are you... seduced

  • Yuri Katsuki, the first half of this show: what did i do to deserve Viktor Nikiforov
  • Viktor Nikiforov, in his head, this entire time: I came to Japan for Yuuri Katsuki because he pole danced half naked, cha-cha-ed with me with a tie on his head, dry humped me while begging me to be his coach, probably saved me from oncoming desolation and depression, my life, my love, my-
  • Yuuri Katsuki, episode 10: i did wHAT
Creative Use of Magic

My players are using Ant Haul and the party trox to carry over six tons of iron in a palanquin to smuggle it past the two guards on duty at the city gate.
Bard: Two guards you say?? -grinning widely- I cast Matchmaker on them.
DM: Oh crap. -both fail their saving throws-
DM: Well… the two of them are now glancing at each other and blushing.
Bard: Aww, they’re in love. So now it won’t be weird when I cast Unnatural Lust.
DM: -Nat 19- Oh! He makes it!Bard: Unnatural Lust on the other one then!
DM: -fails- Fuck. He suddenly sprints across the road and tackles his partner into the bushes.
Trox: I lift the iron and run into the city!
DM: So… You just smuggled over six tons of smelted iron into the city by making the guards outside fuck.

according to sam, the pigeon that lives outside his window wakes up every morning and yells “HELLO EVERYONE I AM GORGEOUS” and someday i wanna be that confident
You do what?

Context: I just joined a Homebrew 5e campaign and decided to be the party politician (aka the Bard). I had such high deception, and in the first meeting this happened.

DM: A single beautiful lady stands before you. Genshi and Orao (NPCs) freeze and step backwards.

Me: I wave and say hello. *A moment of silence passes*

DM: The lady seems unnerved. Orao tells you she is the queen of hell and Master of Deceit.

*Short battle follows where our party member who is a dragon flew into the air and I made false images of us to run past the goddess*

DM: So you all ran out of the crash zone.

Me: I’d like to make the me illusion blow the goddess a kiss.

Everyone: You do what?

DM after recovering from shock: She seems confused and stares at the false you.

*After dragon crashes and pins the goddess down*

Me: I’d like to hit on the goddess.

DM: You’re a girl character right? Okay, she is insulted that a lesser being is hitting on her.

*Even later*

Me: I’d like to convince her she’s actually into me.

Everyone: Good luck. Roll for it.

Me: 30 *Stunned silence. DM looks at my sheet. Rolls, buries his face in his hands, and sighs sadly*

DM: You just seduced the fucking Queen of Hell.

Caressing staff.

I joined an adventure league game recently and first combat I get a nat one to hit twice in a row playing a dragonborn monk.

Kriv(me): attacks a goblin with quarterstaff as versatile. (Nat 1)
Dm: you lightly caress the goblin with your staff.
Kriv: I use my unarmed attack as a bonus action. (Nat 1)
Dm: you gently caress his other cheek.

Goblins turn.(nat 1.) he caresses you with the tip of his sword.

Kriv: I use my fire breath. *Both goblins pass the save and take 5 damage.*
Dm: they felt the heat of your passion.

2

Playing hard to get when your crush asks if you want to take a photo with him is a surefire way to get him to pay attention to you.

Too sexy for his own good.

We had recently found (or maybe stolen) some nice weapons. We went to a library to find out more information about them. Our human rogue went to talk to one of the librarians to ask for help.

Rogue: can I seduce her?

DM: why?

Rogue: Why not?

DM: Ok… roll charisma…

Rogue: *rolls 1* ……

DM: Uhm, ok… your penis falls off…

We learned nothing and had to take him to a nearby hospital to have it sewn back on. He tried something very similar on one of the nurses and it happened again…