I didn’t want to make a post or say
anything because I don’t think enough people will notice or care. But fuck
that, because I’ve got something to say.
I’m a fanfic writer for Haikyuu,
I’ve been one for over a year; going on two. I’ve written 50 fics for this fandom, and I’ve
been posting one fic or chapter update every week since the beginning of this
I write because I love writing,
because I have a lot of ideas, and because I love the characters. I
post my work because I think other people might enjoy my work, too.
But I’m also sick of it.
I’m sick of spending all my free
time on writing only to get ten notes max on my fics on tumblr. Which, you know - it might just be that people don’t like my work. But it’s not
just me. I’ve participated in events, and if you look at the pages for any
fandom-related project that includes artists and writers, I can assure you that
you’ll always find the same thing: art with over a thousand notes per pic, and
fics with less than twenty.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the art
that people are creating in the fandom, just as much as the next person. I buy
every zine I can get my hands on. I commission artists when I can.
Recently, I commissioned a writer. I
didn’t even know that was a thing until a couple months ago, and even then, I’ve
seen writers offer 1k words or more for as little as 3$. Are you fucking
kidding me. I paid 25$ for 4k and I wish I could have tipped more.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m
done with this.
I’ve been thinking every single day
for the last three weeks that I want to just say I’m
not going to be writing anymore. Because I’ve got no more energy for this. I’ve
got enough other shit going on, and constantly being angry about how writers are
treated is not helping, and it’s not something I can turn off. Every day I’ve
been thinking “you should just go. For your sake. Stop this shit.”
I can’t do that. When I finally reached that point, and made
the decision today that I’d stop, I’m done, I’m out - I immediately felt AWFUL.
I love writing, and I love the friends I’ve made through it. I get really sweet
and supportive comments sometimes. I feel like my work has maybe impacted a
handful of people.
But I hate this. I hate the way the
fandom treats us. I hate getting 1k hits and 2 comments. I hate getting 20
notes, only one of which is a reblog. Who’s going to see my work? No one. I hate it, and I don’t know what to do
I guess that’s all. Expect a new fic
from me next week, as always. Because as much as I hate it, I can’t leave. But
I’m done pretending I’m not angry. Because I am.
Solangelo will always have a special place in my heart, not because they were well developed or because they’re perfect together, but because they were literally the first gay couple I’d ever seen depicted in a ya novel. At that point I didn’t even really know there was queer media so I just read what everyone else read: Harry Potter, pjo, the hunger games trilogy, etc. but hoo and toa were the first time I’d read about a gay boy/relationship in ya fiction and I immediately clung onto it bc holy shit they’re gay!! They’re literally gay right there in front of my eyes in this series that I’ve loved since I was nine!! This series that I adore has someone, a happy couple, like me! It was groundbreaking and even though I barely had any connection to will solace and they’re relationship was sprung out of nothing, I clung onto it like it gave me oxygen, even when everyone shit on it for being rushed and underdeveloped (funny how they’re the main target for that particular criticism when it’s true of literally EVERY ship except percabeth in hoo) and idk I just couldn’t forget about solangelo or ever possibly hate it bc it’s a part of me now. A very very happy and giddy part.
In which Jughead is an asshole because he doesn’t know how to deal with feelings.
For as long as Jughead and I have known each other, he has disliked me. When we first met, I had nothing against him. In fact, I tried to be friendly, but was brushed off with his cold expression and rolling eyes.
“And, this is Jughead!” Betty declared, finishing the introduction of her friends to me, as she showed me around the school. At this point my nerves had been settled by how friendly everyone else had been, and so I smiled widely as I surveyed the boy in front of me. He was sitting back on one of the sofas in the student common room. He looked up and it seemed for a moment as though he was going to return my smile and greet me, but I watched an inner turmoil in his eyes before his small smile dropped and his face became an impassive mask.
“Hey! I’m Y/N.” I said, standing in front of him excitedly. He simply looked me up and down critically and raised his eyebrows.
“Okay.” And with that he went back to his sandwich. I was a little taken aback, but shook it off and sat next to him.
“So, any advice for my first day?” I asked him, crossing my legs. He had taken a laptop out of his bag, and was typing quickly.
“No.” He muttered, not looking at me. I frowned.
“Well, there’s no need to be rude.”
“There’s also no need to be so irritating, but you’re doing that anyway.” He said, and my mouth fell open.
“Jughead!” Betty exclaimed. What the hell was his problem?
“I’m sorry, have I done something to offend you?” I asked, turning to him. He rolled his eyes.
“Well first of all, you have just strolled in here like we invited you, which we didn’t, and you’re already infuriating me, so I don’t suggest you stick around.”
“Dude!” Archie shouted, frowning incredulously at Jughead. “What the hell?” Betty too, was looking at him as if she didn’t recognise him. Jughead just shrugged nonchalantly, looking down. I was outraged. I barely know this guy, and already he’s making judgements about me?
“What is wrong with you?” I asked him, fuming. He sighed exasperatedly, shutting his laptop and standing up.
“I’m out.” He muttered, picking up his bag and walking out of the room. I was left staring in shock at the place he had just been. Betty hurriedly came and sat next to me, looking concerned.
“Y/N I am so sorry about him, he’s never normally like that, I don’t…” She looked at Archie for an explanation of their friend’s behaviour, but he looked just as clueless.
“Well, whatever the reason, what he said wasn’t true.” Betty told me kindly. Archie shook his head quickly.
“Not at all. You should keep hanging out with us.” He said seriously. I hesitated.
“But, what about…” I gestured to the door Jughead had left through.
“Don’t worry about him. He can’t choose who we are friends with, and anyway, he’ll probably come around.”
We spent the next year taking part in dialogical fights and comeback battles. He’d make a snide remark at me, and I’d snap back in agitation. We’d both roll our eyes, he would insult me outright, and I’d pretend it didn’t affect me as I threw a sarcastic remark in his direction.
There were times when, in the heat of the moment, he seemed to forget his hatred of me and we would laugh together. And other times I’d catch him looking at me, his face open and friendly: the Jughead I wish I knew. But then our eyes would meet and as quickly as he had opened he would close up and his face would become deadpan again. Our friends had long given up trying to make peace between us: neither of us were going to back down.
Nothing in our relationship changed for a long time. And when it did, it wasn’t in the way either of us expected.
“Morning Betty, Ronnie, Archie, Kevin.” I said, setting my things down at the table and enjoying the roll of Jughead’s eyes as I purposefully ignored him.
“Hey.” Said Ronnie. “I like your outfit.” My smile of thanks dropped when I heard a scoff from the other end of the table.
“Have something to say, Jones?” I asked him icily. The rest of the table groaned as they knew we would once again begin fighting.
“Oh, nothing, just that it’s funny watching people compliment you out of pity.” “Sorry, Jughead, are you in my head?” Veronica sassed. “Because last time I checked you weren’t.” He shrugged casually.
“Sorry Ronnie, I just can’t take anyone seriously when they say nice things Y/N.” I rose from my seat, infuriated and ready to fight him. Kevin quickly stood up with his food.
“I’m leaving. This is about to get nasty.”
“Me too.” Said Betty, joining him.
“Yeah, sorry guys.” Archie and Veronica agreed, standing up and leaving the table. We were left alone.
“Would you look at that.” Jughead observed with faux amazement. “You drove away all our friends. What a surprise!”
“Actually, I think that was you.” I muttered angrily, looking down at him. He smirked up at me.
“Now, why would it be me, when you’re the one who forced them to be your friends in the first place.” He asked, and I narrowed my eyes at him.
“What did you just say?” He stood up, his sarcastic façade dropping as he glared at me.
“I can’t believe you still don’t get this. When you came to this school, Betty showed you around, and you wormed your way into our friendship group, and now I can’t get rid of you. You aren’t wanted here! The rest of them only hang out with you because they’re too nice to tell you they don’t want to be friends with you. But I’m not, so on behalf of them Y/N, you should just stay away from us.”
There was a long silence as I took in his words. I had always been insecure about whether I was wanted in this friendship group, and Jughead had just voiced my silent fears. We normally threw petty insults at each other and left it at that, but this was different. His words were ringing in my head as we stood across from each other and held eye contact. If I didn’t know better, I would say he looked guilty for what he had just said. His mouth was open in a way that looked like he wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. I shook myself out of my thoughts, looking down. He waited for me to make a snappy, witty comeback, but I didn’t have one. Not this time.
“Bye, Jughead.” I said quietly, picking up my bag and watching his face drop as I walked away.
I spent the next week alone. I knew I couldn’t really trust what Jughead said; he made stuff up all the time just to mess with me, but there was a lingering doubt in my mind that what he said was true, and I couldn’t get rid of it. So, I stayed away from Betty and Veronica and Archie and anyone I had previously called my friends. I knew they were confused. I didn’t miss Betty’s hurt face when I would deliberately turn away from her in the corridor, and I couldn’t ignore Veronica when she slammed my locker shut and asked me fiercely what was wrong. I remember mumbling some excuse about having too much work and hurrying away.
They don’t want you around, I had to keep reminding myself when I turned away from Archie’s smile in my direction, or brushed off Betty’s desperate hand on my arm. She caught up with me after class and blocked the doorway.
“Y/N, what is going on? Is it something to do with Jughead?” She asked me anxiously.
“I’m sorry Bets, I can’t.” I told her quietly, and walked past her, pushing down tears. It had been a week since I had had a proper conversation with any of them, and it was starting to get to me. I pushed my way into an empty classroom to eat my lunch. I was halfway through my food when the door was pushed open and I almost choked to death as Jughead barged his way in and strode towards me. I coughed, putting down my food and standing up.
“What are you doing in here?” I asked aggressively.
“Looking for you.” He said out of breath, looking quite flustered. “Look, will you just come and eat with us? Everyone’s miserable without you.” I scoffed.
“Well, whose fault is that?” I glared at him. He sighed, frowning. There was a silence as I waited for him to say something.
“Look, this is hard for me, but…” He struggled, looking anywhere but me. “I’m sorry, okay?” He looked up at me nervously. What kind of half-assed apology was that? I laughed dryly, and his frown returned.
“What? I just apologised to you, and you’re laughing?” He asked angrily, and I raised my eyebrows at him.
“Oh, that was an apology? Yeah, good one Jughead, why don’t you try again and I’ll see if I can hear it over your ego this time.” He threw his hands in the air.
“You are unbelievable.”
“I’m unbelievable?” I asked incredulously.
“I don’t even know what you’re upset about.”
“You don’t know?”
“Stop being so dramatic!”
“Stop being such an ass!”
“What is wrong with you?”
“You’re what’s wrong with me!” He screamed. We both stopped. We were standing about an inch away from each other, both breathing heavily. His eyes were wild and angry as they stared down at me. The silence and the tension were unbearable, and just as I was about to say something else I was cut off because suddenly his lips were on mine. His hands were on my cheeks and mine were in his hair and we were desperate and angry as he pushed me back against the desk and I pushed the beanie from his head. The kiss was fierce and eager and when we separated I was breathless. He leaned his head forward so his forehead was touching mine and I closed my eyes as his hands moved to my waist. We rested for a moment, and my head was reeling as I caught my breath.
“It’s not true.” He started quietly, and I opened my eyes to see his staring into mine. “None of what I said is true.” I nodded, believing him.
“We want you with us. I want you with me.” I pulled my head away from him to better see his face.
“Then why…” I trailed off but he knew what I meant. He shook his head quickly, his eyes clenched shut in self-disgust.
“I don’t know… I don’t know, Y/N. There was something about you. I guess… I knew I liked you from the beginning, but I didn’t know how to… God, I’m such an idiot.” He looked down, removing his hands from me and drawing them away, but I caught them in my own and pulled his lips back onto mine. This time the kiss was sweet, gentle and unsure. His lips were soft and tentative, as if he was afraid he would hurt me. It was a massive contrast from the passionate, angry Jughead who had kissed like he needed me to live.
“I don’t care. It’s okay.” I told him as I pulled away and he put his hands on my cheeks again. He spoke in a whisper,
“I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”
“You’re going to make up an entire year of insults? Yeah, good luck.” I taunted, and he grinned.
“Well to be fair, you insulted me back pretty harshly. In fact, some of what you said really hurt my feelings.” I laughed.
“Did it? Well then I guess we both have some making up to do.”
As I pulled him in again, I didn’t know what would happen in the future. I knew we couldn’t just suddenly go from hating each other to whatever this was; I couldn’t ignore what had happened. I didn’t even know what I felt for Jughead. All I knew was how good his lips felt against mine, and that I felt something, and that I wasn’t going to let it go.
I am tired, hungry and angry but my beloved OTP is and always will be canon.
And the best thing is that the writters also made the dimensional travels canon so Yami and Yugi still can meet each other through space and time dimensions, all those dimensional fanfics and dojinshis are now canon.