arrested revolution

George Washington: Lee, I give you one thing to do in this battle and you can’t even do it. I mean if you tried and failed I’d understand but you didn’t even try.
Charles Lee: So I didn’t even fail and I don’t see you giving me credit for that.
George Washington: *takes a really deep breath trying not to scream*


Arrest Development- Revolution Classic!

“Now see, I understand what my people have said. They tell me to fight. Fight for the ancestors who are dead. For Harriet Tubman, Move Organization, David Walker, The Black Panthers, Kwame Nkrumah, Marcus Garvey, Jane Pittman…Revolution!”

"Let's Do a Revolution!" a play in one act by Stan Polson.

[Meeting of Communist Leaders]

Stalin: “Dudes, this is going to sound like an unlikely coincidence, but hear me out. All the enemies of the revolution are people I didn’t like in high school.”

Bukharin: “And some you liked.”

Stalin: “Naw.”

Trotsky: “There are pictures of you hanging out in the yearbook.”

Stalin: “Check again.”

Lenin: “Under no circumstances is Stalin to be allowed to lead the yearbook committee.”

Hoxha: “Yeah yeah yeah, listen. Yall are being seriously lax on your bunker technology research. Kennedy announced a ten year plan to put a bunker on the moon.”

Lenin: “I don’t think that’s…”

Hoxha: “All I’m saying is, yall ain’t riding my bunker coattails. Don’t come knocking on my bunkers expecting to get in. I ain’t the brick house pig.”

Mao Tse-tung: “We’re not starting a bunker arms race. Just spread out really thin.”

Kim Il-sung: “That’s not…”

Ho Chi Minh: “We can’t…”

Fidel Castro: “I don’t know if…”

Bernie Sanders: “Hey, sorry I’m late! Hope I didn’t miss the best 0.1% of the top 3% of the meeting!”

Everyone: “Who let you in here?”

Mikhail Gorbachev: “Guys, he’s fine. I can vouch for him.”

Everyone: “Who let YOU in here?”

Stalin [chipping ice for margaritas]: “Hey, Leon! A little help?”

Trotsky: “I’m, uh… I’ll go get us some real margaritas.”

Stalin: “What, in Mexico?”

Trotsky: “Yeah.”

Stalin: “Where in Mexico?”

Trotsky: “I, uh…”

Lenin: “Under no circumstances is Stalin to know where the good margaritas are.”

Castro: “Let’s do shots! Bunker Busters, coming up!”

Hoxha: “No! Let’s have Irish Car Bombs.”

James Connolly: “I got this.”

Muammar Gaddafi: “Sorry I’m late! I was picking up the group shirts.”

Everyone: “Those look ridiculous.”

Castro: “I dunno, I like ‘em.”

Kim Il-sung: “Anybody else hungry? Wanna order some Chinese take out? Ah, shit… forgot my wallet.”

Mao [audible groan]: “I can cover you.”

Lenin: “Alright, alright. Let’s call this meeting to order.”

Rosa Luxemburg: “I object!”

Lenin: “Ok, well um… I guess Rosa is making a motion to…”

Kropotkin: “Motions are tyranny.”

Lenin: “Ok, so I guess, uh, we can add that to the agenda.”

Bakunin: “No agendas.”

Gorbachev [slips the anarchists Nintendo Gameboys with Tetris]: “Please go on, Comrade Lenin.”

Lenin: “Right, so first order of business. Western aggression. Thoughts? Concerns?”

Everyone: “Yes! Absolutely! We must…”

Bernie Sanders: “Hey, what’s wrong with western aggression!?!?”

Stalin: “It’s fine. Leave it. Next item.”

Sanders: “Universal healthcare!”

Lenin: “We were unanimous on that like ten meetings ago. You really have to read the minutes, man.”

Stalin: “Gulags!”

Everyone [skeptical glances]

Stalin: “We can put them in bunkers.”

Hoxha: “Sold. I second the motion.”

Ho Chi Minh: “What are they for?”

Stalin: “Like, for prisoners and stuff.”

Ho Chi Minh: “Oh, oh right. We call them John McCaineries. That’s where we keep American pilots we shoot down.”

Stalin: “Whoa, check out Ho over here! Big Minh on campus, shooting down Americans!”

Castro: “Ballsy. I like it!”

Pol Pot: “I’m sorry, I’m a little lost. What’s a prisoner?”

Lenin: “You know what a prisoner is, Pol. It’s somebody you arrest for obstructing the revolution.”

Kim Il-sung: “Oh, is that who we’re supposed to arrest?”

Pol Pot: “Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. What does 'arrest’ mean?”

Castro: “To put in jail.”

Stalin: “To put in gulag.”

Mao: “To take in for reeducation.”

Kim Il-sung: “To put in labor ca…” [looks around] “I mean, to put in jail. Right. That’s what I was… I’m with you fellas.”

Luxemburg: “A true revolution doesn’t jail people.”

Pol Pot: “Yeah, see–that’s more what I was thinking.”

Luxemburg: “Such a self-defeating practice.”

Pol Pot: “Truly a terrible idea. I’m opposed to jails.”

Luxemburg: “Finally, someone sensible.”

Bakunin: “I feel like you two might be talking past one another.”

Eugene Debs [enters carrying brown bags]: “Yall order take-out?”

Stalin: “Eugene! Hell yeah! The party’s here now!”

Debs: “I can’t stay. Wish I could, but I got a bunch more stops.”

Bakunin: “Ah, man. You should blow that off. Hang out.”

Debs: “Some of us have real jobs.”

Bernie Sanders: “And those who do deserve a living wage, am I right? Up top!”

Everyone [groaning]

Sanders: “What’s wrong with a minimum wage increase? I thought you guys were socialists!”

Stalin [aside, to Ho Chi Minh]: “See, that’s what we were saying about gulags.”

Lenin: “Ok, well let’s take a recess for lunch.”

Luxemburg: “The concept of recess is predicated upon involuntary labor.”

Lenin: “God, I hate you so much.”

[Everyone freezes in tableau. Marx & Engels enter from opposite sides of the stage and address the audience.]

Marx: “Thesis. Antithesis. Synthesis.”

Engels [translating]: “We must find a way to merge together in a great Communist Voltron.”

Marx: “Revolutionary praxis.”

Engels [translating]: “The important thing isn’t the theorizing or the endless meetings or even necessarily finding consensus. It’s getting out there and doing the actual work.”

Marx: “Dictatorship of the proletariat.”

Engels [translating]: “You can always hang the revisionists afterward.”

Stalin [unfreezes, gives a thumbs up]