You know what? Fuck it. I’m sick of sitting passively by, listening to people ask “how do you know if you’ve never tried?” and tell me that no-one cares while you sit there with a shit-eating grin and say “this is a great debate we should do this more often”. A debate? My sexuality is a debate?! Fuck you. Telling me that I bring up great points when I’m giving you facts and you ask stupid fucking questions that I hear all the time is not a debate. It’s a chore.
And how DARE you? How dare you say to me that I need to be fixed, that I can be cured if only I could “find the right somebody”. “How do you know if you’ve never tried?” you ask me as though I haven’t tried. You assume I haven’t?
I destroyed great friendships because I tried to convince myself I had a crush on them. I tore myself apart in so many ways because I tried to tell myself that there was someone out there just for me. My life has been a living hell because I TRIED. Every goddamn fucking day, I’ve tried. And then you ask why I’m angry??
Fuck you. Of course I’m angry!! I’ve been sold this idea of love and romance and sex being the be all and end all of the universe every goddamn day of my life. Every single fucking thing I’ve watched, read, listened to - about him or about her. About how True Love saves the day. How they only live happily ever after when they’re married and riding off into the sunset staring longingly into each other’s eyes. And then I’m forced to endure sex scenes and romances that are so out of place that it jars me out of the narrative so utterly and completely while everyone else applauds and nods and agrees “Yes, they are so in love”. Then they point at a background character who hasn’t even got a goDDAMN FUCKING NAME and tell me “Look! There’s your representation! Be happy!!!” all the while writing fanfiction about that character passionately fucking another character because #OTP #loveislove
FUCK. YOU. Of course I’m going to be absolutely fucking livid! You give me representation and then take it away all in the same breath! I watch as characters who are asexual are cured of their medical condition and suddenly they are not asexual anymore! I watch as characters that have never expressed any interest in romance - who have been around 60, 70, over 100 fucking years!!! - are paired off in heterosexual relationships (as though there aren’t enough of them around). Characters who are made canonically asexual and then a couple of years later, a new writer doesn’t agree with that and rewrites the entire canon so the audience can relate to them more (as though they weren’t a fan favourite already). Characters who are made the butt of jokes, characters who are placed in the same bracket as incest, characters who we are very clearly meant to hate.
And if the canon doesn’t fuck them over, the fandom sure fucking does.
Pages and pages and pages of fanart and fanfiction all dedicated to shipping my representation with other characters, while I’m shoved aside and told “it doesn’t matter. It’s not a big deal, there’s no need to yell”.
No need to yell? And yet you’ll start entire so-called ‘fandom wars’ over Shiro/Keith and Keith/Lance? You’ll yell and get angry and start a riot when gay characters are made straight and I’m not allowed to do the same for asexual characters? How DARE you.
How very fucking dare you?
I am made to endure and put up with all this shit and then - on top of all of that - then you have the audacity to tell us we are not welcome in your safe spaces, that we don’t exist, that we’re seeking attention (because bringing attention to a sexuality is such a bad thing, right?). I have to sit and listen to you as you describe us as aliens - as emotionless, unfeeling robots. You tell us we are as far removed from human as you can get. I have been told that I’m not right, I’m broken, I’ll never be understood and nor should I be. I spent years telling myself those very same things before I even came across the word asexual, piling on depression and anxiety and loneliness. I don’t need someone who doesn’t even take the time to try to understand to tell me that I must have a medical condition or that I was sexually abused as a child or that I just need to “give it a chance”. I don’t need people telling me that “it sucks” that I’m aroace, that I’m “not normal”, or asking me what I’ll do when I’m old and have no-one to look after me. I don’t need it. I don’t.
I’m already told all this in a hundred thousand different ways every day when I walk outside and see a billboard featuring another ‘sex sells’ advert. Every day, when I watch TV and see yet another out of place romance. Every day, when I walk into a shop and a love song is playing over the speakers.
“How do you know if you’ve never tried?” How do YOU know?
I’ve had people ask me “isn’t it lonely?” They ask me how I’ll ever feel fulfilled if I never experience love and when I point at my friends, they laugh and say “no, I mean romantically” as if the way I love isn’t valid. Why is romance so much more fulfilling than platonic? “It just is,” they’ll reply as though that explains everything. It doesn’t.
They tell me how love is so amazing and great and then in the next sentence moan about their significant other or cry about how heartbroken, how depressed they are because their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them. “I’ll never love anyone ever again, I guess that makes me asexual” they say as they chat up their next partner and I grit my teeth and smile and nod because I’ll never understand so how can I judge?
So fuck you. I’m not going to just sit here and let you tell me that my representation doesn’t matter. Not when it took me 17 years to finally find asexuality. Not when it took others far longer. And definitely not when some go their whole life feeling broken or force themselves to do things they don’t want to just to try to fit in. We exist whether you understand us or not and we need our representation too.