as in heartbreak

This is where I leave you. Here, where
all the kisses we shared are scattered
on the floor like war wreckage. Who
fought more, I wonder? My hands are
bloodier than yours, my cuts deeper. I have always loved with wild abandon while you were always so safe, so
careful. Why are you standing there
with one foot out of the door? I’m not
surprised, you always have. Say you love me but not enough to stay, not enough to clean this up. It’s too messy, my heart and dreams are all over this
place like tattered wallpaper, where is
yours? Is it in the suitcase, is it whole? This is where I leave you darling,
I will try not to look back, I will try not to look at the pictures on the wall, I will try not to love you anymore because it hurts, it hurts.
—  this is not home anymore // Genefe Navilon
It will happen one day. I will wake up and for the first time you will not be my first thought. Perhaps I will think of you occasionally throughout the day, a certain smell will trigger a memory or an image will make me remember you, but eventually all trace of you will fade. One day I will wake up and I will not think of you once. You will be forgotten.
The way I see it life is a blank canvas and it’s up to you to paint it. Society decided to paint it blue and if you don’t want to feel an outsider and be treated like one, you have to paint it blue as well. But time passes and you don’t feel like blue is right for you, but it seems okay for everyone else so you just keep pretending. And then one day, you discover the color pink and you feel good in it and don’t care if others think otherwise.
—  giulswrites

The first sin you commit is when you meet his eyes for the first time and your heart falls to your stomach. Your hands and lips fall loose, blood rushes to your cheeks. The devil stares back at you in all of his glory and you are parched for a taste of his religion.

The second sin you commit is when you talk about him with all of your friends. You’re going to try and convince them that he’s good for you and they won’t agree, but you were never going to listen to them anyways. He’s sitting inside your head with his fingers plunged inside your brain.

The third sin you commit is when you stand in front of the mirror and scold yourself for what you ate for dinner. You’re never going to fit into that dress that you brought specifically for him to like now, are you?

The fourth sin you commit is when you sacrifice your standards to meet his. You like the attention that he makes you beg for, because you have convinced yourself that nobody is going to want you like him. You are a victim of desperation and loneliness and he acts like he has never felt either of those things.

The fifth sin you commit is when you become an addict. All you ever think about is him. You’ll wonder if he thinks about you too, already knowing the answer. You’ll try to master the art of analyzing his behavior because he works like a cycle. The thought is going to bother you, but of course, you’re going to ignore it because your addiction will blind you.

The sixth sin you commit is when you say that you love him. You don’t. What you feel is not love. What you feel is toxic. What you feel will lead you to break, because love is not meant to bruise you more than it is meant to treat you with care. Sharp edges of his teeth are piercing apart your skin and you’re still begging for him to kiss you, don’t you get it?

The seventh sin you commit is when you admit to yourself that you were never going to be enough for him anyways. You’ll belittle yourself by calling yourself naive and it’ll drive you insane. You’ll count your flaws and suffocate. He’s going to sit back and watch you drown. You’re still madly going to hope that he’ll save you. He won’t.

I’m so in love with you.
For I love you at your best.
I still and will still love you
at your worse or worst.
Just let me love you
more than how you
had been loved before.
You deserve to be loved.
I love every piece of you.
I love you because it’s YOU.
—  Thoughts of Dessa // You
I always felt like I knew you inside and out like the palm of my hand, but I guess I didn’t. If you I knew you that well I wouldn’t be as surprised as I was when you left.
—  The moment I realized you didn’t know me at all
All you do now is tell me I’ve changed. Well guess what? I did. I’m not as nice as I used to be. I’m not getting dragged around anymore. Enough. I’m not as innocent as I used to be. What you did to me made me reckless. I’m a brand new person, and I know it’s better for me. I know how to protect myself now. It took me so much time to mend what you broke and become the person I am. You’re not ruining me again.
—  LM. People change People.
You ask me time after time, and I tell you no, that I’m not ready for anything more. But you beg and beg, and ask me why I won’t. “I just don’t want that to be all you want” I say, looking away from your face. You take my hand and I slowly look back up at you. “That’s not all I want, that’s definitely not all I want. I’m happy just being with you” you say. Even though I know it’s true, I can’t help feeling as if I’m going to cry. I lay back down on your chest and hold back that sick feeling. “I won’t ask you anymore. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” I half-smile, like one of those smiles when you’re pretending to be okay, but on the inside you’re crying. “It’s okay”, I softly reply. Those were the words I needed to hear. Now, if only those were the last words I heard. Soon enough, you ask just one more time, and I reply with the same answer. No, I can’t, and I won’t. The whole thing scares me. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s not that I wouldn’t do anything and everything for him, I’m just not ready yet. He needs to understand that. And I’m afraid that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose him. I’m afraid that if I keep saying no, he’ll eventually leave me for someone else who will. These worries flood my mind all the time. And although I know it’s not true, he wouldn’t leave me like that, I’m still afraid because I don’t know. I can’t afford to lose him. And if he really loves me like I know he does, he would understand.
—  I just don’t want to lose you… 3.24.17