anthony mackie: national treasure

ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS I TALKED TO MY OLD ROOMMATES TODAY AND I’VE HAD 6 SHOTS IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES LET’S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!

So we decided that the next story I should tell should be one where I’m the asshole so we decided the story I’m going to tell is really the first story from this apartment and guys I am estatic because this is one of my favorites

Okay so since like a yeaqr before we moved in together Kyle was dating this girl Grace. Almost 4 years later they’re still dating it’s fucking cute as FUCK. Grace is fucking awesome we all love her also she is fucking fine like this girl probably could model. She also had a best friend from high school who I’m going to call Gary because that sounds like a sufficiently douchey name for this asshat Gary was a fuck like a whispy little piece of shit noone of us like Gary except Grace because apartently when Grace was in high school Grace was not fine and Gary was one of her only friends.

The problem with this was that Grace could not see how incredibly desperately in love Gary was with her and just thought they were friends and it was really awkward for Gary because she would do sloppy makeouts with Kyle in front of him it was pretty great for the rest of us poor Grace never believed us when we told her how crazy Gary was well she believed us after this shit.

Anyways it’s the second week we’ve been in this apartment Grace’s old lease ended at the end of our first week and her new lease didn’t start until the start of our third week so she had a week of nowhere to live so she was staying with us in Kyle’s room they were pretty happy with it and also very loud it set a precident that should not have been set sxo early anyways one day we’re all out doing errands and Grace is home and Gary comes over to see his bff for totally non scummy reasons and they’re aparently hanging out in our living room watching TV when Grace gets a phone call maybe idk she goes into the other room is the point and this is hwen Gary decides to put his master plan to finally win Grace’s heart into motion.

You see, while Gary had seen Grace date other guys in the past, he had always been confident that they would not last together, and that he would always bee therewhen it ended to try to sweep her off her feet and make tender, probably disappointing nerd love to her. While this never worked, he was confident it was only a matter of time. However, Kyle genuinely loves Grace, and always has, so there is a fear in Gary’s mind that the breakup that will get him with the girl of his dreams might not come, so he has become desperate.

So Gary decided to pull a play out of the playbook of a famous character from How I Met Your Mother. Not Barney, that would have required skill, game, and a basic understanding of how women think. No, he decides to try Mitch’s play. If you don’t remember who Mitch is, don’t feel bad, he’s only in like two episodes. He’s better known as the Naked Man.

That’s right. He pulled that move.

So Gary’s buck ass naked in our living room, BUT LITTLE DID GARY KNOW that while he was setting his brilliant plan into motion, I was walking into the aparmetn with my fuck buddy Jane, and we turn the corner into the living room to find Gary fucking CAPTAIN MORGANING ON OUR COFFEE TABLE. He is FULLY ERECT and we made eye contact.

I was told that we only stared at each other for like 10 seconds before I spoke but it felt like 10 years.

“What.”

As I say this, Grace walks back into the room and I swear to god the sound she made she has never replicated it was like a mix between a shriek, a laugh, and a gasp it was awesome so she and Jane gtfo because they want nothihng to do with this and I’ve finally realized how insane all this is so I’m laughing my ass off and trying to tell Gary to put his pants back on and leave and he’s getting all pissed off because the love of his life ran away from his dick so he’s acting like a pissant I fucking love that word btw and he starts toward the hallto go confront Grace and I stop him because he’s not walking through our apartment naked.

So he takes a swing at me. He misses because he closes his eyes before he throws a punch but still he throws a punch at me.

Here’s the thing: I fight a lot. Like way too much by any sane standard. I weigh like 180 something and I’m fucking strong. Gary is 130 at most, weak as fuck, and also has spent the entire time I’ve known him annoying the shit out of me, and also is naked in our living room and trying to fuck my friend in her boyfriend’s apartment.

So I swing back. And I don’t miss.

Gary stummbles back and I kick hm in the ass because why not. I fucking rain on him for like 20 seconds before he tries grabbing on to me.

This is the point where I realize he’s still ROCK FUCKING HARD.

So I grab him by the dick.

And I pull.

Hard.

I fucking lift Gary off the ground by his dick. At this point Paul and Kyle are getting back from their errands, and they walk into the apartment to see me giving Gary the worst handjob of all time while he tries his best moose call. They kinda just stare for a minute while I spin Gary around the room by his dick before Grace comes in screaming about what happened and Kyle jumps in to beat the shit out of Gary.

So we kick the shi9t out of Gary and make him put pants on before we kick him out because we aren’t a bunch of fucking savages and we all joke about it every time I’m arguing with someone at a party Kyle tells everyone I’ll rip their dicks off. Like a week later Grace hears from a friend that Gary tore a groin muscle from our little fight and it becomes even more hilarious to all of us we spoke to Gary once after this he called Grace a bitch and I threatened to feed him his balls.

So that’s the story of the time I gave a dude a mid-fight handy that was so rough I sent him to the hospital.

ALRIGHT YOU FUCKING SAVAGES IT’S FUCKING STORY TIME GET READY BECAUSE SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET HOT AS BALLS AND PRETTY FUCKING COLORFUL IT’S FIREWORKS TIME

Alright so first of all fireworks were a constant in that fucking building from day one we had a minimum of 15 lbs of party explosives at any given moment. And we used them regularly. And we learned some fun lessons about how to use fireworks indoors.

This story is about how our neighbors across the street learned those lessons all in one day.

So we fucking loved fireworks. We also unironically loved Katy Perry’s Firework but that’s unrelated. Anyways we would make regular trips deep into Indiana to load up two cars and an suv with exploding joy. One of our trips in our neighbors across the street decided they wanted in, so they brought a fucking old school hippie van and they spent a stupid amount of money on fireworks as well.

So a couple days after we get back Eric reveals his greatest invention which is a mobile launching station. It’s literally a Tonka dump truck with an adjustable jack to set the angle of the 4 steel tubes he welded to the truck bed, a protractor glued to the frame to help measure angles perfectly, and with lockable brakes for the wheels to keep it from moving when you shot it.

It was fucking brilliant.

So we decide to test that bad boy out, so we roll it onto our little balcony and we start firing shit out onto the street. We’re launching shit and throwing a little fireworks celebration for our neighbors because why the fuck not (it’s like November btw) and our neighbors across the street decide to join in because why not So they’re in their bathroom shooting shit out their window and everything is going great until they decide it’s a competition.

This is a terrible decision because we have 4 stable tubes and they have two that are propped up on books. Also to be fair I was kinda the one who decided it should be a competition.

So the inevitable happens, and one of their tubes tips and their mortar does not make it out the window. Shit goes off in their bathroom and things start catching fire. The immediate reaction is rather smart, as they start chucking shit out the window. They’re literally throwing everything out the window and after about a minute, we see a box launch out the window, hit the sidewalk in front of their building, break open, and then explode as all of the fireworks inside catch fire.

They throw two more boxes out the window and they both explode into amazing colors and we’re in our apartment laughing our asses off we’re still shooting off fireworks because we’re assholes someone down the block finally has enough sense to call the fire department they show up and put out the fire in front of their house. At that point the fire inside had already been handled.

Here’s the thing about Chicago firemen: they are the fucking coolest. They literally don’t give a shit what you do as long as you’re not doing it in a way that’ll get someone killed. Fireworks are technically illegal in Chicago but nobody really cares as long as you aren’t being reckless, so when they finish up putting out the fire they spend twenty minutes basically making fun of these guys for shooting off fireworks from inside, while we’re on the other side of the street laughing our asses off.

So that night as a sort of apology to these guys we throw a party and we shoot off most of our fireworks from our balcony and the lesson here kids is make sure your base is stable when you’re shooting fireworks or they will fuck your shit up good.

Alright everybody it’s story time! Today I am going to tell you all the other Bobby story and let me tell you something kids this one’s a doozy.

Alright so this is from the same night as the Literal Dick Parade we’ve all been fucking around in different rooms (mostly not our own) after that insanity. At like 3ish in the morning our captain knocks on my door and says he thinks we should go around and start getting kids back into their own rooms since we have a game the next day.

So we start texting kids and checking rooms and after like an hour of trying to get these fucking savages back in their rooms we’ve got everyone but Bobby back in their rooms. We’re checking all over on our floor and our captain decides it would be easier to find him if we split up into groups of three or four to check the whole hotel. So I’m walking through the halls with two of the boys and we’re looking for Bobby and one of the other guys decides he’s going to get a snack from the vending machine so he jogs ahead and rounds the corner into the vending area and like literally half a second later we just hear him scream at the top of his lungs so we sprint down the hall and run into the vending area and just

In the corner

Up against the ice machine

The 50-year-old mom of one of the cheerleaders

With Bobby’s dick sandwiched between her boobs.

And so the three of us are just standing there for a moment as Bobby violently thrusts into this woman’s chest, until we hear the pounding of feet coming down the hall. That kid’s scream has summoned literally our entire team.

So we have 16 kids suddenly at the entrance of this tiny little room all clamoring to find out what the fuck is going on and the three of us trying to block the door so they can’t get in. One of them manages to slip past the three of us and starts screaming about Bobby and I literally have half the guys grab me and start trying to drag me out of the room so they can see. It takes Bobby like a full minute to notice his audience and when he finally does he gives everyone the wink and point because what else would he do? Stop? That’s crazy talk.

So the captain and I finally get the team out of there and we’re all blocking the doorway because he’s 18 so there’s nothing illegal going on and this mom had spent the weekend hitting on us so we’re just going to let it run it’s course. Eventually they finish up and they come out and she’s just a mess so Bobby and our captain walk her back to her room because we literally don’t know what else to do and then we make everyone else go to bed. The next day after our game we went to get team dinner and we’re all joking around and one of the fucking dumbass freshmen (it’s always a fucking freshman I swear to god) fucking loudly announces in the restaurant with most of our families at the same table as us that Bobby titty-fucked a mom the night before.

So we’re all sitting there like horrified because Bobby’s parents are sitting right next to him and there’s this awful awkward silence and then his mom just turns to him and goes “was she pretty?”

So we all start dying because we all thought he was fucked but not the good way so we’re all laughing and joking around and we all started joking about it and it apparently became like a team joke long after we left like if some kid saw a hot mom at a hotel the seniors would jokingly tell them to go for it and to “be Bobby.”

ALRIGHT I’M EXPLAINING SOME SHIT BECAUSE I LITERALLY HAVE 40 ASKS ABOUT WHAT I TAG THINGS AS SO HERE YOU GO HERE’S ALL THE TAGS YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT

#Gutterati is apartment stories

#Whiskey Saga is non apartment stories

#Anthony Mackie is a National Treasure is what I tag literally everything because he is a goddamn national treasure and you better recognize

#Me is selfies

#YO I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT is going to be my friends’ selfies

#pertinent information is FAQs or things that I think you will find important.

I will add to this post if there are any more tags that I think you need to know about in the future.

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS THOUGHT I DIED

Alright so here’s the deal:

Like a month ago I had a bunch of shit happen at once. Job offers, school shit, I accidentally put myself in the hospital because I don’t understand that 4 of those 16 oz. cans of Red Bull is “too much caffeine,” along with a couple other things.

The point is I had a couple weeks where I was stupid busy followed immediately by getting yelled at by my doctor because I had a caffeine overdose again and that shit will kill me before my drinking ever gets a chance to do permanent damage.

Fun fact I have really poor self control.

Anyways I finally had some free time on like the 8th and so I finally got back on tumblr and I was excited to come back and talk to everyone and basically be the idiot you have all grown to expect me to be.

And so when I logged on I had like 40 new messages so I went straight to my ask box.

So because of the stories I’ve told on here I tend to get messages from people about crazy things they’ve “done” (those douche quotes will be important). A lot of times it’s people just telling me about terrible decisions they made when they were in college or living with friends because they think I’d think their stories are cool (they usually are pretty cool). Sometimes it’s people trying to one-up the shit we’ve done or try to act like their lives are cooler than mine (mildly annoying but these stories are usually pretty fun too). Generally I’ll read these stories and go “yes that is a thing that is possible.”

And then there are the children.

Ever since the sex tape story I’ve been getting asks or fan mails from people telling me stories that are literally impossible. Stories about drinking “like 10 bottles of whiskey” or fighting people they describe as “like 4 times bigger” than they are that they knock out in one punch. The common theme for these stories is a clear and hilarious lack of knowledge about whatever the main thing in their story works.

These stories are almost always anonymous, but the few times they haven’t been, they’ve been sent from the blogs of literal children. 13 or 14 year old kids sending me stories about the frat party where they “hooked up with like 6 chicks” or about the time they drank “a bunch of beers” and then gave themselves a sweet tat that everyone loves so much.

The point is these asks are fucking awful and I hate them.

I don’t know what happened but somehow the children of tumblr have discovered my blog and started messaging me en masse. That, combined with my life continuing to be incredibly busy, led me to decide that I wasn’t willing to deal with tumblr at all for a little while.

So basically, I got pissed off because children wouldn’t leave me alone so I went off and did important stuff for a while.

But now I haven’t gotten any of those messages in a while and things have settled slightly, so I’m coming back!

You’re welcome.