are you shitting me mal

shitty things malaria has done

A Comprehensive Study by snarkydarkling: 

  • ignores alina’s existence for ¾ of S&B even tho he’s supposed to be her best friend like ??? ok there friend of year 
  • “omg alina is actually fucking hot now??? hands off! i saw her first!” 
  • shames alina for daring to fit in at the little palace
  • shames alina for ….wearing black?? ha ha ha ha ok who made malaria the fashion police????
  • shames alina for daring to crush on someone who isn’t him even tho he’s probably banged half the first army 
  • shames alina for being well off for once (”And here you are, safe and sound, dancing and flirting like some cosseted little princess.”) yEAH FUCK YOU TOO MALARIA AJSHAKJDHSFK (ノಥ益ಥ)ノ ┻━┻
  • “I love you, Alina, even the part of you that loved him” like whoa talk about a backhanded compliment and if we’re gonna keep holding ex-lovers against each other then alina might as well have responded with “yeahhh i love you too malware, even the part of you that fucked zoya, kissed ruby, and fingered anya” like oh my god mal get a fucking grip
  • he’s literally the happiest son of a bitch in the entire country at the beginning of s&s, completely ignoring the fact that alina is now sickly, weak, and terribly unhealthy because she’s suppressing her powers like he literally could not give two shits about alina’s well-being aS LONG AS HE’S DOING WELL THATS ALL THAT MATTERS (And you know he’s extra gross when even the villain of the fucking series is like ?? da fuq are you holding yourself back for ??? you look miserable??) 
  • when they’re on the darkling’s ship he’s more worried that alina might end up enjoying herself with darkles than like…oh, idk..getting fucking tortured by him???
  • actually ATTACKS nikolai for daring to make a sensible proposal to alina 
  • mal@nikolai: “You don’t have a right to her.” me@mal: HAHAHAHA STFU YOU SELFISH ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT OH MY GOD THE IRONY
  • doesn’t even let alina answer nikolai’s proposal bc why would his girlfriend need to think for herself??? have her own agency??? 
  • straight up admits he doesn’t even want to help ravka he just wants to get in alina’s pants 
  • whines and complains and generally acts like an oppressed fuckboi the entire time alina is trying to rebuild the second army and save her goddamn country 
  • “since i dont fit in for once in my life, im gonna act like an immature shithead and make your life miserable too wah wah wah” 
  • omg alina dares to flinch when malaria tries to kiss her? should we let her explain herself or should we act like crybaby and go shove our tongues down zoya’s throat? 
  • “psshhh its YOUR fault i kissed zoya!!! if you hadn’t dared to reject my magnificent self then i wouldn’t have had to kiss her obvs!!!11!” 
  • “omg i can’t believe you care about saving your country more than fucking me?? selfish bitch!!!” 
  • “i dont care that ravkas in a civil war and you’re our only hope of winning!! im going thru an identity crisis and i need you to stroke my ego 24/7!!!! im not a soldier, im not a tracker, so who am i alina/?? TELL ME WHO AM I???” a plague is what you are, you diseased prick 
  • i liked you better when you were insecure and powerless. where is that girl??? i want her back!!!!” 
  • “how dare you crush on a prince who actually treats with the respect you deserve??? fucking gold-digger!!!” 
  • abandons alina during his shift because he was too busy getting drunk and nearly lets her fucking die if toyla hadn’t intervened like yOU HAD ONE GODDAMN JOB MALARIA 
  • sabotages alina’s plan to kill the darkling 
  • spends all of r&r resenting having to help alina & nikolai save the goddamn country like can you make it any more obvious you’re only here to try and get into alina’s pants again???? 
  • “i am become a blade” is probably the most unintentionally hilarious and anti-climatic conclusion to mal’s irrelevant identity crisis like yes, good for you malaria, you’ve finally embraced your identity as a tool 
  • “listen i don’t have an army or a crown but if you don’t choose me you’re basically a gold-digging materialistic whore but no pressure lmao” 
  • hades was so repulsed by mal’s gross ass that he sent him back two seconds later