andrew cookston

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The Amazing Unknown (A Love Story)

For all those curious people about the long distant relationship and move to Minnesota, go ahead and take the time to watch this short film The Girlfriend and I made. We took the time to recap over our relationship and wanted to share our story with you.

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Go listen at andrewcookston.bandcamp.com

I guess I'll post this here instead.... For future people that ask of course.

Around when I was twelve-ish, I began to notice my fascination for girls (in general) that I would encounter, whether they were friends or girls I saw just on the street or whatever. Rightly so, I felt quite strange about it, because for one, I was never given the whole, ‘guys liking girls’ monologue or whatever it’s called, and two, I had an unexplainable reason at the time as to having this incredible fixation on women from the ages of 15 to 25ish… keep in mind that I was homeschooled the first 11 years of my schooling life, so I wasn’t exposed to other kids my age going through the same predicament. I wasn’t quite sure what was right or wrong in that respect about liking girls. I was seeing girls in a whole new light.

Now see that sounds pretty normal right? Sure. But there was something else. Like a little nagging voice in the back of my head saying that that wasn’t quite enough. I lived near a well-populated park where everyone from a fifteen block radius would come to now and again. I would walk in this park a few times a week with my dog, and being my awkward twelve year old self, I would oogle at all of the girls; more than specifically, the ones that would be jogging or biking. Now as most men would probably say, it’s quite enjoyable to watch women jogging… (insert awkward notion about bouncy lady parts).

But because ‘everyone’ came to this park there would be bigger girls there as well; including all the ages from my desirable demographic. And it was a mental thing really. I didn’t watch TV or really expose myself to real life ideals of women to begin with, so I only found myself more interested in them because, I believe it was this atmosphere that I found myself to be in. To be quite honest, I’m surprised I’m not gay with all the shirtless men I’d see on a daily biases….
And I’m sure the next question that will come down the tube will be, “Do your parents know you like ‘big girls’?”

Yeah they do…. Now see, being homeschooled and having access to a computer 24 hours a day for about a year or so of becoming curious with larger females I decided to use the internet and google. I discovered one of my first sole uses for searching and using the web.

Now, before I get any further with that, something else to note was that around this time I also met a girl from a homeschool gym program, whom I later soon dated, on and off for about three years. She had chub, but I was scared out of my mind to ask her if I could touch her belly at all. She then later moved out of state, and became a long distant relationship, more on that later.

But because I was a pansy and thirteen and didn’t want to fondle with my girlfriend from homeschool church-y gym class, so I turned to the internet and searched ‘fat girls.’ Yeah I stumbled onto porn and awkward things like that, as well as videos and forums about the subject. I enjoyed videos the best just because I liked, in the most innocent sense of the word, looking at them. The way their body’s rolled and bubbled out in different places to each girl was just fascinating to me. The way they jiggled when they walked, the way that a majority of them were happy and content with themselves; something I really envied at the time. If you know me, I have shitty depressing parents that don’t realize that they put me through living hell all the time. …Long story for another time. Anyway….

Being not very sleuth-y with my searching and internet history, my Mom wondered why I wasn’t always getting my studies done on time. She found out first and promised not to tell Dad if I got my school done on time. But I didn’t of course, but she never told him. He found out later, and grounded me for a month or so and told me how bad it was to like big girls and all this other bullshit, and being only 13ish at the time, I took it WAY too seriously, and tried pretty hard to not find them attractive. I was like that for quite a long time. Every time I saw a cute fat girl, I’d do the typical, “pinch myself” type thing. Of course it never did phase me in the long term.

But anyway, soon this fascination started to get out of hand. I began to get up late at night and go watch videos and I would wear like six pairs of pants or something to feel like a big girl, draw pictures of fat girls and a few other things (Shut up. I was a thirteen year old idiot.) And of course, I made a stupid move one day of doing that during a Saturday afternoon that I had nothing to do, and while in the middle of being weird, my Dad had me go to the store with him, and he noticed that I looked bigger and got incredible pissed because I was wearing so many pairs of pants, screaming at me all the way home, he walked in and told Mom, Mom told him the internet story, he checked and turned out I gave my computer at least thirty viruses or so without my knowing. We went to Best Buy and he made me buy an anti-virus program and gave me ‘the guy-girl talk’ on the way there and back. …About time…. Things in my life went from shit to worse as now almost fourteen, I met another girl from my church (I don’t attend anymore) that I was made to go to. She was a cute 14 year old, 215lb girl and I left my other girl for this misguided middle schooled, want to be high schooler. She was very sexually wanting, yadda yadda, first time making out and all that jazz. I was brave enough to tell her that I liked big girls, and about a week after I told her, she dumped me on the account ‘Oh, you weren’t a very good… kisser.

So I was crushed and felt bad and all that because I thought it was because of me telling her how I had felt. But it turns out that she got bored with me and my innocent mind. For the next year I tried to avoid the subject of girls. Our family moved from the house by the park, and life started to turn normal again. I went through some Zen, hippy stuff, and a lot of self-evaluation being inspired by highly intelligent indie films to be a better person, because my parents are just bad parents and didn’t teach me anything. I learned a lot of things from film surprisingly. I don’t really believe that I’ve learned anything from my parents in life anyway other than the essentials you know. So I got away from the porn thing, went and hiked a few mountains and dabbled here and there with the internet on a rare occurrence.

My late Sophomore/early Junior year of high school, I joined tumblr and discovered that there were a multitude of amazing people that weren’t creeps, that liked bigger girls. I felt normal for once in my life. I met a girl on here that I used to date, whom is chubby yes, but not only that, but said it was okay that I liked this type of body and almost encouraged me to not be such a pansy about liking girls in general; just as much as I encouraged her to feel sexy in her own skin you know. Within those past few months I made friends in the community that has become set up around Fat Admirers. I have seen bullying and bashing at these friends that I care about, and more and more every day, I’ve felt the need, more than ever to stand up for them, as well as myself. To not care anymore about what other people think of me. I want fat beautiful women to know that they are just as sexy as the rest of the girls in the world. I have no regrets anymore. I’ve gotten to a safe point in my life where I feel like I can finally say what I want, and enjoy what I enjoy without social pressures (or at least here on tumblr).

Basically I’ve liked them since forever, and I’m not ashamed of that. Still working on my confidence outside of the internet though. :P

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I can’t help but feel that none of you actually watched this….