad Kamui hadn’t given up on him being his prey yet; even though I don’t exactly ship them anymore, I am still pleased to know that as long as Kamui’s around, Gin-chan might have himself a pretty useful bodyguard, even if the said bodyguard is prone to cause the most harm to him and may eventually prey upon him. I know we probably don’t have the time and proper setting for that, but I would still love to see the two of them go at it once again.  

Speaking of going at it, Kamui, Kagura and Sougo!!! I screamed in happiness for almost too long to be considered normal. I’ve waited for this moment for what seems like an eternity! I never wanted it to end, but at the same time, it was also just perfect the way it is! I can’t stop staring at those two panels and just grinning like an idiot. I must confess, for just a split second, I was briefly torn because here I have OkiKagu before my eyes but then I also have OkiKamui as well whom at one time were also my ship. However, I quickly decided I had to be faithful so it was back to celebrating Okita and Kagura together in front of stupid big brother Kamui. Please let us have more moments like this before the end? The journey to this point took so long—especially for the two siblings to act like siblings in front of Sougo, who could very well be part of their clan one day when he marries Kagura (if she’ll have him)—I don’t want to have to live off of just that brief bit of perfect cuteness forever.  Forgive me for being greedy but if you’d next consider having the three of them team up and fight together against someone…something, anything…I would be ever so grateful.  

As if that wasn’t enough, you even gave us that touching conversation between two old friends-comrades-enemies, Gintoki and Takasugi. Of course I also wished their moment could have lasted longer, but at the same time, what needed to be said was said, and I loved it so much because again, the journey to that point took so long and therefore the end result was completely earned.  I’m just worried about the condition that Takasugi is in, I hope you will give him time to heal properly so that he is in prime condition join his three Joui brothers to confront Utsuro once and for all.  

I would have already loved this chapter with just all of the above in it, but then you even threw in a beautiful, lovely, delicious, wonderful Gintoki/Hijikata moment! As if just for me! I was seriously getting light-headed from sheer joy. It’s almost been a while since they were last within proximity to each other, but I love that you more than made up for that by having Hijikata automatically know that Gintoki had arrived. Ok, I know Kagura and Shinpachi were there too, but I’m sorry, he addressed Gin-chan specifically and even threw his phone at him without looking. It was…again, PERFECT. I loved it so much. Thank you thank you. I cannot thank you enough. I could also live off of that for a while but I sincerely hope in your infinite generosity, you won’t make me do that.  

Oh and lest I forget, as for Matsudaira and Ane…well, I’m just glad he’s ok too, and obviously in a healthy enough state to be thinking of his nether regions. I hope he survives through this battle so that one day he may once again be cajoled by Ane into buying bottles of Dom Perignon at the Snack Smile, if it ever gets rebuilt.  

Yours truly,

A silly fangirl with yaoi dreams

(^3^)

PS: THANK YOU SORACHI-SAMA!!! [insert incoherent squeaky noises of glee here]

Rest and Recreation

Namjoon
Genre: Smut
Word Count: 2007-ish
Namjoon helps you out with your discomfort, and you help him out with his.

A/N: I have a thing for laps. Like, there is no universe where Y/N is not in someone’s lap at one point or another. I also have a thing for blowjobs. And that’s what this is. SO. I also have no excuse for using this gif except that it’s my fav Joon smile ever caught on camera kthnxbai

Cramps hit you hard this month. You had spent the day in pitiable condition, whimpering and cringing and emotionally compromised, until Namjoon took pity on you and let you curl up in his lap, tucked under his chin while the both of you watched tv. He was absently rubbing your back, his long fingers massaging the base of your spine and the dimples above your hips, coaxing the tenseness from your muscles.

Way too many episodes into a Netflix binge, you found yourself nodding off in Namjoon’s arms, lulled to peace by his gentle touches. Eyes drifting closed, you dreamily wondered where the God of Destruction disappeared to, giggling softly because why the hell did that matter? Pfft, he was good with his hands. You chuckled again, because yeeah, he was good with his hands, in more ways than one.

Namjoon’s lips twitched at your soft sounds, and he tipped his head to press a kiss into your hair, never letting up on the massage. You nuzzled into his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of him, gently drowning your senses with everything Namjoon. It was just comfort and tranquility and love. It pulled you so into the moment, so into him, you honestly couldn’t pay attention to yourself.

Keep reading

Thoughts on The OA

I watched all 8 episodes in the last 36 hours so I have a lot to process through. Here are my questions, comments, and concerns:

1) Buck Vu is unquestionably the purest and most wonderful of the boys. He just seems to GET IT and he has my undying love and support. Protect Buck at all costs.
2) “my boys” ok bba just stab me in the heart
3) Steve is my problematic fave. He’s 100% an asshole. He’s violent, he’s cruel, he pissed me off many a time. But I felt like in his own immature, self-destructive, emotionally stunted way he was doing his best. Idk maybe assholes need love too sometimes. Steve is not a good person but I think sometimes he wants to be and I love him for that.
4) “PEOPLE ARE GAY STEVEN”
5) Ah French. The beautiful skeptic. Our resident Dana Scully. I really needed more of you.
6) Precious Homer, with that baby face. I want him to be real. I hope he’s okay.
7) Why was OA’s therapist in her house?? At the same time French found the books??? 🤔😒
8) If they don’t believe her, why do the movements during the shooting?
9) Did they save the school supernaturally with the movements or just by distracting the guy? Does it matter? She said every choice anyone makes creates an alternate universe, so by choosing to do the movements they created the universe in which no one dies…. idk metaphysical puzzle
10) Abel handles conflict the way I do: avoidance and the way everyone should: by making waffles.
11) If she WASNT in Lucius Malfoy’s basement, WHERE HAS OA BEEN THE PAST 7 YEARS?

I’m sure more will come to me but wow

Keith and his fear of feelings

@kanjiklance, your tags on this post caught my eye there so I’m gonna ramble about some of these stuff some more.

Totally agree with you about Hunk there. And I’m kinda hoping that this whole “I’m just a fat nice guy” thing is there to cover something dark. I have a feeling Hunk is gonna really surprise us all in some way.

And Lance’s fear seems to be related to other people and how they view him, “failure” is more about you being disappointed in yourself, while “losing” is more like people not thinking much of you. He does seem like someone who really cares about how people around him see him.

I also think it’s a very umm common and relatable teenage boy problem, the “I need to be better than someone else to feel good about myself.” And my guess is that Keith is not the first one he’s ever lost to, he probably just takes out a life of losing on him haha

Although I have to say that I don’t think his rivalry with Keith is that serious even, it seems to me more like he’s just dying to make friends with him and get his approval and some recognition from him haha. (This is also just how alot of guys make friends really, you make fun of eachother, dare eachother to do dumb shit, and then the bromance blossoms.) If anything, I think he really admires Keith. And probably getting a “Good job, Lance.” from Keith means to him alot more than it coming from anyone else. So I’m really looking forward to see how their relationship develops once Keith takes the leadership position. 

Buuut, I can totally see how at some point this rivalry might take a more serious turn because of Lance’s insecurities. Lance is gonna fuck something up real bad because of it one day. For sure.

And with Keith, yeah I agree, this is exactly what we’ve seen happening with Shiro in “Collection and extraction” isn’t it? 

He goes from this:

To later in the episode going against his own common sense because Allura gets captured.

And that ends up getting them into some serious trouble because surprise! it was a pretty dumb thing to do..

Keith so far seems to be the opposite of that, or atleast strives to be the opposite of that. (That’s why I like Keith as a leader, he actually makes sense most of the time haha.) 

And I think Keith is kinda Galra in his way of thinking. Seems like he’s got the whole “Having feelings makes you weak” thing we’ve seen with Zarkon in episode 2. (And as both pilots of the black lion, I feel like Keith might be facing alot of the same things Zarkon did in the past… And I think there might be alot of similarities between him and Keith we will see in the future.)

But, even though you’re right and Keith definitely has feelings for all the paladins and we can see he really likes Lance and really appreciates his friendship and really wants to be friends with him despite the rivalry Lance is forcing on them. He’s very caring and protective of Pidge, and it’s clear that even though he gets mad at her, he feels for her and her mission to find her family. And he seem to bond there with Hunk pretty well too (We dun see him bond too much with Allura and Coran though for some reason…)

So yeah, Keith is not exactly someone who is closed up emotionally and avoids relationships like someone who is scared of caring. But thing is I dun feel like he cares about them that much (yet atleast). Whether intentionally or because it’s just the way he is, like he seems to be at a place of “I care, but not to the point where it could affect my good judgement and seeing the bigger picture.” As he admits he would leave them behind for the greater good even if he doesn’t like it. 

Keith cares about the people, but he cares about the goal more, so it seems. (A few sacrifices for the freedom and peace of the entire universe is nothing.)

And this is where I feel Shiro comes in.

Because just from what we’ve seen in season 1, I think alot of us got the feeling that if it was Shiro that was captured instead of Allura, Keith would be out there heading for Zarkon’s base within seconds with nothing but his jet pack and his knife haha 

(Ok I dun actually think he would do that, but you do get the feeling that if Shiro was in trouble, his reaction would have been different. Although we still haven’t seen him make any rash decision because of Shiro, all of Keith’s war decisions were maybe impulsive but they were mostly logically and not emotionally driven so far. Besides maybe facing Zarkon all by himself, which I feel like was a bit of both.)

So with all that it’s clear that Keith cares about people around him, there is still a big difference in the way he is with Shiro and the way he is with well.. everyone else. And I feel like that distinction is probably there for a reason. 

Seems like there’s deep emotional attachment there. And those seem to be the kind of feelings that can come in the way of his thinking process someday. 

I think from everything we’ve seen so far (which wasn’t much, but it’s all we’ve got haha), Shiro has the most potential to be Keith’s weak spot. 

Interestingly enough, in the finale of Golion, Keith/Akira chooses to let Lotor destroy Voltron trying to protect Shirogane’s/Sven’s life, in this pretty intense dramatic scene (that really doesn’t end well for Ryou haha, but ends pretty good for Sven):  

Akira/Keith I think was always a more emotionally motivated leader then VLD Keith seems to be. But they choose to end the show with his last decision as a leader putting the life of one man above peace in the universe and the destruction of the Galra empire.

I know VLD is a new story, but they do take inspiration from the original material, and I wonder if the reason they are establishing this strong emotional connection with Keith and Shiro right now is because they are building up to something similar, and at some point gonna put Keith in a situation where he’d have to decide between the logical best thing to do and what his feelings say, and would fail.

And I think alot of us been thinking about it since we’ve seen Dark!Shiro haha. Because if we do get to see more of that guy in the future (and I’m guessing we will), You have to wonder how would Keith ever be able to go against this 

Originally posted by kuroganai

Would he ever be able to give up on a corrupted version of Shiro like Allura did with the memories of her father?

If the safety of the universe depended on him killing Shiro, would he be able to do that? 

So even though he cares about all of them for sure, so far it seems to me like Shiro is most likely to be the one designated to make him face his deepest fear.

But I dunno, things can change ofcourse. We really haven’t seen much yet.

FYI - I personally do not support Lundy Bancroft advice
— 

25 yrs ago a read all of Lundy Bancroft and his analysis of abusive men is spot on.  But through the years, he never takes on the men.  

Just like Freud & Christian feminism, he promotes benevolent patriarchy ideology by not blaming the woman, and to endlessly give her sympathy.  

He never uses his knowledge to stand up and change men.  
He never used his power to take on patriarchy.

Just look at all his advice to women, it’s all on you to fix the problem.

… and also he disregards how emotionally hard it is to help someone who doesn’t want help heading towards death and destruction and you just survived the same circumstances. 

DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR RECOVERY trying to remain emotionally vulnerable for a woman who isn’t ready to heal.  

YES, TRY to be there when she’s in that part of the abuse cycle and be open and receptive to your advice, but it’s not on you to be perfect.  It’s not your responsibility to tolerate her abusiveness and then be understanding when she’s nice.

Getting someone out takes tons of $$$ & resources (boarding, therapy, job security) for at least 2 yrs to de-stress and relearn.  Anything less and you wonder why she goes back?

Lundy is your friend in giving you the words to describe male toxic behavior, but he is your enemy when the advice is how to get out. 

Okay given this last episode, I want to take the opportunity to address something that’s been bothering me for awhile.

Jyushimatsu.

Yes, he is very cheerful. He has demonstrated his kindness more than any of the other brothers. He is arguably the least malicious, and the most honest, and he’s generally a nice kid. Now I know we’re all pretty aware that the “innocent ray of sunshine” depiction of Jyushi is largely fanon exaggeration, and I know we’re half joking when he slam that depiction with “NOT SO INNOCENT!! A MATSUNO AFTERALL!!” any time he does something mean or perverse. But there’s an important distinction about Jyushi’s personality that I haven’t seen anyone make.

Jyushi is not innocent, he is child-like. The honesty of a child, the optimism of a child, the naivety of a child. But that comes along with the selfishness, the stubbornness, and the cruelty of a child. Jyushi is the least likely to intentionally hurt someone, but he’s also the least likely to recognize when he’s hurt someone because he’s too oblivious, too single-minded. He has shown very little respect or awareness for other people’s personal space or comfort (throwing Kara, holding Ichi down for a shot), and in the most recent episode he showed his selfish side over the issue of the heater AND THEN THREW A LITERAL TEMPER TANTRUM when it wasn’t resolved fast enough. Let’s not even bother with the tendency towards violence or other bad qualities he shares with his brothers.

Now this childishness is the source of most of Jyushi’s positive AND negative traits, but it’s important to remember that Jyushi is NOT A CHILD. Just like the other 5, he is a grown man, and honestly outside the context of a gag show where Jyushi is the token eccentric, he is objectively terrifying. Imagine meeting a grown adult man with as much blissful disregard for other people and boundless destructive energy as fucking Jyushimatsu. No wonder he needs a chronic B-type personality like Ichimatsu to keep tabs on him.

But aside from that, Jyushi has been shown to be just as intelligent as the other brothers, just as aware and (ahem) sexually mature, and based on the events of episode 9, fairly emotionally mature all things considered! He recognized that the girl he liked was struggling emotionally and dedicated most of his time with her to making her happy. Then, even when she rejected him, of course he was utterly heartbroken but he never demonstrated anything other than respect, understanding, and genuine concern for her up until the very last time he saw her. This is actually a bit contrary to his typical character, since Jyushi is usually kind of selfish, but he was noted to break character a lot during that episode because he genuinely cared about that girl.

Which means Jyushi is at least somewhat aware that the way he acts is KIND OF EXCESSIVE. He definitely has poor impulse control even when he is paying attention to how disruptive he’s being. But like Ichimatsu says in the Jyushimatsu Festival episode, there’s no “hidden darkness” or “deeper meaning” to Jyushimatsu; he is wholly, completely, unashamedly himself down to his core. He is a fairly simple person, but he isn’t as simple as “innocent baby” or “NOT SO INNOCENT NOW!!” There is an innocence to him, evident in his oblivious optimism or his naive honesty, but he is a whole adult person and being a literal man-child is about as charming as it is insufferable. All the brothers need to “grow up” in one way or another, but Jyushi’s hurdle may be a little more literal.

Jyushi is still a ray of sunshine, though. We can all still agree on that.

Something to think about...

Hi. I’ve been on tumblr for a long time now, but there’s something I really wanted to talk about and share, and that’s something I couldn’t do on my regular blog so I made a new one.

I was seventeen years old when I had an abortion at between 8 and 10 weeks.

I was the last person anyone would have expected to get pregnant so young. I’m from a very respectable family - and in the small town we live in we’re quite well known as my parents are active members of the community. I’m intelligent and quiet and sensible, and I’ve only ever slept with one person - my current boyfriend of a year, who was the father.

Straight away, I disregard any insinuation that to get pregnant at such a young age requires ignorance or stupidity. I am not stupid. I am not ignorant. I used contraception, and it failed. If I could go back in time I would use two forms of contraception - yes. But at the time I was too scared to tell my mother that I was sexually active, and too scared to go behind her back and go to the doctor for the pill, whereas condoms were easy enough to obtain.

I found out I was pregnant late last year. Myself and my best friend bought four pregnancy tests, went into the public toilets and used them. All four came back positive.

It is important for those against choice to understand my thought process at this time. It is easy to stand back and condemn me for my eventual decision. But think about it. I was a kid. When I got that positive result I had never been more terrified in all my life. Everything had just changed. My parents would hate me, possibly disown me. My friends would isolate me. I would be laughed at, called a “slut”, whispered about.

I decided to have an abortion after a month of deliberation and swaying back and forth. I made a different “final decision” almost every day, and when I eventually chose to terminate my pregnancy it was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I resent those who make it out like abortion is a cowardly decision, like it’s the easy way out or simply thoughtless murder. I thought about nothing else for weeks, I cried myself to sleep every night, I fought with my boyfriend over the possibility of adoption - which he refused to even consider. People who state that abortion is almost like a form of birth control disgust me. My experience was very painful, I would never ever have gone through it unless I really felt there was no other option.

I had my abortion a couple of days before Christmas, and it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. They gave me pills to induce miscarriage, and I was there for seven hours in terrible pain as the foetus passed. (It’s also important to note that I did eventually tell my parents and they were more supportive than I could have ever imagined.)

Although my decision haunts me every day, it is important to maintain that I do not regret it.

It was the right decision for me at the time. I hope one day to have a family, but it will be when I am ready - not when tunnel-visioned anti-choice campaigners decide I am ready. I was seventeen, I had no job and I had a university place waiting for me that I would have to give up. My parents’ combined income was barely enough to support the three of us, and certainly could not have supported another mouth to feed, even with contributions from my boyfriend’s family. Also, with my vulnerable mental state at the time, I could not have coped with raising a child. In short, I could not have supported the baby financially or emotionally in any way.

I can almost feel people shouting through their screens that I should have selected adoption. However, adoption isn’t for everybody. For a start, I was on a course of anti-depressants. Before I went on these pills my depression was dangerous, with suicidal and self-destructive thoughts constantly in my head. If I continued with my pregnancy the chances were the foetus’ would be born deformed or seriously ill. In a sense, in order to preserve my own health I would have to condemn the child to a future of illness or difficulty. If I had stopped my course of anti-depressants I dread to think what I would have done to myself or to others. Neither myself or my boyfriend could have emotionally coped with carrying a baby for 9 months and giving it away, forever wondering where they were, what they were doing, who they were with and if they were happy.

But this post was not supposed to be about justifying my choice. You who condemn me and call me selfish or say I’m a murderer or a monster - you hide behind screens and throw insults at anyone who tries to share their difficult experiences online. I am sharing my story after watching the video of actress Jemima Kirke, who told of her experiences in a PSA video. I want to remove the stigma and show that it is an option, and not one that makes you a bad person. I have my own personal reasons for choosing abortion, as does everybody who has ever undergone the procedure, and those reasons are simply nothing to do with anyone else.

I understand those who, personally, are against abortion and would never undergo the process themselves. But what I don’t understand, is people actively trying to stop other people from making the decision I made. Live your life in peace, stop trying to force your beliefs on others. The question of whether a foetus has a right to life is a philosophical question, one that has no real scientific backing and does not have a real answer. It is pointless for me to try and convince you that a foetus is not a human being. However, a “right to life” includes, fundamentally, a right to your own body. Surely the rights of a living, breathing, undisputed human being transcend those of a foetus? Also, at the point of birth, a baby is essentially a blank slate. It is their upbringing and circumstances that shape who they become: so the argument that I could have aborted the bringer of world peace is a pointless suggestion.

For people who tell me that if I chose to have sex I had to deal with the consequences. This makes out like the baby is a punishment or that the act of sex is somehow bad. It is not. I had sex with someone whom I love very much and, in my country, I was over the legal age of consent. For me, sex was a legal, enjoyable way to consummate my relationship with my boyfriend. I did so out of free will, and do not regret it in any way.

To conclude: against abortion? Don’t have an abortion. But to try and take away my right to do so is unfair. Banning abortions wouldn’t stop them. This much is evidenced in the back alley abortions that used to take place before its legalisation. All that would happen upon their prohibition, is more and more women receiving “black market” abortions without the proper health care the procedure requires. Women would die along with their babies. What kind of “pro-life” campaigner can advocate that?

Terminating my pregnancy was a harsh reality and one which I couldn’t ignore. I did what was best for myself and my family, and regardless of what some people may think: I am not a monster. What annoys me is that so many people have been through abortions, and so many people feel like they can’t talk about it. Well guess what? You can. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you once had to make a difficult decision that was right for you at the time.

You’re not alone.

Thanks for reading, I’m gonna go back to reblogging photos of kittens and stuff now.

some reasons behind why ep 32 & 33 are actually theoretically devastating yay:

[bc people ask abt trauma theory, & here’s a v simplified (in the good way) & slightly fangirling synopsis of like a chapter of my dissertation]

Keep reading

Ned and Cat, secrets and lies

I just read this post and found it very interesting. This is a point of view I hadn’t seen explored. There are just a couple of things I don’t quite agree with:

It is true that it would have been a narrative problem if Catelyn had known about R+L=J (which, for this wank, I will also assume to be true). However, I do believe that there were true “Watsonian” reasons for Ned lying to Cat for all those years.

My first thought would be that we don’t know (and we will never know) the exact content of the “promise me”. If Lyanna included a “promise me that nobody will ever know”, then it makes sense that a man like Eddard would take that quite seriously, and that “nobody” would naturally include Catelyn. But again, we will never know.

I agree with buffyofwinterfell (in a lot of things, actually); at the beginning of their marriage, he doesn’t know Cat at all and where her alliances truly lay (even though a bastard is no threat to her trueborn children). But about building legit trust and love with her, I don’t think that was a factor in Ned’s decision. Eddard Stark is not the romantic kind; he’s the guy whose wife goes to find him in a place that is uncomfortable to her just to comfort him, and his first words to her are “where are the children?”, followed by her mental note that he always asks her this. If Ned really loved Cat, he was certainly austere about it. His PoV chapters are scarce in feelings and Catelyn’s have only her feelings and her interpretation of his.

In any case, I think most of Eddard’s decisions have not been ruled by his thoughts of “how will this affect my loved ones”. I disagree with this: “Ned’s secrecy is definitely built strongly upon protecting Cat by not implicating her in his lie”. I think he did it to protect Jon, because that’s what he had promised. And he probably decided that this promise was more important than protecting anyone else, including himself: as buffyofwinterfell pointed out, everyone was implicated if the plot was discovered.

How do you keep such a secret from those annoying little birds? The fewer who knew, the better. But also… let’s say that he planned to tell Catelyn after a while, if he got to trust her enough. The first few years of marriage must have shown Ned how differently she treated Jon and how this was the only cloud in their “family happiness”. Anyone with eyes and half a brain in Winterfell must have seen this. I cannot imagine Ned sitting with Cat “look, I never cheated on you, Jon is the poor orphan my dying sister begged me to protect, but you must keep the cold shoulder on him, ok? No smiling, no extra lemon cake for the boy, or people will start asking questions! Why? Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, he’s a Targaryen, so we’re all technically traitors” kind of.

No, I imagine Ned foreseeing that Cat would change her attitude toward Jon, and that people would notice and wonder why. Of course Cat would have deserved the truth and the benefit of the doubt that she could handle herself in the situation, rather than a lie that was, indeed, emotionally destructive for her. It’s not that it didn’t matter to Ned, but he may have thought it was what he had to do, so no point discussing it. He suffered in silence for his wife’s pain and prayed the Old Gods that she one day could forgive. We have seen Eddard making decisions that hurt his family, because he thought it was the right thing to do.

I don’t mean to imply Ned was a bad man, or a heartless ass who didn’t care about his family and loved ones. I love this character, and this hyperbolic sense of duty that hurts him and the ones who love him, makes me very sad. The thought of Ned’s unwitnessed tears in front of the carved face makes me very sad. The idea that Bran may witness this lonely and unknown-to-him sadness of his father makes me very sad.