anyway i'm off to real life tomorrow

Random shit for your muse to say to mine:
  • "Dude don't tweet those dick pics."
  • "Please just take my word for this, werewolves do not like it when you put them in diapers."
  • "I have to pee like a god damn bitch."
  • "I tattooed your name on my ass."
  • "I can't afford to pay you for your time, but may I offer you a free puppy instead?"
  • "Your handwriting looks like a snake got a happy ending massage."
  • "I will drown you in cheap wine and bury you in used cigarettes."
  • "I would literally rather suck Satan's dick than sit through that class one more day."
  • "Did my left boob get bigger or did the right one shrink?"
  • "You taste like burnt popcorn and smell like fudge."
  • "Don't use carmex in place of lube."
  • "This is the shittiest mascara I have ever wasted ten bucks on."
  • "If I were Miz Frizzle you'd never make it back from our field trip."
  • "I will pay you thirty-eight cents to take off all your clothes right this very second."
  • "Is killing my professor so there's no class tomorrow worth the jail time I'll have to serve?"
  • "All that is gold glitters like it's worth a shit ton of money."
  • "Don't fucking piss on my bed."
  • "Which level of hell am I going to for filling his shoes with Legos?"
  • "I convinced him you're a vampire so pretty please drink this cup of blood in front of him? I promise you it's not real. Probably. I don't think. I mean, what's life without a couple of risks anyway?"
  • "I'm tickled like a porcupine in July."
  • "I wanna be buried in glitter."
  • "I mean, I certainly don't wanna live in denial personally but I promise I'll come visit you sometimes."
  • "Bill Nye couldn't even help you."
  • "I need you to bring me a new set of clothes and a hug."
  • "So help me if you say another word I am voting your dumbass off friendship island."
  • "How much money will it take to get you to let me dye your hair half bright pink and half neon green?"
  • "Fuck Katy Perry and her lies; that mascara is the shittiest thing ever."
  • "I don't think you understand how lesbians work."