After listening to right wingers deflecting and left wingers blaming for Jared Lee Loughner’s killing spree, let me say this, Charles Manson said that one of his biggest influences for his killing sprees was The Beatles.
What I am trying to say is that there is no logic behind crazy. And Loughner, for all of his now known rants and youtube videos, is clearly mentally disturbed.
So, people, please, stop the blame game. I know everyone wants to find a logical reason as to why this man murdered so many people in order that they can prevent this tragedy from ever happening again but I have feeling that when the dust clears, there won’t be a logical reason. Just Loughner’s own personal reason.
“Nothing comes easily, fill this empty space.
Nothing is like it was, turn my grief to grace.
Nothing comes easily, where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace, I’ve lost everything.
I just want to feel your embrace.”
My Dearest Calliope,
I hope for once you have listened to me and saved this until the day as I asked you to. I like to think you have. I bet you look, wow Callie, I bet you look outstanding. I can only imagine the dress you have chosen. If you look half as beautiful as you did on our wedding day, then Penny really is as lucky as I already know her to be.
Firstly, I am so deeply, deeply sorry for keeping this from you for so long. You were so happy again, Callie and the day I came to find you, to tell you, and I caught you dancing in your hot pink underwear? I knew I had to be selfless for once, I knew I had to let you be free.
I thought the worst day of my life was the day you left me, for good. It was worse than Timmy dying, than the car crash and the plane crash and even worse than the night of the storm. We’d made love the night before and I fell asleep with your arm draped over my stomach and I didn’t cherish it enough because I didn’t know it would be the last time. You never know when it will be the last time.
And then last year hit me like a brick in the face. Cancer. And not only did I have an almost impossible to cure illness but also my ex-wife was getting married. That sucked.
I was so angry, Calliope. So god damned angry, all of the time. I was so full of this contempt for life again, because I was being left behind. You and Sofia, you have Penny now. She lives in the house we bought together, sleeps in the same bed, mothers my daughter, kisses my wife. And I know, I know that I am Sof’s mum and she loves me but I thought maybe all these feelings were because everyone was moving on and I was just stuck, watching from afar and… dying.
And then a few months ago, Sofia came home with this big folder of work she’d been doing in class and she wanted to show it all to me. She was, wow, she was so proud, Calliope, she was practically glowing! She showed me this project they’d all been doing in class about their families and she’d written this amazing speech about you and Mark and Lexie and about how her mama had fixed her heart and made her better and how she saved little babies and that’s when I knew I wasn’t scared about being left behind because my baby girl loves me so much so then I thought well, why am I so sad? Why can’t I sleep, why am I crying all the time? Despite the whole, dead in six months thing, of course.
And then it hit me. I’m sad because I’m completely, irrevocably in love with my ex-wife and… I’m dying. I’m dying and I’m in love with someone who will never, ever love me back and I couldn’t do a damned thing about either of those things.
I know now, I won’t be alive to see you walk down the aisle again and Pretty Penny should thank her lucky stars because I know I wouldn’t have been able to keep my hands off of you a moment longer once I laid eyes on the incredible dress I know you’re wearing. God Callie, I bet you look miraculous.
Had I been there today, had my body not given me the worst karma of all for all my sins, perhaps I would have been selfish one more time. Perhaps I wouldn’t have thought about how I would probably hurt you again and how you deserve so much better. Maybe I would have stood in the room with you while you dressed for the biggest day of your life and begged you not to commit yourself to someone else but to me. I’d have come out in full force with dimples and super magic smiles and love would have poured from my very being because that’s how you make me feel, Callie. Magical.
I have watched you with Penny and I know you love her. Maybe you love her as much as you loved me, maybe more. But I don’t think so. I don’t think you look at her and see the big love story we had. Because it was, well it was breath taking, Calliope. You were breath taking. But I do think she makes you happy and I do think you love her so please, my love, let her love you. You have to be strong for Sofia and for yourself and you have to let Penny be everything I couldn’t be for you both even if I was alive.
You owe me nothing, Calliope and I know that but there’s a few things I need to ask of you anyways.
Don’t let Sofia forget me. Tell her about me, tell her I loved big and I loved hard and I loved my sweet, sweet girl with every fibre of my being. Tell her I loved her Mamí that much too. Tell her I made mistakes, huge, devastating mistakes and that she will too and that it’s okay. Tell her the story of her Supermama when she is missing me, let her remember my love for her was what gave her life and never let her forget it. Remind her she is miraculous and beautiful and smart every single day. Tell her she can be anything she wants and love anyone she wants as long as she is always, always a good man in a storm. And when she cries, when she’s missing her mama and her daddy for the big things or the little things or any time at all, tell her we are there. Tell her we are together and we are so super proud of how awesome she is and… always make sure she never stops using the word awesome. It’s super cute.
Let her know it’s okay to cry for me. It’s okay to be so sad that sometimes she doesn’t even want to get out of bed. Tell her it’s okay to be angry, it’s even okay to smash things and scream and shout but tell her no matter what, she has to pick herself up, dust herself off and get on with the show. It’s what us Robbins’ do.
Tell our daughter to kickass, Calliope.
And lastly, we’re on to you.
You better cry for me, Torres. You better cry until you feel broken. You better scream and shout too, kick things, throw things, break a few bones. Mourn me. Mourn us. We were wonderful and my biggest regret will always be letting our story end too soon.
Think of me often, won’t you? Whenever you see someone with blonde hair and blue eyes or when someone says awesome in a bit too perky voice for so early in the morning. Think of me when you see wheelie sneakers and chickens and donuts. Remember how big we loved and how incredible it was. Remember how waking up next to me felt in the good times and how in love with me you were, once upon a time. Remember me for the good I did and not the bad I caused, please. Please Calliope, don’t remember me for how I hurt you but instead for how I loved you. How impossibly, completely in love with you I was.
So mourn me good and mourn me hard and remember me. But then, you move the hell on. You stop crying every day and store me away somewhere to think about on special days like birthdays and Christmas and maybe our anniversary. Let me go, let me be, let yourself be.
Let yourself love and laugh and be free. You so wanted to be free.
You best damn well dance in your underwear again, Calliope. I’m looking forward to the free show.
I think if Mark had a chance to say his goodbyes as I have been allowed to do, he would tell you again to walk tall. So walk tall, Callie. Walk strong, walk tall and be a rockstar. Be a badass surgeon, an incredible mom and be the woman with the mega-watt smile.
I love you, deeply and truly,
Yours in any way I can be, always.
Callie wiped her tears with the back of her hand, pointlessly she knew because an endless stream had left her dulled brown eyes since she’d arrived. Folding up the letter, the brunette held it against her chest as though somehow it made her closer to the woman she was missing so much she couldn’t breathe. Her own tears adorned the scribbles on the paper along with the already dried ones Callie assumed her ex-wife had shed whilst writing the heart wrenching words that had torn her insides out.
She tried to calm herself, stop the gut wrenching sobs that were bubbling from her throat constantly but it was relentless. The black, never ending hole, the one she’d found herself in since the woman she knew was the one big love of her life had died as she’d sung her to sleep, was relentless.
Arizona had imagined her brunette superstar, her soulmate, would read the letter on her wedding day. She’d imagine months and months after her death that Callie, her Calliope, would have picked herself up. That she’d read her letter, cry, smile, redo her make-up and then dance hard at her wedding day.
She didn’t expect her to read the letter at her graveside. She didn’t imagine the surgeon would still be falling apart, a wreck that no one could reach. She hadn’t ever let herself believe her ex-wife was still as in love with Arizona as she had been with her. She hadn’t known that despite the fact she’d been given a chance to say goodbye hours before the blonde slipped away, she would never forgive herself for not being there in the months leading up to the tragedy.
Arizona would never have known that the day she died, she took the biggest part of Callie with her.
“I can’t believe you still have this.” Sofia laughed holding up a crumpled picture she drew when she was little.
Callie’s hands shook as she took the yellowing picture from her daughter’s hands. “I still can’t figure out which is which.” she shook her head with a smile. She looked at the juvenile scrawls and many different shades of color before tucking a gray hair behind her ear.
Sofia took the picture back and turned it trying to figure out for herself. “I think this one is the jellyfish, and this one is the mermaid.”
“Mmm.” Callie sighed and took a sip of her now cool tea. “Your mother gave that to me.”
Folding the picture and carefully putting it back in it’s resting place, Sofia curiously tilted her head to the side. “Really?”
“I was having…problems at work. I had to go to court and something led to another and she found me crying in a bathroom.”
“Wait, isn’t that how you met?”
“No, no, we met because I was crying in a bar bathroom.”
Sofia shook her head and waved her hand. “Never mind, keep going.” the younger Torres wouldn’t admit it out loud, but hearing stories about her mothers together always made her giddy.
“She saw me upset so…she gave me a picture you drew in the car. This picture,” she said holding up the folded piece of paper. “She gave it to me so I would feel better, so when I was angry or upset, I could look at what you made and feel better.”
A long, reminiscent look filled Callie’s eyes, the brown orbs shimmering as they looked off somewhere Sofia could only imagine. “You miss her, don’t you?”
Callie stood up and walked over to the back of the living room, a picture of her and the blonde when they were much younger on one of their first dates. She smiled at the memory. “Yeah.”
“Do you still love her?” Sofia whispered.
Callie was about to open her mouth to answer when the subject at hand entered the room. “Dinner’s ready! I think we better eat soon before little Timmy has another fit. You excited to have some turkey?” she cooed to the chubby, dark haired baby in her arms. “Sofia, come get this cutie, grandma’s getting a little tired holding this tiny one.” she tickled her grandson’s tummy and her fading blue eyes shone at her grandson’s laughter.
Sofia got up to take her son in her arms and kissed his cheeks. “Come on, big boy, lets eat!” she squealed.
Arizona watched the two most important people in her life leave the room, a piece of hair, the lightest of blondes, falling into her wrinkling face catching Callie’s attention. “You ready to eat?” she asked.
Through the years, through the pain and loss and tragedies, Arizona still managed to contain some joy, some happiness that Callie loved to see every chance she got.
Shakily getting to her feet and walking up to her old lover, Callie couldn’t help but tuck the stray piece of hair behind Arizona’s ear. “Yeah.”
“Calliope,” Arizona blushed avoiding Callie’s eyes. “Let’s go eat.” she took Callie’s hand and led her to the dining room.