another year of a dream like existence

We should meet in another life, we should meet in air, me and you.

Sylvia Plath

I exist in two places, here and where you are.

Margaret Atwood

Souls cross ages like clouds cross skies.

David Mitchell

I’m kissing you now—across the gap of a thousand years.

Marina Tsvetaeva

Come back! Even as a shadow, even as a dream.

Euripides (tr. Anne Carson)

Hey you know when you have those dreams that force you to make painful discoveries about yourself like that you’re still holding a candle for someone who hasn’t actually thought about you in probably three years and you’re never going to be able to form a loving bond with another person until you accept that people don’t exist secondarily to you and they aren’t just going to sit around and wait for you to grow as a person and you’re a fucked up child for assuming they would? Yeah lol those are a hoot amirite

She was the girl of my dreams. We dated for many years and I always believed in my heart that the two of us would get married someday. I have missed her every day for the few years we have been apart, even though she hates every part of my existence. To this day I have never met another woman to light up my world like she did. I never understood what I did wrong until just recently.

I never thought of myself as the abuser, but I realize thats what I am. I forced her away, and will never forgive myself. I controlled nearly everything she did; what she wore, when we would go out, what we would do… It’s no wonder I loved her, I was making her do everything I thought was perfect. I was making her perfect.

After she left, I lost contact with most of my friends for putting my girlfriend at the time through years of psychological and physical abuse. I was alone and fell into a deep depression filled with numerous failed suicide attempts and I masked my feelings with drugs.
I still can’t forgive myself and I don’t trust myself to love anyone. I still mask the pain with drugs.

Limerence

Four years, I’d waited four years for him to talk to me, I believed that he was the only one at school that really saw me, appreciated me for who I was, didn’t pretend like I didn’t exist after my brother died. Four years of spending it like a wallflower just for a diploma, just to spend another four at college for a career in medicine. And if today wasn’t the day that he didn’t talk to me, it wouldn’t even happen any other day anymore. I left graduation with a heavy heart, everyone seemed to know about his crush except for me and instead of chasing the man of my dreams to find out for myself, I was stuck with my parents tonight, as I would be all summer this year as I was last year and the year before that. Even my younger brother urged me into going out and living it up, my dad just wouldn’t let me out of his sight, he was more worried about my internship in two weeks than I was, it wasn’t even my decision to go to medical school, he wanted it for me and I just had to live up to his expectations.

I was dreading to go out for a fancy family dinner tonight, while everyone was celebrating their accomplishment at Jenni’s graduation party, I had to discuss my future. I climbed out of the car as we arrived at the restaurant, my yearbook slipping from my lap as I bent through my knees to pick it up, frowning when I noticed someone else doing the same. I looked up at this person from underneath my lashes when my hands touched his and immediately pulled them back to clutch my yearbook against my chest, smiling shyly when he looked at me directly, no one had ever looked at me like that before. “Evan, right? We went to school together.”

thinking about this this morning:

4-5 years ago I was horribly depressed, self-harmed often and tried to kill myself multiple times, and lived every day feeling like I couldn’t bear to stand existing for another week. Nowadays I find something to get excited about every day, am surrounded by friends I care deeply about, look forward to things, have goals and plans and I am actively pursuing the dreams I thought were dead years ago.

just know it’s never too late for anything, and it does get better. probably not today, probably not tomorrow, but eventually everything will be fine.