angles selfie

reyes: alright boys when i talk to moira i’m going to need you both standing behind me to the right and left, facing either side and not looking at the camera
genji, an expert with selfie angles: got it
mccree: the fuck you mean ‘camera’? there’s gonna be cameras??
reyes, running a hand over his shaved head: jesse when will you learn that wherever i go there are always cameras

moira: hey
reyes: hey
moira: why are your guys standing behind you like… that

Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

Active ways to cultivate positive body image:

(Because oh my god, it’s so hard, and everyone’s all like stop feeling so bad about yourself and it’s like how???) 

  • Be naked. A lot. Sleep naked. Have sex naked. Eat cereal naked. (Or naked and wrapped in a sheet. Favorite thing.) 
  • Follow beautiful, confident, (un-photoshopped) body-positive babes on the Internet. Unfollow anything that makes you feel insecure. Exposure is key. You’re not going to get it if you don’t seek it out, because the media sucks and wants us to feel like shit about ourselves so they can take our money. (Some hashtags to follow: #effyourbeautystandards #bootyrevolution #blackisbeautiful #transisbeautiful #wheelchairlife #fatkini #fatshion)
  • Lingerie. Next best thing to being naked. 
  • Self care, babe. Different for everyone. (Me? Showers, books, shaving my legs, nature walks, dark lipstick, good playlists, clean rooms, candles, sexy time.) 
  • Get ready in your underwear. Boobs = happiness. 
  • Self portraits. Be pro-selfie. Take a million selfies. Take sexy selfies. Take no makeup selfies. Take bad angle silly selfies. Take artsy tripod selfies. Take everything-is-on-point selfies. You’re gorgeous; document your gorgeousness. You don’t even need to post them. 
  • Stop with the self deprecationnnnn. Pleeeeaseeee. It’s hard to control your thoughts love, I know, but you can control what you say. NEVER insult yourself out loud. Dare I say compliment yourself out loud? (And if you can, do your best to try to body-positive-ify your thoughts too.) 
  • Sex (including solo sexy time), wine, and chocolate. In that order. 
  • Share the body love. Compliment your girlfriends. Cultivate a nonjudgemental, supportive, lift-each-other-up “we’re so cute” friend group. Everyone’s insecure. Compliment your besties. And strangers, too. Be that person that makes everyone feel good about themselves when they’re around. 

Good luck gorgeous. It’s a battle. We gotta unlearn all this societal bullshit.

Glow Up tips

this summer is a great opportunity to glow up on the asses of those who have slept on you. Hope everyone has an amazing come back and that you all get that “ they got hot this summer”


1. drink plenty of water: i know that this is any every “tips post” but it’ll help you maintain a beautiful complexion, fresh breath, help with weight loss, and so so so much more 


2. coconut oil: this is the shit! use it for your hair, your face, your legs ….everything. 


3.exercise: do your squats, eat healthy food. best form of revenge is a super hot body.


4. post so many selfies on social media …. make sure the photos are super dope and look very luxurious and mysterious and fancy and work on getting more followers. i suggest you look through Russian Instagram to find poses and study selfie angles.


5. have a stunning wardrobe: you don’t need lots of money to dress like you’re rich. it’s all about how you combine your clothes together. chose neat, fshionable clothes. velvet is really in this year and so are lace up dresses and t-shirts. Asos has a very wide range of trendy clothes and it’s not too expensive. You also get 10% off if you’re a student. /p>


6.read and watch lots of movies: get educated and informed over the summer. feed your soul with sophistication. read philosophical books or whatever kind you like . watch old movies. 


7. step OUT of your comfort zone: don’t go to bed unless you’ve done something each day that you have never done before. it’ll be a great t boost for your self confidence. i promise!


8.go out, have fun, takes lots of pictures and post them. it doesn’t have to cost much, a simple trip to the beach will do .. just flash that hot hot summer body.


9. be humble, but still, let those bitches know. 


10. meet new people and post selfies with them.


11. get a haircut or change your haircut or whatever as long as you change something, have a makeover.


12. do weekly DIY spa days: you can make your own pedi, amni, body scrub, facial masks with ingredients from your kitchen. 


13.take good good care of yourself and make sure you’re stress free and happy.


14.stay away from people who make you feel like shit.


15. avoid seeing your fake friends and stick to the passive agressive braging snapchat/IG routine.


16.gloooooow from the inside out. 

 17. if you have super dry hair and split ends like me, for the love of whatever you believe in just ditch the hair Iron and hair curler and blow dryer…these are the enemy..I know it’s super hard to do especially if you always style your hair with heat but try to find an alternative and only use heat once a week if you must.


 18. You should probably consult with your doctor(don’t do this if you’re pregnant/breastfeeding/allergic) …I take biotin once a day and honestly my fingernails grow like crazy and they are super strong and long so I don’t put on acrylics…it’s also good for your hair and metabolism.


 19. dry hair ? almond oil and jojoba oil itchy scalp/dandruff ? add a few drops of tea tree oil to your shampoo dull hair ? Mayo . and anything can be solved with coco oil.


 20. tea tree oil is a must for clearing ur acne.


 21. soak your feet in baking soda and water and then use a pumic stone to remove dead skin cells. 


 22. for a deep cleansing mask I mix 1 tablespoon of clay with a few drops of tea tree oil and a tablespoon of cold water. If you have dry skin don’t use tea tree oil and add jojoba oil instead of water.


 23.moisturize your face twice a day after cleaning with grapeseed oil.


 24. for #teamnosleep.. if you have dark circles apply a mask from coffee grinds and almond oil twice a day then rinse witb cold water and moisturize with a good (preferably natural) eye cream.


 25. strech marks ? I’ve got the holy grail. if you have a coffee machine you can reuse the capsules/grinded coffee by emptying it to a container, adding brown sugar and a bit of sesame oil/coconut oil and mix …voila …you have your DIY coffee scrub. leave on for 10 minutes in the shower and use everyday and you will notice your skin begining to repair itself.


26. Your fake friends are treating you like crap and are forgetting your worth?

you are a goddess, you do not deserve to be slept on or even minorly disrespected. Don’t you ever forget that. You should not feel like shit when you are champagne in a crystal glass and they are lukewarm piss in a plastic cup.

do not send them messages wondering why they have changed or start a fight or even send them an angry text, they’ll think they have a worth and actually mean something to you. instead, you ignore them so hard they will even begin doubting their own existence and yet keep posting pics of yourself having fun ( or pretending to have fun) abd be all bougie and uninterested.


 send me your glow up pics dolls and send me more tips🖤🖤

speedpainted sketch from back in september that i totally forgot to upload until now whoops

based on this song. it’s not the kind of thing i’d normally listen to (it makes me feel too sad tbh. not that i don’t like sad songs, but idk it’s a different kind of sad) BUT when i heard it it gave me super pegoryu vibes so i just had to put it on repeat and draw this