ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS I TALKED TO MY OLD ROOMMATES TODAY AND I’VE HAD 6 SHOTS IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES LET’S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!
So we decided that the next story I should tell should be one where I’m the asshole so we decided the story I’m going to tell is really the first story from this apartment and guys I am estatic because this is one of my favorites
Okay so since like a yeaqr before we moved in together Kyle was dating this girl Grace. Almost 4 years later they’re still dating it’s fucking cute as FUCK. Grace is fucking awesome we all love her also she is fucking fine like this girl probably could model. She also had a best friend from high school who I’m going to call Gary because that sounds like a sufficiently douchey name for this asshat Gary was a fuck like a whispy little piece of shit noone of us like Gary except Grace because apartently when Grace was in high school Grace was not fine and Gary was one of her only friends.
The problem with this was that Grace could not see how incredibly desperately in love Gary was with her and just thought they were friends and it was really awkward for Gary because she would do sloppy makeouts with Kyle in front of him it was pretty great for the rest of us poor Grace never believed us when we told her how crazy Gary was well she believed us after this shit.
Anyways it’s the second week we’ve been in this apartment Grace’s old lease ended at the end of our first week and her new lease didn’t start until the start of our third week so she had a week of nowhere to live so she was staying with us in Kyle’s room they were pretty happy with it and also very loud it set a precident that should not have been set sxo early anyways one day we’re all out doing errands and Grace is home and Gary comes over to see his bff for totally non scummy reasons and they’re aparently hanging out in our living room watching TV when Grace gets a phone call maybe idk she goes into the other room is the point and this is hwen Gary decides to put his master plan to finally win Grace’s heart into motion.
You see, while Gary had seen Grace date other guys in the past, he had always been confident that they would not last together, and that he would always bee therewhen it ended to try to sweep her off her feet and make tender, probably disappointing nerd love to her. While this never worked, he was confident it was only a matter of time. However, Kyle genuinely loves Grace, and always has, so there is a fear in Gary’s mind that the breakup that will get him with the girl of his dreams might not come, so he has become desperate.
So Gary decided to pull a play out of the playbook of a famous character from How I Met Your Mother. Not Barney, that would have required skill, game, and a basic understanding of how women think. No, he decides to try Mitch’s play. If you don’t remember who Mitch is, don’t feel bad, he’s only in like two episodes. He’s better known as the Naked Man.
That’s right. He pulled that move.
So Gary’s buck ass naked in our living room, BUT LITTLE DID GARY KNOW that while he was setting his brilliant plan into motion, I was walking into the aparmetn with my fuck buddy Jane, and we turn the corner into the living room to find Gary fucking CAPTAIN MORGANING ON OUR COFFEE TABLE. He is FULLY ERECT and we made eye contact.
I was told that we only stared at each other for like 10 seconds before I spoke but it felt like 10 years.
As I say this, Grace walks back into the room and I swear to god the sound she made she has never replicated it was like a mix between a shriek, a laugh, and a gasp it was awesome so she and Jane gtfo because they want nothihng to do with this and I’ve finally realized how insane all this is so I’m laughing my ass off and trying to tell Gary to put his pants back on and leave and he’s getting all pissed off because the love of his life ran away from his dick so he’s acting like a pissant I fucking love that word btw and he starts toward the hallto go confront Grace and I stop him because he’s not walking through our apartment naked.
So he takes a swing at me. He misses because he closes his eyes before he throws a punch but still he throws a punch at me.
Here’s the thing: I fight a lot. Like way too much by any sane standard. I weigh like 180 something and I’m fucking strong. Gary is 130 at most, weak as fuck, and also has spent the entire time I’ve known him annoying the shit out of me, and also is naked in our living room and trying to fuck my friend in her boyfriend’s apartment.
So I swing back. And I don’t miss.
Gary stummbles back and I kick hm in the ass because why not. I fucking rain on him for like 20 seconds before he tries grabbing on to me.
This is the point where I realize he’s still ROCK FUCKING HARD.
So I grab him by the dick.
And I pull.
I fucking lift Gary off the ground by his dick. At this point Paul and Kyle are getting back from their errands, and they walk into the apartment to see me giving Gary the worst handjob of all time while he tries his best moose call. They kinda just stare for a minute while I spin Gary around the room by his dick before Grace comes in screaming about what happened and Kyle jumps in to beat the shit out of Gary.
So we kick the shi9t out of Gary and make him put pants on before we kick him out because we aren’t a bunch of fucking savages and we all joke about it every time I’m arguing with someone at a party Kyle tells everyone I’ll rip their dicks off. Like a week later Grace hears from a friend that Gary tore a groin muscle from our little fight and it becomes even more hilarious to all of us we spoke to Gary once after this he called Grace a bitch and I threatened to feed him his balls.
So that’s the story of the time I gave a dude a mid-fight handy that was so rough I sent him to the hospital.