"The Coal to Diamond initiative" phase one: the anti-diet
As I mentioned in my last blog I’ve been making “resolves”. So far my resolve of “leaving things unsaid” has saved my butt more than a few times (although my tongue gets a little raw from biting it so often). Starting a blog (even though it makes me feel like Doogie Howser or like a narcissistic female in the 90’s). Letting my Ipod play on random (I heard Smash Mouth’s song All Star today, can you tell me the last time you heard that song)?!?
Today started the launch of The Coal to Diamond initiative.
Back story: I used to weigh 260 pounds. I do not weigh 260 pounds anymore. I do have a “goal” but I’m contemplating throwing my scale at the next lifted truck I see. I have hit my “goal” in the past but it was due to depression and “control eating” (you know when your life spins out of control so the only thing you have power over is what you consume)? Yeah, it was an unhealthy way to hit the mark. So I’ve bounced around within the 30 pounds of my “goal” not quite settling, not quite regressing and decided with a very *happy sigh* epiphany “What would make me happy is not counting calories. What would make me happy is to dance and do things I enjoy for exercise. I want to eat GOOD food because I know it’s good for me and I feel PUMPED when I have that many veggies in my system. I also want to be a good example to my children.” I often joked that “I’m a lump of coal now but I’m going to be a diamond someday”. Someday starts today. and I am stupidly excited about it.
Sooooooooooooo the rules of my Anti-diet:
Do not count calories. Food should not be on the forefront of our minds like some simpering girl child lusting after an older man. Food does not control our lives. It is not our Sun, we do not revolve around it. Instead of counting calories I will eat veggies, fruits and nuts (*chuckle chuckle*) I’ll cross the bridge of proteins (I’ve been a vegetarian for over a decade) and whole grains another time. There needs to be a balance because lets face it, OUR whole grains are NOT our grandmother’s whole grains. no way Jose’. So I haven’t thought that far ahead and I’m ok with it. These are not necessarily definitive rules. This is my anti-diet :) For example for breakfast this morning I had Roasted Cauliflower with Fresh Herbs and Parmesan and for lunch I’m resisting the temptation of a massive take out sandwich and I’m getting the fruit deal they’ve got going on. I know that fruit will make me feel awesome where a sandwich will not.
I am not going to give up coffee and diet coke. I will however be more vigilant about making sure I’m drinking just as much water as the “bad” stuff. I refuse to give them up. Ive given up smoking and did I mention I’ve given up sex? I’m not letting my soy lattes go.
The other day I was with two wonderful, brilliant friends. We were sitting on a dock in Annapolis, drinking beers, and catching up. These girls are beautiful, wildly intelligent, ambitious and funny. We started talking about salads. Let me start by saying, I love salads. I fucking love salads–they are delicious. I’m always all about a salad.
But the conversation turned to what to put on a salad to keep it low calorie. We discussed different dressings, toppings, portions, and then I just stopped. I stopped because I got this feeling in my gut, like “Why the fuck are we talking about salads?”
We are in a stunning picturesque, fuckin Nicholas Sparks bay dock and we are swapping tips on how to eat salads because we don’t want to get chunky or whatever.
We could have been talking about the international travels we’ve all been on, or the grad programs we’ve gotten into, or the weird sex everyone has been having, or how it was awesome that we drove a fucking boat around all day but we were fucking talking about motherfucking croutons. And before I had the chance to get mad at all of us, I realized it was really this shitty society that doesn’t want girls talking about ideas or being curious or angry or confused. It wants us to focus on belly shirts and vinaigrettes and things that aren’t going to carry over into the next day. Things that aren’t gonna split our hairs or god forbid give us wrinkles or even worse make us want to change things.
So if I see another fucking yogurt commercial with a bunch of chicks, or some ad where girls are drinking fucking SkinynGirl margarita I’m going to demand a beer and sit someone down and tell them how I’m angry and in motion to do something about it.
so something has been grinding my gears for a while now.
Fat girls that say theyre proud of their bodies and yet want to loose weight. I do not want to hear a hit list of ‘healthy’ foods you need to eat and do not need to know what excersize machine you went on at the gym and for how long.
I want to hear about fats that are keeping active without the added pressure of 'healthy’ activities. Im reading a book right now called 'Screw Inner Beauty’ by bloggers Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby. Its actually the best book I’ve ever read. I agree with every line and it’s the most uplifting thing you could read without needing to chant some sort of mantra.
One of the chapters in the book mentions excersize. People do physical activities to psyche themselves into thinking its helping their bodies, which it is, but most of the time youre destroying your mind because you dont enjoy what youre doing, thus not really doing much for your body. They say to find something you enjoy doing and do it whenever you feel like it. Like doing yoga? So be it. Some days you cant be bothered? Dont beat yourself up. There will be other days. Its not about being 'good’ or 'bad’ when it comes to physical activities as well as eating habbits. At work i hear this most; 'i cant have the muffin, im being good today’. This actually makes me want to punch people. Why deprive yourself of something you will enjoy? That muffin alone will not make you suddenly become Eureka Tower. You feel like having a muffin? Have the fucking muffin!
This brings me to my personal story. I’ve always been fat. Ive always eaten 'badly’ and apprently that resulted in my being fat. It doesnt make sense. You know why? Because I loved sports. Any chance I got I would play games and run and play soccer and volleyball and I could outrun all the skinny people (again, they assumed that because their body was smaller than mine, they were more capable of intense physical exsertion. They were wrong, just like everyone else.). Since beginning working at my new job (i say new, but I’ve been there a year now), my fitness has deminished. I used to be able to run comfortably and now because I dont do any occupational physical activity and just have to sit at my desk all day, I’ve become a tired, saggy lump. I feel like a potato. I cant even walk up one flight of stairs & I used to be able to run up at least 3 comfortably (which i know isnt much, but hey, gtfo). I also miss running. I actually miss being able to put my runners on and just run. I have decided, because of missing running so much, I’m going to join the gym. I told my mum 'I just want to run because i enjoy it, and i want to try out some weights and whatever other cool shit they have there’. Right after that she made a comment about how much weight I would loose doing this. I got angry and walked away because she didnt understand that i just wanted to do this because its something i enjoy. Think of it as painting, or sewing or something. It doesnt have anything to do with your body, its all about how its making you feel while doing it.
I dont really have a conclusive ending to this, but i hope someone reading this makes sense of it and takes it on bord in their own path to body positivity.
Most of you know that I’ve struggled to fit in at my current location. Now reason number 39859420 as to why I am different is that the majority of ladies in my church congregation are on freaking cleanses right now. Seriously? I couldn’t be more anti- cleanse due to the fact that it messes with female hormones and is not a truly healthy endeavour…but don’t even get me started on that.
So, as I eat deliciously prepared meals, snacks, and desserts rather than ingesting only juice for a week I feel even more out of place and socially awkward here. Good thing I’ve never had a problem marching to the beat of my own drum.