are you a giraffe or what

Relationships are scary and complicated ONLY when you start thinking of your partner as some kind of adversary. 

You know how to stop being scared of relationships? Remember that it’s got a goddamn buddy system *built in*. That’s all a relationship IS: “Let’s approach life with the buddy system.”

Check on your buddy. Make sure your buddy doesn’t forget their lunch box on the schoolbus. Hold hands with your buddy so you don’t get lost. If your buddy wants to look at the monkey cage, look at the goddamn monkey cage with them. If you are the one looking at the monkey cage, ask your buddy what they want to do next, and when they want to feed the giraffe, help them find a quarter for the little food dispenser. Be a good buddy, and if your buddy isn’t a good one too, tell the teacher and ask for a new one.

This isn’t fucking rocket science, people. 

Fun animal facts I have learned being a zoo docent

1. There are several ways to classify the large cats, one of the more useful ones is into the roaring cats (tigers, lions) and the purring cats (bobcats, lynxes). The puma (also known as the mountain lion) is the largest cat that purrs. I’ve heard it up close, it’s amazing. A cheetah’s purr sounds like an idling motorcycle engine.

2. Kangaroos cannot move their legs independently of each other, they have to move them in sync - when they’re on land. When they’re swimming, they can move them separately. Hopping is their most efficient way to move - a walking kangaroo is awkward as hell. They swing both legs forward using their tail as a third leg to prop up while their legs swing.

3. People often think that flamingoes’ knees bend the wrong way. They don’t - the joint you’re seeing in the middle of their leg isn’t their knee, it’s their ankle. Their knee is up by their body, and it bends the same way ours does.

4. Giraffes only sleep 1-2 hours a day.

5. Bald eagles’ vocalizations are not what you expect. When you see a flying bald eagle in the movies and hear that majestic caw sound? That isn’t an eagle, it’s been dubbed over with another bird, usually a red-tailed hawk. Bald eagles actually sound…not majestic. Kind of like if a kitten could be a bird.

6. Elephants are one of only a handful of animals that can pass the mirror test - in other words, they can recognize their own reflection (and not think it’s another animal, as dogs and cats usually do). They tested this by placing a chalk mark on an elephant’s forehead and then showing it a mirror. The elephant investigated the mark on its own forehead, indicating it knew that it was looking at itself.  The only animals that pass this test are the higher primates, the higher cetaceans (orcas, dolphines), elephants, and weirdly, magpies.

7. One-fifth of all the known mammal species are bats.

8. A kangaroo mother can have three joeys simultaneously at different stages of development: an embryo in her womb (kangaroos can do what’s called embryonic diapause which means sort of putting the development on pause until she’s ready for it to develop further), a joey in her pouch attached to one nipple, and a joey out of the pouch on the ground who nurses from the other one. The amazing thing? Each of her nipples make different formulations of milk for each joey’s different nutritional needs.

9. Bonobos, our closest genetic relative (they are more closely related to us than they are to either chimps or gorillas) are almost entirely non-aggressive, matriarchal, and use sex to solve all their problems. They engage in both same and opposite sex interactions, non-penetrative sex (oral, rubbing, manual) and with any age. That’s an interesting area to work in, lemme tell you.

10. Tortoises have super loud sex. Like, really loud.

11. All grizzlies are brown bears, but not all brown bears are grizzlies (grizzlies are a sub-categorization of the brown bear).

12. Reindeer are the only deer species where both males and females grow antlers. The males shed theirs the beginning of December, the females shed theirs in the spring. So all of Santa’s reindeer are girls, heh. I love telling little kids that.

13. If a rhinoceros knocks off its horn, it grows back faster than you’d expect. One of ours, Rosie, has knocked hers off twice.

14. Gorillas get crushes on each other. And on the humans that take care of them. Male gorillas also masturbate. I don’t know if the females do, I’ve never seen it. Sometimes it’s like a soap opera up in there.

15. Langur monkeys are silvery-gray in color - their babies are bright orange. Like Cheeto orange, I do not exaggerate.

16. Polar bear fur is not white, it’s transparent, like fiber optics. Also, their skin is black.

100 Dialogue Prompts
  1. “Where the hell did that baby come from, Marissa?!" 
  2. “Did you destroy the world AGAIN?”
  3. "What do you mean you’re a serial killer?”    
  4. “Listen, you can’t just keep shoving people off the sides of cliffs.”
  5. “Oh my god. I thought you were dead.”
  6. “That wasn’t there before”
  7. “So what now?” “I have no idea, I thought that would kill us”
  8. “I can’t believe you’re married to death, again!”
  9. “Assassination would seem to be a better career, with your skillset.”
  10. “It’s not my fault that the snails committed mutiny!”
  11. “It’s situations like this that make me question why I follow you anywhere.”
  12. “Where did this dog come from?”
  13. “Did you remember to take the skin off?”
  14. “I was going to ask what you’re doing, but at this point, I don’t think I want to know.”
  15. “Why is there a corpse in the bathtub?”
  16. “What in tarnation”
  17. “I love you, I’ll make you love me too”
  18. “This would be a lot easier if you sat still.”
  19. “You see, it all began when it spoke back.”
  20. “This is the pit where we keep the cube that screams.”
  21. “Why did you steal my door?”
  22. “Why didn’t you just listen to me…”
  23. “Hey, you finally made it!”
  24. “Wait, there were only three of them. Why are there now four?”
  25. “How do you ‘accidentally’ hit someone hard enough to rip a hole through time and space?”
  26. “Why is there bloodstains on the floor, honey?”
  27. “… Why are you… eating tacos at 3 AM?” “Why not?”
  28. “Why would you train your gerbil army to take over the world and enslave humanity?!”
  29. “Are toasters supposed to float?”
  30. “Honey, did you eat the dog”
  31. “Hey bro, where’s our sister?” “Um… we don’t have a sister.”
  32. “Wanna help me steal a giraffe?”
  33. “I told you that you would regret it, now we’ve ended up like this.”
  34. “Why are your clothes all wet? Why are you covered in glitter? Why does your sister have wings? Ah- get off the carpet! It’s getting all wet!”
  35. “You’re not actually sure, are you?”
  36. “What do you expect me to do? I’m a magician, not a wizard!”
  37. “Dad? What are you doing here? This is a spaceship.”
  38. “Mom says I can’t burn the city hall with you. She said that we’re going to my aunt that day.”
  39. “You….you just don’t understand..”
  40. “Okay, so. No more caffeine for you, that’s apparent.”
  41. “Where were you last night?”
  42. “Okay but have you seen what my hair does?! I kills people!”
  43. “I don’t think you understand the term 'dead or alive’, because I don’t know if this thing IS dead or alive”
  44. “What do you mean, ‘there wasn’t a murder weapon’?”
  45. “Time flies, but I can fly faster.”
  46. “You just crashed with MY podship into that wall and all you say is »It’s just a scratch«?”
  47. “Now sweetie, don’t get scared when you hear the gunshots, okay? Just don’t come to the house.”
  48. “and… why do you have a gorilla in your room again?”
  49. “Okay, last question: why is there an owl in the fridge?”
  50. “Well shit, you’re hotter than i was expecting.”
  51. “It turns out, space isn’t actually the final frontier”
  52. “If I had hands right now I would choke you.”
  53. “…why did you think it would be a good idea to set that on fire?”
  54. “Close your eyes, sweetie. They can’t get you then.”
  55. “That tiger, that tiger eats humans”
  56. “I swear, if ONE more person comes at me with their hot dog buns–”
  57. “If you would have just kissed them, we wouldn’t be in this mess! Now we’re tied up on traintracks about to be smushed like bugs!”
  58. “Do I want to know why your'e in my apartment wearing only sport shorts which are quite tight?”
  59. “What do you mean that woman wasn’t you?”
  60. “Why is there a dog on the couch?!”
  61. “Stop dude stop, you scared the dogs.”
  62. “What on earth made you think the banana was a good idea?
  63. "Do I want to know whats in the box”
  64. “Wait, no! Please don’t leave me here, it’s getting dark. Have you not heard the stories of the things in these woods?”
  65. “Those were shoes yesterday”
  66. “Can I at least put on my socks first?”
  67. “Why is the Devil in your living room?” “It’s Saturday, Tom. Date night.”
  68. “John, get your damn death ray off of my cat’s bed. You’ve given poor Fluffy radiation poisoning!”
  69. “I get it, you think I don’t care about you. You think I want nothing to do with you… And you’re right.”
  70. “No. Not after last time.”
  71. “What made you think you could survive this?”
  72. “No! I never said you could reenact General Sherman’s Total War tactic from the Civil War! We’re gonna get arrested!”
  73. “Why does our 8 y/o daughter think that THAT werewolf is her pet dog?! He’s been terrorizing our entire town!!”
  74. “Have you even bothered to consider your options before deciding to bungee jump into the Pacific?”
  75. “That is NOT how you bury a dead body, Jared!”
  76. “Do you know where the cat is? I haven’t seen it in two weeks…”
  77. “You did what?!” “It’s not that big of a deal” “You killed a man!”
  78. “But you love me, don’t you? So you’ll forgive me.”
  79. “I don’t care.”
  80. “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that, right?”
  81. “You’d be surprised how flexible a sloth can be.”
  82. “Oh great, the world exploded…. again”
  83. “I dressed up for THIS?”
  84. “Why? And how?”
  85. “Would it hurt you to tell me exactly where we’re going?”
  86. “You can’t take back those words anymore. Or everything else you did.”
  87. “he didn’t do anything I fucking told him to do!”
  88. “When they came, why didn’t you fight?”
  89. “What are you doing here?” “I was about to ask you the same thing…” “Well, it’s called the hanging tree for a reason.”
  90. “__, please come down from the tree, i’ll treat you to pizza.”
  91. “You can… seriously? Oh my gosh, teach me teach me teach me!!”
  92. “I wasn’t aware that 'monster’ was a term of endearment.”
  93. “Yes, I’m sure your flower pot really is trying to kill you, Debra.”
  94. “Why is our child on the roof?”
  95. “Do you want a hug? Will that help?”
  96. “How could you sign us up for this without reading the fine print?! It says right there that we have to give up everything!!!”
  97. “And it’s been stuck in there how long now?”
  98. “I learned I can’t trust you when the world was "fine”, now tell me one reason not to place a bullet between your eyes and listen to you.“
  99. “Why the hell are you naked in my room?”
  100. "Having criminals line up against their will and you killing them is not community service!”

100 prompts. Amazing. Thank you for sharing your ideas and contributing to our community.

Let’s make a new list right now! Leave a reply and don’t forget the double quotes “”! I will use the first 100 prompts for the next list. One prompt per amigo please!

Houses as Quotes from my Physics Class
  • Gryffindor: "It's not just a sword, it's a weapon."
  • Hufflepuff: "C'mon, what's the point of having a pet giraffe if you don't put it in roller skates?"
  • Ravenclaw: "Yes, the cow- and what kind of cow is it again? That's right, a chocolate milk cow. That is obviously very important to the question."
  • Slytherin: "You'd make a good detective. You have those serial killer instincts that could help you figure out their motives."
Another set of sentence prompts!

“No, you don’t deserve ice cream!” 

“Please stop calling it your lair.” 

“I want a lion.”

“I’ll be the guard dog.” 

“Do you HATE happiness?!“ 

"Okay, I got a pla- oh." 

"What are your thoughts on giraffes in turtlenecks?”

“ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY BONKERS?!" 

"’We’re not going to die’? We’re not going to die?! Well it bloody feels like we’re about to die!”

“At least breathe in between bites!”

“You’re strangely nonchalant for someone who almost died a minute ago.”

“Who are these people?!”

“That was definitely my finest hour.”

“You are not going to have a good day.”

“Use the little scanny thing.”

“Ow, you shot me in the face!”

“Behind you!”

“Listen, it’s for science.”

“I didn’t even have to do anything.”

“Dude, this is romantic as fuck.”

“I’m in your mind…” “Great, just what I needed, more useless crap in there.”

“Anyone want to sing along?”

“I can save you.” “No, you can’t.”

“I don’t want to be rude, but you’re here to do an actual job.”

“Are you humming?” “It’s my theme song, I need it for confidence!”

“Let’s talk dirty to each other.” “Babe… we’re at work. Remember? Professional. Behavior. Please.”

“That looks infected.” “It’s fine.” “You’re dying.” “Well… that’s fine too.”

“Crickety crack, that’s really wack.”

100 Dialogue Prompts: Part 3

And we did it again, amigos! 

  1. “My sock is missing.”
  2. “I must say it can be rather therapeutic”
  3. “Shit, they spotted us. Quick, put your Obama mask on.”
  4. “You raided my village, killed my parents and slaughtered tens of innocent people. I was able to forgive you for all of that-tell myself it was in your nature. But then you did something heinous. Something beyond all possible hope of redemption. You killed my dog.”
  5. “What do you mean you accidentally assassinated the Pope!?”
  6. “I would love to give a fuck about you but sadly my last one went off to war and never returned”
  7. “If you think I’ll stop my quest for world domination for a bag of cookies, you are,,, right… Now, gimme that!”
  8. “What are you doing with that rubber duckie toy– OH DEAR GOD LORD HAVE MERCY”
  9. “I’m more afraid of myself than you.”
  10. “I already told you, there’s nothing we can do about the fights. We COULD if you stopped spoiling shows and books to everyone.”
  11. “You, my friend, are the most unnecessary when it comes to your excessively sassy attitude.”
  12. “I love you.” “…..What? OH APRIL FOOLS.”
  13. “What is this, a concert for ants???”
  14. “I made it! I’m in the list! This is being a great day since I remembered it’s a Thursday, not a Monday!”
  15. “It’s not that I don’t believe you. It’s just that, well, I’ve got a sink full of dishes and a cat to wash.”
  16. “When you said i had pretty eyes i thought you were complimenting me,not trying to buy them!”
  17. “The wolves eat tonight.”
  18. “Gee, thanks for nearly killing me because of ____!” “Listen up here, are you dead? You’d better be greateful you’re still alive tou little shit.”
  19. "When you said you could fly, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
  20. “Sarah, I love you and all but hOW ON EARTH DO YOU KEEP SENDING OUR PETS TO SPACE?!”
  21. “Look, just because you kidnapped me doesn’t mean I’m going to marry you.”
  22. “How in God’s name did you even get up there?!”
  23. “I think I misplaced my right hand”
  24. “I did it! I got into university!” “That’s great! What course?” “Uh… Would it be a bad thing if I told you that… Dark magic and villainy?”
  25. “Well, it just so happens that I have been a homeless man for three years now. That must mean I’m the chosen one!”
  26. “Have your eyes always been that colour?”
  27. “I’m going to fight the sun!”
  28. “You can’t just run around punching people you don’t like, ____!”
  29. “I’m not into that kinda thing.”
  30. “Dude why did you eat all that cake on your own?”
  31. “I just wanted to know if we could use a plastic knife”
  32. “Uhhhh, guys? Don’t hate me, but I think I just released Satan”
  33. “Well, fine… Just wait a little bit before you do something stupid.” “…”
  34. “What do you mean there’s no bacon flavored ice cream!?”
  35. “What do you mean you’re my sister? I don’t have a sister!”
  36. “Why the hell do we need a duck to hunt Bigfoot?”
  37. “Oh, so you can do pink explosions too”
  38. “This isn’t my kitchen, is it?”
  39. “Ohhh, so THAT’S what you meant by ‘shooting starts’.”
  40. “ACHOO” “bless you” “Thank you, wait a minute I live alone”
  41. “Put my creepy cat in a different room? Don’t be silly! I don’t even have a cat!”
  42. “Katie, please stop shooting me with tranquilizer darts.”
  43. “Why did you think it was a good idea to only bring a potato to this heist?”
  44. “Okay, we make this promise now - nobody look at that fucking goat ever again.”
  45. “Sarah, why is the cat naked?”
  46. “Wait. You’re aroused?”
  47. “Why would that surprise you?”
  48. “It does on account of you being covered in blood. Wipe that smile off your face. You look like a cat in heat.”
  49. “okay so let me get this straight, you’re not actually my long lost twin…” “yes.” “…because you’re me from another dimension” “…yes.”
  50. “I’m sorry, but did that thing just talk?”
  51. “I thought we promised to never speak of that incident again!”
  52. "Sweetheart”“Yes dear”“Some of your morally challenged friends are trying to kidnap me again.”“And?”“And!?”“You’re a big girl, you can take care of yourself.”“Of course I can, but the gesture would have been nice!”
  53. “how many epilepsy pills can you take before you overdose?” “Just one or two.” “I’m gonna have to call you back.”
  54. “…I was GOING to ask why there’s a pink goo all over the kitchen floor but I think that can wait whilst I ask what the FUCK IS GOING ON?”
  55. “For the last time, can you stop calling that thing 'human’”
  56. “Okay, that is a seriously dodgy looking hat-are you certain you’re right about this?”
  57. “Really Darling, you can stop trying to scream, we’ve already espablished that no one cares and it’s giving you unflattering lines on your forehead.”
  58. “_______, why am I on the ceiling?”
  59. “What the heck happened while I was at the store?
  60. "What the actual fuck!” “I did warn-” “Yes I know you said you were crazy, but this…. This is…” “Just another Tuesday. Oh we’re late for tea!” “With who?!” “With the Queen of course, who else?”
  61. “Despreate times call for cows.”
  62. “Did you burn the last piece of toast again?”
  63. “You didn’t TELL me there’d be free food!”
  64. “Did Jesus really die for this bullshit?”
  65. “Do you want the apocalypse?!! Because that’s how you get the apocalypse!!!”
  66. “Goddamit, I’m dead again aren’t I? How the hell did I do it this time?”
  67. “Dude, no.”
  68. “I may be a horrible person, but at least I am an honest one.”
  69. “I told you, I dress to kill, now fetch me my fancy stilettos, mama’s gonna slay tonight!”
  70. “I left the room for 3 minutes and you really want to tell me you started a war with every single planet?” “Well, I told you 3 months ago to not leave me alone.” “And I told you I have to use the bathroom 3 months ago!”
  71. “Wow, only took 3 minutes to destroy the world.” “Let’s see if I can do it in 2!”
  72. “So… Wh-Why- How did you flush the duck down the toilet?”
  73. “dude. i liked that carpet. do you know how hard it is to wash bloodstains out of carpets.”
  74. “Don’t worry, it’s much worse than it looks.”
  75. “What are you doing ___?” “I’m camping.” “No you’re beside tree with a blank-” “CAMPING”
  76. “WHAT THE FUCK IS A DUCKPOTATO”
  77. “PUT THE PUPPY DOWN AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!”
  78. “PLEASE DON’T HANG UP! YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE IN DANGER!”
  79. “What the hell kind of scream was that? And how did you make it?! ”
  80. “Hey, uhm… Hate to interrupt your conversation, but why the fuck is there a giraffe on the soup aisle”
  81. “You mean to tell me that somebody decided it was a good idea to cross plums and apricots, but nobody can figure out why my cat has RABBIT ears?”
  82. “Sorry but um… why is there a fox and a bear singing Ooh la la by Britney Spears on the balcony? And where is my chicken, Pudding?!”
  83. “Where did you get LIGHT-UP COMBAT BOOTS? THEY CHANGE COLOR?!”
  84. “So you’re telling me there was a genie trapped in that can of soup? And you accidentally ATE THE GENIE?!”
  85. “Listen…don’t take this the wrong way, but…I love the OTHER you better.”
  86. “Tell me why,  exactly, did you need the rubber chicken? ”
  87. “Look, I’m not a liar, alright?  And I ain’t overdramatic or hyperbolic or whatever else you wanna call me.  So when I say I would sell my soul for a pancake right now, I mean I will literally sell my soul for a pancake right now.  And maybe a million dollars.”
  88. “Wait a second, you’re telling me that….. YOU’VE BEEN DATING SATAN BEHIND MY BACK FOR FOUR WHOLE YEARS?!!!”
  89. “Well dad did say he would be gone for five days…what the hell? Let’s go to the corner store!”
  90. “Why did you buy 74 melons?!”
  91. “Where’s the toaster?” “It’s in the kitchen… Why do you have a fork?” “K, thanks.”
  92. “Death, out of all the things in this world, why are so afraid of ____?”
  93. “This floor is like my life; Cold and Hard.”
  94. “So you’re telling me that I am the only thing that is preventing a Third World War, right?” “Yeah, pretty much.”
  95. “I don’t know your name and you don’t know mine but I promise it will turn out okay.”
  96. “Little did you know, they were slowly turning into werewolves.”
  97. “Umm… I may have possibly accidentally blown up another planet”
  98. “I told you not to do that… now look, you’ve lost your hand!”
  99. “Every time you speak I literally die a little”
  100. “One baby soul please, Adult souls give me gas!”

“I need you, yes you (you should feel targeted), to come up with a new dialogue prompt for part 4 and leave it in the comments below. It’s fun and the first 100 replies will make the next list. As always, one prompt per amigo and don’t forget the doubles quotes “”. Pantoffel” (Click here for part 1 and here for part 2)

  • MC: Quick, I need a fun fact!
  • Jumin: Cats purr when upset.
  • 707: The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell!
  • Yoosung: women orgasm faster with socks on
  • Jaehee: You are more likely to die from a coconut falling on your head than a shark.
  • ZEN: Giraffes have blue tongu-
  • ZEN:
  • ZEN: yoosung what the fuck
10

Dear ‘Raffe (Short for giraffe),

It’s weird. Our relationship still excites me like brand new shoes although we’ve walked so far together already. I decided yesterday, amidst leaving subtle kisses along your neck and jaw as you snored your life away, that I’m going to give you all of me.

At this point, you may be wondering what I’ve been giving you all of this time if it isn’t all of me… and I can tell you… I’ve been giving all of what I thought I could. Something about last night, in the moments that I could feel your belly rise up and down, grazing my own ribs in rhythm, that I realized, with you, I’m not scared to be more, to be anything and everything. You revive, ignite, and create parts of me I killed, put to sleep or wasn’t aware of at all.

You make me proud to carry all of my identities. I feel pretty and handsome. I feel strong lifting you in the air or being bent over by you. You speak to every part of me.

You’ll stumble on this post  in a few minutes or weeks, depending on when you feel like perusing my Tumblr. I hope you understand how you make me feel in this moment.

Love,

~ Love

—-

Thank you to anyone who has supported our journey and our

Youtube Channel (Tae and Lou). The support has been so appreciated.

Phil’s Livestream // 2.23.17

He’s wearing his NASA shirt

“Have a cup of tea. Hang out with me!”

Storm Doris has attacked a wheely bin outside

His plants have been gaining leaves he’s doing something right

Trampoline videos

“Tie some bricks to it”

He worries about cats and dogs during storms he hopes your cats are okay

“Calm down. Have a green tea. Stop being so stressed.” him @ the storm sky

He got a haircut today at his house (sides are short but not shaved)

They talked about dogs

He finds hoovering quite fun

Hoover Fantasies 

Phil’s Liveshow Haul

Follow him on twitter @ AmazingPhil #spon

His hippo lamp

He looked up the most dangerous animals (hippo is #4)

Hippo facts

Pictures vs memories discussion

The Impossible Quiz was exhausting

Probs not Impossible Quiz #2

“Don’t watch me in jail”

He froze for a minute (or it was a really good mannequin challenge can’t tell)

He melted a bit of his NASA shirt while ironing rip

7 new planets discussion 

“Maybe just leave them alone if they’re happy, you know?”

He gets very excited at the idea of space giraffes 

Lots of universe discussion

Shrimp Prince

He’s seen Moonlight, Manchester by the Sea, and La La Land but Arrival was his favorite 

What fictional universe would you rather live in 

Shrimp Prince of the Rings

Itchy nose

He got a navy blue jumper with a geometric bird on it that he may wear in his next video

He also got the “scent of happiness”

No bad cinema experiences this time 

Pastel edits irl

He likes his black hair a lot so he won’t be changing it soon

“I’ve already got a toddler called Dab”

He’s loving Final Fantasy XV

BROadtrip 

“Could’ve used more diversity”

He took the troll wig Dan mentioned to the charity shop soz

He ate the moss surrounding his cocktail oops

He saw Book of Mormon with his parents 

Horse Prince

New gaming video tomorrow

It’s kind of long but also a Dan vs Phil

They’re going to an Oscar’s party so hopefully he can stay awake

The couple that made him bonk his head on the window

The coffee table is out to get him 

Grammar

They watched Speed and Speed 2 Cruise Control 

50% 2017 calendar (code: FLASHSALE) at DanandPhilShop.com

They’re still working on the pastel merch

They’re going back to Australia coolforsummerfest.com.au 

He’s going to watch Bates Motel again 

He’s watching Riverdale and Homeland 

“I hope you have a great weekend”

“I’ve hoped you’ve had a great evening. Thanks for choosing to spend it with me.”

Mentions of Dan: ||||| |||

I wanna be yours•Shawn Mendes

A/N: Bad boy! Shawn smut!

so…hey, this is a long one. Might wanna get comfortable, put the kettle on because it’s gonna be a wild ride. This ones for @xbetter-than-wordsx my love, my heart, my pistachio gelato lovin muffin - you’re too good for this world.

Have a cup of tea on me my lovelies.

Smut/NSFW warning.

Originally posted by kdrauhl

MASTERLIST: more bad boy! Shawn au in here!


I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
- I wanna be yours, Arctic Monkeys, original words by the poet John Cooper Clarke.


Keep reading

playing “guess what team this hockey player is on” w/ my brother

he knows nothing about hockey and here are the highlights

  • sidney crosby
    • ironically, seconds after establishing that the only 2 teams he knew of were the canucks and the penguins, he guessed that sid played for the canucks
    • “didn’t he score some important goal for vancouver in some big hockey championship thing??”
      • spoiler: he was thinking of the van 2010 olympics
      • he does not accept this though, continues to insist sid is captain of the canucks
        • stop him
  • max paciorrety 
    • him, immediately upon hearing the name: “MAXIMUM PATCH”
      • “he probably plays for a very patchwork team. what’s a patchwork place? florida. he plays for the florida…. panthers.”
      • me: “that… actually is the name of a team. not pacioretty’s team but, a team. did you know that?”
      • “no i guessed”
      • i gave him a point for it anyway
  • henrik sedin
    • he somehow started thinking he was related to the colour brown somehow (don’t ask how) 
      • “what’s brown? …the water in kentucky”
      • “the shitty teams are brown. he plays for the… oh! the boston bruins”
      • @ bruins fans i apologized but i laughed, i did
    • “give me a hint” “how about i give you his brother’s name. plays for the same team, it’s daniel”
      • “daniel… henrik… handle… dendrik” (continues for 30 seconds) 
      • me: “maybe… maybe focus on the team instead of just how to combine their names?”
    • “are they on a canadian team?” “yes” “the… toronto maple leafs” “no”
      • my brother lives in vancouver and really should know this one
      • he does not
      • literally there was a canucks jersey (mine) hanging up behind him while we were doing this and i,
    • i had to tell him henrik sedin was captain of the vancouver canucks and he said
      • “i thought that was sidney crosby”
      • TO MY FACE
  • jamie benn
    • “could you have possibly given me a more generic name??”
    • gave his brother’s name for a hint again
      • this was before the montreal trade. do svidanya jobenn (((
    • he managed to narrow it down to the state of texas
      • “there’s a team in texas?? where???”
      • “i’m gonna guess houston. jamie… jordie… a lot of j sounds… i’m gonna say they play for the houston giraffes”
  • brent burns
    • “burns, burns, what burns…. california is experiencing draughts..” “you’re getting close actually” “really? wow”
      • “sacramento.. san jose… i know san jose has a team! the san jose… uhh…”
      • (our dad) “here’s a hint, we had a chance to swim with them on our last vacation but you slept in”
      • “oh! i think that was a called a… a takihiti fish.” (our dad, quietly: no.) “yes. the san jose takihiti fish”
  • pk subban
    • “pk?? does that stand for something??” “yes, parnell karl” (our dad, whose name is karl: “nice”)
    • tbh i don’t remember what he guessed but he sat there repeating “pk subban… pk… suuuu… bannnn.. subban… Suuub’n. P… K… Subban” to himself for like 2 minutes and that was hilarious to me for some reason
  • geno malkin
    • “geno… sounds italian” 
      • me: *tries to tell him geno’s actual name w/ my best attempt at pronounciation* him: “…yebbie veggie?” 
    • “idk man give me a hint” 
    • “ok so… his captain played in the 2010 vancouver olympics”
    • “…his captain is sidney crosby”
    • “yes!”
    • “so he plays for the vancouver canucks!!”
    • “no.”

Did you know Suicune is based off the Chinese Qilin which is transliterated to Kirin in Japanese, which means Giraffe

So if you ever wondered what Suicune is supposed to be, it’s a giraffe

anonymous asked:

I just want to say that yours headcanons and interactions with everyone here just crack me up so fcking much, honestly, you guys are a true blessing. And, if it's okay, could I request the RFA+V+ Saeran falling hard for MC but they just don't notice, like, at all, and, God help them, they are trying their very best, what the actual fuck MC (it's okay if you don't wanna do the request, I hope you guys have a great day!)

A/N: omg you’re such a cutie thank you <3 ヾ(´▽`*;)ゝ”and did you mean like mc doesnt notice that they’re completely in love with them??? (soRRY im so exhausted lmao) but dude i’m completely mc in that case ripperoni  ~Admin 404

*YOOSUNG:

               - I thought…losing his eye was like… enough to show how much he cares about you

               -He’s always making you food and snacks in cute little shapes (especially hearts)

               -When the two of you play LOLOL he’s always giving you the best loot and diving in front of your character to make sure you don’t die

               -Always joining new clubs that either you’re in, or they cover a topic you’re interested in

               -That way, he can spend more time with you and enjoy some of the same things!

               -Not to mention it he actually really enjoys it all and learns something new about you every time

               -He’s even managed to hug you close for long periods of time without turning red or stuttering!

               -But you still! Don’t! See it!

               -You always think he’s just being really nice and a great friend! Sure you secretly like him but you don’t want to ruin the friendship if he doesn’t like you back!

               -Saeyoung’s made it his personal mission to get the two of you together because Yoosung just won’t take initiative and you’re just oblivious as hell

*ZEN:

               -He’s always hanging off of you, how are you not even suspicious?

               -Always has an arm around you, hand on your shoulder, even on your knee when the two of you are sitting

               -For fucks sake MC, he kisses your cheek and holds your hand when the two of you walk anywhere are you DENSE??

               -Always bringing you flowers, chocolates, you name it

               -HE EVEN MAKES UP SONGS TO SING TO YOU

               -He’s so dramatic about everything. Every time you don’t react to his romantic gesture, he’s practically throwing himself to the floor in a sobbing fit

               -He’s even held you by the shoulders, looked you in the eyes, and told you how much he really likes you

               -You just responded with a tilt of your head, innocently asking, “Like…. you like-like me?”

               - hoW HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED BY NOW?????

               -EVEN AFTER THAT, YOU’RE STILL OBLIVIOUS. MC, why. Just, why. He loves you but wOW

*JAEHEE:

               -She’s not exactly surprised that you don’t realize her feelings

               -More subtle with her emotions than the rest of them

               - even jumin is more open about his feelings for you, who would have guessed

               -She’s always inviting you to attend new cafes, or to show you her favourite ones!

               -Also makes you a lot of coffee/tea and cakes!

               -The two of you spend a lot of time discussing books the two of you have read, and theorize about those that abruptly ended

               -Always looking you straight in the eyes, smiling, and will constantly turn a light shade of red

               -But you don’t get it?? Is she getting a fever? Is it even hot enough in here to make her red like that? Is she alright?

               -You’re always putting your hands on her cheeks, trying to see if she’s ill and it just makes her blush 10x more

               -Dammit MC she’s gonna pass out at this rate, get your hands off of her, just notice that she likes you so the two of you can cuddle and she can get over turning as red as she does!

*JUMIN:

               -You’d think it’d be really obvious

               -I mean the man has next to no emotions but when you come around he’s practically a puddle on the floor- how in the world don’t you notice?

               -Always making sure you’re comfortable with anything the two of you do

               -If he invites you to lunch and you don’t like the restaurant, he’ll cancel his reservations and find a new place immediately

               -AND HE DOES EVERYTHING HIMSELF. Not once does he ask Jaehee or another employee of his to set up plans or grab something for you

               -Listens to your opinion more than anyone else’s. He’ll take it to heart and do whatever you suggested (that is if it isn’t drastic)

               -HE LETS YOU PICK UP ELIZABETH? CUDDLE WITH HER? GIVE HER KISSES? DOESN’T THAT TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU??

               -The dude tried to move you into his house almost immediately, seriously MC how can you not tell

               -Completely showers you in gifts all the time. If you aren’t there to physically receive them, he’s telling you what he got you and sends you pictures

               -He thinks it’s absolutely adorable that you have no idea, but at the same time it lowkey drives him crazy because he juST WANTS TO KISS YOU, MC. PLEASE. JUST, P L E A S E

 

*SAEYOUNG:

               -This lil brat tries to hide that he’s completely in love with you until he just can’t take it anymore

               -Come on he’s built you Robo-cat, gone over personally to protect you, and a lot more, what do you waNT FROM HIM

               -Sends you memes in the middle of the night because he thinks you’ll find them funny

               -Calls you at night just to talk until he can hear you fall asleep on the other end of the phone

               -He’s also buying you a lot of little things because he thought of you when he saw it, and couldn’t bring himself to just leave it

               -You’re the only one he’ll let drive his babies. HIS. BABIES. MC, COME ON

               -Always looking at you like a love-sick puppy. Whenever you do something completely adorable he gets as red as his hair

               -He’ll lightly brush his hand against yours when the two of you are walking close together, and watch to see if he can actually grab your hand

               -Gives you the Flynn Rider smoulder more times than you can count but all you do is giggle because it’s your favourite movie. Your giggle is like heaven but MC whY CAN’T YOU SEE HE LIKES YOU

               -HE EVEN SINGS THE LITTLE MERMAID SONG “KISS THE GIRL”(or he changes the lyrics to boy, depending) TO GET THE POINT ACROSS BUT ALL YOU DO IS JUMP IN ON HIS MUSICAL NUMBER. One day MC, one day.

*V:

               -He’s gentle with everyone, but you??

               -Well, he’s gentle but he plays around a LOT more

               -Playfully pushes you, pinches your cheeks, he even does gross shit like lick your cheek okay but i do the same

               -Leans close to you all the time. When the two of you talk, he’s leaning into you, staring into your eyes

               -Y'all even spend the night at each other’s houses watching movies or just talking about life

               -How the hell can you not tell that this giraffe loves you??

               -Always taking beautiful photos of you! Well…almost always

               -His favourite photo album is full of pictures of you being goofy, and packed which terrible candid’s of you, but he lOVES THEM SO MUCH MC LOOK AT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE

               -He plans trips for just the two of you so he can take pictures and you can see the sights! Takes you to romantic dinners! Y'all even go to festivals and carnivals together.

               -He’s always holding your hand because he doesn’t want to lose you in a crowd. Or that’s what you think. In reality he just wants to hold your hand; MC please he’s so cute just kiss him already

*SAERAN:

               -He just plain sucks at sharing emotions

               -But he thought he was pretty obvious?

               -Like there are times that you’re the only one he’ll even acknowledge? That’s pretty self-explanatory there MC

               -He takes you out for ice cream all the time, walks around town, whatever you want. He hates people, he doesn’t willingly go out for that. Unless you want to

               -Always invites you over to just hang out and play some games, watch some movies, or sometimes just to nap

               -Even asks you to teach him how to cook/bake, so he can spend a lot more time with you!

               -Sometimes you give him this dazzling smile that just makes his heart flutter and he can’t even look at you

               -You also like to hug him and he practically passes out every time. It scares you a little bit because you can’t figure out why?? Is he okay??? Are you dead??

               -But he steps out of his comfort zone and hugs you back?? You’re so happy and you absolutely love it! You think that maybe he’s finally becoming more social! You have no idea that he only hugs you because??? It’s you

               -Please just admit you like this man so he can get comfortable MC, he’s too awkward to ask you out himself