ary's

the signs as things my friend's dad said
  • aries:does putin's me-me ban mean you cannot go to russia
  • taurus:we have a vodka fridge and a cheese fridge. take your pick
  • gemini:is this the boy you cry over? he is ugly. find another boy
  • cancer:i have not cried in ten years. i am not breaking this streak today
  • leo:do not touch the moustache. it looks good today
  • virgo:i would say your dress is short but you are too short
  • libra:you are not in trouble, no. you just broke a law
  • scorpio:you make a better son than my son
  • sagittarius:why is it 420? why not 480?
  • capricorn:i want a tap that pours alcohol instead of water
  • aquarius:if i were president i would let you have your me-mes.
  • pisces:is that putin is gay video real
when ur at a friends house and u tell them ur hungry
  • THIS IS WHAT UR FRIEND SAYS (not u, unless u are the friend) (u can look at moon too if u want)
  • ARIES:Mom!! they're hungry what food do we have?
  • TAURUS:the pantry is over there *points*
  • GEMINI:holy fcuk me too!! lets eat. what u want?
  • CANCER:do you want to eat now? or can you wait a little bit because we could make cookies or something
  • LEO:omg im so glad u said that. im gonna ask if we can order chinese food. brb
  • VIRGO:what do you want? i made these cupcakes yesterday but i also just learned this recipe for a green smoothie
  • LIBRA:omg im so sorry i should have asked! what do you want to eat?
  • SCORPIO:just go to the kitchen and eat whatever u want. just dont fucking touch my oreos.
  • SAGITTARIUS:i'll show you what we've got *opens fridge dramatically*
  • CAPRICORN:do not worry friend i was already prepared. *reveals the chocolate*
  • AQUARIUS:now that u mention it i am too. do you want to make bacon pancakes? its like pancakes but also bacon
  • PISCES:sure! what do you want? you can choose!
the kind of people you need to stop falling for

****could also be based on your venus, which can be found here  *******

aries: clingy people who hold you back from doing what you love. you’re allowed to have interests that don’t involve your partner, and you need them. 

taurus: flighty people who don’t give you a straight answer. you need someone who isn’t afraid to define your relationship & tell you that you’re their only one.

gemini: boring people. you need someone filled with energy and who’s going to laugh at your jokes, not someone who thinks they’re dumb. 

cancer: emotionally detached people. you have a ton of emotions and you deserve someone who understands that, not who’s going to say you’re overreacting. 

leo: cold and unaffectionate people. you need someone who’s going to return every hug & kiss, and who’ll reply to your texts with loads of hearts and smiley faces. 

virgo: people who are easily offended & self-absorbed. you need someone who will appreciate your constructive criticism, not someone who believes they could do no wrong. 

libra: someone who is selfish. you deserve a person who treats you fairly & gives you the affection you give them, not someone who takes & takes & takes with nothing in return. 

scorpio: shallow people. you need to find someone who understands your depth, not someone who is scared off by your intense, passionate feelings. 

sagittarius: someone who’s jealous & protective. you need a person who falls in love with your free spirit, not someone who is annoyed when you do something without them. 

capricorn: someone who is oversensitive and needy. you need someone who has their own life outside of yours, not someone who expects your world to revolve around the relationship. 

aquarius:  closed minded and judgemental people. you deserve someone who adores your quirks and crazy ideas, not someone who shuts them down & calls them weird. 

pisces: someone who is brash and insensitive. you deserve someone who listens to everything going on in your head, not someone who brushes it off and calls you a baby. 

What Makes The Signs Speechless

Aries: explosions and disney princesses
Taurus: new shows on netflix and antiques
Gemini: saturday night live and history(but the interesting stuff)
Cancer: the sun and moon and how everything is just so perfectly placed together like how
Leo: themselves (just kidding!) and evan peters
Virgo: cool new music and politics
Libra: video games and friendship
Scorpio: cats and pure darkness shedding its beauty on the world that not many know of because they’re too scared to look a little closer and examine the universe
Sagittarius: nature and science and how there’s an explanation for everything and how there’s also not and what are we doing on earth
Capricorn: money and art galleries
Aquarius: space and anarchy
Pisces: rainbows and puppies how are they so cute

How to handle the signs when they're angry
  • Aries:give them some space and let them cool off and then go talk with them
  • Taurus:sTOP ARGUING WITH THEM, just tell them they're right and apologize
  • Gemini:there's no helping you if you got a gem mad, move to another country before they ruin your entire life
  • Cancer:do NOT insult them, apologize, apologize, aPOLOGIZE, and throw in some compliments
  • Leo:don't even TRY to be condescending, just hear them out and try to make amends by being fRIENDLY.
  • Virgo:just say you're sorry, they're pretty understanding
  • Libra:good luck
  • Scorpio:just apologize and don't EVER do what made them angry EVER AGAIN.
  • Sagittarius:apologize and buy them something they like as a peace offering
  • Capricorn:definitely give them some time to blow off some steam and then talk it out
  • Aquarius:honestly, they won't be mad for long, just be nice and say you're sorry and if that doesn't work just leave them alone
  • Pisces:(how did you even manage to get a Pisces mad at you they're like little angels) just be nice and apologize and bE GENTLE.
the signs as random moments

Aries: When you’re talking to someone and they have the biggest smile on their face and they just make you feel happy

Taurus: when you know realize how important someone is to you and that feeling of never wanting them to leave

Gemini: when you’re talking to someone and you never want the conversation to end

Cancer: that moment when you realize you can trust someone with anything you throw their way

Leo: when you’re having a bad day and someone knows how to make you smile and laugh when no one else can

Virgo: that gut instinct when you just know what the right thing to do is

Libra: that feeling when you talk to someone for the first time and you automatically know you’ll be best friends

Scorpio: when its night and all the stars out out and everything is just peaceful

Sagittarius: uncontrollably laughing with your best friend to the point where you don’t even remember what was funny in the first place

Aquarius: that one person who gives you their honest opinion when everyone else tells you what you want to hear

Capricorn: when you finally get to sit down after a long day of hard work

Pisces: when you meet someone who accepts you for who you are and doesn’t judge you

Just White People Things™

Aries: Fighting people who question your straightness and/or khakis

Taurus: Mustard being spicy

Gemini: Ordering starbucks with your bff4l

Cancer: Clapping after a plane landing

Leo: Meninism

Virgo: Standing in line

Libra: Westboro baptist church

Scorpio: Showing your junk on chatroulette

Sagittarius: Thinking cultural appropriation is fine

Capricorn: Making more money for nO REASON AT ALL

Aquarius: Fuckboys

Pisces: Posting pictures of veiny arms

The signs as Pitch Perfect quotes

aries: “I’ve wrestled crocodiles and dingoes simultaneously” - Fat Amy

taurus: “I’m gonna finish him like a cheesecake!” - Fat Amy

gemini: “We shall begin by drinking the blood of the sisters that came before you.” - Aubrey

cancer: “Sisters before misters.” - Bumper

leo: “You are gonna get pitch-slapped so hard that your man boobs are gonna go concave.” - Fat Amy

virgo: “Chloe, could you please get your head out of your ass? It’s not a hat!” - Aubrey

libra: “Oh! Yeah, I’m pretty confident about… *gestures to her body* all of this.” - Chloe

scorpio: *cough* “Slut.” - Fat Amy

sagittarius: “I set fires to feel joy.” - Lilly

capricorn:  “Horizontal running…” - Fat Amy

aquarius: “Wanna do something else? We could re-live my parents’ divorce. Or visit a gynecologist?” - Beca

pisces: “Sometimes I have the feeling that I can do crystal meth but then I think, mmm, better not” - Fat Amy

12 Zodiac Sign Personalities

Aries: likes peace, are extremely thorough, responsible, dependable, and hard-working, has lots of will-power, and can accomplish any tasks they set their mind to and usually does.

Taurus: Are quiet. analytical and introspective, has excellent skills with mechanical things, are risk-takers who live for the moment, are usually interested in and talented at extreme sports. They are loyal to others, are strong in their values, but not overly concerned with respecting laws and rules if they get in the way of getting something done.

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