Fate/Grand Order NA edition: A Recap
A quick recap of some of the events that happened so far in the misadventures of Mash and Guda:
- A teenager (we shall call them Guda) answers an ad in the papers, ends up in a military base called Chaldea hidden in the Himalayas.
- A bomb toasts everybody inside the base.
- Mash and Guda time travel back to the edgiest version of Fate/Stay Night where Saber Alter rules with an iron fist.
- Mash, a cute Chaldea clerk, fuses with the ghost of some guy, gets a massive shield to bludgeon people with.
- Cu Chulainn beats people up with the Wicker Man; Thankfully leaves out the bees.
- Their boss turns out to be a bad guy and throws their other, dead boss’ ghost into a black hole, making her super dead-er.
- The only staff surviving at Chaldea is the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci and the absentminded doctor she’s fucking.
- Gilles de Raiss, unhappy with the canon ending, makes an edgy Jeanne D’Arc OC to fix it.
- The real Jeanne is summoned without her Ruler powers, joins Mash and Guda on their merry stroll through France.
- Some countries have roaches, others have rats. France has dragons.
- It also has vampires.
- Marie Antoinette pulls a drive-by shootout with the vampires to rescue Jeanne D’Arc and company.
- They escape because Mozart makes the vampires vomit and/or poop themselves with a piano attached to the back of Marie’s carriage.
- They bond. Marie learns what a homie is. Marie and Jeanne are super gay.
- Kiyohime and Liz are first introduced. FGO is never the same.
- They rescue the German hero
SumanaiSiegfried from a castle. He’s pretty beat up.
- They need saints to heal him for some reason. Good thing St. George spawns… on the other side of the map.
- Do you really wanna hurt us this way George? Really? Take anyone else instead. Take this Mephistopheles, he’s just hanging around in my archive!
- Big Bad Battle with Cheese and Dragons. Assassins recommended.
- Jeanne vs Jeanne. The edgy OC is no match for the original of course.
- Gilles is kicked back into the depths of FF.net where he belongs
- U M U
- All of Nero’s forebears in the Roman empire form an alliance against her called Every Villain Is Lemons, also known as EVIL
- Nero brings the company to Britain from Italy. On foot.
- Mash suffocates under the overwhelming force that is Boudica’s boobs.
- Nero chops down the ghosts of Roman emperors past one by one. No biggie.
- Mash and Guda find their bad boss in the capital and oh shit he’s a demon from hell.
- RIP AND TEAR
- The demon summons Atilla the Hun. He is later of two minds about this choice.
- Nero punches Atilla in the face. Civilization will never die!
THE MOON FESTIVAL
- Someone steals all the dumplings. Now Chaldea’s gonna starve.
- Some booby archer pesters Mash and Guda about helping them recover the food.
- Marie doesn’t remember her own homies.
- Never mind she totally does.
- Saint George is into photography.
- Martha is into dumplings, bondage, and breaking faces. Tsk tsk, Saint Martha.
- Martha makes her escape by jumping on to her dragon Tarrasque, who begins to fly by spinning around rapidly until it zooms away like a UFO. She probably puked at some point.
- Altera, Atilla The Hun, the great destroyer herself, explains the differences of good and bad civilization.
- Surprise surprise, Booby Archer is a bad guy- holy shit this is the goddess of the hunt?
- Please don’t spook my guaranteed SSR gacha Artemis, I beg you. I’ll do anything you want just don’t come home.
- Sir Francis Drake, Pirate Queen.
- Blackbeard. Weeb.
- And lo, Captain Drake did shot the god Poseidon in the face, declaring with a mighty shout “Let there be booze!”, and the crew were drunk with infinite booze, and it was good.
- Blackbeard wins the award for cringiest villain.
- Drake and her motley crew recruit
Medusa’s bitchy sisterEuryale and her hot monster boyfriend, Asterios The Minotaur.
- OH NO ORION AND ARTEMIS ARE BACK SOMEONE CALL THE COPS
- The Golden Hind VS The Queen Anne’s Revenge, battle of two legendary pirate ships, FIGHT
- Artemis and Orion board the Queen Anne’s Revenge during the fight in an admittedly cool action scene. Orion blows a hole into the ship.
- Blackbeard is a tough bastard, but Drake literally killed the god of the seas for some booze so
- Hektor, hero of Troy, won’t shut up about being an old man. Also he betrays Blackbeard.
- Blackbeard to Drake: “Secretly, I admired you…r boobs.” *dies*
- Drake trades upwards, gets the Argonauts as her new nemesis
- Jason is just as much of a shitter in Fate as he is in mythology. Who would have guessed?!
- Wait wasn’t one of the most famous members of the Argonauts the great hero Hera-OH GOD HE’S HERE WE HAVE TO RUN
- Asterios vs Heracles summed up:
- Guda: Well now that we lost our muscle we need reinforcements.
Atalanta and David: Hi
- Atalanta meets her God. She now believes in atheism.
- David: Yeah I actually have the most dangerous thing on Earth with me as a second noble phantasm.
Everyone else: It’s a box.
David: I know. It’s got nerves of steel.
- Who would win? A nigh-immortal demigod, son of Zeus and the strongest hero there is, or some box?
- “Hey Jason, eat a dick.” - Medea Lily
- Eating a dick turns you into a vessel for yet another Demon God. As Jason painfully finds out.
- RIP AND TEAR 2.0
- David: Yeah all of this time-stream dicking is my idiot son’s fault. It would be just like him, for he was an idiot.
- Goodbye, Captain Drake. T’was an honor to be one of yer hearty crew.
- An invitation? To a party? But all of history was dicked. Where are you supposed to hold a par-is that a castle?
- Mash: hOLY SHIT I GET TO PUNCH GHOSTS
Guda: Mash calm dow-
Mash: WHEN THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE
- Kiyohime casually defies the laws of space and time (again).
- Mata Hari: *Starts stripdancing*
- Carmilla uses her noble phantasm to clean a spot. I-I’m not even exaggerating this is actually a thing that happens.
- Vlad is the supportive uncle who knits for his fellows.
- Tamamo Cat; nothing she says ever makes any sense.
- Elizabeth Bathory: Surprise! All of this was to prepare you for a special private concert from an up and coming pop idol star!
- Everyone: Liz you are a bad
Me, tears falling onto my phone: Liz you are a good
- Liz: Y-you d-didn’t like m-m-my concert?
Everyone: Boo you suck!
Me: I LOVED IT BABY YOU’RE GONNA BE A BIG STAR ONE DAY
- GODDAMNIT VLAD STOP BEING STUBBORN AND DROP THE GODDAMN CE.
- Split psyche story
- What you expected: Angry Nobu, sad Nobu, kinda freaky happy Nobu
- What you got:
- Rabbit season? Duck season? No. It’s Nobbu season.
- A whole string of really funny jokes if you’re a fan of Oda Nobunaga’s place in Japan’s history.
- Even more funny jokes that don’t require knowledge of the Sengoku Period
- Arash chases after the crew while on fire and screaming “STELLAAA!!”, blows up over Ushiwakamaru’s army
- Mash and friends somehow run all the way into the desert.
- I give up. There is no way to exaggerate anything that happens in this event.
- It is just bonkers.
- Oda Nobunaga and Okita Souji for best couple
THE SCATHACH TRIAL
- DW: Boy we sure hope you’re not tired of the Fuyuki map!
- Stupid, sexy Scathach: Greetings.
Mash: Senpai, for once can you not be a perv-
Stupid, sexy Scathach: *flips her hair*
Mash: Holy fuck I’m so gay right now.
- Scathach casually kills ten thousand ghosts.
- Scathach casually teaches her new students while crushing a skull with one hand and flexing with the other.
- Scathach also gives the nicest headpats.
Brock from PokemonFergus joins the party.
- Mash: And then, Cu Chulainn saved us in his sexy druid outfit.
Scathach and Fergus: Druid outfit? AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- Fergus: God I’m just super horny right now.
Scathach: I’m pretty DTF myself but only the finest warriors can get some of this.
Fergus: Well do I qualif-
- Altera: Hi
Fergus: *Dies from nosebleed*
- For the final part of the trial, Scathach summons another warrior to replace Fergus.
- Diarmuid knows its fanservice day. He doesn’t even bother to put on a shirt.
- Artemis: I’m baaaacckk~
Me: AHHH KILL IT! KILL IT!
- Scathach to Artemis: From one booby servant to another, your kind of fanservice is super gross and wrong my dude. Domestic violence against men is a very real concern. Now I’m gonna spank you.
- Scathach kicks divine ass. Thank you, Shishou!
- Scathach: Now before I leave kids, what did we learn?
Mash and Guda: That the road ahead of us is long and dark, but if we hold firm and believe in each other, we can be humanity’s saviors from the dark?
Scathach: No. What did we really learn?
Me: That now I can’t not have you in my Chaldea and must ask for an advanced paycheck this instant?
Scathach: Good child.