Arthur is in the library book, reading a scary book to himself. Oh wait, it’s not a scary book. It’s a book of fairy tales. Ha-ha, what a punk. He gets scared by reading fairy tales. Even I don’t get scared by fairy tales anymore—not since I put in that nightlight in my room.
Arthur says that he used to think fairy tales were babyish but they’re actually really cool with tons of adventure, talking animals, horrifying depictions of sex and graphic violence. “The Brothers Grimm make Stephen King look like Stephanie Meyers,” says Arthur. He decides to tell us the story about how he got into fairy tales.
“Once upon a time, there was a boy named Arthur whose dad was an amazing cook,” Arthur begins.
Arthur leaves out the part where his dad is also a full blown alcoholic who spends his days watching Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Some people might say that’s because it’s not canon but I say it’s because Arthur doesn’t want to mess with the Y7 rating.
At Casa de Read, David has managed to sober up long enough to make a wedding cake and guys, I just ate lunch but it sounds sooooo goooooood—chocolate fudge brownie with vanilla custard topped with butterscotch frosting and peanut butter toffee. Oh man. David should stop devoting his time into being the next Guy Fieri and try to become the next Cake Boss.
Arthur, like any other warm blooded living creature, wants a piece of that cake. Now I’m thinking of the Rihanna song.
It’s not even his wedding
But Arthur want to lick the icing off
You know he want it in the worst way
Can’t wait to blow the candles out
Arthur wants that cake, cake, cake, cake
Cake, cake, cake ,cake, cake
Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake
Cake, cake, cake
But alas, since it’s for a wedding, Arthur cannot have a slice. Drunk!David might have let it slide but Buddy Valastro!David is serious about his catering business. He tells Arthur that Grandma Thora will probably make them cookies when she babysits.
Disappointed, Arthur goes to school but he can’t stop thinking about that cake. When Buster mentions that he thought the history test was a piece of cake, Arthur freaks out like meth addict who hasn’t tweaked in weeks and demands to have a slice. Buster makes a mental note not to give Arthur his marijuana from the Hungarian. He asks Arthur what the dealio is. Arthur explains about the cake and how Grandma Thora will be babysitting and will most likely make one of her disastrous meals.
Buster suggests that just in case, Arthur should stock up on real food: candy.
Arthur eats candy before heading down to dinner, filling up his stomach just so he doesn’t have to subject himself to his grandmother’s tuna noodle…thing. However, it turns out that David cooked before he left so Grandma won’t have to cook! “Hooray!” shouts D.W. “I mean, how nice. You don’t have to cook, Grandma,” she quickly recovers.
D.W. came back good from that one. You ever wonder if the reason David is a cook because he had to learn fast otherwise he would have had to keep eating Grandma Thora’s food all his life?
Even though Arthur already ate, he eats the roast chicken dinner. Then, Grandma Thora announces that she has a surprise for them: David left them slices of the wedding cake.
But oh no! Arthur’s stomach is all, “Arthur, we can’t handle anymore! There’s no more room in here!” and Arthur is all, “Shut up stomach! You MAKE room!”
He promises himself to only have a bite but later when the family retires to the den, D.W. scolds him for having two slices of cake. By now, Arthur has a huge stomach ache so Grandma Thora offers to read to him. D.W. asks her to read fairy tales and Arthur protests because they’re for little kids. Grandma Thora promises that the fairy tales will be exciting enough for him and begins to read.
Hansel and Gretel, or Arthur Looks Ridiculous in Lederhosen
Arthur wakes up in a deep, dark forest. D.W. explains that they had been using bread crumbs to try to find their way back but someone with the muchies aka Buster has ruined their trail. Arthur proposes that they keep going and hope that someone will take them in. Along the way, the two complain about their German folk costumes because they’re freezing their butts off. “Make it work!” shouts Tim Gunn from the Bravo network.
They reach a house that is entirely made out of food—the walls are covered in chocolate chips, the windows are fruit roll up, and there’s even junk food mail! The owner of the house, a Mr. Ratburn look alike, sees them. I don’t know if Mr. Ratburn is supposed to be a witch or a wizard but Arthur addresses him as “sir” so I guess he’s a male witch.
Mr. Witch takes the kids to the Sugar Mall to buy a new oven. If that wasn’t an opportunity to get away from a guy who blatantly wants to eat you, I don’t know what it is. Mr. Witch locks the kids up and D.W. tries to lick their way out of their jail cell since the bars are made of candy canes, but Arthur is too full to contribute to the prison break.
At any rate, they are saved by the Tibble twins—er, septuplets –who push Mr. Witch into the oven and free D.W. and Arthur. Unfortunately, they think D.W. is their princess, Doe White, and kidnap her so she can set them down for nap time.
D.W. is not thrilled to take care of dwarves named Pesky, Whiny, Grouchy, Angry, Noisy, Creepy, and Stinky so she begs Arthur to go to Grandma’s house and get help.
Little Red Riding Hood, or Did You Eat Grandma?
Arthur runs through Elwood City to get to Grandma Thora’s house. On the way, Binky makes fun of hus nerdy lederhosen so Arthur grabs a red cape to disguise himself.
He arrives to Grandma Thora’s house and finds her looking…very different. She’s got creamy skin, frosted hair, and eyes as dark as chocolate chips—she’s the wedding cake, guys. They do the whole “My what big x you have” routine except in a twist, Grandma jumps up and allows herself to be swallowed up by Arthur.
D.W. bursts in and yells at Arthur for eating Grandma. Someone in the YouTube comments that the line sounds like something out of a porno. A very sick porno, might I add. Buster joins in and offers to cut Grandma Thora out of Arthur’s stomach. Just as he’s about to raise his axe, Arthur wakes up.
D.W. teases Arthur for being scared and Grandma Thora gives him medicine for his stomach.
Jack and the Beanstalk, or TIMBERRRRRRR!
Arthur falls back asleep and he is taken back to Fairy Tale land where D.W. is yelling at him for selling her Mary Moo Cow doll for magic beans.
A beanstalk sprouts up and D.W. tells Arthur to climb it and find her another toy. Man, D.W. is a bit of a ball buster and she’s younger than Arthur.
Arthur climbs up all the way to the top (“Why couldn’t I have dreamed an elevator for this?”) and discovers a castle shaped like a wedding cake. He goes inside and finds a Silly Goose (from Confuse the Goose) and decides to take it to D.W.
However, the giant arrives and he is made up of all the food Arthur has ever eaten–all eight and a half years of it. I don’t even want to think about what my food giant would look like.
Arthur makes a break for it and reaches the bottom. He tells D.W. they need to run away but Buster shows up and reveals himself to be a licensed beanstalk cutter. He cuts down the beanstalk and the Read kids are safe!
Arthur wakes up and lets out a humongous burp, finally feeling better.
Arthur concludes the episode by telling us that from then on, he never ate too much candy and lived happily ever after.
And then a chocolate bar falls out of his book.
Well, I guess for him it’s just desserts.
Grade: A+ (This is a really fun episode with the reimagining of classic fairy tales and the fourth wall breaking the characters do. Plus the food porn is fantastic. It’s funny and smart.)
and here is my camelot dream cast since no one asked but i want to anyway and yes im aware most aren’t realistic
orlando jones as merlin (i have always said i want someone very funny playing merlin……….like basically i want a comedian but orlando jones also fits my bill) (will someone tweet him this for me please) (he actually might listen)
jonathan rhys meyers as arthur (shhhhhh let me have it)
lindsay morgan as guinevere (she plays such a tough awesome character on the 100, which is currently not filming, so, that i think it would really translate. she was the only reason i held onto the 100 as long as i did tbh)