a/n: lucie, my love!!! happy birthday!!! i’d want to know you if you reached peak gay or became buffy summers dog or could only eat car tires. i love you badly. id probably give up weetbix for you. have the best day in the world.
Godric’s Post 8th February 2009
Film: The Wind In the Whomping Willows Director: Bathilda Bagshot Plot Summary: 4 friends go for a picnic. Boredom ensues.
I’ve never liked Bathilda Bagshot, and yes this may have been because of an incident at one of my parents’ house parties where she literally hissed at me when I reached for another baked potato, but the point still stands. She continues rely on prolonged dialogue scenes that don’t move the plot along and stretch to the point of absurdity, until the viewer is begging for a change in scene, shot, anything, only to presented with (unbelievably) yet more boredom.
So put aside whatever resentment you’re harbouring that I just name dropped Bathilda Bagshot and that she used to come to my house, and wallow in how wasted my Friday night was watching this garbage. My personal highlight was the closing credits, because it meant I could at last be free from this endless hell of four people sitting in a wood, talking about sandwiches and grass for two hours straight.
Naturally I imagine some people enjoyed the film, (Bagshot does know her way around a camera, I’ll give her that, the cinematography was flawless.) however dear, cherished, hopefully-subscribed-and-not-reading-this-on-the-free-trial-reader, I must ask: who doesn’t like a little during movie commentary? Before Friday I would have said no one, but after Friday I would have to say no one, with the exception of uptight, haughty gingers.
Rather like Penelope Clearwater’s unfortunate character in The Wind in the Whomping Boredom, I too found myself being falsely accused of a crime I did not commit. In Clearwater’s case (she shines in the film, despite Bagshot’s insistence she be holding a mirror in every scene) it was of stealing the picnic sandwiches. Mine was the slightly more serious charge of ‘injuring’ a fellow reviewer.
I want it stated for the record that no such injury occurred, and that as far as I am aware popcorn is rarely classified as an assault weapon, but I am willing to hear argument on the matter. However I could be wrong because the reviewer in question seemed to genuinely enjoy the Wind In the Whomping Waste of Time, so maybe it wasn’t her eye that should be examined, but her brain.
In summary: this film has done the impossible and been even more tedious than Bagshot’s last effort, A History of the Snake Inside Me, which I didn’t think possible. My nine-year-old criticisms rarely stand up to scrutiny but I think my judgement of Ms Bagshot being The Worst has proven correct. Furthermore, I want it noted for no particular reason at all that if at any point I am contacted by a lawyer about paying medical bills for a non-existent injury, I will do something else ‘ridiculous’ and ‘childlike’ like toilet papering a Certain Reviwers house or broadcasting my witty and hilarious movie commentary over a loudspeaker during each and every film I will ever attend from this point on.
(the editor Remus J. Lupin wishes to clarify for legal reasons that comments above are aimed at no particular individual, all wishes views presented are the writer and the writers views alone, and to please not sue the paper)
Godric’s Post 3rd March 2009
Film: 101 Fantastic Beasts Director: Newt Scamander Plot Summary: CGI animals have a good time. Audience have a good time.
Scamander has always had a talent for animation, even his questionable films like Beasts Which Are Fantastic If Only We Knew Where To Find Them (nonsensical, long-winded title) and The Porpentina Goldstein Story (thought it was going to be about hedgehogs. It was not.) should be seen purely for their onscreen beauty alone.
Thankfully, 101 Fantastic Beats wasn’t a repeat of the Hedgehog Incident but rather exactly what it says on the tin, 101 Fantastic Beasts romping around the city and having a jolly good time, until one of them dies and the entire world becomes a bleak hell-scape that you are desperate to escape because you can’t stop crying.
Unfortunately my screening experience of this charming film was somewhat hindered by the near constant stream of insults and accusations of ‘eye assault’ from a Certain Reviewer which culminated in said reviewer tipping popcorn that Was Not Hers across The Innocent Victims Lap.
The reviewers in question needn’t have ever spoken again but because a Certain Reviewer had slandered another Wholly Blameless Reviewer in her paper, which the Wholly Blameless Reviewer’s Mother reads, some things had to be sorted out. And those things were trying to get the Certain Reviewer to print a retraction so the Wholly Blameless Reviewers Mother would stop bloody going on about it.
On top of this Wholly Blameless was mocked mercilessly for showing emotion during what ranks as one of the most heart-breaking scenes of all time, next to such movie moments as the ending of Dead Poets Society and the shooting of Bambi’s mother in Bambi. Obviously a Certain Reviewer needs to borrow a heart so she doesn’t have to poke fun at others for having what she does not: feelings. Wholly Blameless would be happy to lend her some of his, as he’s just good like that and not at all the ‘slice of expired a*shole’ he’d previously been accused of being.
101 Beasts has heart (unlike Certain Reviewer’s) and is appropriate for the whole family excluding twelve year olds, because obviously they’re terrible and you’d never want to take them anywhere anyway, so it’s a win-win.
(The editor wishes to clarify that the writers list of saddest movie moments is flawed because it has left off the Jack death scene from Titanic because the writer thinks ‘Cameron clearly emotionally manipulated the audience’ and ‘there was plenty of room for both of them on that door’ because the writer is an imbecile. The editor cannot believe he is the film critic.)
Godric’s Post 11th April 2009
Film: The Cupboard Under The Stairs Director: Gilderoy Lockhart Summary: You really don’t want to know.
Gilderoy Lockhart has won two Oscars, and yet every time I watch one of his films I have to forcefully remind myself that it wasn’t shot by a nine-year old with a camcorder who uses their dog as a sound assistant. The dullness of the film will stun and bewilder all who see it, as it defies reason why such a thing should be made.
True Hairy Chins Shouldn’t Be Seen By The Public was wildly funny (despite meaning to be a serious documentary), but aside from that I can’t think of a Lockhart film I’ve ever enjoyed aside from classics like Gadding With Ghouls and Travels With Trolls which hardly look like Lockhart films at all, despite him having directed them.
Cupboard Under The Stairs is so mind-blowing ridiculous, from the wooden dialogue to the extended shots of director and star Lockhart doing mind-numbingly boring tasks while smiling garishly, that when I found myself sitting next to a Certain Reviewer I didn’t even bother to move but rather stayed if only to have something to do. A slight physical fight broke out, and by fight I mean a Certain Reviewer hit me for a comment I made about the twenty second long director credit, so obviously I pinched her, and then before I knew what was happening we had been thrown out.
I don’t want you to think, dear reader who has clicked on this review and therefore pays my rent, that I might have acted unprofessionally by getting thrown out a movie twenty minutes in. I want to clarify: I absolutely acted unprofessionally. There is no ‘might’ about it. But my point still stands: the film was garbage, and that fact that I could tell this from only the first twenty minutes is further evidence of its garbagery.
Now I know at this point you’re all clambering to hear more about the two hours I spent alone with a Certain Reviewer, as for some bizarre reason, you’re all incredibly interested in our relationship built off pure loathing and irritation. Well, prepare yourselves readers, because a Certain Reviewer’s favorite filmmaker is not only Wes Anderson (!! There should be a limit to the amount of pastel on a screen at one point). But she also hasn’t read the best novel of all time, The Great Gatsby, and then told me that that ‘wasn’t that weird’ and asked me to ‘close my mouth’ because ‘its been two minutes’ and its ‘getting weird’.
However she did earn points back by liking Star Wars (if she hadn’t, I may have committed a crime worse than Cupboard Under the Stairs’ acting) and she also noted that Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo + Juliet was her sexual awakening, and I to felt a deep attraction to DiCaprio and still do despite his insistence on growing a beard every few years. She laughed at this, but I think it was a laugh of agreement, so therefore it wasn’t bad.
Cupboard Under the Stairs was one of the worst atrocities committed to film, but a Certain Reviewer agreed that Han shooting first was an important part of his character, so all is not wrong with the world.
Text from James Potter to Sirius Black: do u think i look like leonardo dicaprio
Sirius Black: no
Sirius Black: is this bc evans said she liked him
James Potter: absolutely not
Text from James Potter to Remus Lupin: do i look like leo dicaprio
Remus Lupin: firstly, dont call him leo
Remus Lupin: and secondly, obvsly not
Remus Lupin: no two people have ever looked more different
James Potter: fuck u
Text from James Potter to Peter Pettigrew: do i look like leo dicaprio
Peter Pettigrew: no u look like u have a thing for evans
Peter Pettigrew: sirius told me to say that
Peter Pettigrew: whos evans
James Potter: do u not even read my fuckin column pete
Peter Pettigrew: it costs four pounds a week to subscribe to ur shitty paper i don’t have that kind of money
Godric’s Post 3rd May 2009
RED CARPET WATCH
The Godric’s own Sirius Black, gossip columnist extraordinaire, was sent to the Red Carpet premiere of A Streetcar Named the Knightbus and reported back to us on all the hot gossip and glamour of the night.
In what may have been my favorite red-carpet to date, not in the least because Rita Skeeter was thrown out for badgering guests only ten minutes in, but because the greatest thing in the world happened. It was so great in fact, that I managed to look past the colossal injustice of me not being invited to walk the carpet myself, which was clearly a mistake (the editor Remus J Lupin would like to clarify it was not) and have a roaring good night.
May I just clarify that by roaring good night I mean I got absolutely plastered (The editor wishes to state that The Godric does not promote drinking) so the night comes back to me in bits, and from what I can remember everyone looked great. I can’t remember what the film was about, or even if they let me in (editor: they did not.) but even if it wasn’t I’m sure the film was good too. (editor: it was average)
But as I mentioned above, the best thing in the world happened, and that was that The Godric’s very own film critic James Potter got to walk the red carpet. He will tell you this is because his insightful and poignant columns are finally getting the attention they deserve. Any sane person would then loudly talk over him and say the real reason is because he’s become rapidly more popular with the introduction of a Miss Lily Evans, also a film critic, into his weekly reviews. Or, as James calls her, A Certain Reviewer. (editor: for legal reasons the editor must assert that A Certain Reviewer could be any individual and to please not sue the paper for defamation.)
Turns out Miss Evans had a popularity boost as well, because she was also on the red carpet, looking ravishing in a backless teal ballgown, and honestly, readers, it was a sight to see Evans in that dress. Potter obviously thought so to, as he spent the entire night staring. And not subtle staring. Obvious, in-awe, I-can’t-believe-a-person-can-look this-good, staring.
Now, once I’d gotten over the fact that not once in our ten-year friendship had James ever given me that look, I was absolutely thrilled. I had a thirty pound bet going that they’d be together by May and I’d just won, if that look was any indication. (the editor: it was twenty pounds.)
Furthermore, Evans and Potter spent the entire night talking, not even noticing how the cameras had utterly latched on to them despite having no idea who they were, purely based on the looks they were giving each other. It was a sight to behold, seeing two utterly oblivious people in formalwear hold a conversation probably about the merits of dressing gowns (they talk about weird stuff like that) while what felt like the entire world took photos.
Now I’m aware I’m meant to be discussing the gossip and glamour from the whole night and not just two D-list celebrities who happen to both be my friends. But consider this: I do not care. These photos are modern art. Both so clearly have a crush on each other it’s embarrassing. Even Moony would have to agree (the editor: I do.). Anyway, in summary of the night: I bet everyone reading this that they’ll be screwing in a month. Mark my words.
[image: a man in a suit and a woman in a dress, against a while backdrop with A Street Car Named the Knightbus film logo printed across it. Her head is turned towards him, laughing, holding a delicate purse. He is looking at her, mouth parted, like she is the first girl he has ever seen. Something to be looked at just to make sure she didn’t disappear, blown by the wind, like in a dream. A dream girl- except not. A real girl, in a real dress, in a real place. He can’t quite believe it. A hundred camera flashes go in the background.]
Text from Sirius Black to James Potter: so whens the wedding
James Potter: i fuckin hate u
Sirius Black renamed the group james’ got the hots for evans
James Potter: this is cyber bullying
James Potter: im calling netsafe
Remus Lupin renamed the group netsafe cant help the fact that ur in love with evans
James Potter renamed the group stop now
Sirius Black renamed the group not a chance mate
Sirius Black created the Facebook Page Lily Evans and James Potter should get it on
This page received 17,798 likes.
Text from Lily Evans to Sirius Black: im going to fucking maim u. take it down.
Sirius Black: sent a link
Lily Evans: if that’s a link to the fucking page i will cut your balls off
Sirius Black: its not
Sirius Black: on an unrelated note do not click on that link it is a virus I just remembered
Remus Lupin created the Facebook Page Lily Evans and James Potter should get it on part two because lily made us delete the last one
“I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk,” Jace said. “When I got back, I bumped into this sad
bastard mooning around the porch.” He pointed at Alec.
City of Glass:
ever think that in a past life Alec was an old woman with ninety cats who was always
yelling at the neighborhood kids to get of her lawn? Because I do,” Jace said.
City of Fallen Angels:
sending me annoying photos. Lots of captions like Wish you were here, except not
City of Heavenly Fire:
“It’s Magnus birthday,” Alec said, flipping the phone shut. “I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t—to think that I forgot.” “You’re pining,” said Jace. Alec shrugged. “Look who’s talking. ‘Oh, I love her. Oh, she’s my sister. Oh why, why, why—’ ”
“Are you still mad because I broke your phone?” Jace said. “Because you broke my wrist, so I’d say we’re even.” “It was sprained,” Alec said. “Not broken. Sprained.”
“Jace could get himself killed putting his pants on in the morning. Being his parabatai is a full-time job.”
“The first time you saw me,” Jace said, looking down at his hands, looped around his knees, “I bet you didn’t think, He’s going to get me killed.” “The first time I saw you, I wished you’d go back to Idris.” Jace looked over at Alec incredulously; Alec shrugged. “You know I don’t like change.” “I grew on you, though,” Jace stated confidently. “Eventually,” Alec agreed. “Like moss, or a skin disease.”
“I did not make a pie,” Alec repeated, gesturing expressively with one hand, “for three reasons. One, because I do not have any pie ingredients. Two, because I don’t actually know how to make a pie.” He paused, clearly waiting. Removing his sword and leaning it against the cave wall, Jace said warily, “And three?” “Because I am not your bitch,” Alec said, clearly pleased with himself.
there was someone on TvTropes who suggested that Cordelia may have been
a Potential Slayer, and it actually makes a lot of sense when you think
about it. From the beginning, she was always kind of a magnet for weird
things—even more so than the average Sunnydale resident, I mean. She
made a connection with Buffy right away, and even after Buffy started
hanging out with the “losers” and Cordelia wrote her off as a freak, she
still kept finding herself inexplicably drawn to the Scoobies, to the
point where she eventually gave up her popularity in favor of fighting
the good fight, without ever fully understanding why she was compelled
to do so. And since Cordy was in a coma when Willow cast the spell to
turn all the Potentials into Slayers, it had no effect on her.
My theory builds off of that, and of course it has to do with Wesley. I
have this notion that Watchers are mystically drawn to the Slayers
they’re meant to guide (one could easily make a case for that just by
looking at Buffy and Giles’ relationship). So when Cordelia walked into
the library in “Consequences,” she and Wesley immediately felt this
energy drawing them to each other. Since nobody knew Cordy was a
Potential, she and Wesley both just assumed that the chemistry they felt
was romantic. One extremely awkward kiss later, they realized they were
better as friends and parted ways amiably. But less than a year later,
they were drawn back together in a completely different city, and this
was when their relationship began to develop into what it was meant to
be. They were always very in sync with and attuned to each other,
especially in the second and early third seasons. The only time they
weren’t was when Cordelia was possessed by Jasmine in season 4.
Finally, right near the end of “You’re Welcome,” as Wesley is getting on
the elevator, Cordelia calls out to him and says “You still work the
best mojo in town.” She obviously couldn’t say goodbye to everyone without raising their suspicions, and she needed to spend her last few corporeal moments with Angel, so I love that out of everyone else, she
singled out Wesley to say one last thing to. Because while Angel may have been Cordelia’s champion, Wesley was her best friend. But I digress, slightly. Anyway, last time I watched it, I
focused on Wesley’s response—he doesn’t say anything, but pay attention
to the look on his face…he knows. Somehow he knows that this is the
last time he’ll ever see her. I think it’s because he’s still very
attuned to her, even after everything. If Cordelia hadn’t ended up in a
coma—if she’d been alive, awake, and fully herself when Willow did the
spell—her Slayer powers would have been activated, and Wesley would
have (unofficially since those sods on the Council don’t like him
anymore) become her Watcher.
alec and clary are like the dynamic duo of the squad so they’re always together, e.g.
he’s always giving her piggyback rides when he’s bored and she’s tired (with the occasional “yo alec, don’t steal my girl!” from jace)
they both draw and like photography and music and all that artistic shit so whenever they’re free they go out shopping for art supplies and cameras and clary makes them take selfies everywhere
whenever someone harasses clary at the mall or something alec has no fear of beating them up
screaming over spiders together (“get behind me!” “it’s so big!” “i know! jace! magnus!”)
going out christmas shopping together (he always helps her and izzy carry the bags; he’s always mistaken for the “taken-advantage-of” boyfriend)
alec helping clary put her polaroids and posters and artwork on the wall bc she’s too short
alec ruffling clary’s hair and she tries to do it but can’t because yet again, she’s too short.
they talk. a lot. like, alec doesn’t really speak much but when he’s around clary they’re like the best of friends. they also spar together but they always get distracted and start gossiping after someone walks in the training room with bad hair.
and everyone’s just like wtf bc they used to despise each other
(*echoes softly* *background music starts playing*) started from the bottom now we here
LEGO Ninjago – Kai (Lloyd)
[ “not every guardian angel has wings but each angel would be able to sacrifice his life for those who have been chosen by light„ ] #quote #Brotherhood
My edit. Hope you’ll like it
( credit if you repost )