I was merely downloading the videos for my upcoming compliation when I saw this gem written by Thuy An Nguyen:
“BALTIC BOYS Protagonists: Jüri Pootsmann, the son of two villains who killed thousands and extorted a sneaker company, from which they made millions. Himself however, doesn’t like this and begins a lawsuit against his own parents age 14. As a kid, he always had pancakes and a glass of milk for breakfast. Can fly because of some reason.
Justs Sirmais, a Latvian student who’s always compared with Pewdiepie and loves melted ice cream for some reason. As the leader of the Baltic Boys, he has always been threatened by enemies from mostly Belarus.
And Donatas “Donny Montell” Montvydas, a married freerunner who says he was threatened and chased by a werewolf multiple times when he was freerunning at night. Plans to join the Lithuanian Air Forces when his son is 12. Usually fuels himself up on water, which some state isn’t true: he would fuel himself up on blood instead.
Involved:Serhat Hacıpaşalıoğlu, a Turkish millionaire who has had affairs with an unknown woman, known for his monocular and suspicious relationships.
Alexander “IVAN” Ivanovich, a werewolf who mostly wanders around without clothes except for a towel around his private parts. Plans to terrorize Justs so he can secretly take over his place. Has had relationships with the criminal Pootsmann family and the Illuminati.
Gábor Alfréd “Freddie” Fehérvári, one of Serhat’s relatives and probably Serhat´s secret gay love. Owns the data of a million cellphones.
Frans Jeppson-Wall, a school kid from Nigerian/British descendent, known for beating down a gay student and for not being sorry of doing so.
Yuri “UZARI” Navrotsky, an elf who is seen running together with IVAN many times. Possibly a member of the Illuminati.
Stig Rästa, former classmate of Jüri, loves cars and smashing people in their face and dorks dogs. Aminata Savadogo, a close friend of Justs. Always on Justs’ side. Enjoys boxing and electropop.
Monika Linkyté, ex-girlfriend of Donny Montell, quite a crazy person.
Vaidas Baumila, boyfriend and eventually husband of Monika. (they have been seen kissing each other)
Måns Zelmerlöw(and his stick figure), the Hero who inspired the Baltic boys to come together. Extremely handsome.
And Main antagonistChrister Björkman, the man behind the BJÖRKmonster, a hazardous machine planning to destroy the Baltic Boys and terrorize the true meaning of Eurovision.
Possibly involved:Agnete Kristin Johnsen (Sami background, suspicious relationships, owns an iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicebreakeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer)
Douwe Bob Posthuma (His look, oh…, ability to play guitar with a beer bottle)
Sergey Lazarev (Relationships with Jüri Pootsmann’s family and IVAN)
Greta Salóme (her shadow bending, heavily opposes Sergey)
Minus One (their relationship with werewolves)
Ira Losco (ability to walk on water) and possibly Molly Petterson Hammar (always hungry)
Michał Szpak (his relationship with Conchita Wurst and black and white)
Hovav “Hovi Star” Sekulets (possibly the gay student beaten down by Frans, ability to mentally take drone copters over control )
Kaliopi Bukle (her relationships towards donuts)
Manuela “ManuElla” Brečko (and possibly her pole dancer Jannik) (relationship with blue and red but not with purple, thus opposing Michał)
Susana ”Jamala” Jamaladynova (heavily opposing Lazarev and IVAN, hallucinating calling)
Nina Kraljić (alien human conspiracies)
Amir Haddad (taekwondo, maybe?)
Nika Kocharov and the Young Georgian Lolitaz (their secret lab)
Jamie-Lee Kriewitz (her relationship towards ghosts and Japanese Lolita fashion) Alexander Kuzmenko, AKA Azerbaijan’s glass box dancer (suspicious relationships, seen terrorizing Donny Montell during freerunning)
Bárbara Reyzábal “Barei” González-Aller (seen leading a group of dancers until their feet couldn’t stand it=ABUSE)
Ovidiu Anton (warrior status, not willing to quit despite disclosure by multiple parties, quite a ROM bar lover, “Fight for the Truth!”)
Ace Wilder (her rebel status, not willing to quit either)
Kirill Yermakov (opposing IVAN, ability to control weather)
Eduard Romanyuta (wants to attack Jamala either IVAN)
David Lindgren (bboy, married with two kids, ability to control security LASERs, seen freerunning with Donny Montell)
Robin Bengtsson (just look at his eyes and you will understand)
Oscar Zia (possibly the gay student beaten down by Frans, ability to control weather)
Wiktoria Johansson (“Save Me!”, superheroine suit)
Danny Saucedo (opposing Donny and one of Ovidiu’s relatives)
Małgorzata “Margaret” Jamroży (opposing Michał)
Thomas “Conchita Wurst” Neuwirth (because (s)he just(s) has to be included)
Sorry, but I think the Baltic Boys fandom has taken over my life as well.
Times that the EBU could have announced Romania’s non-participation: Prior to announcing Romania’s 2016 participation back in 2015 Prior to selecting artists for Selectia Nationala Prior to hosting Selectia Nationala Prior to all the at-home rehearsals Prior to the March 14 HOD meeting deadline Prior to all the promo touring Prior to putting the song on the official album and publishing the album on Spotify/Itunes/usw.
Times they should not have announced Romania’s non-participation: 18 days before the semifinals, when all of the preparations are all completed.
I feel really bad for Ovidiu. He finally won the national final after five attempts, and when he does win, the EBU says he can’t participate for reasons completely out of his (or his team’s) control.
I feel like this Eurovision is some sort of action or dystopian movie with Christer Björkman as the ultimate villain against The Baltic Boys. Ovidiu Anton has already been the first victim before the movie even started.Additionally there is Christer’s apprentice Frans who suddenly becomes best friendsw with his insturctor’s archenemies Joe and Jake. Freddie, Serhat and Ivan also star.