any beer

Random joke magic items

Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:

1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.

2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.

3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.

4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.

5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.

6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.

7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.

8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.

9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.

10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.

11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.

12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.

13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.

14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.

15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.

16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.

17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.

18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.

19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.

20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.

21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.

22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.

23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.

24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.

25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will

26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.

27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.

28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.

29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.

30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.

31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.

32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.

33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.

34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.

35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.

36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.

37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.

38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.

39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.

40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.

50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.

51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.

52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.

53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.

54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.

55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.

56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.

57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.

58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.

59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.

60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single 'smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.

61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.

62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.

63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.

64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.

65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.

66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.

67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.

68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.

69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.

70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.

71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.

72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.

73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.

74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!

75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.

76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.

77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.

79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.

80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.

81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.

82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…

83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.

84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.

85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.

86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.

87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.

88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.

89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.

90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.

91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed

92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.

93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.

94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.

95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack

96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.

97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.

98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip

99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.

100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.

101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.

102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!

103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.

104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.

105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.

106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.

Imagine Jack spilling to you what Dean thinks, and practically feels, of you when he reads his mind.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait.” Dean raised a hand, stopping Jack from drinking his beer “How old do you think you are?” he asked, mouth half full as you and Sam shared a look.

“Uh 3 days, 17 hours and 42 minutes.” Jack replied precisely to the question and seeing the look on Dean’s face almost made you choke on your own drink. It was priceless to say the least. Barely at four days old and the young man had already outsassed the older Winchester, well this was going to be fun. Dean just shook his head and took a sip of his beer, Jack watching closely and doing the same at the exact almost moment.

“So-” Jack cleared his throat, looking at you “You are my aunt, right?”

“Uh well-” you smiled “Was, actually. I’m no longer an angel, I fell and after building a vessel things happened and… there is no angel mojo in me anymore. So I am practically human.”

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The Fight

Warning: Angst


Dean was pissed.

 The car drove silently along the dark, empty road. Not even the sounds of Zeppelin played in the background. His knuckles were white. You knew you were in for it when you got home. You knew that you two were going to yell at each other until you were blue in the face and you were more than likely spending the night in your old bedroom. You had been spending a lot of time there recently. You were starting to wonder if maybe you should move your stuff back in there.

 You and Dean had been fighting more and more these past few months. It was about anything and everything. You didn’t pick up any beer. You forgot to pack an extra shirt and now I’m stuck giving you mine. It was everything. He had just started flirting with bartenders when you went out after hunts. It was only a matter of time until he forgot all about you.

 You were hurting. Dean was the love of your life. He was there for you when you needed him the most. He made your heart race and your knees weak. He brought out the best in you and sometimes the worst. He challenged you in the best ways. Now? Now it felt like you were the last thing on his mind unless he was pissed at you. You no longer felt like you were the girl he loved. You felt like it didn’t matter if you were there or not. You fought so much that you’d rather that than face life without him.

 Dean pulled into the garage and cut the engine. You were out of the car faster than you ever had been. You forgot about your bags and headed straight in, Dean hot on your tail. You weren’t ready for this fight. You weren’t ready for any of them. But this time, you were so close to your breaking point. You couldn’t handle it today. You didn’t want to have this fight. You wanted to feel your boyfriend’s arms around you, and just for once. Just once, have him tell you that everything was going to be okay.

 That was wishful thinking.

 “What was that back there?” he started, shrugging his jacket of his shoulders.

 “I made a mistake,” you admitted.

 “A mistake? You nearly got yourself killed Y/N!” he raised his voice.

 “Yeah I know. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” you practically whispered.

 “That’s what you said last time,” he scoffed.

 “Dean, I really don’t want to fight,” you said softly. “We fight all the time. Can’t we argue about this tomorrow and just go to bed?”

 “Fine. Don’t wait up,” he practically growled, grabbing his jacket. He was headed to the bar.

 “Dean!”

 “What?” He rolled his eyes.

 “What happened to us? We never used to be like this,” you breathed out.

 “You knew how hard this was going to be before we started-”

 “Of course I did, Dean! We’re hunters. We don’t know if we’re going to have tomorrow or not but that’s not what I meant. We never used to fight like this. Now it’s like every conversation we have, it turns into an argument,” you started. “Is this not enough for you anymore? Am I not enough for you?”

 “Can we talk about this later?”

 “No! No we can’t! I’ve been pushing this down for months Dean! MONTHS! Every fight! Every time you absentmindedly flirt with the bartender right in front of my face. You think I don’t feel it every time I sleep by myself? You think that this what I want hanging over my head every day? Constantly wondering if today is the day you kick me out or worse, tells me that you don’t love me anymore.”

 “Y/N, stop!”

 “You know, a part of me wished that I would have gotten seriously hurt on that hunt today. It’s a sad thought that I figured that if I got hurt that maybe my boyfriend would care. Maybe he would stop fighting with me to realize that I was hurting more than just physically.  But you don’t care and I can’t make you care. Just like I can’t make you fall in love with me again,” you sniffled, wiping away the tear that slipped down your cheek.  “I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you Dean. I can’t keep putting myself through this. I love you with all my heart, Dean and more. When we were happy together, you gave me some of the greatest memories. But I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”

 “Don’t. Don’t walk away,” he pleaded.

“Give me one good reason not to.”

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Stoned On You

A/N: Hiii. This is a collaboration with me and @minhosmeanhoe . We figured out  that we’re the same person with the same dirty mind and this was the outcome. This is the longest and most smut I’m sure either of us has ever written in our lives and I hope you guys love reading as much as we loved writing it ! The song that goes with this fic is Stoned On You by Jaymes Young

Warnings: smut; smoking (weed), drinking, mentions of violence, hair pulling; I’m sure there is more but idk rn

Word Count: 12,529

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marino-kun  asked:

Do you take prompt? What about Stiles having a secret crush on Derek but when saw him, taking care Scott's son, he fell in love.

I’m not much of a kid fic person, so this took me a while, but I tried. Hopefully it’s kind of what you were angling for!

*

“Do you think I’m ready for fatherhood?” Stiles asks, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. He’s not freaking out about this. He’s not.

Boyd says flatly, “Stilinski, you’re twenty-one years old. You’re supposed to know how to use a condom by now.“

Stiles’ hand spasms and he accidentally squirts a huge glob of ketchup on his mound of curly fries. Fuck. He has the ideal ketchup-to-curly-fry ratio down to a science, and this is not it. “No, absolutely not what I meant. It’s just. Did you know Derek had a kid?”

Boyd meditatively takes a bite of his burger. “No. But the nice thing about Derek is that he doesn’t go in for personal talk.”

Stiles shoots him a weird look. Of course Boyd would think that was nice. Stiles, though, has been trying to break down Derek’s walls even just a little bit for months now—sitting with him in class, sharing his notes, studying with him in the library and getting late-night waffles together afterwards, little by little pulling Derek out of his shell. He’d thought he was getting somewhere, but obviously not, not if Derek failed to mention this kid even existed.

Which he does. Stiles knows, because he can see him right now, over by Prof. Martin’s pool. Apparently his name is Jamie.

Keep reading

Deeper Than Ink | 01

P R E M I S E ⇒

Should you fall in love with someone, even in the slightest, your skin becomes marked with vibrant colors that depict the story of your emotions. A tattoo, per say. However, should they or you fall out of love, the bright hues dull to black and the feelings you once had for each other melt away. To many, it’s a blessing to not have to live with the pain of your past. But what’s the point when you have too many reminders–say 27?

P A I R I N G ⇒  namjoon x reader

G E N R E ⇒  angst, tattoo au, soulmate au

W O R D S ⇒  7.281

P A R T ⇒  one | two | three


Pebbles bounced against the sidewalk, caught between the concrete and the rubber soles of boots dragging across the pavement. The movement was slow and the sound was reminiscent of a modern romantic defeat, another tally to add to the chalkboard. Another inked reminder that would be incomplete on a pale skin canvas.

A single finger rose to itch at the back of a studded ear, scratching just above the intricate black swirls of patterned water that was splayed over a neck. The owner of this design–and the 27 others cluttering his skin–wasn’t a lost cause or a serial romantic as many had come to believe. But potentially the most unlucky man in the world.

There were many others like him, decorated in dozens of these brandishes to signify their accomplishments in a manner akin to a trophy shelf. Their skin was littered with these marks of past lovers who were only intended to become blackened symbols. However, hoarding tattoos of ones he adored was not a game to him like it was to others; he feared the attention and judgment that his ink gave him.

He was enamored by people and their stories, the things they had to say and the words that they would whisper to him. Falling for them was simply a side effect of his own curiosity that he had no control over, as the patterns would only appear when the emotions were mutual. People were drawn to him, not for the art etched into him, but for his elegant thoughts and charming words.

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The Contest - Chapter 1

As you and the rest of The Avengers test your willpower in an unusual challenge, your attempts to remain Master of your Domain are complicated when James “Bucky” Barnes makes you his mission.

Pairing:
  Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings:
Chapter 1 is a slow build, Smut to come, Fluff for now, Swearing, Flirting, Sexual tension, Teasing, Dirty Talk, Language, NSFW, Mjölnir kink, Bucky Barnes

Word Count:
3,232

Chapter 2

A/N: Bucky has been a little pouty while I wrote a few Sebby stories so I want to give him a little attention.  My last two Seb stories have been smut intense so I thought I’d test out some lighter fare.  Props to all the writers who take on Avenger stories on a regular basis - this has been a challenge.

Thanks to all my twitter babes, @evansrogerskitten @ek823 @pearljamkaren  @thewife101cevans, @avenger-nerd-mom, @virtualgirlfriendsan and @mistressjenbradlee who never fail to inspire the smut. p.s. There’s some Chris  in here too ;) p.s.s. I figured out how to make a Master List page lol

Chapter 1: Master Of My Domain

Looking around the living room in the Avengers compound, you couldn’t help but smile.  The team had gathered to celebrate a grueling but successful mission and everyone was in great spirits.  The drinks flowed and laughter rang out as you, Tony and Thor performed a rather animated reenactment of the covert operation.  As the three of you shamelessly exaggerated the events of the past week to position yourselves as the stars of the mission, Natasha and Bruce heckled drunkingly from the audience. Steve and Bucky, not feeling any effects from the beers they were downing, intermittently rolled their eyes and threw beer caps in protest.

Collapsing on the couch beside Steve after taking your bows, a twinge of warmth spreads through your body.  Even though you had only joined the Avengers three months ago, you had quickly developed a deep connection to your team members. They were the closest thing to a family you had ever had.  Looking up at Steve as you nuzzle his chest, you smile gratefully at the man who had rescued you from your bleak captivity as a Russian operative.  Taking in your inebriated state, he frowns and wraps a strong arm around your shoulder, trapping you in a protective grip.

“You better slow down on the martinis,” Steve cautions.

“You’re such a big brother,” you chuckle, reaching up to ruffle his perfect hair.

God he was handsome.  You giggle, remembering the first time you kissed Captain America. His wet, full lips pressed softly against yours. It was so sweet, so gentle, so…platonic.  It was in that moment, you both realized you were better suited as friends than lovers.

Steve kisses your forehead and looks around the room.  "Well you’re drunk and I don’t want any of these punks to take advantage of such a sweet, innocent thing like you,“ he says jokingly, but with a hint of serious intent.  "Especially that one.”  He juts out his chin to motion to the handsome, solitary figure sitting across from you.

James Buchanan Barnes.

Just the mere thought of the super solider was enough to bring a stain to your cheeks and to your panties. Looking shyly over your shoulder, you sneak a quick look at Bucky who is silently peeling the label off his beer bottle while ignoring the lively chatter around him. Damn he looked hot tonight in his tight black jeans and t-shirt that perfectly outlined every hard muscle in his body. Your head spins as you drink in the soft curve of his lips and sharp lines of his cheekbones.  As your gaze runs down the chiselled sweep of his jaw to his neck, Bucky’s body suddenly stiffens.  Sensing your stare, Bucky’s head snaps up, his icy blue eyes bearing down onto yours.  You bite down hard on your bottom lip as a shiver runs down your spine.  Watching your reaction, a mix of frustration and pain wash over Bucky’s features.  He turns away and bolts from his seat, scrambling to join Nat and Bruce in conversation.

Heart dropping, you lower your head into Steve’s chest and sigh.  From the very first moment you had met Bucky - his calloused hand wrapped around yours in a forgotten handshake while he stared deeply into your eyes in stunned silence - he had awakened a part of your heart you thought had been destroyed.  But after months of trying to establish even a simple friendship had gone nowhere, you resigned yourself to the fact that the attraction wasn’t mutual. He seemed to ignore you at every turn, only acknowledging your existence when it became necessary for training or during a mission.  Steve’s constant explanations that all Bucky needed was more time to get past his trust issues were wearing thin.  You sensed there was something deeper at play but you just couldn’t figure out why Bucky Barnes hated you.

Before you can reassure Steve that Bucky can barely stand to lay his eyes on you, let alone any other body part, you hear Tony scoffing loudly at Cap’s claim.

“Innocent my ass,” he drawls. “There ain’t nothing innocent about those noises coming from her bedroom at night.”

“What?  Wait no,” you protest over the ensuing hoots and catcalls. “I’ve never had anyone up in my room.  I haven’t even had sex since I moved in here.”

You regretted the words the second they left your lips.  Out of the corner of your eye, you see Bucky turn his full attention to the discussion and take a few steps closer to you.

“Bullshit,” coughs Natasha.  "Guys are constantly hitting on you when we go out.“

“What about that really cute doctor that keeps asking you out?  Bill…umm Bob…no Ben!”

You glare hard at her, silently willing her to stop.  She innocently takes a sip of her drink and raises an eyebrow at you before glancing sideways at Bucky.

“Who the hell is Ben,” Steve and Bucky shout in unison. You flinch at the sound of Bucky’s tense voice. Turning to face him, you’re greeted by his blazing eyes and the sight of his metal hand forming a tight fist.  This uncharacteristic show of emotion aimed squarely at you makes your head swim.

“Ben is no one, he’s just this guy I met,” you stammer in confusion, your eyes locked on Bucky’s.  "We haven’t gone out on a date or anything.  I’m not interested in Ben.“

Upon hearing your exasperated confession, Bucky’s eyes soften and his lips curl up into a slight smile.  The blood is pounding so loudly in your ears, that you barely hear Tony’s response.

“So if you’re not getting your rocks off with Doctor Ben MD,” he asks slyly “then which one of us is making you so hot and bothered every night that you need to, ahem, relieve the tension?”  Tearing your eyes off Bucky, you look over at Tony.  You begin to roll your eyes hard as he wiggles his eyebrows and shoots you an over-the-top seductive look.  Not to be outdone, Thor pushes out his massive chest and strikes a regal pose.  Bruce meanwhile fidgets with his hands before giving you a shy smile.  Turning to Steve for backup, you’re surprised to see him playing along - looking up at you through his long lashes with a sweet, puppy dog face.  You punch his arm in disgust.

“Et tu, Rogers?”

Not daring to glance over to the one person you know can make you come undone with just a look, you miss the wide smirk on Bucky’s face.

“Puu-lease,” you growl, gaining your composure. “I can control my urges…”

Pausing, you catch Tony’s gaze making its way down your body and you are struck with urge to turn the tables.  Rising from your seat you walk over to him slowly, hips swaying.  Leaning over to provide him with an unobstructed view of your ample cleavage, you take the martini from his hand and murmur seductively, “which is a lot more than I can say about you Stark.”

Tony swallows hard as you straighten up to take a sip of his drink before raising it to toast to your willpower.  "I however, am the master of my domain.“

Groans fill the room.

“I understood that reference,” chuckles Steve proudly.

“Hold up sweetheart,” snickers Tony.  "Are you trying to tell me that you could go longer without having an orgasm than moi?“

"That’s not what I meant Tony,” you huff, shaking your head as you make your way back to your seat. “But sure, I bet you would crack way before me.”

A devious smile spreads across Tony’s face.  "Challenge accepted.“

Confused looks are exchanged amongst the other team members while you narrow your eyes at Tony, waiting for him to deliver the punch line.  He just continues to smile.

Steve rubs his forehead.  "Tony, tell me you’re not suggesting that you two have a contest to see…”

Tony cuts him off with a wave of his hand and jumps to his feet.  "No, not just the two of us, we are all taking part.  Don’t forget, it’s my turn to organize the team building exercise for the month.“

"You are crazy if you think I’m going to take part in this deranged experiment,” exclaims Bruce.

Natasha tilts her head to the side and runs her hand up Bruce’s chest. “Don’t think you can hold out Banner?”  He laughs nervously in response.

Ignoring the protests from the team, Tony buttons his jacket and begins to pace back and forth, silently in thought.

“I’m in,” volunteers Bucky as he sits down next to you.

Tony points to Bucky in appreciation.  "Now there’s a team player.“

Bucky looks straight ahead, avoiding your shocked expression as he takes a long swig of his beer.

"OK, here are the rules.” Tony announces with a flourish.

“No orgasms of any kind - whether achieved by manual or oral stimulation, intercourse or by using any type of device - will be permitted during the contest period.”

“Players will refrain from touching other contestants suggestively, outwardly seducing them or from walking around in an unacceptable state of undress until after the contest is over. Sexual innuendoes and basic swearing and/or dirty talk will be allowed in the general context of our day to day banter.”

“There will be no external stimuli allowed in the compound.  So no strippers, porn, groupies, etcetera.”

Steve leans over to Bucky. “We have groupies?”  Bucky shrugs his shoulders.

“And now to make it interesting,”  Tony says with a smile.

“The first two people to drop out of the contest will have to cook all the team meals for one month.”

“Oh god, please don’t let it be Natasha,” jokes Steve, narrowly dodging an olive thrown by the red-head.

“The third person eliminated will have to organize the monthly team building events for the rest of the year.  Good luck topping this one.”

“The fourth person eliminated will execute any weekly social activities requested by the team for the next four months.”

“The fifth person eliminated will file the weekly team status reports for the next three months.”

“I want you to get that one Bucky,” Natasha says gleefully.  You try not to laugh as you picture Bucky hunched over a computer swearing while he stabs the keyboard with his two index fingers.

“And for the last two standing.  The winner will be entitled to request, within reason of course, three favours from the runner-up that can’t be refused.”

Tony pauses to look at you. “You do own a bikini right?  You’ll need something to wear while you wash my cars.”

You raise your middle finger. “Bite me.”

Bucky silently chuckles at your words.

Bruce clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. “So, just how will we, ummm, determine if someone has well, you know…”

Tony looks around the room with an expression of pride.  "F.R.I.D.A.Y., initiate the Climax Protocol.“

"Protocol Climax has been initiated.”

Steve chokes on his drink.  "What the hell is the Climax Protocol?“

"The Climax Protocol is a program developed by Tony Stark to identify the occurrence of an orgasm within a subject,”  answers F.R.I.D.A.Y. while the team sits in complete silence.  "The program measures the activity in areas of the brain impacted by sexual arousal including the nucleus accumbens, ventral tegmental area, amygdala, cerebellum, and the pituitary gland along with the levels of neurochemicals present.“

"You’ve gone mad,” says Bruce as he scrutinizes Tony with a look of bewilderment.  "What on earth possessed you to create this program?“

"It’s for science,” answers Tony matter-of-factly.  "I even have portable devices for us to wear when we leave the compound.“

"Wait,” stammers Steve.  "Not those silicone bands you made us wear on that mission in Budapest?  I thought those were to monitor our heart rates.“

"Well, technically yes they do, among other things.” Tony purses his lips tight to suppress a laugh while he watches Steve’s face turn pink.

The team erupts with laughter and once again a celebratory mood fills the room.

It’s almost midnight when the team starts in on Thor’s cask of Asgardian mead.  "The drink of the Gods,“ exclaims Thor as he pours you another glass of the potent brew.

You sink into the couch with your drink, wedged cozily between Steve and Bucky, who strangely enough hasn’t left your side since the talk of the contest started.  After months of barely giving you a passing glance, suddenly having Bucky so close kicks your senses in overdrive.

Silently drinking your mead, you try hard to focus on the conversation Steve and Bucky are having but you can barely form a simple thought as you breathe in Bucky’s scent and feel his taut body moving next to yours.  The low, sexy timbre of his voice is like a siren song, drawing you closer to drown in his ocean blue eyes or become mesmerized by the way his lips move when he speaks.  Your mind starts to drift, imagining how sweet those full lips would taste, how they would feel as they made their way down your body. Wetness pooling between your legs, you start to imagine Bucky’s warm, wet mouth on your pussy.

Deep in your fantasy, you at first don’t think anything of it when Bucky leans into you several times during his conversation with Steve.  By the time you realize he’s been inching his body closer to you with each pass, his thigh is already pressed up hard against yours.  As he reaches across to playfully punch Steve’s shoulder in response to something he said, Bucky deliberately brushes his metal arm across your breasts, sending a jolt of electricity down to your core.  He chuckles lowly as you moan into his ear.

"You alright doll,” he says with mock concern as he watches you squeeze your thighs together.

“Or do you need to head back to your room to take care of that?”

Ignoring the scowl on your face, he casually drapes his arm behind you on the back of the couch and starts to lightly trace his metal fingertips on your bare shoulder.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t go down so quickly on me.  Well, at least not until after I win the contest.”

He tilts his head and winks at you.  You blush deeply - half from arousal, half out of anger at his smug cockiness - and cast your gaze down to avoid his stare.  Eyes drifting to his lap, a smirk starts to spread across your face.  You look up at him coyly through your lashes.

“How cute are you Barnes, talking the big game,” you purr as your hand coasts up his thigh and stops just sort of a bulge that’s forming in his tight jeans.  "You should really give that tongue of yours a rest though, for when you lose of course.“

"You’re going to need it for what I’ve got planned for that smart mouth of yours.”

Your hand dips slightly between his legs and squeezes his thigh.  His eyes flutter closed for a brief instant but snap open quickly when Thor calls out his name.

“Young Bucky,” he roars.  "Are you worthy to possess the power of Thor?“

You both look over to see Tony, Natasha and Bruce gathered around Thor’s Mjölnir.  Bolstered by the mead, they were each taking turns to see who could lift the hammer from the coffee table.

Bucky shakes his head laughing, "Not even close.”

“What’s wrong soldier,” you tease.  "Can’t get it up?“

"Try me doll,” he murmurs, throwing his arms wide open in invitation while he sits back smiling.

Before you can answer, the team begins to loudly cajole you into testing your worthiness. Standing up from the couch, the effects of the asgardian liquor washes over you and you find yourself swaying back down towards your seat.  Two hands quickly wrap around your waist to steady you.  As you reach down to squeeze what you assume are Steve’s hands, you feel the touch of cool metal.  Looking down, you’re met with Bucky’s smug grin and the feeling of his fingers moving down your backside.  You clumsily swat his hands away and stagger over to the Mjölnir.

You have never been this close to Thor’s hammer and you find yourself in total awe of it’s power.  As you absentmindedly begin to circle the tip of the handle with the pad of your thumb, you look up to see Bucky watching your movements closely while biting down on his bottom lip.

“Well this could be fun,” you think chuckling to yourself.  Hearing your laugh, Bucky furls his brow and leans forward, hands clasped tight with his elbows resting on his thighs, waiting to see what you have planned.

“Mmmmm, so hard and long,” you sigh as you begin to run your fingers up and down the leather clad handle, your eyes fixed squarely on Bucky.

Bucky crosses his arms and leans back on the couch, shaking his head while he forms his lips in a tight, disapproving smile.

“It’s so big, I can barely get my hand around it.”

Fingers wrapped tightly around the handle, you begin to move your hand up and down slowly.  You give Bucky one more smile before you close your eyes and throw your head back.  Obscene, breathy grunts start to spill from your mouth as you tug at the ridged shaft.

You smile as you hear Bucky start swearing in Russian under his breath.  You bring your head forward and open your eyes to meet the amused looks of your teammates.  You give yourself a mental high-five when you notice Bucky has strategically placed a large pillow in his lap.

“Like I said Cap,” mutters Tony, rolling his eyes at Steve, “innocent my ass.”  

Turning to Thor, you smile sweetly and shrug your shoulders.

“Guess I’m not worthy to rule Asgard.”

Slightly dazed, Thor picks up his hammer and bows in front of you.

“That my lady, was a performance worthy of a King.  If you would…I need to…I must go now.”

Natasha sidles up beside you as you watch Thor make his way to the elevator.

“Damn girl, are you trying to kill Barnes,” she whispers approvingly.  "He looks like he’s ready to explode.“

"That’s the plan,” you return with a wicked grin.

You chat with Nat for a few minutes before heading back to the couch to sit beside Bucky who is trying hard to avoid eye contact.

“Are you ok doll,” you goad, patting the pillow on his lap. “Or do you need to go take care of that?”

You see a slight smile cross his lips.

“I hope you’re not ready to give up Barnes, ‘cause I’m just getting started.”

“No way babe,” he murmurs, turning to lower his face within inches of  yours.  "After that little show, I’m making you my mission.  I can’t wait for you to make those pretty noises for me all day long with that dirty porn star mouth.“

He reaches up to run his thumb across your lower lip.  You struggle to suppress a moan.

While you’re deciding whether to slap him or suck his thumb into your mouth, F.R.I.D.A.Y. interrupts your thoughts.

"Thor Odison has achieved climax at approximately 1:12 am.”

After a few seconds of silence, the team erupts in laughter.

I Dare You...

Draco Malfoy x reader (any house besides Slytherin sorry i luv u) smut

Warnings: smut!!! lots of it!! smutty smut!!! hot Draco

Word Count: 3946 (how??????)


It was Friday night and the Slytherins were throwing a party. They never invited any other house except for themselves. But you were invited, and you were a Y/H. You heard that some other fellow housemates had been invited too. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had been invited as well. No one really knew who invited the “outsiders” but you didn’t really mind. All that mattered was that you were invited to your first party at Hogwarts!

Keep reading

Couldn’t Take It Anymore

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Frank Castle x Reader

As requested by anonymous:  Hi, can you do a Frank Castle x Reader where the reader is the first person he’s truly trusted ever since what happened to his family, she usually takes care of him and he even sleeps over at her house sometimes and there’s just a lot of feelings and sexual tension between them but Frank doesn’t want to make a move because he feels like he’s not good enough for her. Then one morning Frank finally can’t take it anymore, kisses the reader, and they have hot passionate sex in the kitchen. Thanks

A/N: decided not to do smut because I am currently incapable of writing smut right now. :/ sorry. But it does have some smutty undertones.

Originally posted by calif0rnia-lovers


You had a fairly good day. You didn’t have work so you decided to do a little treat yourself kind of day. You went shopping, with having a $50 budget in mind, and ended up buying some really cute goodies for yourself. You made yourself a simple yet delicious lunch to then do some light cleaning afterwards. To finish up your day, you proceeded to take a nice relaxing bath accompanied with a bath bomb and a ton of bubbles. 

About an hour later, you got out of the bath, your hair up in a bun and a towel wrapped around your body. When you exited the bathroom and entered your bedroom you jumped.

“Shit! What the fuck?!” Frank Castle was sitting on the edge of your bed.

Keep reading

Gary

by: mldrgrl
Rating: PG
Summary: For @thexxit and the rest of your demands for something fluffy


The redhead is here again tonight.  I used to think she lived here, but the others tell me she doesn’t live here.  I’m not so sure about that.  I mean, she’s here an awful lot.  I’m new, but I wasn’t born yesterday.  She doesn’t come with a suitcase or bag, and she’s here all hours of the day and night, so I think she must live here at least some of the time.

By my estimate, I’ve been here a week, and the redhead has been been here most nights.  She must leave after I’ve gone to sleep though, because she’s never been here for breakfast.  I still think she lives here, though.  Maybe she eats somewhere else.  Maybe there’s another way out I don’t know about.  It’s kind of hard to tell.

I like it here.  It’s a lot nicer than my other place.  At the old place I had about fifty roommates.  Here, I only have four.  It’s nice and calm.  The others tell me about things I’ve missed and how different it used to be.  They say it’s much nicer now.  They tell me stories about loud arguments and guns and glass breaking.  A lot of it sounds suspicious to me and I think they’re just trying to scare the new guy.    

So, the redhead and the tall guy are watching that golf movie again, though why he even bothered to turn on the TV is beyond me.  There’s not even any popcorn or beer this time, so it’s not like he’s trying to keep the pretense anymore.  It was so obvious by the way they kept looking at each other and brushing their hands together in the popcorn bowl that they were never interested in the movie to begin with.  

The redhead keeps laughing - she laughs a lot when she’s here and the others tell me that’s new too.  Again, I think they’re just messing with me because I can’t imagine her unhappy, but that’s what they tell me.  She laughs whenever he kisses her and he laughs back and they both look very happy all the time.

Just as I said, I don’t know why he bothered with the TV.  That gopher hasn’t even finished dancing yet and he’s already got her under him on the couch.  She’s laughing and her legs are wrapped around his hips.  She pulls his t-shirt off and he sits up and unbuttons her blouse, but that’s all I see before he picks her up and carries her out of the room.  In the shadow by his bedroom door I catch a glimpse of her ankles crossed at the small of his back and their laughter when he bumps into the wall, but then they disappear and I settle in to watch the golf movie for at least the fourth time.

I manage to stay awake for the whole thing and the screen goes blue and then snowy after it ends.  It’s quiet and the sound of bubbles starts to lull me to sleep, but then suddenly she’s back.  I watch her pick the t-shirt up from the floor and slip it on - I guess that’s why she doesn’t need a suitcase, she can wear his clothes if she has to.  She pulls the collar up to her nose and breathes deeply before she crosses the room and turns off the TV and then it’s dark, save for the blue glow from my place.

She comes over to my corner and the others are sleeping, but I swim up to get a better look at her.  She’s pretty and she seems nice.  She leans down and her blue eyes meet mine as she smiles.  I get a little embarrassed and swish my tail around, but I blow her a kiss to be friendly.  

“Hey there,” she whispers, touching her finger gently against the tank.  

I swim closer and flutter my fin against the glass.  Just then, he comes up behind her and she smiles again as he wraps his arms around her and slides his hands up her, or rather his, shirt.

“Thought you were asleep,” she says.  “Who’s this guy?”

“That’s Gary,” he says, his lips puckering against her shoulder like he’s blowing her kisses too, but there are no bubbles in the outside place.

“When’d you get him?”

“Like a week ago.  Last Saturday.”

“Last Saturday?”  She leans to the side a little to look up at him.  “How come I didn’t notice?”

His hands move at her chest under the shirt and he smirks at her when her eyes droop and she squirms.  “We’ve been a little busy,” he says.

“Mm.”

“Will you stay tonight?”

“Mulder, you know…”

“I don’t know anything except that you should stay.  I want you to stay, Scully.  Please.”

She turns around, presses herself against him and wraps her arms around his neck.  He crosses his arms across her back and closes his eyes as they sway back and forth for a long time.  Then, she steps away and holds her hand out to him.  She looks back at me and touches her finger to the glass again.

“Night, Gary,” she says, and she takes him back to the room beyond the door.

So, I’ve learned two things tonight.  One, I guess she really doesn’t live here.  And two, my name is Gary!

The End

anonymous asked:

Prompt: Dean punchs Sam for drunkenly kissing Cass and finding out only because there's a photo. He ignores Cass as well. In the end, he apologises and explains why he flipped out ;D

The hockey game had been Dean’s idea. Now he regrets even mentioning it.

“’Dollar Beer Night’, Sam,” Dean had said. “How can you say no to that? We all need a night out: you, me, Cas…” 

Sam had agreed to go, as had Castiel (even though the intricacies of organized sports tended to escape him most of the time). They piled into the Impala and headed to the nearby arena to watch the local ECHL team while getting hammered on cheap beer.

That had been the plan at least. 

Everything was going so well up until the end of the first period. Dean got up to drain the snake and get them all refills, leaving Cas and a visibly-tipsy Sam at their seats. He was standing in line at Concessions, watching the replays on the monitor above his head when the stadium began their “Kiss Cam” thing. 

It was cute: a young couple clearly on a first date, and elderly man and woman decked head to toe in team colors, A man and a woman who don’t seem to know each other very well but play along with a peck on the cheek, a shaggy haired guy and… Wait, is that Sam and Castiel?

“What the…?” Dean mutters, watching in horror as Sam cups a hand around Castiel’s jaw, pulling him in for a sloppy kiss. Castiel looks surprised at first then  relaxes. Dean’s veins seem to harden and fill with ice water. He barely aware of  the cups of beer tipping out of his hand or the shouts of the other attendees around him. 

Seconds pass like hours as Dean’s eyes remain glued to the screen. Dean has seen so much horror and awfulness in his life but it doesn’t compare with the image of his brother kissing his, uh, his…

“Fuck…” Dean hisses under his breath. Without thinking, he moves down the passage way, heading back to his seats.

“Hey Dean,” Sam says cheerily, his words a little slurred. “Castiel and I were on the-” He’s cut off by Dean’s fist connecting with his jaw. Sam lurches back for a moment and before lunging toward Dean, plowing his entire weight into his brother. Castiel calls out Dean’s name and attempts to pull them apart as Security scrambles up the steps toward them.

“What the fuck, Dean!” Sam shouts as they walk toward the Impala after being thrown out of the arena. “What the fuck is you fucking problem?” Dean stomps toward the car, any buzz from the beer now gone. 

“I said I was sorry,” Dean says, not turning around. He was, too; He had no idea why he blew up that way at his brother. It was clear that the kiss had been a joke; just a drunken reaction to the Kiss Cam. Sam was laughing like an idiot the whole time he was doing it. 

Castiel stays strangely quiet, trailing behind the two men. Dean can tell he’s pissed, at him in particular. That was all Dean seemed to do nowadays- piss off people who care about him and drive them farther away. Dean couldn’t even bring himself to look at Castiel. 

“Why the hell did you punch me?” Sam asks again.

“It doesn’t matter,” Dean says. “Let’s just head back to the-”

“No, no!” Sam grabs Dean by the shoulder and spins him around to face him. “You’re going to tell me right now what-”

“Is it because Sam kissed me?” Castiel asks. Dean startles and looks toward him, his blue eyes cool and a little accusing.

“I… I uh… I,” Dean stammers. A denial hangs on his tongue, but he just can’t seem to get it out.

“Is that fucking why?!” Sam blurts out incredulously. He makes a disgusted noise and scrubs a hand over his face. “Godammit! As if I don’t have to deal with the two of you and your soap opera shenanigans enough. Christ, Dean, you could’ve said ‘hey, Cas is my boyfriend. Hands off, alright?’”

“Cas, isn’t my-”

“If you’re companionable to that idea, Dean, I think I can be persuaded-”Cas interjects. 

“But instead,” Sam continues, “You decide to punch first and ask questions later. That is not how healthy relationships work!” 

“Sam, it’s not like -” Dean frowns, noticing the disappointed pull to Castiel’s shoulders. “I mean, if you want it to be like that, we can Cas, but-” Sam grabs the car keys from Dean’s hand.

“I’m going to the car,” he says firmly, turning to leave, “You two get this sorted out. I don’t care what you do, just do it.” Sam’s grumbles echo through the parking lot as he walked away from them. Dean can’t lift his gaze to meet Cas’, too mortified and angry with himself. He starts to follow after Sam when Cas pipes up.

“Dean?” he asks. “Dean… Is that why you punched Sam? Because you were jealous and assumed him and I were in some sort of relationship?” Dean doesn’t answer, just continues to stare at the ground. 

“I can assure you,” Castiel continues, “that my interest in Sam is purely platonic.” Dean nods, but he can’t seem to shake the image of the kiss from his brain. “Unlike my interest in you which is… deeper.” Castiel moves forward, and Dean barely has time to react before Cas’ lips are on his. The kiss isn’t as quick or messy as the ‘Kiss Cam’ kiss, but there’s a level of need and intensity that has Dean sinking into Castiel’s embrace touch, his mouth opening willingly as Castiel’s tongue runs over the seam of his lips.

Dean’s hands come up around Castiel’s middle, pulling his closer and earning a soft groan. Castiel’s hand close around Dean’s chin, his cool fingers a counterpart to the warmth of his mouth. 

Dean pulls back first, catching his breath and resting his forehead against Cas’ temple. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I’m an idiot.”

“A little,” Castiel offers. “But you’re my idiot.” And then a little more hesitantly. “You are, aren’t you? Mine?” Dean leans his head on Cas’ shoulder. 

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I am.”

Truth Or Dare

“Truth or Dare?” Spencer asked Y/N, taking another sip of his beer. The pair were sat on her couch unwinding after a ridiculously hard case at work. Spencer had stopped by to bring her a book she’d mentioned she wanted to read and she’d offered him a beer and to stay to share the mounds of take out food she’d just ordered. One drink had led to another and three hours later and the two were pleasantly tipsy and had wound up playing Truth or Dare. Y/N couldn’t even remember how the game had started, only that if you’d have asked her this morning how she would be spending her evening, she definitely wouldn’t have guessed that it would involve getting wasted with her colleague Spencer Reid and playing a game normally be reserved for teenage sleepovers.

“Dare,” she took another drink waiting for Spencer to think of something. This game was already turning out to be very interesting. So far she discovered that Spencer was NOT the sweet and innocent guy the team had him down to be, as well as getting him to reveal that he’d pretty much had crushes on every female in the BAU, including herself at one time or another.

“I dare you to send Derek a sext.”

Y/N spluttered, putting her hand to her mouth and wiping away the dribble of beer. Spencer knew what a ‘sext’ was? She needed to drink with him more often, this was turning out to be waaay better than the evening she’d had planned.

“If he texts back you can pretend it was meant for someone else.”

“Okay. Hand me my phone.”

Spencer reached to the coffee table and handed Y/N her phone.

“Do you have any more beer?” He was strangely enjoying himself this evening, having definitely not expected to be here so long or to be feeling so buzzed. Him and Y/N got on and everything in the office, but they rarely socialised together, just the two of them. But it was turning out to be quite fun and she’d had him in fits of laughter at multiple points throughout the evening. She nodded and motioned towards her fridge, instructing him to bring her one too as she tapped away on her phone. When he came back and set her drink down she had a wicked grin on her face.

“I’ve sent it. Wanna hear?”

“Of course.”

“Okay.” Y/N coughed and then put on a flirty voice. “Hey big boy, fancy stopping round later? I’m all alone and feeling incredibly horny today. My vibrator just isn’t going to cut it. I need your big, throbbing cock inside of me. What do you say?”

“So Morgan lives, twenty minutes from here? Give it twenty one minutes and I reckon you’ll have a visitor.”

“Hahahah, can you imagine? Derek turns up and sees you here instead?”

“Oh god, oh god. The look on his face….. Oh I’d pay to see that.”

“Maybe you won’t have to. He’s messaged back. Let’s have a look shall we?”

Y/N opened the message, her eyes widening as she covered her mouth with her hands. She tossed the phone to Spencer so he could read it.

“Baby girl, you being serious? I can be there in twenty.”

“Told ya,” Spencer looked pleased with himself. “I’m not the only one who had a crush on you when you first started.”

“So if you received this text message from me what would you reply with?”

He wasn’t expecting that question and Spencer’s mouth goldfished for a few moments, his cheek tingeing pink.

“You have to answer.”

“No I don’t. We’re not playing right now.”

“Fine. Truth or Dare Spencer?” Y/N quickly texted Morgan back with a ‘sorry, wrong person’ text as she waited for Spencer to complete his internal struggle. He hated dares, and he knew what the truth question would be.

“Fine. Truth. And I’ll answer the question you just asked. It would probably be the same response as Derek’s although I’d make sure the message was meant for me first. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.”

Reid took another gulp on his drink. “Do you really have a vibrator?”

Y/N smirked. Spencer was certainly coming out with some interesting questions tonight. “Yes. Wanna see it? I washed it earlier.”

His eyes bugged and Y/N giggled, hopping off the couch and running into her bedroom. Rummaging in her drawer she found fresh batteries and grabbed the toy, inserting them into the slot as she walked back into the room. She tossed it at him, hearing him squeal and then fumble with the toy, looking uncomfortable as he caught it. His uncomfortableness quickly turned into curiosity. She knew he’d seen sex toys before, searching people’s homes was part of their jobs. But it didn’t appear that he’d ever really handled one. He switched it on, almost dropping it as the rabbit ears began to vibrate and the tiny balls at the bottom of the silicone shaft began to rotate.

“Jesus fucking christ…… It’s really quite loud.”

Y/N shuffled closer to him on the couch, taking it from his hands and fiddling with settings so that only the ears were vibrating. “I don’t bother with that setting. It’s these little babies that do the majority of the magic. And when it’s under the covers and I’m moaning, you don’t really notice the noise.”

“So it’s good then?”

Y/N switched the toy off and placed it on the coffee table. “Yes Spencer. It’s very good. Anyway, your turn. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.”

She thought long and hard. “Tell me something about you that would surprise me. More than you already have.”

It was his turn to think long and hard, his eyes glancing over to the coffee table and then wondering how honest he should be here. Meh, why not throw caution to the wind, he thought.

“I can tell you a thought I had a minute ago that would probably surprise you.”

Y/N made a ‘go on’ gesture with her hand.

“Okay. When you were talking about toy making you moan, my immediate thought was that I wish I could hear you make those sorts of noises.”

Oh!

Well, that WAS unexpected. And yet…. Also, not so much.

“Spencer, truth or dare.”

“But I just went!”

“And? Truth or Dare. Hint….pick dare.”

She downed her drink and waited, watching confusion and then curiosity cross his face. He gave in.

“Dare.”

Here goes nothing.

“I dare you to kiss me.”

anonymous asked:

um could you do jake dillinger's party except jeremy realizes he's being an idiot and he goes to find michael in the bathroom and then he makes him feel better and just soft boyf riends

y aal l l ar et o oo good  to o me

AO3 Link

Jeremy stormed out of Jake’s bathroom, slamming the door behind him and leaving Michael alone.

Why did I do that?

“Because you wanted to.” The Squip replied.

No I- I didn’t. Jeremy thought back, walking into the living room. I didn’t want to, Michael is my- My best friend.

We both know what Michael is to you, and we both know that you need to leave that part of yourself behind.” The Squip insisted. 

For a moment, Jeremy nodded to himself, before almost slapping himself for thinking it. No, I- Whatever.  I would never want to hurt him.

Well you just did.”

I didn’t want to though.

“Did you not?”

No. Jeremy insisted, glancing around the room, Jake smiled at him from across the room, motioning for him to come over. Jeremy did.

“Do you want any beer? You haven’t had any all night.”

No.” The Squip urged.

“I’d love some.” Jeremy smiled, accepting the red solo cup that Jake gave to him in response. He downed it as quickly as he could and refilled it, downing that too. Maybe alcohol would make his guilt go away.

It didn’t make the guilt go away, but the drunker he got, the less he could hear the Squip yapping in his ear, and by the time he was buzzed, the voice was gone.

“Oh my god.” Jeremy said aloud, swaying to the music. “It’s gone.” He grinned, “It’s gone. I have to tell Michael!”

Michael.

Jeremy all but bolted to the bathroom, knocking on the door. There was no reply. “Michael? Are you still in there? It’s…Its me.”

Jeremy heard a faint sob.

“Michael are you…Okay?”

“Fuck you, Jeremy.” Michael’s voice cracked.

Shit.

“Fuck…Michael…I’m sorry. I- He’s gone…For now.”

There was a pause and Jeremy heard the click of the lock. He opened the door. Michael was in the bathtub, knees curled to his chest, tearstains on the sleeves of his hoodie. 

“Shit, Michael, I-”

“Just… Close the door.” 

Jeremy did, locking it behind him. He climbed into the bathtub, sitting in the same position as Michael. 

“I’m…Fuck, I’m…So sorry.” Jeremy began.

“Don’t…Don’t worry about it.” Michael wiped his nose on his sleeve and dried his eyes. “I’m…At least you came back.”

“Of course I-”

“So the Squip is…gone?”

Jeremy nodded and then shook his head, “I’m…A little drunk. I think it shut him off for a bit.”

Michael nodded. “Okay well…Uh…I kinda wanna…Tell you something?”

Jeremy rubbed his eyes and nodded, “go ahead.”

“I…Like you.” Michael paused. “A lot.”

Jeremy sat in silence for a moment, figuring out what to say. “You….Like…Me?”

Michael sighed, burying his head in his hands. “I know it’’s…”

Fuck, no, Michael I-” Jeremy tentatively reached over to touch Michael’s knee. “I- like you too.”

Michael lifted his head up. “Wait- you…”

“Yeah.” Jeremy smiled as their eyes met. “I.”

Michael chuckled, “Well that’s good.” He fiddled with his sleeve.

Jeremy moved closer, turning so that his side was leaning against Michael’s legs.

“We gotta figure out a way to get rid of this thing.” Jeremy said, “But until then…Can I kiss you?”

Michael smiled, “Not if I kiss you first.”

“That-” Jeremy began, but Michael had already closed the space between them, pulling him into a long kiss.

Jeremy grinned, who would have thought that getting drunk would be the best think to ever happen to him?

Quarterback Comeback - Chris Evans

Request: Okay so you wrote the Falcon fan story, think you can write one where the reader is a Patriots fan? Because if I had been at that game I would have been flipping out right along side him! & 

Request: Hey, do you think you can write a Chris Evans x Reader at the Superbowl, she’s also a Pats fan, and sooo much into the game. And they both yell the same thing at the same time and Chris notices her and like immediate crush, please?

A/N: Sorry if this is a bit cramped or any sort of football terminology is off, I tried to be accurate as I could. I even watched highlights of the game and went on the NFL website to look up the players, lmao. I hope this is good for both requests! Lots of love - R .x 

people: Chris!SuperBowl - Reader ft. Scott Evans & Jeremy Renner

warnings: nope.


“Yeah! Fuck yeah! Is this was euphoria feels like? Cause I’m high as a fuckin’ kite, that was sick, man!” You gave a double high five to Renner before turning to take a sip of your beer, which was missing. 

What the fuck, who takes a beer at the Super Bowl? Are we savages?

“Chris, I think someone stole my beer, Imma go get another-” Just as you were searching through your purse you glanced up at your boyfriend to see him frozen, with a beer situated right on his lips.

Popping up, you snatched your beer out of the thieves hands. Putting it on your other side knowing Renner would spit it out any of the beer if he decided to steal it. It was Bud Light and Renner was too fancy for that shit, so he says.

“Hey! Asshole! Ain’t you got millions? Get your paws off my drink!” I poked at Chris’s Patriot covered chest and saw those blue eyes begin their trick of puppy dog eyes, the ones I never could resist from him, ever.

“I thought we share now? Besides, it’s like God is upon us now! We have a fucking lead we’re so close, babe. We’re gonna win. I know it. Forget the beer we are going to be champions again-” We swing our heads as Scott yells out for us to look out onto the field- oh fuck.

“BRADY! FUCK YEAH! OH, MY GOD! YES, YES YES!”

“BRADY! FUCK YEAH! OH, MY GOD! YES, YES YESSSSSSSS!”

You saw your second boyfriend (to be fair, Chris didn’t really care and actually would agree anytime you talked about how Tom’s ass looked damn fine in his uniform. 

“Are you two fuckin’ like psychic? What the hell?” You both turned to Renner and rose a brow to him,

“What do ya mean?” Chris took a swig of his own beer can, and let his eyes drift back and forth to the field as Brady got Pat’s for his slide into the 40-yard line.

“You two have been yelling the same thing at the exact same time for like twenty minutes, I’d think you’ll we’re from the shining if you guys weren’t fuc-” 

Punching his shoulder you just smirked at Renner and shook your head, “It’s called telekinesis, Jer. We get it whenever we watch sports. It’s like all of a sudden we share a brain-” You took a slow glare to Chris jokingly, “And apparently beer’s now too…”

Chris only laughed and grasped your waist, pulling you snug into his side as the team set up again. “You think they’ll come back from 3 to 28?” 

Scott asked nonchalantly, only to have you and Chris simultaneously tell him, “Yeah we fuckin’ arah! We turning this steamboat around.”

You giggled at this weird formation that only now you realized looked probably quite disturbing outside of your mind and Chris’s as well. “We’re weird, aren’t we?”

“Yup. Psychos whose team is about to lock this shit down.” You gave Chris a peck to his arm before turning back to the game, only to see a goddamn miracle happen as White took a dive, landing a touchdown but just inches.

“Yeah! Oh, my! God!” You and Chris looked at each other with eyes filled to the brim with joy. Except, normally the passion that was in between you was not because a sweaty guy just got sacked by a bunch of other sweaty guys and managed to still land a touchdown.

“Still worried we ain’t gonna win, Scottie?” You leaned over and looked at Scott as he gave you a fuck off smirk and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Oh good, god. I’m gonna have to have to Chris’s in my life now? Is this what it’s gonna be like, every time the Patriot’s get to the Super Bowl? Because if so, I’m gonna start charging you both for my additional weekly therapy sessions.” 

Chris just laughed loudly, clapping his heads as he threw his head back, obviously getting a bit Drunk Happy. You just chuckled to yourself and downed the rest of my beer, setting it aside and focusing back on the game.

                                                          …

You knew they were going to make a comeback, it was what New Englander’s did. We turned around in the last moments and came together to fucking smash the glass ceiling every time. We never stop and we don’t even let our minds wander in the final hours of the game. To see the ball make it across the white line, and into the zone, landing us Patriots, another. Fucking. Win.

Confetti went off as you and Chris jumped up and down, high from the electricity in the air of fellow Bostonians and Englander’s cheering the team for their miraculous victory. “Oh my god! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!” You shouted along with Chris as we roared with the fans. 

Taking in the victory of another win. Feeling Chris tug slightly on your arm made you turn towards him only to be picked up by the inward curve of your waist, and have a pair of beer tasting lips kiss you fiercely. Not bothering in holding back anything between you both as he kissed you with as much force as he could without pain. You draped your arms around his neck, letting your legs snake around his waist. Suddenly forgetting you were in public and people we most likely filming this. You frankly, give a damn, because your Quarterback was kissing from the victory. 

You almost pulled away from Chris with the love he poured into the kiss, feeling as if it was too much for your body to handle with all the excitement and beer running through you, right now. He pulled his head away and gave a dreaming, toothy grin that made you giggle softly into his neck while leaned in. You embraced the teddy bear of a man while swaying together back and forth in almost a hypnotic motion. Letting the cheers take you both different places. It was weird looking at everyone jumping and screeching, yet you’d just been that person who was tugging at their hair, grabbing anyone in sighting to tug them towards the scene below you, or even just shouting fuck over and over.

You couldn’t help but chuckle at the chaos that surrounded you both, and the euphoria that laid in between are bodies, almost like we found a transportation device and we’re no longer at the stadium. We’re just together, loving one in another in a celebration of joy and love. After the last year, this win felt more than a victory for the Patriots, it felt like a win for you and Chris, personally. 

After the fights that you both went through together, united as one for the injustice that America was receiving these days, and much more to come, it sucked to believe tomorrow would resume normally. You kept in mind that in this moment, confetti popped and fell all around us, some catching even in your tangled locks.

“I mean, I hate to say this, Scott, but look how cute the Shining twins are? It’s like a football romantic dramedy!” Chris’s friend John teased you both as he pointed his camera towards us both, making Scott laugh and swat at John’s camera 

“Hey! It’s only during football season we become one. The rest of the time we are in a war together on who is better than the other at what. Let’s be honest, babe. I’m better, always.”

You slapped Chris on the chest and giggled, taking his unfinished Bud light from behind him, and slowly bringing it to your lips, “You keep telling yourself that, Buddy Boy. Just remember that we have film age of me kicking your ass all the way to Colorado in table tennis.”

“Shots already fired and we aren’t even out of the damn stadium yet!” Scott groaned, smacking his hand to his forehead. Jeremy let out a gruff laugh and patted my back as you situate yourself back on the ground again, fixing your top that had risen slightly.

“Congrats Scott on your newest sibling!” Jeremy teased to across at Scott who was smiling and shaking his head. “I’m in for a new hearing aid when they have a baby and becomes the ultimate super pat’s fan. Can you imagine?”

“Yes, I can, dork! And she’s also part of the team and is alongside all the best players and has gotten twenty super bowl rings so yeah!” You smiled at Chris delicately, as if he was suddenly made of glass. His voice never wavered when he replied to Scott, meaning he’d thought about our daughter in the NFL before. Not just making it up right now.

“Hmm, Baby Evans, Quarterback for the Patriots and winner of… a noble peace prize! I like that, babe. Let’s go start planning her future college fund, right now! Well, after we celebrate, then we can start her college fund and map out where she’ll play in college…”

Chris smiled and jumped for joy like a jumping bean suddenly made its way into his heart. Chris couldn’t help but dream about the perfection of you and him, crossed together to make the most amazing human being.

Chris knew that whatever gender, whatever personality, they’d have a Quarterback baby. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world to think about, though. He couldn’t help but smile more and more at the thought of a baby Evans wandering around during a future Super bowl, with a tiny Brady jersey on during the game.

Something to look forward too, in the next few years. 

At least that was Chris’s hope.


I can’t keep my Chris!Dad feels down, guys!!! I mean like look below, COME ONNNNN! They always come out in my writing, lol. I hope you enjoyed it! 

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Like We Used To {Part 1}

Mark x Reader
Genre: AU/Fluff/angst/implied smut (is that a thing?)
Next Chapter

There were other ways you wanted to spend your Saturday morning, being at the mall wasn’t one of them. You walked through the hustle and bustle of the mall trying to find a last minute outfit for the engagement party of your two best friends. You caught the scent of coffee, the strong aroma reminding you that you hadn’t had your daily fix yet. While waiting for your order your phone rang,

 “Hello?” you answered, giving a slight nod in acknowledgment to the barista as you grabbed your coffee.

 “Y/N! What are you up to?”

 “I’m…” you hesitated knowing that you would get lectured and face your friend’s disapproval, “At the mall,” you finished.

 “Oh good!” she expressed delightedly over the phone, “I don’t know what you’re wearing tonight but you need to make sure you dress drop dead gorgeous.”

This was a typical request of your best friend and you knew she only made this request for a specific reason. Still to give her the benefit of the doubt you inquired anyways, “Why?”

 “Well first of all, you’re my maid of honour so you have to look good next to me,” she teased, “Second of all, I have someone I want you to meet.”

 You called it, rubbing your temples in frustration, “Monica, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t need to be set up with another guy. It’ll happen when it happens.” you sighed into the phone.

 “Y/N, I only mean the best for you. I just want you to be as happy as I am.” she tried persuading.

 “I’m glad you’re happy Monica, but maybe we both have different ideas of what happiness is,” you said as you walked into the store.

 There was a long pause on the other line and you were hopeful that she understood and would finally lay off, “Or maybe you just need to get laid.” She cackled, knowing she would ease the tension between you two.

 You stopped in your tracks, surprised at her sudden statement but a grin formed on your face, “Excuse me, I get plenty,” you defended.

 “Oh yeah? When was the last time?” you could picture her sitting there and smiling.

You couldn’t recall the last time, you couldn’t even remember the last time you went out on a date. “Fine, I’ll look nice.” reluctantly, you gave in.

“Perfect! We’ll see you tonight, oh and Y/N you can’t look as good as me though. Remember, I’m the bride” your friend teased, celebrating the small victory she had just won. 

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When the Netflix side of Marvel meets AOS
  • Elektra Natchios: ...and that’s how I was temporarily brainwashed by this ancient person who wanted to use me for their own gain.
  • Daisy Johnson: Yoooo, that’s so relatable.
  • Matt Murdock: Ladies, not trying to interrupt your riveting conversation but...you know the LITERAL Devil is right there!
  • Robbie Reyes: *looks up from fixing his car* Says the guy whose name is ‘DareDEVIL’. Hypocrite.
  • Jessica Jones (already drunk): All of you are annoying the hell out of me. Hey, William Wallace and Hermione Granger, you have any more beer around here?
  • Jemma Simmons: Hey! Just because I’m British doesn’t mean you can just call me Hermione-
  • Leo Fitz: -fridge is right behind you. I think you’ve already had too much to drink.
  • Jessica: *wobbly* I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve only had...shit, I lost count.
  • Luke Cage: *facepalms* Sweet Christmas. Sorry for Jessica drinking all your beer, we can spot you SHIELD guys if you want.
  • Phil Coulson: That’s perfectly fine. Besides, all of you are guests. You’re more than welcome to drink whatever we have.
  • Alphonso Mackenzie: Coulson, you can’t adopt the Defenders. Just stop.
  • Luke: Wait, what?
  • Coulson: I wasn’t trying to!
  • Melinda May: Didn’t you once tell me that Daisy was the daughter you’ve never had-
  • Coulson: Shhhhhhhhhhhh