are they trying to make me cry

Hour 1
I miss you. I’ve just woken up. But, you aren’t here.


Hour 2
I made us coffee. I take mine the way you do yours. Or, used to. I think.


Hour 3
It’s strange – I need to breathe and I’m having a cigarette. I panic when I remember that you aren’t with me. I know this. But, I try not to think about it.


Hour 4
I am watching the smoke. I wish I could exhale you like the smoke from my cigarette.


Hour 5
I want to cry. I don’t like telling people why you left. But, they ask. It makes me feel more flawed and empty than I am, or want to be.


Hour 6
I never smoked inside, but I can still smell the incense you used around the house. It continues to haunt me. I light every cigarette inside with the hope of not having the incense linger.


Hour 7
There’s no one to ask if I’m stressed. I take a drag, slowly. If you were here and you asked, I would say it’s you. But, you aren’t.


Hour 8
The past won’t go up in smoke. I try. I have tried, but I keep failing. Staring at the smoke.


Hour 9
Sometimes you just need someone by your side. And you trust them when they tell you that they love you. I trusted you. It meant something. And now, it’s all gone up in smoke.


Hour 10
I couldn’t finish the cigarette at first. But, I couldn’t leave things incomplete. I lit it again. It tastes like the concrete on which I put it out. Perhaps, that’s what we would be like – soulless.


Hour 11
Things come though at the eleventh hour. But, not here. Not today. All I do is wait.


Hour 12
There is no darkness, I tell myself. I fear myself now. Not the known past or the unknown future. But, I’m just lying to myself. I exhale.


Hour 13
What I do know is that even in the company of others, I feel lonely. It is then that I ask again.
I ask, for loneliness to be my friend. But, that’s not what I want. I want you here.


Hour 14
My lips sealed off from the truth. My words, my lies, my reality. I exhale, but I cannot escape.


Hour 15
The distractions, still there. The blank stares continue. Love is only a word now. I see it in other people. I hear it in others words.


Hour 16
Three a.m. again. The effects have worn off. One hour is nothing. I can feel the silence. Interrupted, by my own thoughts. I exhale.


Hour 17
You continue to evade me. I cannot help but be consumed in this madness. In your madness.


Hour 18
Can a mirror ever lie? Would it? The smoke absorbed by the mirror. Fading before my eyes. Sometimes, it’s that simple isn’t it? Just watching something disappear before your own eyes.


Hour 19
A prisoner in my own body. This need – unexplainable. Fuck, even I cannot comprehend where we broke into countless fragments.


Hour 20
I dream of the days when we did things together. Now, I just wish to be able to hear from you.  All I hold on to now are memories. Even they seem to be slipping away.


Hour 21
Too afraid to speak in this darkness. I don’t want to hear emptiness or my own voice echoing. I want to hear you whispering in my ears.


Hour 22
I exhale. Slowly. Wishing for the fire that was once us to not be extinguished. But, it was over. It was over well before the day you walked out. It was over well before I sat in silence.


Hour 23
If I knew…If I knew where it went wrong would it be different today? The cigarette twirling in my hand, waiting to be lit, knowing that it will be stubbed out.


Hour 24
Another day, another cigarette. I take you in with every breath. Only to exhale again.

—  Navin E. (24 cigarettes in 24 hours)
Brain dump.
  • I do my best to not go overboard on this subject because I’m hardly a fitblr, (more like a fatblr) but sometimes the fact that I’ve lost the weight that I have (and continue to do so) makes me want to cry. When you get old as you know your metabolism slows down, and I’ve hardly had what you call a great one to begin with. I’ve actually had a few people ask me what I do, and I feel like I am in the twilight zone, because I do not pretend to be a coach, and I am not trying to sell anyone shakes. I just do what I do, and it seems to work, and I enjoy feeling my jeans being looser.
  • Sometimes the ten ton pressure I feel from all that is expected/needed/wanted from me here at work makes me want to just implode. Other times I just shrug my shoulders and tell myself “meh, if I can’t do it today, I’ll get to it tomorrow or the next week.”
  • I fucking love food.
  • Karma is indeed a bitch, and I’ll just leave it at that.
  • I am still feeling my way through Andromeda. It is quite different than the previous series in some ways, but also the same. I hope to play it all damn weekend.
  • Arrow has been so damn good this season. Like Seasons 1+2 were fucking near perfect. 3 was meh, and 4 was ‘okay’. This season? A return to form so to speak. In the same universe can I just say how fun/enjoyable the musical episode of The Flash/Supergirl was?
  • Laura Dern can still get it.

Enjoy your Thursday.

anonymous asked:

What would happen if the kids are kidnapped and missing for a couple of days. How would the adults react and how would the kids protect each other.

I’ll stick with the Guardians and Varia, but if anyone wants to know headcanons on how the other adults would react let me know. Since my love for the Vongola Kids knows no limits, these are based off what would happen if Lambo, I-Pin, Fran and Futa got kidnapped.


Fran is the one in the worst condition, because he is drugged to prevent him from using his illusions. Lambo, I-Pin and Futa frequently check his pulse and make sure he isn’t developing a fever. Futa takes most the hits and kicks the kidnappers use to try and intimidate them, getting severe cuts and bruises. Lambo can’t help but cry during the first hours of captivity and I-Pin and Futa comfort him. I-Pin will give up the little food she receives to make sure her friends are fed, especially Fran. They keep close together, always talking and reassuring each other.


Tsuna: He’s devastated. He’s terrified. He knows he can’t break down because his little siblings need him to be strong until they’re safely back home and he does not sleep until they are. He’s furious that someone would target the kids in order to get to him. He feels immense guilt, because they would not be in this situation if they were not part of the Mafia world, and he thinks it’s his fault.

Ryohei: As being one of the oldest of his siblings, it is his job to make sure they are safe and is very hard on himself when he fails. He goes away for a bit of alone time, punching walls and whatever he can get his hands on to release his fear, agitation and anger. He’s constantly moving but significantly quieter, spending most of his time out in the field searching for the kids and their kidnappers.

Yamamoto: Keeps his family calm and soothing their fury, knowing how reckless and rash they can be. He’s fuming on the inside, but knows it will do no one any good to lose control, and helps head the investigation efforts. When the kidnappers are finally discovered does he release his emotions in a rare violent display. Drinks a lot of tea to keep his nerves as settled as possible given the circumstances.

Gokudera: Flings himself into the investigation, the more panicked and infuriated counterpart to Yamamoto. He drowns himself in the work to try and keep his mind off the what-ifs, stacks of paperwork and files on his desk as he tries to narrow the list of suspects. Is on top of updates and keeps the information flowing between CEDEF, Vongola and Varia so that no one is out of the loop.

Hibari: There is perhaps not an adjective powerful enough to describe just how enraged he is. Nobody harms his pack, and the fact that he could do nothing to prevent it makes it even worse. He takes every lead he is given, hunting down the herbivores who have given them problems in the past and brutally interrogating them. He doesn’t stop drawing blood until the kids are found, and he delivers the killing blow to the kidnappers.

Chrome: She stands strong, though she is breaking apart on the inside. She keeps Kyoko and Haru comforted and assists them in making sure their family does not neglect their own care during the search for the kids. She goes out with Mukuro to search, keeping him restrained when it seems he will go too far and he prevents her from descending into dark thoughts.

Mukuro: Is unable to keep still enough to go through the paperwork part of the investigation and goes out to search. He stays out all the day, trying to sense the presence of the kids and violently beat anyone he thinks is withholding information from him. He returns home at night, knowing that Hibari will continue looking, and keeps watch over his family.

Squalo: Is extremely agitated, because he (along with the others) knows that there is a good chance Fran is incapacitated to keep him from using his illusions. Takes care of the investigation on the Varia end, keeping in constant contact with Gokudera and Iemitsu. Doesn’t leave his office until the culprit is identified.

Mammon: He tries to locate the kids using his location ability, and when the results continuously come up negative, he grows frustrated and angry. Tries to break whatever barriers are preventing him with his illusionist abilities and ends up exhausting himself.

Lussuria: Though he is angry and worried, he keeps a calm exterior as the investigation goes on. He makes sure his family is taking care of themselves, such as bringing food to Squalo and ordering Mammon to rest. He is reluctant to leave the mansion, knowing his Sun Flames would be needed and wanting to be near.

Levi: Is very quiet and less argumentative, wanting to do anything he can to help locate the kids. It’s unnerving not having Fran around and he can’t stand the lack of the boy’s voice. He shares the paperwork load with Squalo and continuously checks on Xanxus, trying to calm his rage as best he can and keep him from going over the edge.

Belphegor: Gets very moody and aggressive, absolutely hating the fact he doesn’t know what Fran is going through. He misses his partner-in-crime and the hole that Fran’s absence creates is unbearable. He stays in the mansion, none of his family members allowing him to step outside while Fran is missing.

Xanxus: He’s livid, and his scars stretch out across his face and do not recede until Fran is found and the kidnappers have been slaughtered. After he learns Fran has been kidnapped, he destroys a fair bit of property before simmering in his office, keeping tabs on the progress of the investigation. He despises not knowing where Fran and the others are. He becomes paranoid and overprotective, keeping Belphegor close. He’s the first one to jump into action when the kidnappers are discovered.

  • someone: why are you crying
  • me: oh no reason. just watched the last episode of an anime i practically grew up with. about a boy trying to make it in the world. i watched him fail. i watched him succeed. he was a brat when i first saw him. i watched him struggle to make a name for himself, he worked so hard. i watched him make friends along the way. he taught me to never give up and follow your dreams. actually they all taught me so many life lessons. everyone had their own obstacles to overcome. i watched every single one of them from the lowest points in their lives to the highest. even when things seemed impossible they made it through and that truly made a huge difference in my life. and now their journey has finally come to an end...this anime means more to me than you think and now its over. no big deal.
4,000 FOLLOWERS!

4,000 FOLLOWERS!!!! I REPEAT! FOUR-THOUSAND-FOLLOWERS! you guys are so amazing you make me want to cry! I have no idea what I did to deserve this but OOOOOHHHHH MYYYYYY GOOOOD!

THIS IS HOW COOL I FEEL

I ALSO FEEL LIKE I’M FAINTING

CAUSE I TRY TO BE COOL BUT I’M MOSTLY LIKE THIS…(yep, the third one)

BUT YOU GUYS STILL LOVE ME ANYWAYS SO…

I WANNA HUG EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU (GROUP HUG!)

FOR BEING SOOO SOOOOO SOOOO AWESOME! 

YOU GUYS JUST MAKE ME SOOOOO HAPPY I WANT TO CRYYYYY

AND DANCE 

LIKE THIS

SO…

TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

THANK YOU GUYS SO SOOOOO SOOO MUCH! 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME!!!! YOU GUYS ARE THE MOST AWESOMEST COOLEST SWEETEST BESTEST PEOPLE ON EARTH! I LOVE YOU!!!

THANK YOU AGAIN, SO MUCH MY BEAUTIFUL DEARIES

So, I was almost done and then my whole post deleted, so I’m going to scream and ragr, and then probably cry. And then maybe write something shot and sweet to make me feel better. I’ll try reposting the angst tomorrow, I’m sorry y'all

the signs as fake quotes my weird cousin has attributed to famous authors

aries: as oscar Wilde once famously said, ‘fuck men’

taurus: i believe it was percy shelley who wrote ‘why cry over spilled milk when instead u could cry over everything

gemini: you can lead a horse to water, but u can’t make the horse drink that fucking water if it wants vodka instead. sun tzu said that.

cancer: y’know, steinbeck once screamed ‘death to capitalism’ while setting himself on fire, and i couldn’t agree more.

leo: i was trying to think of a hemingway quote, but thankfully i just remembered that i don’t give a shit about hemingway

virgo: Flintstone vitamins are for losers. William shakespeare.

libra: did you know that that nicki minaj took the lyrics “i beez in the trap” straight from jane austen’s iconic 1813 novel pride and Prejudice?

scorpio: maya angelou actually invented the acronym NSFW, did u know that? 'Not Safe From Whites’. they’re coming

sagittarius: the most inspirational thing walt whitman ever said was ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ that man was a poet

capricorn: ‘be there or be…gay! lol jk don’t be gay’ ~ the bible, chapter 5 verse 17

aquarius: honey, as Faulkner said once, ‘eat shit mark twain’. words to live by

pisces: nietzsche once said that dante was a ‘hyena that wrote poetry on tombs’ and i’m not making that shit up because nothing is funnier than that

I AM SICK OF THE SAME OLD SMUT IN FANFICS

I’m tired of smut just being porn star worthy, professional, distant fucking

give me fic smut where the characters are new and awkward and ‘oh my god am I doing this right?’ and 'no, oh my fuck you don’t put it there’

give me fic smut where the characters are crying but not like 'that’s good dick’ crying or 'shit that hurts’ crying but rather 'oh my god I love this person more than life and we’re so close right now’ crying, gimme some of that full out bawling

give me fic smut where it’s all a joke and they’re doing anything they can to purposefully kill the mood just to make the other one laugh

give me fic smut where they’re trying things out and maybe things don’t go as planned but they keep going anyway and have a good time

give me fic smut where the characters are literally teasing each other the whole time, but not like sexually teasing but more like insults that are their way of flirting like 'ow you bit my tongue, nice going you clumsy asshole’ and 'fuck you, I made you spaghetti and this is the thanks I get?’

give me fic smut where they laugh, be it because one of them did something funny/embarrassing or because they’re just happy????

like can people in smut fics be more than attracted to each other and not just sex machines with their only priority being fucking???

How Do People NOT Multiship?

Seriously I don’t get it. Just looking at Voltron for example here, you’ve got

-Klance, your hate ship, that red and blue, the gay losers who pretend to hate each other but would be very upset if something happened to the other
–Sheith, with all its history and possibilities for angst and comfort
-Kidge, your dumb conspiracy theorists who have no idea what they’re doing in a relationship but they’re trying their best
-Heith, your cinnamon roll lovers
-Kallura, your space power couple and also the way to spite people just for fun
-Shance, your sweet little angel falling for space daddy and it could be unrequited if you like to suffer and I mean Lance called Shiro his fucking hero like can you not
-Pidgance, Punk and Hance, your friends to lovers ships
-Allurance, for crush nerds and could again be unrequited if you’re masochistic
-Shidge, with their adorable and lame support that makes me cry
-Shunk, which is just an even purer cinnamon roll ship
-Shallura, for all your space parent needs
-Pallura, because lesbians are beautiful
-Hallura, the team mom ship
-Shatt, more angst opportunities and the best name

And then there’s your poly ships

-Shklance, where Shiro’s the only sane one and keeping them alive
-Klunk, Kidgance and both at the same time, the purest of friends to lovers poly ships
-Shallurance, which is perfect for Lance angst if you like people feeling like an add on and less important when really they’re just as loved
-Shalluridge, which I can’t even describe how great it is
- Shalluratt, which I don’t actually ship but I get it

Then again maybe is just me I join a fandom and I either ship everything or don’t even ship the Canon there is no in between for me.

3

Let’s please talk about this moment

Jun was trying really hard to hide that he was about to cry, Vernon noticed, and probably teased him for it because it was a rare sight. When the staff came with tissues, Jun kind of scrambled to get one, like he didn’t want anyone to notice. Vernon had his full attention on Jun afterwards and rubbed him on the back even though Jun kept walking away and looked at him like, “What? I wasn’t crying.”

rewatching the show after ep 10 like everyone else and just… remember that scene in ep 7? the carpark scene?

these are viktor’s reactions to yuuri crying

and like we all knew even before ep 10 that he probably felt guilty and distraught about his tactic backfiring and causing such distress to yuuri. and certainly it doesn’t excuse the fact that it was a dick move to do in the first place

but like coming into it now with the knowledge that #ViktorFellFirst it just reminds me of those times when you fuck up so bad you make someone you care really deeply about cry in front of you

(yuuri. hun. that’s like the last thing he wants to do.)

(is it possible for someone to fall even deeper in love than this russian bean at this moment)

and you just. you try your best to fix the situation and apologise because holy shit. the love of your fucking life is in fucking tears in front of you because of something you yourself did. and even after your apologies you still feel like pond scum for like hours after

i bet that’s exactly what viktor felt like, considering ep 10 hindsight and all

so like. no wonder he got so euphoric after yuuri’s quad flip and just fuckign kissed him on international television.

i look in the mirror, bags under my eyes, my hair up in a messy bun. heavy sadness in my eyes. baggy clothes. i just don’t care what i look like, i don’t care about anything

“you need to eat, you’re loosing weight like crazy.” yeah except i’m not hungry at all. i feel sick all the time. so i just keep drinking my powerade.

my eyes are bloodshot from crying for hours. my mom lays there with me and let’s me cry and tries to comfort me. the headaches always there.

i try to talk to new guys but nobody makes me feel anything. all i see is him when i close my eyes. i can’t escape him.

i go into my room and open the box with the note he wrote. “i’ll always love you.” i’m filled with anger as i throw things against the wall in a rage. just being in this room feels like the ghost of him is still here. how can someone love you so much, then they just don’t anymore?

i just want to sleep but i can never stay asleep. i wake up at 230 everyday and can never go back to bed. i’m so tired. my mind and body. is this what it feels like to die? because that’s what this feels like. it’s so much effort to make it through the damn day.

tick
tick
tick

waiting for time to go by because that’s what heals you right? so i wait and i wait. then i realize i have been staring at the wall for 20 minutes. how did i not notice?

“come out with us it will be fun!” i don’t want to go, i have to make myself. i don’t even know what fun is anymore. but i try, i plaster on the fake fun. because nobody wants to see the sad girl who can’t get over the guy who left her suddenly. so i pretend. but i feel like i’m suffocating the whole time. it’s exhausting to pretend.

when people talk about love, they never mention this part. it amazes me how one single person can destroy you and strip away everything that you are. i think of the girl i used to be. i want so badly to get back there. i worry that i’ll never be her again. and deep down i know that i won’t be. i know that i’ll survive, i’ve seen it in many others. it just nearly kills you in the process.

—  Chapters from my life
4

Okay, so I meant to post this yesterday but because of that last episode, I decided to wait because I’m still crying over here. Honestly, I’ve been in the mood to do something feelsy/mild angst in this fandom because it needs more of it tbh-,,, but it has a happy ending, so you guys can’t hate me too much, right? ( ;;; ω ;;; ) If you’re wondering what happened, Yuuri got into a serious car accident before the GPF and Viktor never left his side after his surgery.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be dying in the corner until the next episode releases.

PLEASE READ RIGHT TO LEFT !!