i was walking my pup through the streets of our neighborhood this morning and i started thinking about you and all of the false ‘you’s i’ve met in my life.
there have been the men who throw those three little words out to me within the first two weeks of dating. the men who rest their hand on my thigh, look me in the eye, and accelerate much too fast for the tight streets we’re driving on. the men who literally let go of me and walk away when they find that i’m not looking for a temporary placeholder. the men who have brought me rock climbing in the morning, beer festivals in the afternoon, and an art fair in the evening. the men who find the corner tables of a lowly lit bar and let their intense eye contact speak louder than their weak words. the men who have spewed lies since day one. the men who plan a morning of church and breakfast with me while we chat about all of the dogs we’d like to adopt. the men who have taken advantage of me at age sixteen, nineteen, and a few other times throughout my twenties. the men who have put their hand on the small of my back to gently guide me through a door and walk me to my car without pushing boundaries. the men who have intrigued me and the men who have bored me. the men who have met my brothers and fear how protective they are of me. the men who push through crowds and dull conversations with strangers to get to me. the men who lock eyes and ask questions in order to better know me. the men who tell me to get ready and that they’ll be at my house in twenty minutes to pick me up for a spontaneous date. the men who have brought me flowers, and the men who have not. the men who have shared their music and their thoughts. the men who have prayed for me and over me. the men who wait years to say anything and the men who waste no time at all. the men with false identities. the men who’s hearts have changed my own for the better.
and i am thankful for each one of them. for each one of them have taught me about masculinity, my own femininity, the heart and all that comes with it, my own racing pulse, and the lines i sometimes need to draw.
i feel you so deep in my heart, yet i am just as terrified to meet you and know you. you will see my past hurts; the way i sometimes tense up when you touch me, how i struggle looking someone in the eye when they compliment me, and how much it takes for me to commit. i hope you choose me despite these things, despite my past, and despite my being consumed by fear from time to time. i desire so much to see your hurts, your past, your humanness - and to love you, to choose you, to be with you because of and through those things.