aph:hellas

anonymous asked:

Can I have Deets™ on the Racist Vegan AU?

you SURE MAY my dude. hop on and strap in for the ride

SO the Slightly Racist Militant Vegan Alexander the Great AU follows as thus, thus far:

setting

  • I was going to originally have alexander as a rural vet, but I’ve since come to the conclusion that it would be better if he’s running a wildlife park
  • the wildlife park is in western sydney as they tend to be
  • idk if non-australian places have wildlife parks but they’re kind of like interactive spaces with native animals. they’re not quite zoos, but they have a big focus on conservation
  • western sydney is completely weird-ass and liminal, nothing like the inner city which is perfect for Weird Shit like Slightly Racist Militant Vegan alexander to manifest
  • also western sydney has a good multicultural mix so that serves this au’s purpose anyway
  • the wildlife park is initially called pella but then alex renames it to “alexandria” after philip dies and he expands its territories
  • namely, he annexes the rather nice persian garden complex next door, run by a bloke named darius
  • he does this on the pretext that the café in darius’ garden isn’t vegan
  • ANYWAY, let’s move on to the people

alexander

  • won’t stop culturally appropriating things
  • keeps wearing harem pants and lumping every south asian culture together
  • kind of a weeb for the middle-east in general
  • “I’m macedonian so I’m poc” “alex just because someone called your dad a wog in year six doesn’t mean you’re oppressed”
  • loves animals a LOT and is a vegan
  • the militant sort who reposts graphic memes on facebook every 3 hours
  • btw not trying to say that vegans are militant/slightly racist, but the militant veganism links alexander the military leader and his love of animals
  • highkey a Horse Girl
  • would make people wait for him to take photos of their lunch before eating

hephaistion

  • alexander’s super-hot and tall civil engineer boyfriend
  • constructs wildlife park facilities on annexed garden land after the Takeover
  • embodiment of gay or european
  • speaks greek at home
  • often gets asked ‘you know your bf’s lowkey racist??’ and he’s like ‘yeh we tried telling him once but he threatened us with tofu drumsticks’
  • is super-hot. did I mention?
  • people won’t stop staring
  • he’s also tall
  • just so you know
  • eats veggies for alexander but isn’t militant
  • dies after he eats a chicken when alex isn’t watching and chokes bc it’s just too good and it’s been too long

olympias

  • alexander’s mum, a reptile specialist at the park
  • also a vegan
  • “I love both my children equally. alexander and *looks at smudged writing on back of hand* kleptomania”

philip

  • an omnivore
  • alexander and olympias hate him because of this
  • a cassowary pecked him in the eye and he can’t see out of it any more
  • keeps perving on the staff
  • I’m considering having him die after getting stabbed by a stingray called pausanias he neglects but not sure how many steve irwin parallels we want here

kleopatra

  • the only person in the family not obsessed with animals
  • studies commerce
  • everyone in the family is like, ‘how do you expect to find a job with that degree huh?’
  • but then she co-founds an accounting firm, “epiros”, which goes swimmingly

ptolemy

  • family friend, but works at the park
  • keeps pretending he’s philip’s bastard son
  • he’s not
  • delusions of grandeur
  • had a mummy phase as a kid

krateros

  • a bit of an alexander bum-kisser
  • hates hephaistion
  • the feeling is mutual, because only hephaistion’s mouth gets to be anywhere near alexander’s bum

philotas

  • works at the wildlife park
  • except they discover that he dissed alexander in an article on the park in the local paper
  • i.e. he gets interviewed anonymously but some of his quotes make it v obvious that it was him
  • needless to say he gets fired
  • they also stop speaking to his dad
  • hephaistion gets REALLY ANGRY about this affront to his boyfriend and runs an extensive smear campaign against philotas on social media in the form of incendiary memes that damn his credibility

darius

  • the guy next door with the really nice persian gardens
  • sadly, that macedonian kid with the bloody farm doesn’t appreciate Culture and keeps trespassing (i.e. building shit on his land and daring him to call the council)
  • darius doesn’t dare
  • instead he fucks off to where no one can get him (tasmania) and people will enjoy flowers more (tasmania)

roxana

  • used to work as a landscaper for darius, but alexander co-opts her into working for the wildlife park to make it look like he’s not just forcefully taking over (he is)
  • at least the animals have really nice grounds to wander now?
  • her family is from tajikistan
  • alexander won’t stop asking if it’s a real country
  • OR appropriating her culture
  • but she’s actually really fun to be around when you’re not being slightly racist to her 98% of the time
  • good friends with perdikkas

stateira

  • darius’ eldest daughter
  • a classical history nerd
  • to her father’s consternation, studying ancient greek
  • “how can you betray me like this! the language of our enemies” “dad wtf even GREEKS NOW can’t speak ancient greek, much less that macedonian kid”
  • doesn’t stop darius sending her over to try and negotiate in ancient greek
  • everyone is confused as fuck because she just starts conjugating verbs at them
  • also her sister drypetis is gay and chummy with hephaistion

sisygambis

  • the matriarch of darius’ family
  • doesn’t speak english but practically adopts alexander because she sees his culturally-appropriating ways as genuine cultural appreciation
  • also thinks hephaistion is hot
  • keeps winking at him and pinching his bum when he walks past
  • also, last but not least

bucephalas

  • a horse

I’d like to thank @dirtydeetaurasi for the inspiration

On names: Artemis

And here are some names and titles for Artemis. Some very generic ones, shared by many other divinities, plus lots of confusing geography, but still many great epithets.

Potnia Theron - mistress of beasts
Potna Thea - divine mistress, the Lady
Letois, Latoia - daughter of Leto
Kasignete Hekatoio - far-shooter’s sister
Homotrofos Apolloni - reared together with Apollon
Dios koure - daughter of Zeus
Akalanthis - goldfinch
Amphipyros - with a torch in each hand
Agrotere, Agrotera - of the wilds
Ariste - best, excellent
Astrateia - who stayed the (enemy) advance (referring to the Amazons in this case)
Apankhomene - strangled one (some mortal guys threatened to strangle her statue. Guess how that turned out for them. There are also hints human sacrifice through hanging happened, so this byname might refer to that)
Agoraia - of the Agora
Aristoboule - best in council
Akraia - she on high, of high places
Asylos - inviolable
Basileis - royal
Blaganitis - of frogs
Bousbatos - powerful as a bull
Diktynnaia - of the nets
Daphnaia - of the laurel tree
Delphinia - of dolphins
Dadoukhos - torch-bearer
Dynatera - almighty
Despoine - mistress
Dendritis - of trees
Eukleia - good glory
Epikrateia - of the realm
Elaphebolos - deer-shooting
Ellophonos - fawn-slaying?
Elateira - (chariot?-) driving
Eleuthera - free
Eleutho - liberator
Endiagros - inhabiting wild places?
Epimelidios - protector of sheep?
Eulinos - with good thread, good spinner
Euonymos - well-named
Eustephanos - well-crowned/girdled
Euplokamos - of beautiful locks
Elaphaia - of deer
Eulokheia - of good birth
Ekbateria - of disembarkment
Eunostos - of safe return
Euporia - of safe travels
Euskopos - with good, keen eyesight
Elate - lofty, of fir trees
Genetyllis - of births
Hagne - chaste, pure
Heleia - of marshes
Hemerasia - she who soothes
Hemere - gentle
Hymnia - of hymns
Hegemone - mistress, leader (of dance/song)
Hekate, Hekatebolos - far-shooting, remote
Hekaerge - who works from afar
Hiereia - priestess (sacred one?)
Horaia - who ripens
Heurippa - horse-finder
Hipposoa - horse driving
Iokheaira - of showering arrows, delighting in arrows
Kedreatis - of the cedar
Karyatis - of the walnut
Katagogis - descending
Kordax - of the kordax dance
Kalliste - of surpassing beauty
Khrysalakatos - with golden distaff/ golden shafts
Kynagia - of dogs
Khrysenios - of golden reins
Khrysothronos - golden-throned
Keladeina - strong-voiced, clamorous
Keladodromos - running noisily
Khrysaoros - with a golden sword
Khitone - wearing a chiton
Kynegetis, Kynagon - leading dogs
Klytotoxos - famous with the bow
Karpophagos - boar-eater
Lykeia, Lykaena - of wolves
Leukophryne, Leukophrys - white toad or white brow. It might also simply refer to the town of Leukophrys.
Limnaia - of the lake
Limenia, Limenitis - of the harbor
Limenoskopos - who surveys the harbor
Lokheia - of the blood of birth
Lysizone - who loosens the girdle
Lygodesme - willow-bound (regarding an image of the goddess)
Mesopolitis - in the middle of the city
Melissa - bee
Mogostokos - of hard childbirth
Orsilokhia - helper in childbirth
Orthia - upright (probably).
Patroia - ancestral
Pheraia - of wild beasts
Philomeirax - friend to young girls
Paidotrophos, Kourotrophos - who nurses children/the young
Phosphoros, Selasphoros - lightbringer
Protothronie - foremost on the throne
(Aidoios) Parthenos - (revered) virgin (huge surprise, this one)
Prostateria - standing in front, guardian
Proseoa - eastward facing
Phoibe - shining
Pyronia - of fire
Peitho - persuasion
Propylaia - of the gate
Proskopa - lookout
Paionia - healer
Paralia - of the coast
Pasikrateia - all-powerful
Polymastis - many-breasted
Potamia - of rivers
Prokathegemon - leader, guide
Soteira - saviour (saviours, saviours everywhere!)
Soodina - protectress (during labor?)
Theroskopos - hunter of beasts
Throsia - murmuring
Triklaria - of three territories/provinces
Tauropolos, Taurione - of Tauros or pulled by bulls, or bull-huntress
Thermaia - of hot springs
Toxia - of the bow
Toxotis - archer
Toxophoros - who carries a bow
There are also some local epithets, and sometimes Artemis of, say, Ephesus, was worshipped in other cities as well.
Astias - of Iasos
Brauronia - Brauronian (Attica)
Mounykhia - Mounykhian (Attica)
Aiginaia - of Aigina. Might also mean huntress of chamois, or wielder of a javelin (aiganea)?

Aitole - Aitolian
Koryphaia - of mount Koryphos (Argos), or she of the peak
Dereatis - of Dereion (Lakonia)
Alpheiousa, Alpheiosia, Alpheiaiai - of river Alpheios ( Elis)
Stymphalia - of lake Stymphalos (Arkadia)
Skiatis - of Skias (Arkadia)
Lykoa - of Lykoa (Arkadia)
Knakalesia - of mount Knakalos (Arkadia)
Amarynthia, Amarysia - unwithering? Also of Amarynthos (Euboia)
Pheraia - of Pherai (Thessalia)
Astyrena - of Astyre (Troad)
Rhokkaia - of Rhokkha (Krete)
Koloenis - of Koloe (Lydia)
Kindyas - of Kindye (Karia)
Ephesia - of Ephesos (Karia)
Pergaia - of Perge (Pamphylia)
Mysia - Mysian
Skythia - Skythian
Tauria - of Skythian Tauros
Kynthia - of the mount Kynthus
Delia - Delian
Kondyleatis - of Kondylea
Issoria - of mount Issorion
And, of course, let us not forget all those heroines and heroes!
Iphigeneia, Iphianassa - connected with the heroine Iphigeneia
Saronis - connected with the Argive hero Saron
Knagia, Knakeatis - connected with the Spartan hero Knageus
Elaphiaia - connected with the hero Elaphios of Elis
Kallisto - connected with the Arkadian heroine Kallisto
Laphria - connected with the hero Laphros of Phokis
Sarpedonia - of cape Sarpedon. Or connected with the Lykian hero Sarpedon?
There are also some goddesses, who are closely associated with Artemis for one reason or another, and sometimes their names were used as her titles.
Artio - Gaulish bear goddess
Aphaia - invisible
Britomartis - Cretan deity
Bendis - Thrakian goddess
Eileithiya - goddess of birth, often upstaged by Artemis.
Enodia - of the streets. Also associated with Hekate
Eurynome - wide rulership, broad distribution, wide-wandering
Anaitis - Lydian name for the Persian goddess Anahita