Aliens are so used to humans wanting to pet the most deadliest creatures they find because PUPPER that they have prepared on every ship with a human crewmate. They have human sitting duties and at least 2 chaperones when going planet-side, just in case they get any ideas.
Then a crew gets a human for the first time and it’s everything like what the Human Care Manual says. The human is loud, but pleasant, always joke around with the crew and was tremendous during that Flokkut Raid on Sector 6. The human even brought a camera with it to take pictures on the ship (it’s bigger than most, downright obnoxious in shape to some of the crew, but the human is happy with it, and a happy human is a bonded human)
So then they go down to a planet, letting the human explore with his chaperones. After walking for a while the group stumbles on a herd of Dwetts, elks with fish eyes and flippers. The aliens sigh cause it was bound to see creatures sooner or later, and turn to give Acceptable Reason #6 from the manual, when the human disappeared! They freak out because how did the human leave??? Does it have invisibility??? That wasn’t part of the manual!! But they hear their human saying “guys, stop moving! You’re going to upset them!”
They look down to see the human lying on his stomach looking through his camera, taking pictures. They were shocked, but did as they were told and sat down. For hours they watched the human taking photos, being as quiet as still as possible. This couldn’t be the same human??
When the human was done, it got up, stretched, and headed back for the ship. The chaperones followed suit. When they got back the captain was surprised that they returned without a creature (even with 2 chaperones, he suspected that the human would win anyway) but was astonished to hear what had happened.
“You didn’t want to take one as these ‘pets’ for the ship??”
“No???? Why would I? They aren’t domesticated, they need space to live which the ship wouldn’t supply.”
“But aren’t they cute in human terms?”
“I mean, I would say more interesting than cute. But seriously, how would we take care of it? How to feed it, groom it, keep away from all the sensitive equipment? It would be dangerous for us and it if we take one from the wild. You really want one that badly?”
“Wha- No! It’s just…you seemed to like them?”
“I mean yeah, it’s a new animal species, and I did take pictures, but not as long as I hoped for. Honestly you have to look at the ecosystem here before getting any animals on board.”
The captain immediately notified the Human Care Committee that their section on animal bonding does not apply to human subclass professional wildlife photographer
my name is jake. I can't tell you my real name, because I'm the leader of a special group of kids... we're called the Animorphs. Because we morph into animals and fight aliens.
'god, please don't do this,' i begged on my knees. Visser Three had all of my loved ones hanging from his claws in his multi-armed alien morph and was slowly squeezing the life out of them. 'you must either choose them, jake, or the rest of your planet.' i couldn't take it. i started to morph into a cockroach.
as i felt my own brain slither down my throat and into my torso to reform into my digestive system, my bones also began to dissolve into dust inside my skin. my eyes shrunk back into my skull and i could see into eternity- i could see my own mind, taken over by the yeerk. i had already taken my last breath as a free creature, now i saw my last vision as a being of this dimension. suddenly, i was gone. and my parents would never even know i had died. was saving the world worth this? i wondered, if anyone on this planet could be forced to prioritize one life over another, what choice would they make? how can any decision be right, or wrong? i closed my mind off, and fell into eternal sleep, my last echoes of thought being of how humanity continued to live on, but not truly alive.
'hey, bro, wanna go to mc d's and grab some fries?' marco asked, riding by on his skateboard. 'yeah, that'd be totally radical!' i answered, whipping out my own razor scooter. as i pulled a nasty kickflip, i felt eyes watching me. turning around, i saw my own dog, and thought of the horrible truth only i knew. we went to the mall to get big macs. it was a good day to not be dead.
I know a popular ‘humans are weird to
aliens’ topic is how easily humans can bond to animals. But then
think the opposite.
We humans are so weird because we are
practically bonding magnets
have our social hierarchies, so it makes sense that we can fit in
with certain groups like dogs and even gorillas if we can understand
them enough. We get ourselves acquainted with dogs who have been
domesticated and these dogs will leap into our laps and constantly
bother us for pets and treats and licking us as a way to show
affection. People who can get certain animals to open up to us are
super cool. Aliens are in awe of how our understanding of them can
get us into a pack so readily that humans who are super close to
normally protective dog mothers are allowed to hold their precious
even manage to bond with animals like cats, known to be mostly
solitary. We care for these cats and when they’re comfortable they
will break their isolation and seek us out for affection.
an alien seeing a dog or cat go to an upset human and try to nuzzle
them or snuggle into their lap to let themselves be held for our
emotional comfort. These animals which, though currently
domesticated, were descended from predators streamlined towards a
goal of becoming efficient hunters. Willingly coming to our emotional
aid and comforting us because they’ve bonded with us so closely.
see dogs act as protectors and bark away intruders on the human
territory, but instantly turn happy when they know it’s their owner
and friend. They see cats utilizing inborn maternal instincts to hunt
down and leave 'gifts’ of dead things in an effort to feed and teach
their humans to take care of them since we’re such worthless hunters
in their eyes. They’ll even know if something is wrong with humans
medically before we do, or know about disturbances in the home like
fires or gas leaks, and will uncharacteristically jump us to get us
out of danger.
when humans are in danger by others, and an animal senses it before
we do, these animals will immediately jump on the defensive and snarl
and warn against any potential enemies and try to alert us.
got dogs who will literally jump on intruders and bite them when
they’re trying to attack their human owners. Throwing themselves and
and intimidating animals many times larger than themselves for our
sake. Even cats, the ones people might think aren’t very interested
in their humans, will throw themselves into the fray and claw the
hell out of something that’s a danger to a precious human of theirs.
for an added bonus, imagine if we can get this to apply to bigger,
deadlier animals with similar capacity for pack bonding.
months and months of talking, mimicking, feeding, and caring for a
giant predator the rest of the crew refuses to near, it’s sort of
relaxed to the human. A sense of loyalty that 'yes, this creature
cares for me’. Then, one day, pirates invade the vessel and somehow
the animal gets loose. Cue the crew panicking when it comes ambling
out of its’ holding bay at the time when a pirate is about to bring a
knife or something down on the human. Two seconds later this pirate
is running and screaming for its life when it sees it. The creature
takes a running start, LEAPS over the human (which was closest to it
and already injured) and takes off after it. When that pirate is
either captured or dead, the creature returns to the human, nuzzling
them and making sounds to see if they’re okay.
human is smiling and mimicking the sounds back, or just talking to it to say what a 'good boy’ it is.
aliens of the crew are in shock. The rest of the humans just smile
Thinking about getting a xenomorph for a pet but hesitant because of certain myths perpetuated by Hollywood filmakers? Well as a caretaker for a pet xenomorph I’m here to dispel those myths and set the record straight.
Myth #1: Xenomorphs are aggressive and violent
An old myth that unfortunately has become all too common. In truth aggressive xenomorphs are only violent as a result of abusive or violent owners. When properly raised and cared for xenomorphs can be loyal, kind, adorable, and affectionate pets. While movies give them a bad rap, in reality most xenomorphs just want a hug.
Myth # 2: Xenomorphs have metal dissolving acid for blood
I mean, come on! This is so ridiculous! As a xenomorph owner and a person in the medical profession who works with blood gasses, this one truly baffles me! IF this myth was true, how would a xenomorph maintain blood chemistry balance? What about nutrient and gas exchange? How could a xenomorph’s body tissues and internal organs be unaffected by an acidic compound that melts metal? Sheesh!
Myth #3: Xenomorphs don’t get along well with other pets.
Certainly not true. If raised properly a xenomorph will become a loving part of the family with all other pets. Xenomorphs are especially known for having an affinity for kitties.
Myth 4: Xenomorphs drool everywhere
Unfortunately there is some truth to this myth. Xenomorphs are known for being bad droolers. I mean, look at my xenomorph named Twizzler when I first got him.
However this problem can be mitigated with proper training. Never punish your xenomorph for drooling, rather offer rewards for proper spittle management such as hugs, kisses, and treats. I also suggest having a lot of carpet and upholstry cleaner handy.
I am a Huge Nerd for alien and human interactions that go across tumblr (space Australia and Stabby come to mind) but like for real what about the human concept of luck? Each culture has its own, too, and also superstition so like this human will go nowhere near black cats but others are just like ‘oh kitty kitty kitty’.
Try to explain to someone that doesn’t understand that breaking a mirror is more than just a glass hazard. No it’s not a mystical mirror or a religious thing. It’s just a mirror, you broke it, now you get 7 earth years of bad luck. Is to the day? Who knows. But 7 years dude.
Or like that one person who always has stuff break around them. ‘Why are they banned from the engine room?’ 'Just trust us Nyrak.’
Or what about people who things always go outrageously right for. That person where any number of the things that happen should not even be able to happen, and yet here we are.
That person that has the luck/innate skill to balance anything on their nose.
Lucky numbers. The importance of the zodiac too, while we’re at it. “The stars are not in alignment” 'have you been reading that human newspaper again Marshal?’ “No, Lydia, shut up” ,Are your species sensitive to the stars, humans?, “Nyark you know if I could explain it I would but I honestly cannot”
Good luck explaining Murphy’s Law to aliens who do not have the concept of luck or cosmic mythical interference.
pet peeve: fanart depicting humanized versions of nonhuman characters (animals, monsters, aliens, etc.) where they’re white, youthful, and conventionally attractive, regardless of what canon may suggest