Moving Out and Getting an Apartment, Part 2: Finding the Damn Apartment

Don’t even bother reading this post unless you’ve read the first one on preparing to move out. This is for those brave folks who faced your bank account and came out victorious. The rest of you need to step up your game or get the fuck out.

Step 1. Budget that Shit

Before you can do anything with an apartment, you need to figure out what you can afford. If you’re piss-poor, you’re going to be looking at shitty places. But at least you’ll know and can start with the shitty places instead of raising that bar too high and then having to rip out your heart when you can’t afford them. If you’re going to have a roommate, make sure to make a budget together, that way you know ahead of time if they’re a total deadbeat who will abandon you with most of the rent. Finding a good roommate is this whole other issue that I won’t even go into right now.

What you need to do is make a list of all your monthly costs, not even the stuff you’re going to start paying, but whatever you pay for right now. Gas, car insurance, health insurance (for the truly wealthy and privileged), phone bills, and whatever other shit you spend your money on. You might want to adjust your spending and stop buying so much crap. Remember, you need to pack and move that crap later. You’re not going to be so excited about your extensive Yu-Gi-Oh collection when that time comes. Now add in your estimated utilities. You can fucking google that on your own, because it’s going to be different for wherever you want to live. Absolutely do this if you plan on moving to a different town or state. If you plan on moving to Chicago, LA, or New York, I hope you’re a goddamned heiress otherwise you’re going to be living in a shelter three months from now.

I think this part is a little ridiculous, but this is how property managers are going to figure out whether or not you’re as rich as you say you are: divide your total monthly income by three. Hey, look at that, it’s my good friend Math again. Funny how he keeps showing up. Make sure the number of your expenses is less than the other 2/3rds, if it is, you can continue. If it’s not, get the fuck out of here.

Okay, now take another hundred or three out of that for play money or emergencies or whatever. This final low low number is what you can afford to spend on rent. If you see this number and think “I’m fucked,” you probably are and you should just stay in your parent’s basement for another couple of years.

Step 2. Stay Within the Budget

I’m so fucking annoyed that I have to put this step in here at all for all you shitheads who look at all these fancy-ass places and get turned down. You just figured out your MAXIMUM rent. Don’t go above that.

Go somewhere like apartments.com and before you do anything else, put your maximum into the maximum rent range. This shouldn’t be that hard. I’m sure even you can manage it.

Step 3. Know What You Want

Okay, once you know all your limitations, you can pretend you’re the boss and focus on what you want. But here’s the shitty part: you’re probably going to have to compromise. Yeah, it’s nice to have a washer/dryer set in the apartment (especially if it’s included already, but that’s a damn fantasy), but you might need to settle for a laundromat nearby. If you’re rooming with someone, ask yourself, is this selfish bitch going to hog the bathroom for two hours every morning when you need to get ready? If so, maybe try to find somewhere with two bathrooms. Also, be prepared to fight over the bigger bedroom. Go in prepared for battle (and maybe be willing to pay a tiny bit over half if you get the bigger one, unless you’re a complete asshole). If you absolutely need your pet with you, narrow your search to pet-friendly places BEFORE you get kicked out of somewhere because your little pomeranian barks too much and gives you away. If you own a great dane or anything larger than a fucking breadbox, I am so so sorry. This search is going to be hell for you.

Okay. Go ahead and put all of that shit into an apartment search engine. Apartments.com is probably the least sketchy, but hey, maybe you’re looking for a place to house your meth lab and sketchy works for you. I don’t ask questions.

Step 4. Do Some Fucking Research

You’re going to live in this place. You’re going to be so poor you’re going to spend most of your time in this apartment, so you better fucking love it. Look at all the floor plans once you find places in your price range. Actually think about what’s on it. Will your oven and fridge open into each other? Do you need a hall closet to split up your enormous hoarder-like shoe collection? How big are the bedrooms? Is your bathroom basically one of those horrific bathroom stalls in stores where you have to stand on the toilet just to close the door? You’re not going to put up with that kind of shit every goddamned day for the next year.

Look at some maps of the area. Is the nearest grocery store two towns away? Is it near your work, or are you going to have to get up an extra hour earlier to avoid rush hour? Do yourself a favor and make a custom google map. Yeah, google has everything. It’s going to save your life someday. Probably in the form of some sentient, unforgiving android, but for today, we’ll stick to maps. Put all your potential apartments on there and put your work on there and whatever other terrible places you visit daily. If you have a roommate, share the map so they can see how selfish you’ve been by making sure your commute is short and theirs is two hours.

You should also check out the maps on crimereports.com so you know if you’re living next door to a sex offender or something. This is good for the meth lab owners, too, because you don’t want to move in next to someone who got caught for that kind of shit. You don’t need to deal with that kind of competition.

If you’re really dedicated, and I hope to God you are, you can google the hell out of that shit. Find out everything you can about this apartment you’ve found. Wikisearch the town, read reviews on yelp, figure out which pizza places deliver past midnight. 

Step 5. Narrow Down Your Choices

Focus on your top 10. Then your top 5. Then your top 3. Don’t go any farther than that (and don’t get rid of the research for the other 7 just yet). Create crazy complicated rating systems. Make an excel sheet or start putting stuff on your wall and connecting them with strings. Go full-on serial killer. Dedicate yourself.

Step 6. Visit

Don’t try to move in somewhere you’ve never even fucking seen. If you do, you deserve all the secret horrors that await you. Call or email the managers and try to pick a day to visit when they’re available. You don’t want to show up somewhere and find out they just sold their last place or they’re closed or something.

When you do visit, take pictures. Take enough pictures that you could use them to potentially break into the place in the future. But don’t actually do that unless you’re prepared to go to jail for it. But do take pictures, even of things you don’t think are important. Take pictures of the ceiling so you know if there’s any overhead light to illuminate all your past mistakes at 3 AM when you’re sitting on the kitchen floor eating a tube of cookie dough. You should also make note of how big the room is so you know if you can even fit what little you own. The same goes for the hallways or stairs or whatever exists outside the apartment on the way from your car. Could you get your mattress through all that shit?

You should ask millions of questions, by the way. I don’t care if you hate talking to people, you need to get over that and talk to this person. Apartments.com and My First Apartment both have lists of questions to ask. Or just google it like you do everything else. 

Step 7. Get the Goddamn Apartment

When you figure out what you want and have gone through all the previous steps, you can work on getting the apartment. Call the leasing office and let them know what you want. When you actually show up, pretend you’re showing up for a fucking job interview. Let them know that you’re the best goddamn tenant they could hope for and you’re the picture of perfection, even though we both know you’re a total fuckup. Don’t let the landlord know that yet. If you ace this secret interview, the office will ask for a security deposit. Better have that money ready! This is one of those rare times in your life that someone might require a physical check. We have a post on that if you’re one of those ignorant fucks who can’t write a check. Then they’re going to run a credit check and you better know that shit ahead of time and be prepared to defend yourself if necessary. After a few days, the manager will give you a call with either great news or to laugh at you because you done fucked up. This is either the end of your search or the beginning of a new one. Either way, we’re done here.

This is by no means a complete guide, so if you have any specific questions, please let us know and I’ll do my best to answer them for you.

The Romanticization of the “First Apartment”

News Flash: Your first apartment is going to be many things, but perfect isn’t one of them. As someone who is on their third apartment, you should know that your first apartment will suck, because you don’t know what’s important to you yet. But you will. Here are some things to consider about your first place.

  • Know that there will be bugs. Ants, cockroaches, etc. will be a fixture in your first apartment. Unless you are paying out the rear for a super fancy place, which is ridiculous, but whatever, you will encounter little buggy friends. Avoid this by keeping your place reasonably clean, take the trash out frequently, and try not to keep piles of paper everywhere. This helps a lot with keeping them at bay. Or keep a can of raid on you. That helps too.
  • Choose what is going to work best for you. Do you have a car? If not, find a place that is close to stores (clothing and grocery) and a Laundromat if your apartment doesn’t have a washer/dryer. I have been lucky enough to have lived in apartments that came with a washer/dryer, but that is an amenity that I have rented from the complex. Do you rely on public transit? Check what routes go by your place. I didn’t realize that my first complex didn’t go to the main shopping plaza in town until after I moved in. And I was grateful at my second apartment, there was a grocery store literally right outside the front gates.
  • Decide how much you want to spend early and do your research. Some complex’s bundle internet and utilities into your rent, others don’t. Check with your complex FIRST rather than later about this. Suppose you want to find a place for under $500. Does this include utilities/internet?  If yes, you need to check whether your place bundles or not. Because if they don’t, you should actually be looking for a place that is closer to $400 to allow for these things.
  • And finally, VISIT THE PLACE BEFORE YOU SIGN A LEASE. My first apartment was situated so I had zero natural light and the one window faced a hallway, so I could never leave the blinds open. This is something I realized I hated only after moving in. And I didn’t visit the place before moving in, so I could have at least seen the problem beforehand.  The carpet and furniture provided was also dreary and ugly, and while I didn’t mind the apartment, I also didn’t enjoy living there.

I’m going to talk in a later post about what you actually need for an apartment, useful things to have, how to pack if you’re moving in just a car, etc.

I hope this helped. If you have questions, let me know!



Moving Out and Getting an Apartment, Part 3: Questions to Ask about the Damn Apartment

STOP. Before you do anything, read my posts on Preparing to Move Out (Are You Sure?) and Finding the Damn Apartment.

Alright, so you’ve gotten to the point where you actually believe yourself when you say you’re adult enough to live on your own. You should probably seek psychiatric help, but on the off-chance you’re right, and you’ve already figured out what you want in an apartment and found some that look promising, I’ve compiled a list of topics to ask about when visiting possible apartments.

Yep, that’s right: you’re going to have to talk to someone. Someone who needs to think you are an adult. Someone who will determine your worthiness for that hellhole of an apartment. It’s time for an Adult Conversation.

Too fucking bad.

I’m assuming you’ve already done the research I told you to do in Part 2. God have mercy on your soul if you didn’t, because I’m not going to cover questions related to the things I told you to look up. Sucks to be you.

Keep reading

Pro-Tip #35: Check the Cabinets

When you’re house and apartment hunting, there’s a lot to look at. Probably too much. More than you’re going to remember to look at, that’s for sure. But you should probably look in the cabinets and make sure they’re not secretly full of mouse poop and insects. Most evidence of this throughout the rest of the place will have already been swept and scrubbed away, but just like you are going to forget to look in the cabinets, landlords forget to deep clean them. If there’s any evidence of household pests to be found, it’s gonna be in the corners and on the undersides of those suckers.

For more information on what to look for & what to ask on a walk-through, try my guide (link).

anonymous asked:

Do apt buildings usually give your security deposit back before you move out? I'm stressing about raising the money for my next apt

Yes. A security deposit is something that the landlord collects at the beginning of your lease to cover themselves if you damage the property or run out without paying your rent. If you break the terms of your lease, you lose your deposit, but so long as you haven’t damaged anything, have paid off your full balance, and the apartment is in the move-out state specified in your lease, you will get the deposit back.

However, I should note that you won’t get it immediately upon returning the keys. The landlord will go through an inspection of the apartment and it may take a few days to process the payment for you.

anonymous asked:

I'm going to be moving out soon, and I was wondering, is there a trend in how much utilities tend to be when added onto rent? I know like heating ranges a lot between an apartment vs a house but for electricity in general (water is p cheap in baltimore, kinda irrelevant) I can't really find anything consistent. I keep seeing that you should assume your utilities are like 20% of your rent in a house or 10% apartment but I can't see spending 50 bucks when rent is 500 dollars. Seems too low.

Check in with our friends over at MyFirstApartment for their guide. There’s no point in me covering this when they already have the answers (Zillow shared the same thing).

roommate search!

So I figured it’d be safer and a bit more productive if I posted my little ad on here before posting anywhere else.

I’m going to be moving to Denver in January and I’d like 1-2 or maybe 3 roommates. I’m going to be going to CU and I honestly can’t afford to live alone without having little to nothing left over. I’m a 21 year old female.

I’d like someone who’s responsible but knows how to have a good time. I expect that there’ll be nights when we drink, but we won’t get too crazy about it. I’m a musician and a singer so I will have my instruments. That’ll add for a bit of noise to the equation. I’m not terribly picky whether or not you’re loud or quiet but I we need to have common courtesy.

I’d ideally like someone 21+ to live with! That way we don’t have to worry about leaving someone behind if we go out. As far as lifestyle stuff, I’m extremely open to anything. This includes 420 friendly. Just no drugs. I like to go to concerts, go out on the town & explore, and travel. Staying in is nice too. You can see all the sorts of things I’m into here on my blog :p I’d like to eventually become friends with whoever I live with because it just makes things a lot easier and more fun.

As far as the bills, everything will be split equally. We can discuss this more once we get an idea of what we want.

Hopefully this was thorough enough!Please message me if this sounds like a good idea to you!

Tip when renting an apartment

Some of you may not know this, but most apartment complexes will require you to be either: employed, full time student in which case you need a guarantor to sign for you.  Even if you can show a fuckton of money in a bank account they’ll still need one of those two things.

Think of this well before you choose an apartment. And if you’re moving to a new building especially after graduating university TAKE THIS INTO ACCOUNT MORE THAN 2 ½ MONTHS BEFORE YOUR LEASE RUNS OUT!!!

–Dionysus (we got rejected for an apartment because we’re both job hunting.  have to resign this shithole for another year…..ended up causing me to have a panic attack)

Apartment: Scored.

On August 1st I’ll be moving into my own sweet, teeny tiny apartment right in the heart of Philadelphia. 

After running this blog for over a year, I feel like I’m finally being put to the test to turn this studio into something magical! Just thinking about packing up everything and somehow turning this little 325 square foot space into one that’s stylish and functional is giving me jitters.

I guess I did set my sights high with the goal of finding and creating The Best Little Apartment … ;)