angry and asexual

You know what? Fuck it. I’m sick of sitting passively by, listening to people ask “how do you know if you’ve never tried?” and tell me that no-one cares while you sit there with a shit-eating grin and say “this is a great debate we should do this more often”. A debate? My sexuality is a debate?! Fuck you. Telling me that I bring up great points when I’m giving you facts and you ask stupid fucking questions that I hear all the time is not a debate. It’s a chore.

And how DARE you? How dare you say to me that I need to be fixed, that I can be cured if only I could “find the right somebody”. “How do you know if you’ve never tried?” you ask me as though I haven’t tried. You assume I haven’t?

I destroyed great friendships because I tried to convince myself I had a crush on them. I tore myself apart in so many ways because I tried to tell myself that there was someone out there just for me. My life has been a living hell because I TRIED. Every goddamn fucking day, I’ve tried. And then you ask why I’m angry??

Fuck you. Of course I’m angry!! I’ve been sold this idea of love and romance and sex being the be all and end all of the universe every goddamn day of my life. Every single fucking thing I’ve watched, read, listened to - about him or about her. About how True Love saves the day. How they only live happily ever after when they’re married and riding off into the sunset staring longingly into each other’s eyes. And then I’m forced to endure sex scenes and romances that are so out of place that it jars me out of the narrative so utterly and completely while everyone else applauds and nods and agrees “Yes, they are so in love”. Then they point at a background character who hasn’t even got a goDDAMN FUCKING NAME and tell me “Look! There’s your representation! Be happy!!!” all the while writing fanfiction about that character passionately fucking another character because #OTP #loveislove

FUCK. YOU. Of course I’m going to be absolutely fucking livid! You give me representation and then take it away all in the same breath! I watch as characters who are asexual are cured of their medical condition and suddenly they are not asexual anymore! I watch as characters that have never expressed any interest in romance - who have been around 60, 70, over 100 fucking years!!! - are paired off in heterosexual relationships (as though there aren’t enough of them around). Characters who are made canonically asexual and then a couple of years later, a new writer doesn’t agree with that and rewrites the entire canon so the audience can relate to them more (as though they weren’t a fan favourite already). Characters who are made the butt of jokes, characters who are placed in the same bracket as incest, characters who we are very clearly meant to hate.

And if the canon doesn’t fuck them over, the fandom sure fucking does.

Pages and pages and pages of fanart and fanfiction all dedicated to shipping my representation with other characters, while I’m shoved aside and told “it doesn’t matter. It’s not a big deal, there’s no need to yell”.

No need to yell? And yet you’ll start entire so-called ‘fandom wars’ over Shiro/Keith and Keith/Lance? You’ll yell and get angry and start a riot when gay characters are made straight and I’m not allowed to do the same for asexual characters? How DARE you.

How very fucking dare you?

I am made to endure and put up with all this shit and then - on top of all of that - then you have the audacity to tell us we are not welcome in your safe spaces, that we don’t exist, that we’re seeking attention (because bringing attention to a sexuality is such a bad thing, right?). I have to sit and listen to you as you describe us as aliens - as emotionless, unfeeling robots. You tell us we are as far removed from human as you can get. I have been told that I’m not right, I’m broken, I’ll never be understood and nor should I be. I spent years telling myself those very same things before I even came across the word asexual, piling on depression and anxiety and loneliness. I don’t need someone who doesn’t even take the time to try to understand to tell me that I must have a medical condition or that I was sexually abused as a child or that I just need to “give it a chance”. I don’t need people telling me that “it sucks” that I’m aroace, that I’m “not normal”, or asking me what I’ll do when I’m old and have no-one to look after me. I don’t need it. I don’t.

I’m already told all this in a hundred thousand different ways every day when I walk outside and see a billboard featuring another ‘sex sells’ advert. Every day, when I watch TV and see yet another out of place romance. Every day, when I walk into a shop and a love song is playing over the speakers.

Fuck you.

“How do you know if you’ve never tried?” How do YOU know?

I’ve had people ask me “isn’t it lonely?” They ask me how I’ll ever feel fulfilled if I never experience love and when I point at my friends, they laugh and say “no, I mean romantically” as if the way I love isn’t valid. Why is romance so much more fulfilling than platonic? “It just is,” they’ll reply as though that explains everything. It doesn’t.

They tell me how love is so amazing and great and then in the next sentence moan about their significant other or cry about how heartbroken, how depressed they are because their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them. “I’ll never love anyone ever again, I guess that makes me asexual” they say as they chat up their next partner and I grit my teeth and smile and nod because I’ll never understand so how can I judge?

So fuck you. I’m not going to just sit here and let you tell me that my representation doesn’t matter. Not when it took me 17 years to finally find asexuality. Not when it took others far longer. And definitely not when some go their whole life feeling broken or force themselves to do things they don’t want to just to try to fit in. We exist whether you understand us or not and we need our representation too.

So here's the sitch.

Can straight people fucking realise for two whole seconds that shipping a gay ship does not mean that you are an ally.

You can fucking fuck right off if you sexualise all gay relationships because that is not all a gay relationship is.

You are not an ally if all you do is squeal at gay relationships, or drawings of gay relationships, or fanfictions of gay relationships.

You are not an ally if you don’t support LGBT+ people in real life.

You are not an ally if you ship a gay ship, but are uncomfortable being around or interacting with lesbian/gay/transgender/etc people.

Please never say that gay people are making fun of straight people because straight people have probably never had to deal with being shouted at for holding hands with their partner.

Sincerely,
A Very Angry And Tired Bi-Romantic Asexual.

The first time I had seen asexuality represented on a major television show, it was on House M.D. In the episode, it was revealed that a man’s “asexuality” was caused by a medical problem and that his wife was faking her “asexuality” for his sake as far as I can remember. This promoted two, already prominent, anti asexual attitudes: 1) asexuality is a pathological condition that can and should be treated and 2) asexuals are faking their identity. 

When confronted with a rightfully angry asexual community, the show runners acted as if they did a good job representing asexuality. They were giving us what we wanted, by representing us on screen. They mentioned us. It did not matter that this form of representation happened to discredit our identity and make it that much more difficult for mentally ill and disabled asexuals to have access to and voice within our community. 

So, yes, we are invested in seeing ourselves represented on screen in a way that does not promote harmful attitudes about us. The idea that media is overall friendly to asexual and aromantic people is not grounded in any proof. We have a long way to go before we see asexual and aromantic people in highly visible and well represented positions within our media. There is no shame in asexual people fighting for their representation. 

I was going to write a long rant but honestly all of it can be summarized like this:

stop saying asexual when you mean aromantic stop confusing the two and do some research before you talk about it google is right there it will take you five minutes at most to understand the basic difference

and stop saying ‘well x character is asexual so obviously y pairing can’t happen’ because most of the time you’re using asexuality (and thinking aromanticism) to denigrate a pairing you don’t like and it’s incredibly insulting to have it used like this

neither asexuality or aromanticism should be reduced to being a tool to support your shipping preferences or to attack people who don’t ship the same thing as you

if you prefer a pairing as platonic it’s fine by me but don’t go around misusing words you don’t understand to ‘prove’ it can only be platonic, it won’t make you right, it will just let people know you don’t know what you’re talking about

You’re allowed to call out aphobia.

You’re allowed to be angry.

You’re allowed to be exhausted.

You’re allowed to be fed up.

You’re allowed to stand up against the hatred.

You’re allowed to be outraged.

You’re allowed to walk away.

So, let me get this straight. (haha “straight” lol I love the idioms in this language).

We have asexuals who decide to come out either to their friends, colleagues or just some people in general and they get a response along the lines of: “but have you TRIED having sex/ making out/ being with someone??” and if they answer with “no”, their identity suddenly somehow, beyond my ability of comprehending, loses it’s credibility in the eyes of these people, because they don’t realize, that you don’t need to push yourself to try to feel sexual (or/and romantic) attraction if you’ve already figured out that you don’t in some other way than, let’s say, “experimenting”. But, their identity suddenly isn’t valid in the eyes of the people they came out to, just because of the lack of “sexual” (or/and romantic) experience, which has absolutely no connection to feeling or not feeling this kind of attraction in the first place.

On the other hand we have asexuals like me, who were maybe just slow to realize that we don’t feel something like sexual or/and romantic attraction like others do, or realized that we don’t, but at the time didn’t know there was such a thing as the orientation asexual , and have indeed tried some things we may or not regret/feel repulsed by now. So, one of us comes out and of course, the question posed to us almost immediately is: “but have you TRIED having sex/making out/being with someone??” and in this case the answer is “yes”, and maybe even an elaboration along the lines of “yes, but I didn’t like it” or “yes, but it felt wrong”. And, you know, since people tend to brush aside those asexuals who have figured their orientation out without these experiences, that this time, someone who identifies as asexual and has at least some experience, would finally be valid in their eyes. BUT NO. The next reply we get is: “haha you can’t think you’re asexual just because you didn’t like going out and making out with a guy, he probably just wasn’t good at it!”, and in my case, even if I don’t like going into details about these things, because I am stubborn, I tell them, that if it’s this stupid assumption that makes them think that I’m imagining things, they are still in the wrong, because it wasn’t just one guy, but the feelings and experiences were always the same. And I get dismissed by the same fucking answer: “two or three times sometimes just aren’t enough to know”. 

So here are my questions. Some asexuals get brushed aside because of bullshit like “the lack of experience and therefore verification”. Other asexuals, who have experience, get brushed off because of some other excuse people make up. Is this some kind of paradox?? Is there no way of getting a favourable and understanding answer? Is the lack of sexual/romantic attraction a-spec people  feel really that difficult to comprehend or are people just insensitive?

Claiming that the use of split-attraction terminology (n-romantic q-sexual) is inherently homophobic/biphobic/panphobic because it reduces those orientations to who they want to sex with:

  • actively robs aromantic and asexual spectrum people of the ability to speak about our lived experiences (especially those of us who are sex and/or romance repulsed)
  • actively robs all mixed orientation non-aroace people of the ability to speak about their experiences
  • assigns a negative definition to sexual attraction (ie: everyone you’re sexually attracted to is someone you immediately want to jump into bed with, people who feel sexual attraction are all horny pervs) that those of use who use this terminology don’t intend

in conclusion: piss off.

I want to see less “you don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who’s asexual if you don’t want to” and more “there is nothing wrong word being asexual” and “you don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who’s allosexual”. Asexuals are already scared they are never going to find someone who will stay with them, someone who would want them and you want to make the people who LEAVE them feel better? Of course no one should stay in a relationship that they don’t like, but their partners aren’t the ones who need support. I’m so sick of this, because I see these posts all the time, but I NEVER see any posts directed to the asexuals who are insecure and scared because of this exact thing. People talk about how it makes them feel unwanted, sure do that, but I think we should talk more about how unwanted asexuals already feel.

"Asexuals can't be oppressed."

Lmao listen up, shitlord, I have got a thing to say about this.

So, when it’s real fucking hot outside, say ninety degrees or so, and it’s so humid you feel like someone just dumped a bucket of lukewarm toilet water on you, the weather is known as muggy. Some people have even been known to say that ‘this heat is oppressive!’, because it feels like it’s pressing in on you.

Straight people telling me I’m just confused, or assuring me I haven’t met the right man yet, feels like that. Gay men telling me that I’ve got it so much easier than they did, that I can pass for straight because I 'pretty much am’, feels like that. Lesbians and bi women telling me that I am 'a fake’, or that I 'can’t understand’ how they feel, feels like that.

People who are not asexual telling me, AN ASEXUAL, that I cannot be oppressed, feels oppressive. If I were to tell a gay man that HE could not possibly be oppressed I would immediately be called out, have my 'opinion’ torn down and called disgusting, wrong, foul- all sorts of things that people would also call me. Why is it so inherently wrong to say something like that to someone who is not ace, but absolutely A-Oh-Fucking-Kay to say it to people who are?

tl;dr- I am asexual, the overall behavior towards the ace/aro community by people who are not a part of it is fucking oppressive, anybody that tells me different needs to go and find their own lane to be shitty in

The Angry Post™ that was written because i got angry about riverdales jughead has gained so many notes and reblogs and ive been reading all the tags and im crying??? I didnt know so many other people felt the same way and honestly?? Despite it sucking, im glad im not the only one. Thank you all so much

So like...

Why is it that you can be “too young/too old” to come out as Trans/gay/any LGBT+ identity because “you’re too young to know that kind of thing” Or “if that were true, you would have told us a long time ago” but you’re never too young or old to know that you’re cis and/or straight?

I know Mark Gatiss and Steve Moffat say that Sherlock is not gay nor heterosexual, that he’s just not interested in sex, and that’s the reason he’ll never become a couple with John Watson...

WELL NEWSFLASH FOR YOU, BOYS:


ASEXUAL HOMO/BI/PANROMANTIC PEOPLE EXIST

DEMISEXUAL HOMO/BI/PANROMANTIC PEOPLE EXIST

APOTHISEXUAL HOMO/BI/PANROMANTIC PEOPLE EXIST

AUTOCHORISSEXUAL HOMO/BI/PANROMANTIC PEOPLE EXIST

CUPIOSEXUAL HOMO/BI/PANROMANTIC PEOPLE EXIST

GREYSEXUAL HOMO/BI/PANROMANTIC PEOPLE EXIST


LOVE IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT SEX

SOMETIMES LOVE IS JUST ABOUT LOVE


DO SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE BY THE GAY COMMUNITY AND THE VAST SPECTRUM OF ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL ATTRACTION THAT UNDENIABLY EXISTS AND STOP WITH THE FUCKING HETERO- AND SEXUAL NORMATIVITY.

dont tell asexuals that they need to wait until they ‘find the right person’ 

dont tell asexuals that its human nature to feel attraction towards other people, and that they are wrong

dont tell asexuals that they should try having sex/being in a relationship with someone before deciding what they are

dont tell asexuals that their self identifications are wrong/invalid