another love

I don’t show you any of my poems because I only want you to see the best versions of me and all the good ones are about you,
I don’t know if that’s because you literally make everything better just like magic,
Just like the sun bringing flowers out of dirt and people out of houses,
Or because more people can relate to heartbreak than the very specific trauma I went through for so long,
Or my sister’s bravery
I don’t want to keep writing you poems or stories,
I don’t care if no one notices the thousand canvases I paint all day or the flowers I secretly grow at night,
It’s worth invisibility to not have you racing through my mind at all times
I want to be free of all chains,
I want to wake up in the middle of the night to go dancing with my cousin not to hallucinate terrifying figures trying to climb into bed with me
I choose happy and I choose life over you and over sick
I don’t believe in wish bones,
Playing with someone’s bones is disgusting, and you know all about that,
I wish I didn’t choke saying goodbye and I wish I didn’t say it every week because after three days I call you again,
Someone fight me for my phone, someone watch me at night,
I may be an adult but I need someone to take care of me like a child
I’m getting sick again and it has nothing to do with him stop bringing him up this is my life not his.
—  In the Silent Spaces Between Our Fights I Find Myself

I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love (Another Love by Tom Odell)