apocalypse report

The first act of Divergent centers around Katniss Potter’s angst about her upcoming aptitude test and Sorting, wait, sorry … Choosing Ceremony. Because in this dystopian society, everything from your neighborhood to your career is determined by your personality type, or “Faction.” Members of the “Abnegation” Faction are selfless and incorruptible, making them best suited for leadership positions. “Candor” is known for honesty, so they run law and criminal justice. “Dauntless” is the faction for military service and security – they’re mostly train-hopping sociopaths with badass tattoos. It’s basically a dystopian story about teenagers, mood rings, and high school-caliber cliques. Obviously, it was a monstrous success.

In order to determine each citizen’s Faction, the government conducts an annual, state-sponsored drug trip for teenagers. Once a year, every 16-year-old is rounded up, dosed with a psychedelic techno-potion, and observed by an administrator as they battle their way through an action-packed hallucination. You know how some inventions are actually based on science fiction tropes, like the Star Trek communicator predicting the cellphone? We’d like “mandatory high school ball trippin’” to be next, please.

Not only does the government expend a massive amount of time and money for these individual administrators to babysit tripping teenagers, the whole test is more of a suggestion than a rule. While the drug sequence is designed to reveal someone’s natural Faction, anyone can pick whatever group they want, for whatever reason, regardless of how they scored. It’s as if the government just made way too much LSD and were trying to find the most hilarious way to get rid of it.

Hollywood Has No Idea How To Get A Dystopian Future Right

Apocalyptic Report: Michigan 1:00pm December 21, 2012

The moose army is visible patrolling the Canadian border.

We are demon free for the moment because Hell is frozen over but we are open to attacks from the outside. My windows and doors are salted and I have my sonic screwdriver at the ready.

Some of our outer cities have fallen to disease. My town is working shifts to build a moat around our borders.

Water supply is holding steady but food is dwindling. I am down to candy canes and marshmallows. Not sure how long I’ll last.

Will keep you posted.

Enemy of the Ancients [closed]


Notification was sent to the head of the Followers of the Apocalypse, a report from local ponies about an area they had been clearing for a new cellar had suddenly collapsed into a cave. The ponies with pipbucks were swearing there was something alive through one of the walls, but couldn’t bring themselves to plumb the depths to find out what it was. To make things worse, the first ponies in had managed moderate and severe lacerations by simply tripping near the entrance.

The town was still coming together, and this sort of scare nearly had them fleeing for old settlements.

The cave in the cellar was completely dark, awaiting the next pony to dare go inside.