annewrites

I wrote a thing for school and realized it was horrible all over, so I had to come up with something else, and fast. But because I couldn’t change the horrible piece I did for school (because I had to read it out loud the next day), I was about to cry.

But this wasn’t going to happen. I won’t cry just because I’m not getting an A this time. I’m not that much of a wimp.

My head felt heavy and I sat back on my bed, putting down the headphones that had been blaring nearly-aggressive Indie into my ears. There was something about writing a speech in German and thinking in English, but I got tangled in between the translations and setbacks my brain made. It had been happening for a while now, long enough even for me to think it was just another sign of my schizophrenia.

Now I thought about my teacher telling me to cut the shit I was pulling in my text. She said every other teacher might’ve taken it as me defiling Hamlet, but she knew it wasn’t quite that. I was grateful. She still gave me the highest grade anyone in my course got and I felt really dirty, because of course I knew what she meant.

I was an arrogant little shit and starting to get insufferable. Since the countdown was set on 21 schooldays left whatsoever, she let it slide and I did too – I was so proud for not crying – but I felt horrible throughout my entire social sciences lesson.

And now I had to learn that dumb crap I wrote last Sunday night out of insomnia because I had no other option left.

Great. 

i. Do not prioritize sex. The intensity of love cannot be measured by surrendering your “all”. Do not force your partner to do it if they are not ready for it. The strength of your relationship does not depend on this. It depends on the both of you, on how you will work everything out. It would not make you less of a person if you are not having sex. 

ii. Do not take them for granted just because you know that they will always be there for you. They need constant appreciation and attention. You might still love them, but it takes effort and time to make them feel that you really do. You are one of those lucky few who were able to have someone by your side so take care of them.

iii. Do not rush things. Yes, you are in a relationship, but it takes time to earn their full affection and full trust. Introducing them right away to your family would be lovely, but how sure are you that they are the one? You would not want introducing different people every year. You still have a lot to know about each other so do not be prematurely sure about everything. Take things slowly.

iv. Do not bring up the past. They chose to be with you, so be happy about it. What matters is the present. Do not blame them for the wrongs they committed before you came into their life. It is not their fault. Your story is different. 

v. Do not cuss. You may have a big fight, but do not ever say bad words. They will be strongly offended whether you address it to them or not. Be respectful. You are not fighting with just some other person. It is terrifying to be with someone who cannot control their anger.

vi. Do not bottle up everything that bothers you. Communication is vital in a relationship. Do not wait for things to get worse before telling them about your concern. If they are the one who has something to say, listen. Your relationship matters that is why they want to talk it out with you.

vii. Do not assume that a couple has to be together all the time. You must have your space at times. They are not the only ones you have in your life. You have your family and friends. Be independent. Do not hold them by the neck. Do not restrict them from going to places without you. Trust them.

viii. Do not be selfish. It is not only you who needs to be understood. It is not all about you alone. It is fine to make demands, but you have to consider their feelings too if they agree or not with you. Be fair. 

ix. Do not have high expectations. Be contented with what they can give you. Do not force them to be someone they are not just to fulfill your needs. Everyone is unique so embrace everything that comes with them.

x. Do not say things that you might regret out of anger like saying goodbye. It would hurt them badly that they might not want to come back to you no matter how much you beg. Think before you speak.

I cannot deny the fact that I still look for you in every person that I meet. I admitted to myself that you are still better than anyone else, with your flaws and all. Only your touch seemed legal and right. I cannot allow anyone to touch me the same way. I guess this is okay, loving you despite of your absence; loving you despite of the heartbreak. You are irreplaceable and it amazes me how you owned me for life.

i. She is sensitive. Choose your words carefully because she might not forget it once you offended her. It may affect her self-esteem. Simple matters may turn into a big deal for her especially if it involves you, her boyfriend. She can be easily hurt because you are important to her. Expect her to be over-sensitive during red days.

ii. She needs your attention. She is worth your time. She would want to talk to you non-stop because you are her favorite person. She may be noticed by many, but it would mean nothing if you are not among them. She is striving to be better because you inspire her. Complimenting her would make her really happy.

iii. She gets jealous easily. Bear with her. Nobody wants to be replaced by someone else. She is just protecting your relationship. She fears that upon being close with others, you might forget about her. She is not doing it as a desperate measure to gain your attention. Being jealous is a human nature. It is normal. It does not mean that she does not trust you enough. What she needs is reassurance.

iv. She is your bestfriend. She must be the first person to know about everything that happens to you. You must let her know every detail about you. You would not want her to feel disappointed with herself, just because other people knows you better than she does. She will listen and she will understand. She can be your greatest confidant. She can be playful and she can definitely ride on your interests.

v. She is moody. One minute, she can be the happiest human in the world. Next second, she will be angry for no apparent reason at all. She may even ignore you for a while. It is hard being a girl because a lot of things frustrate her. Getting mad at her too, would not help at all. Just let her be. Comfort her. Do not be annoyed. You must be patient with her. It will soon pass anyway.

Girls may differ, but they all need the same thing — to be loved and to be respected. She may get to your nerves at times, but you have to be understanding. Do not let her feel less of a person. Bring out the best in her instead. Inspire her and make her happy every waking day. Cherish her and make her feel that she is the most beautiful girl you had ever seen. Treat your girlfriend right.

i. you can wear anything you want. no one would get mad at you for wearing shorts or skirts. no one would frown at you because you look too good to be unnoticed by other guys. you can rock heels or sneakers. you can flaunt your shoulders or your legs. just be cautious because perverts are everywhere.

ii. you have enough time for yourself. you can focus on your studies or your work. you can chill with your family everyday. you can go out with your friends as much as you want to or as much as you can. you can do anything you love doing like blogging for the whole day or indulging yourself to a book. 

iii. you can be anywhere you wish. aside from your parents, you do not need to ask for permission to go somewhere. you can enjoy the serenity of the beach. you can have coffee at a cafe and have a date with your favorite book. you can watch your most awaited film on cinemas. you would not mind being alone, but it would be fun to watch with your friends.

iv. you can date anyone. it is not obligatory to have a commitment with the person you are dating with. you just get to know the person and enjoy spending time with them. dating also applies on friends. you can go out and grab pizza or you can shop for dresses and shirts.  

v. you can have the most comfortable sleep. you can doze off without worrying about sleeping on someone over the phone. you can go to sleep without having a heavy heart from an argument, which most couples experience. you would only sacrifice sleep for your studies or for overtime at work. 

vi. you have a healthy wallet. you can save up your money. you would not worry about having limited resources because you would only spend them for yourself. you also have enough to invest for your collection of books, clothes, and even toys. 

you can wear anything you want but it would be nice to have someone who would be concerned for you regarding this matter. they would want you to be simple because they do not want others to discover how stunning you are. they do not want other guys to notice you. they want you for themselves only. you have enough time to do things that you love, but it would be lovely to share your precious time with someone special. you can do stuff together and have a good laugh about it. you can be anywhere you wish, and it would be nice to be with someone while walking by the shore or while having a cup of your favorite coffee. you would not cry or laugh alone while watching movies. you would have a hand to hold as you make your way through a crowded place. it does not matter where you would be as long as you have each other. having a consistent date is priceless. you would not get tired of being together. you would bond and you would know each other more. you would enjoy each other’s company. there would not be a need to adjust because you already know them too well. it feels different to sacrifice sleep for someone special. like, you would not mind because having conversations with them would not be tiresome. you would even be glad to do so. you may have a healthy wallet, but you would miss spending for someone else like, surprising them with their favorite food or buying them a shirt that, you strongly think, would look good on them. 

being single may be fun, but having someone by your side would make a huge difference. no wonder many of us dreams of being in a happy relationship.

i. Fighting. Some have a habit of starting a fight. It may be to seek attention or to try and resolve an issue. It may be brought about by sulkiness or worse, jealousy. It is endless, thus making you feel tired of explaining, listening and understanding.

ii. Suffocation. You got told off for doing certain things that you usually do. You were forced to stop talking to other people because your partner gets jealous. You were not allowed to hang-out with your friends anywhere if your partner would not be able to come. You cannot even decide for yourself because your partner, more often than not, disagrees with you. Your partner becomes so controlling and selfish, so you seek freedom to breathe.

iii. Trust Issues. Some people really do have this which resulted from a horrible past. The key is reassurance. If you try hard enough consistently, they will let their guard down for you. Another case is cheating. No matter how hard you try to accept what happened to patch things up, your fear of being cheated again will still linger for a very long time. It will result to endless bickering and spying. It will not be healthy for your relationship.

iv. Taken For Granted. This is a disadvantage of being so comfortable with one another. You will always think that everything will be fine with them even if you did not ask how they really feel about a certain situation. You will have the courage to do whatever you want because you know that they will still stay. You better think twice or else, you will see them walking out the door soon.

v. Third Party. Do not be surprised if your partner is desperately searching for reasons to blame you so they can leave you. They are brave enough to say goodbye even if the issue is really not a big deal because they already have someone new.  

vi. Lost Spark. Both of you stopped trying and everything eventually became boring. 

vii. Incompatibility. Once you get to know your partner in so many levels, you may find that it is quite impossible to last long with them. You cannot get along well in making decisions or you have a complete opposite set of interests or principles in life.

viii. No Communication. When you get tired of quarreling, you just stop communicating with each other because of your fear that you may raise a new subject to fight about. With this, the weight of the baggage on your heart will continue to grow until you fall apart.

ix. Distance. They cannot bear being apart from you for too long especially if you used to be together most of the time. A huge adjustment must be done and they lack the strength to overcome it. Loneliness and trust issues are also contributing factors in this case.  They find comfort in whoever is there for them and they eventually fall for that person.

I am sorry if i am unwilling to let you go. I may be selfish, but i do not want to give us up. We have been through so much already to stop. Maybe we can work this out if we try hard enough. I will control my anger this time. I will lengthen my patience and i will broaden my understanding. I will think out of the box and consider your feelings and explanations. I will try my best to be better for you.

I am sorry if i get jealous easily. I am not dumb to not notice how they look at you. My instincts tell me that they want you. They use your friendship as a form of defense for their ulterior motives. They get in my nerves and i want you to distance yourself away from them. I am not mad at you. I trust you. I just do not want them to have a chance to lay their finger at you. I want you all for myself only. 

I am sorry for hurting you. I tend to throw sharp words at you when we argue. I never thought of how you would feel. I should have known that i am not the only one who is hurting. I should have just shut my mouth or expressed myself in a nice way. I should have planted smiles on your lips and not shower your eyes with tears. You are more important than our argument.

I am sorry for stressing you. I unintentionally added up to your baggage when i should be making things easier for you. I should be making you forget about your problems. I should have thought that you had enough of hard times already. 

Please give me another chance to make things right. I cannot afford to lose you. I will always remind myself how lucky i am to be chosen by you. I know we will take baby steps, but it is worth the try. Let us help each other save our dying relationship. Please, stay.

i. Because you can. We all have the capacity to forgive. We just find it hard to do it for some reason. Everyone deserves forgiveness regardless of how grave the offense is. God always forgives, so why can’t we? It may take time for some because wounds does not heal overtime.

ii. To have a peace of mind. As long as you do not forgive, it will bother your thoughts everyday. It will hurt you over and over again. What’s done is done. We cannot bring back the past to undo everything. All we can do is to accept it and move on. Let go of the anger and the pain. Forgive.

iii. To set yourself free. The moment you let go of everything that hurts, you will feel brand new. It is like being born again. You will be free from all the burden that has been torturing you before. The past will not haunt you anymore.

iv. Because you are strong enough. You will grant them peace despite of what they had done to you. You are strong enough to accept everything and to let go. You are strong enough to not let anger and hatred consume you.

v. Because you deserve to be happy. Your life should not be wasted on thinking about what happened, or the what-could-have-beens if it did not happen. Time is too precious to be spent on your worries alone. You should live life finding happiness in everything you do, from people you cherish, and from peace that you would gain from forgiving those people who had hurt you.

She enjoys the smoke.

But it doesn’t make her a bad person. It doesn’t mean that she is an addict or something horrible. It is a turn-off for some people but she does not care.

People do not understand. They have this kind of mindset that males are the only ones who are licensed to smoke. People do not understand that there is a story behind what pushed her to become who she is now. She somewhat became dependent on cigarettes, in the sense that it relieves her stress. It helps her overcome anxiety and nervousness. She wants to save herself but she cannot seem to stop. Trying to refrain from smoking is like trying to move on from a love lost. It is that hard.

One good thing about her is, she does not influence her friends to do the same. She moves away from people whenever she lights one to smoke because she is aware of secondhand smoking. She gets mad when her friends are forcing her to teach them how to smoke. She brings up awareness to them of its hazards. She does not want them to suffer like her. So even if she cannot help herself, she saves the lives of those curious souls instead.

I feel like I am not waiting for you anymore, though inside I know I still am. I am getting used to being alone. I forgot about looking at the clock, waiting for you to come home. I forgot about checking for messages from you. I forgot about checking up on you. It feels like I was born again. I feel stronger. I feel independent. I found happiness within me. I enjoy doing things without expecting you to be proud of it. I am my own friend and my own confidence booster. I feel peaceful now that I had not been mad for quite some time. It feels good to not worry too much. Back then, I thought I will not make it but I did. I made it through.
—  Lighter

She is clingy. She is eager to settle down.

She is afraid of losing the one she loves. She gives her whole trust. She entrusts her whole heart. She gets paranoid when she sees him talking with another girl. She would ask who he was talking to and why they were talking. She would ask for the girl’s whole name and would stalk her on Facebook. She even stalks those girls who posts comments on her boyfriend’s wall. She spies on her boyfriend’s phone. She knows that it is rude but she cannot help it. She reads messages from girls, which she later found out that they were only friends or co-workers. She trusts her man, but she does not trust the girls around him. She wants to be with him 24/7. He became her own world.

The thought of settling down excites her. Like, she wants to be married to him right away. She does not care about how the future would turn out. All she thinks about is, she does not want to lose him. She knows deep down that she will love him all the days of her life. She cannot imagine life with someone else.

People may find someone like her as an annoying person. Well, she is just misunderstood. She is a product of a broken family. She got left out by people so many times. Thus, making her so attached with the love of her life. She is afraid of being left alone again. All she needs is a man who would understand her, who would never get tired of giving her reassurance, and a man who would never leave her.

It was raining hard that night.

Despite the weather, i still pushed through just to be with you. I was aware that you did not bring an umbrella with you, so i came over to lend you mine. I was freezing and i was soaked. I hugged myself to give warmth to my body against the cold breeze. Then there you were, smiling and was so happy to see me. You told me that i should have not come, but you know that i cannot afford to just sit and relax at home, while you were out there alone in the middle of the harsh, pouring rain. We hung around for a bit before i took you home.

It was raining that night. As usual, i came to see you. The thing is, i was not prepared for the rain, so both of us got soaked. We ran. We laughed hard. We cracked the silence of a sleeping city. We got tired so we sat in front of a building to dry ourselves for a while. Everything about that moment was perfect. Then it happened — our first kiss.

It was a rainy night. Things were not the way they used to be. We had a little fight over the phone, so i came to have a glimpse of you. You just sent me a message. You told me to go away. But i waited, hoping to see you by chance. I waited for nothing. I was nearly falling apart. You were just nearby but you did not came out to see me. I left with a heavy heart.

It was a rainy night. We were fighting. There were cluttered hurtful words everywhere. Both of us would not shut up. I strongly felt that you were hiding something from me. My instincts told me that you were having an affair, but i went against it and embraced you. I wanted to trust you again. I did not want to lose you.

It was a rainy night. I cannot come over because i was a thousand miles away from you. I wondered if you brought your umbrella. I wondered if you were doing fine. We have not seen each other for a while. When suddenly, my doubts before were confirmed. You cheated on me. Not once, but a lot of times. You were horrified that i found it out. You tried to fix things between us. You tried to win me back. I knew better than to be a fool again. I left you.

It is raining tonight. Here i am, alone in this cozy home. I have nowhere to go, and no one to pick up anymore. Thoughts of you still haunted me during this kind of weather. Rainy days reminds me of what we used to be.

We may not notice but we love getting hurt. We still stay even if we can always walk away any time of the day. We still hold on even if all we can grasp is thin air. We keep on hoping that something good might happen if we endured the pain a little longer. We dwell on memories which we could never ever bring back. We stab our hearts with our own knives. We question the universe about the situation that we are in, when all along, the answers lie in the palm of our hands.

When i love, i give away every piece of me, leaving myself empty. Even if they lose their grip and let my heart shatter, i would always pick up the pieces left and offer it back to them. They would be at ease, knowing that i would stay no matter what. I keep on mending only to be broken again. That is the problem. The problem is with me.

Be thankful that you once got hurt. You may hate that person, but you should be grateful for the lesson you had learned. You would know what things should be avoided, and who are worth keeping. You would be smart enough not to fall for the wrong ones. You would not be with the amazing person you currently have in your life if you were still connected with your hurtful past. You would not be this happy.

We keep on eyeing for the things that we do not have. Little do we notice that we actually have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe because we got used to having them.

i. Gift of life. Be thankful that you still wake up everyday. You have a great purpose. Do not be pessimistic even if life is being tough on you. You are just being tested and being molded to be a better person. You are still alive and everyday you have a chance to do something about it. Think of life as a sign of hope. 

ii. Health. Some people are struggling at the moment and are dreading for tomorrow. They would give anything just to live a little longer. Look at you. You can do anything you set your mind to. You are able to see, hear, smell, taste and touch. You can walk, run, jump, skip and hop. You can enjoy the pleasure of eating anything you want. You can enjoy outdoor activities, while some are stuck, lying on their hospital bed.

iii. Shelter and clothes. It is not about how grand the architecture of your house is. It is not about how tall or how wide it is. As long as you have your family with you, it is already home. Be thankful that you have a shelter to protect you against the raging storm and against the scorching heat. Be thankful that you have enough clothes to wear everyday. It does not have to be branded or expensive. Some were not fortunate. 

iv. Loved ones. Life is more meaningful with your loved ones in it. Always make time for them despite of your busy schedule. With them, you will always have a place in this world. They will always love and understand you. When everyone walks away, they are the ones who would stay with you. 

v. Education. Not all are fortunate to get proper education on schools even if they badly wanted to. Your parents strives hard to support your studies, so it is rightful and just to pay them back by studying hard. They are paying thousands worth of their hardwork and sacrifice. Appreciate it.

vi. Food. Do not complain if the meal prepared for you is not to your own liking. Be thankful that you still get to eat three times a day or more. Some people rummages trash just to feed their growling stomach. 

This list can go on actually. If only you would take a closer look, you would appreciate everything, even the littlest of things. Always look at the bright side and be thankful for all the blessings that you have.

I have not heard from you for a while.

I wonder how you are doing. I wonder where you are right now. I hope i still cross your mind despite of your busy life. I hope you miss those long conversations over the phone. You would tell me stories about how you were pissed off by or of someone, of how you felt at a specific moment, of how you were bothered by your issues, and of how you think about a certain person. You told me truths, which not everyone knows about. You showed me the real you, hiding beneath that grumpy persona. We would sleep late, talking about almost anything. I knew almost everything about you, within a short period of time. You are my bestfriend.

There was a slight change. You now found someone to love. I am genuinely happy for the both of you. I am grateful that i was the first one you chose to hear about it. A part of me knew that i would not have your full attention like before. I knew that our hours of phone conversations would be down to a few minutes. I knew that I would not be the first to hear about your daily musings. I would not be the first person you would call in the middle of the night when you find it difficult to sleep. I knew that i would not hear you laugh for a long time.

I miss you. I am still trying to adapt, but fret not. I will get used to this. I know my place in your life. I will catch you when you are about to take a great fall. I will be your pillar in times where you feel like breaking down. I will always be around when you need me. In the long run, i would never forget you.