I got an email from Tumblr today telling me that it is the 6-year anniversary of my Ambivalently Yours Tumblr page. 6 years, seems like a lifetime ago. It was an emotional time. I was about to enter my final semester of grad school, and while I had come up with the name Ambivalently Yours, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it yet. I was also feeling really vulnerable because Grad school was an expensive and emotional investment for me. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well, to have my shit together, to be this strong and stoic feminist artist who would be taken seriously upon graduation. Of course, my attempt at being strong and stoic was misread as me being too quiet and lacking confidence and almost got me held back in school, and it was only when I had a huge emotional meltdown and cried in front of my teachers that I really had a breakthrough with my work. That breakthrough being that I couldn’t make art without putting messy emotions into it. Tumblr was that place for me where I felt safe enough to share that messy self. It was a place where I found a community of like-minded in-betweeners who I felt comfortable enough being vulnerable with. I know that this won’t last forever. I see the engagement dying down and moving to other platforms that are more fragmented and less conducive to intense exchanges. But these conversations will find other places to exist and for now I’m just grateful that it happened and that I was able to be a part of it.
Usually when I feel lonely it’s not because I don’t have people around me it’s because no one seems to think the way I do. That being said, I feel alone because I’m surrounded by so many people that don’t know who I am.