ANTM Recap, Cycle 16 Ep. 3: "I'll have a Dirty Smeagol, on the rocks."

I know I’m starting with episode 3, but come on: I’m doing this for fun, not profit.  I started ep. 1 and 2 and maybe I’ll post them in some down time.  Makeover day is like wiping the slate clean for everyone, so we’re all on the same level here.  This isn’t so much a shot-for-shot recap as it is “Things I think are GIF-able." 

Makeover show!  I’m sure Tyra will be there every step of the way to dictate her vision and make sure no one’s hair goes awry.  No?  She’ll be out of pocket the whole day?  Sounds disastrous!  How are we feeling, girls?

As if white girls complaining about weaves wasn’t enough of a prize, this week we’re treated to another needless deception.  Miss J remarks to sweeter-than-banana-puddin’ Jaclyn, "Now you realize once you leave this chair, there’s a razor back there.  Did you know that?  How do you feel about that? [beat] SIKE!”  Constant manipulation and needless lies?  I feel like I’m home for the holidays!

Sarah really does have the potential to bring something interesting to the show, the “girl with the thing,” if you will.  She says, “My gender identity is muddled, it’s a lot of masculine, a lot of feminine… [Voiceover: I have a hairy neck!]”  I fear though, the snipping of her rat tail signaled an end to that story line on the show.  Whatcha say, Sarah?  I have a feeling the producers just thought, “Eh, exploring that seems like work.  Shut her up!  Let’s just have Miss J talk in a silly voice!”

How about the makeovers?  I think Brittani had the best transformation, from “human being not missing any appendages” to “girl whose name I can remember.”  However, I thought the styling for her makeover shoot was a little unfair:

The creatives behind Alexandria’s shoot however got it right on the nose!

Personally, I am rapt with anticipation as we witness Alexandria’s transformation from “token reality show blowhole” to “flesh-and-bone Disney villain.”  

I mean listen to this laugh.

Also look at how she reaches for her power amulet during judging.  Clearly there is some Ursula/Ariel kind of stuff going on here, and if the world was right she’s have the cackle of an old crone 24/7.

Keeeep Posiiing!”

Granted, Molly’s Brokedown-Palace of a weave was a raw deal, but man did it pay back exponentially in reaction shots!  We saw her deal with grief in my family’s patented 3-step process!

1. Defeatist acceptance

2. Feigning joy 

3. Relapse!

Now, lather (up a rage), rinse, and repeat!

[Book cover via Jonnodotcom]

Sarah took her makeover even harder than Molly.  For someone who was excited to talk about her blended gender identity, when the scissors were laid down, Sarah went a bit hard on herself.  Play this on repeat and imagine this as a “Before” shot in a Mane ‘n Tail infomercial.  

“Someday my Remy will come.”

Let’s level: Top Model always highlights a couple of girls an episode that will end up under scrutiny, so it was clear Dominique and Sarah would be lip-synching for their lives at the night’s end.  But clearly Maya Rudolph Dominique’s mind was somewhere else the entire episode.  This is how she ran into the room when the girls screamed “TYRAMAIL!”

Dominique, where’s that money from?  Did you lose another tooth?  

Frankly, Dominique just couldn’t play “these people you are introducing are my personal heroes and I’ve wanted to meet them forever” as well as the other girls could.  Which is to say, Dominique couldn’t lie as well, which is to say, she’s not cut out for this topsy-turvy-Tyra world.  Now, when the guest judges are announced we can’t all go full-“Friday” like Dalya:

But you have to at least do a safe, fly-catching mouth (hide the truth in your eyes with XXI shades):

This level of honest acknowledgement will not do under any circumstances, Dominique.

This, of course, marks the second positive Galliano mention in this cycle.  In the first couple episodes I think Tyra said something to the effect of, “John Galliano is my close personal friend and I would stand by him no matter what, and stake my career on his word.”  Something like that, who can remember?  Ask a recapper! 

In the mode classique of Top Model, Dominique is critiqued and sent home for doing something that was used as advice for another model.  Whereas one girl is accused of “over thinking,” Dominique is sent home for not having any thoughts in her head?  Perfect. 


I will, however remember Dominique for giving us one of the heaviest servings of shade this side of Mother Willow:

The Morton® girl called.  She needs her salt back, Dominique.

As they say: into every parade of lies, and little truth must fall.  Here is your realness.  The frantic motion of the preening Alexandria paired with the implacable rage of the unblinking sphinx, in one shot.

Stay salty, y'all.