and-lonely

  • Magnus: How do we usually get out of these types of messes?
  • Samirah: We don't. We make a bigger mess that cancels out the first one.
I need Help

I never thought I’d be making a post like this but…I feel like I’m at a breaking point, and getting help is more important than my pride.

If this is too long, feel free to skip. honestly this is just me explaining…because i want to justify what I’m asking for.

I’m currently living in a one bedroom apartment with my two older brothers, both of which have anger management issues and they’re both generally selfish, horrible people. For over a year now, I’ve been sick. And it hasn’t gotten better, I haven’t had insurance and it took me until merely days ago to get insurance.

A lot have things have happened while i got sick. My family was evicted after my father stopped getting steady work, i attempted to move in with a friend (that’s when the sickness started getting worse) then I was forced to move out when they turned out to be not so nice people. I won’t elaborate. After that, I was forced to move into a one bedroom apartment with my brothers and parents. I was sick then, not as bad as now but it was bad. But regardless, i pushed myself to go back to my job after pressure from my parents and brothers.

That’s when things got really bad. I was feeling incredibly sick and exhausted at work, I was taken from work to the hospital after collapsing. I wasn’t taken seriously by doctors, they claimed it was anxiety. vertigo. it felt like excuses, like they said whatever would get me out of the hospital the fastest.

I kept calling off of work, and in some instances i tried to leave work early but managers refused to let me. I was scolded for getting sick and causing trouble, so work became such a horrible place to be. Standing for hours on end while feeling like i might collapse was slowly killing me. I couldn’t do it anymore, not the pressure from my coworkers, not the physical exertion, none of it. So without telling my parents, who only cared about me making money and not about my health, i  gave my two weeks notice and left.

I didn’t want to tell them yet, because i wanted to gather what i wanted to tell them and sit them down and explain. I didn’t get that chance, because coworkers of mine told my brothers i quit. Without my permission. A lot of things blew up at once.

My family, essentially, used my lack of employment as grounds for a lot of mental abuse. I was belittled, talked down to, and told i had no worth if i wasn’t making money. it was all anyone cared about, whether or not i made money. I got worse, and now my mental health was deteriorating fast. a lot of other things happened, but eventually my parent smoved out and i was stuck living here with my brothers.

They’re both irresponsible and selfish. I’m too sick to do most things, and they made sure to remind me i was a burden and i had no worth. There isn’t food in the house most days, because my eldest brother will eat mass am mounts of food bought without contributing, and my other brother blows most of his money on video games with no regard to what we needed in the household. I went literally weeks with no feminine products, and sometimes days without eating.

I have hospital bills piling up, and pressure put on me from my brothers and…I need help. I can’t take living like this, without food, dignity, and still sick.

I have no money for transportation to the doctors, my family refuses to help me. It’s been shoved down my throat for years that i don’t deserve anything i don’t work for…but god im so tired, so unwell, and so desperate. I’m literally afraid this sickness will kill me, and i can’t keep living off of ramen and garbage to survive, or starving most days .

I’m asking for anything, if you guys can give anything…please. If you can’t, thats fine i don’t want to push for anything when i don’t deserve it anyway. I’m just…desperate. and scared. and i don’t know what else to do.

My paypal email is tykiwife@gmail.com

If this posts offends anyone or makes you guys angry…I can take it down. If you didn’t read, that’s okay too. I don’t blame you, this is long and drawn out.

Thank you guys, I love you all.

~TykiWife~

okay i’m blocking the tumblr url on my computer and deleting the app from my phone for a few hours. i keep going to my dash and triggering myself

i need to find a way to exist in this fandom with taylurking but it is literally super triggering to watch people go “OMG I WANNA BE TAYLURKED” and post shit specifically for attention from taylor. 

like if y’all wanna post selfies and reblog each other’s selfies because you think you look good or your friends look good then yes! all for it! but it’s like actually the saddest thing in the world to me to watch it just because you wanna be noticed. it’s so disingenuous and it’s the opposite of niceness for the sake of niceness. it breaks my damn heart and i just can’t scroll through a dash of this bullshit. tired overused jokes that were barely funny to begin with, fake niceness, self depricating jokes about how you’ll “never be noticed” when you already have a follow…. 

i don’t know how the sheer level of fake doesn’t make everyone’s stomach churn.