The Hongi (or Honi) is a Polynesian greeting in which two people greet each other by pressing noses/foreheads and inhaling at the same time. This represents the exchange of ha, the breath of life, and mana, spiritual power, between two people. The ancient custom of Hongi when meeting another included touching foreheads together, inhaling, kissing the other on the cheek, hugging and then exhaling.
The time I ruined my high school teachers career and got her fired in the greatest way possible.
This story is widely known amongst my family and is constantly brought up and joked upon in my group of friends even years later. A buddy of mine suggested that this is the perfect place to make it public so let’s get into this shit storm.
Backstory: I was a senior in high school at the time and i had never been the brightest student. I was a solid C student and i had never received a detention or had any kind of bad student record. This is important because to this day, i still have no idea why the teacher treated me this way. The teacher, who we will name Mrs. Frank, had been a teacher there for more then a decade and was widely known for being a petty heartless bitch who the administrators saw as the golden child.
Mrs. Frank taught algebra, which is my worst subject, so naturally i had issues understanding the lessons and would ask questions frequently. To some these questions are easily answered but to me it was rocket science.
Usually when someone asks a dumb question, no one should address it however in Mrs. Franks case she would belittle me in front of everyone by saying things such as “And here comes the slow boy again” , “wow surprise surprise you don’t understand it again” “Really? We have to go extra slow for you today don’t we” etc…etc.
I tried going to the administration about it before but again she was considered the golden child. They would send someone in to examine her during class, she would act respectful and normal for one day, and go back to being a bitch the next.
This goes on for about half the year until i had enough. I went to the local radioshack, bought a recorder, and secretly recorded every insult she would throw at me. I would sometimes instigate to make up for the lost time.
Go ahead feed the fire.
Fast forward to the end of the year and im sitting in Mrs. Franks class when i ask a question. Her response, and i quote (because it’s burned into my brain) was-
“I’ve been teaching here for over 10 years and that was the single dumbest question I’ve ever heard come from anyone’s mouth.”
She continued the lesson without answering. I calmly stood up, packed up my stuff, and headed to the nurses office to dismiss myself from school. (We were allowed to dismiss ourself if we were 18.)
I went home, compiled all of the brutal tapes into one glorious masterpiece of insults, and headed back the next day to show the administrators. I sat down with the principal and we listened to a couple of the insults before he stopped me. He wanted more witnesses present as well as Mrs. Franks. He told me we would meet the next day where i could show him and the rest of the administrators the full tape.
I walk into school the next morning being the most nervous iv ever been for anything. I was called down to the office where i met with some board directors, the local school police officer, the principal, the vice principal and Mrs. Franks.
What follows was some of the greatest minutes of my life.
I watched as the administrators went from fed up with being in another useless meeting, to furious and speechless with some of them keeping their mouths open for the duration of the tape. I also watched Mrs. Frank go from confident and stuck up, to her realizing that she had f*cked up beyond repair.
She was publicly roasting herself in front of the most important people from the district.
The tape ended and without hesitation, the administrators looked around in astonishment and the principal turns to me and says “I think we have heard everything we need to, thank you.” And i was quietly dismissed from the room.
The final time i saw Mrs. Frank was leaving the room. I looked back and we made eye contact through her tear filled eyes as i gave the biggest most evil smile.
I returned to class the next week and Mrs. Frank was no where to be found. The story spread quickly throughout the school and i was seen as a saint. I had successfully gotten her fired and made it almost impossible for Mrs. Frank to return to her teaching career as well as cut off most of her connections she had with other teachers in the school. I had ruined her financially because no school district in the area would hire this walking piece of garbage.
If you’re reading this Mrs. Frank id like to take this moment to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
GayBFF uses a similar framework of apps like Tindr or Grindr to allow queer people and those that love them to meet one another without worrying about expectations related to romance or sex. Ruben Jauregui, Jr. decided to create the platform after witnessing a lack of other social media apps providing the opportunity for LGBTQ people to find friends.
”While we in the LGBTQ Community celebrate the progress on legal and social acceptance, the rates of depression, loneliness and substance abuse remain stagnant,” Jauregui, Jr. told The Huffington Post. “It is still dangerously alienating to go through life as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer. I want GayBFF to be a community that will help us bond and grow with each other and our straight allies.”
GayBFF allows users to swipe either left or right on personal profiles to see if they “match” with other users who then have the potential to become friends. Jauregui, Jr. went on to tell HuffPost that the current American political climate make apps like this more crucial than ever ― especially for young LGBTQ people seeking outlets to form community.
“We keep waiting for the moment when we feel like we are not different from other people,” Jauregui, Jr. said. “The fact is, we are different, and it’s about time we love and embrace that.”
“I don’t know what to say to you,” the girl said. “Um, thanks, I guess.”
“Thanks is good,” I replied.
Silence stretched, punctuated only by the scuffle of a Sharpie on a page.
We were in the same boat, the girl and I — both at a book festival, both at the end of a long day full of people, both in a signing line that had been going on for an hour already. There was only one big difference between us: she was on one side of the table, and I was on the other. Sometimes that difference seems to matter more than others.
Before I was published, I read a lot of accounts of what it was like to have your work out there, but I never read anything about what it was like to have yourself out there. I suppose I never really thought about it, to tell you the truth. I thought you wrote a book and hopefully people liked it and if I thought about book tours at all, I figured they involved standing on a stage for a bit before disappearing into a rental car. The truth, however, is that now — ten years and fifteen novels in to my career — most of my hours in front of people are spent in a signing line. Forty minutes on a stage or behind a table for a panel, and then two or three hours meeting a few hundred strangers. I had no idea what it would be like.
Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it’s awkward. When it’s uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another and to meet each other in our questions.
wow, so you’re probably thinking to yourself or selves right now, “what are girls? where do i meet girls? how do i get them to like me? why does it feel like someone is peering into my mind right now?” and other pressing questions. today i will answer three of them.
what are girls?
girls are girls. they’re whatever girls are. girls are tall. sometimes they are not. sometimes they seem to have inverse heights that distort the space around them. some girls have vaginas or penises or any other variation and maybe even nothing. it’s amazing how many things that girls are and often these things are contradictory or paradoxical on the quantum level. if you’re reading this, you may yourself be a girl. if you’re not sure, try asking yourself “am i a girl?” if yourself says yes, then you’re a girl. if no, sorry, this isn’t for you. if you’re not sure or you find out new information later come back and read this another time.
where do i meet girls?
girls can be found just about anywhere. a cave. in a dream. at a noise show. anywhere. sometimes they don’t even exist at all for long periods of time before manifesting themselves physically after a series of rituals involving candles and/or swear-heavy incantations. girls like dark, damp places. sometimes they do not and they like other places. i once met a girl in a house i was living in. that girl was my mom. this is not a guide on meeting your mom. you want to meet a girl you can date.
how do i get a girl to like me?
no one knows. i once got a girl to like me by mentioning nihilism as a means of survival. sometimes they like it when you make a joke about a horse. i once liked a girl because i saw her lift 200 lbs over her head. there are likely an infinite number of ways to get girls to like or dislike you. this often depends on the girl. is the girl a goth? try wearing all black or, if you don’t own enough black clothing, blotting out the sun with your foul miasma. is the girl into hiking? try corralling deer and wolves into her home to recreate her favorite surroundings. is the girl a timeless entity beyond mortal understanding? try flowers.
i hope this helped and you can all meet some nice girls to kiss or hold hands or enact full communism with <3
-A woman explained to her daughter that the chip readers are stealing card information and selling it to the internet. I am glad to see that this wisdom will be passed down from generation to generation.
-I have grown accustomed to guests abandoning their carts at my lane and leaving the store. I was not prepared for this to happen while the child was still seated within.
-A woman grew outraged to find that her purchase of “Underwear! Just underwear!” cost her $25. I was outraged on her behalf as well, until I noticed that, for this total, she was getting twenty pairs. Now, more than anything, I want to know where she shops that she can get skivvies by the score for less.
-Several guests have purchased clearance condom cartons. The only thing I have ever trusted less than this product is their judgement.
-In the middle of paying, a woman slammed a severed cat head onto the counter. After a brief moment of indescribable terror, I realized that it was mer a hyperrealistic design on a coin purse. This is not much more acceptable in my book.
-A four year-old picked up a brochure off the counter and, after a few moments of consideration, informed me that she was going to get a debit card. This sort of thriftiness will serve her well going forward. If she maintains these savings throughout her life, she could easily pay off her student loans by age seventy-five.
-A pair of elderly women came through my lane. One remarked on how we run into each other everywhere, despite my never having met her before. The other then commented that every time she comes through the store, I rob her. I apologized without being quite sure what for. I was chastised for this choice, being told that it was not my job to deal with two crazy old women. I smiled and nodded, opting to tread carefully for this purchase. This prompted them to decide that I must be shy and discuss how incredibly talkative I was not. Desperate for any escape at this point, even if not physical, I zoned out entirely, focusing on scanning their items as swiftly as I could. When I tuned back into my new friends, they had moved on to the subject of relationships, and how they would neither rest nor be content until I took to flirting with each person I ever encountered. I handed them their bags and bid them a good day. They told me they would see me again soon to continue their work. I hope another meeting does not come to pass, but after their first remark, I will be looking around all corners carefully for the foreseeable future.
-I asked a woman if she had found everything alright. She told me that she had, and so she put it all back where she found it.
Mars is not dead but a thriving planet with its own sentient race, Earth and Mars have progressed in almost perfect parity over millennia. We have known of our neighbors for some time and at the dawn of interplanetary travel, Earthlings and Martians are excited to finally meet one another.
Angsty headcanon, because I like to hurt myself and those around me:
When Molly learns she’s pregnant, Sherlock’s first instinct is to hide it because he’s afraid someone dangerous may find out. One day, he receives a small package, no return address…but the scent is instantly familiar. He’s terrified, but he hastily rips the paper off of the small box. He opens it to find a small, worn toy airplane, and a note:
“Make sure to keep your little one on the ground.”